A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedlover10
writes:Hi everyone! F, 23. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I'm starting to lose him. I have become needy and too sensitive/emotional. I've always been sensitive and emotional but it has really gone over the edge lately. I feel like I need special help from someone but not sure where to turn exactly. I cry a lot over things that most ppl don't cry over. My boyfriend says that I am needy and that he feels bad for me. we go two weeks without really talking and when I finally saw him, I felt the need to be around him the entire time we were together, which was for the weekend. We live in two different cities so we see each other every weekend but now that my problem with my emotions have become overwhelming, he only wants to see me every other week now. This is the second "real" relationship I've had so far. The last treated me poorly and we were together for almost 2yrs. I feel that I am needy towards him b/c I'm afraid of losing him. I'm in school, I work, I drive and currently looking for my own place. he has none of this things...he's just in school. I feel stupid being caught up over someone who can't even provide for me at the moment. However, I know he will in the future. It seems like I only focus on the things that hurt me when I'm around him, and it spoils our time spent together. what on earth should I do to fix this?? how do I shift my focus? How do stop this crying and keep the love of my life? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): Why is this about your neediness and insecurity. I see an unbalanced relationship here with the added pressure of a LDR. This is very hard in itself. All of us like to feel secure, cherished and wanted in a relationship. Maybe he isn't so tuned into what a woman needs and wants so in turn brings out the insecure side of you. I have been the needy one in a couple of relationships and looking back can now see these guys were more focused on themselves and what made them happy. They were emotionally not as invested as me and I felt more of an option than a priority.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): Hi there,im so sorry your feeling this way especially because I have had the same issue im 30 now and was with my ex for 5 almost 6 years. to be honest you need to try to be more confident and independent because emotional needy women are a real turn off, i was that girl and i pushed my bf away i was also very insecure and jealous which you might be also. i have borderline personality disorder and you might too look it up and see does it sound like you its alot more common than you would think, alot of women are emotional and needy but your behaviour is worse than usually maybe the stress in your life is adding to depression and your relying to heavily on him and the security and happiness that relationship brings to your life, a counselor once told me you need to have all different areas of your life for happiness and fulfillment, eg. family, friends, believe system/religion, work, social/fun relying on one or few of these is not healthy. to be honest the bad news is this is difficult to fix but totally possible it took me years and unfortunately losing my love to realise i had to change ive also been to many counseling. i thought losing him would kill me as dramatic as it sounds i really felt i would die from the pain it was unbearable but over two years later and im okay and still living, so know that if this relationship does end you will cope and trust that what is for you will not pass you, you need someone to support you and understand your struggles but also understand how hard it must be for him that you are this way and he cant help you. so to sum up relax give yourself a break but seek counseling or talking to girlfriends, give him some space, try and fake it till you make it regards being secure independent and confident and i imagine you and your bf will be happier for it. my mother kept telling me even when i broke up with my ex dont act desperate dont contact him show him your doing great dont show your weakness i didnt listen and i ruined any chance of reconciliation with my behaviour, i hope i can help you learn from my mistakes and it all works out for yougood luck and hugs xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): I totally understand how you're feeling. You need to recognize that it's not about him, it's about you. It's about how you view relationships and yourself. You would benefit greatly from psychotherapy, but in the meantime you need to focus on what causes your neediness and recognize that the cause is coming from within you.I am a 43 year old male who has struggled with the same problem. After going through a divorce I found someone I became extremely attached to and fell in love. We have been together a little over three years now. I am the one in the relationship that has struggled with being needy. I have come a long way with it and we now joke that I'm the woman in the relationship and she is the man, because she is never needy or emotional. But I have been through some very hard times when I was in great fear of losing her, thought I was losing her, then thought I was pushing her away with my emotional needs, even to the point that it caused quite a few fights. Unfortunately, when I was at my most needy, she would run because that's her instinct. It was a painful process.I began psychotherapy and learned quite a bit about what drives me, and what drives her. I learned that my neediness comes from childhood and unmet needs and fears that I experienced. I also learned that she emotionally shuts down when she gets stressed and that also came from her survival skills she learned as a child. What that means is that when I get emotionally strained I run to her, and when she gets emotionally strained she runs from me. Not a good combination. But learning what was causing it has helped me recognize it for what it is and back off. Now I don't run so hard to her and as a result she doesn't run from me. That's a simple explanation for how I have learned to handle it. There is much, much more but the point I'm trying to make is that it is coming from within your own mind. If you can get some psychotherapy, do so. If not, at least start analyzing why you do and react to things the way you do. Stop blaming it on just "being needy" and start figuring out why you're needy. Tell you're boyfriend you're working on it and want to figure it out so you don't drive him away. He will probably embrace that idea and help. Sit down with him and tell him that you're going to conquer those inner fears but in the meantime if he wants to help, just be understanding and supportive - which means don't run away if you're having a hard day with it.Hope this helps, I know the feelings you're having and they're miserable. Hang in there, but work on figuring yourself out instead of working on getting him to meet your needs.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 You are doing many things at the same time. Going to school, working and looking for a place to live while he's more relaxed about it. Right now it's a rewardless life for you. You put in all the hard work and get little from a relationship. I myself am not cut out for a long distance relationship, even those with a promise of a better future. It's not you being needy. You need rest. If that means not seeing your boyfriend so be it. People feel cranky when they don't sleep enough. Your health takes a priority over a relationship. It's frustrating when you waited long to see a loved one and then you are too stressed out to enjoy. Don't make him your focus on happiness. There has to be something else worthwhile doing that doesn't involve him.
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