A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 18 years and together with my wife for 25. We have 2 great kids ages from 13 and 15. Here's a brief history first:We both know and admit that we weren't "head over heels" in love when we first married. We had known each other long and were very close, if not best friends. By the time we did marry, I had been away at school for over 2 years and so we had a long distance relationship going. By then we had been dating each other exclusively for 5 yrs. In those 2 yrs though I had changed and looking back on it, I know I was uncertain about marrying her. Recently she admitted she had similar feelings. Nonetheless we did marry and life went on. In our 2nd yr of marriage I had a one night stand. Felt terribly guilty and tried to reason it through by telling myself that I could fix the problems I had with this relationship. I never came forth with it. Time went on, we eventually had 2 kids, and in our 9th year I had an internet affair. She uncovered it and we tried to work it through without going to counseling (she knew nothing of the one nighter at that point). 5 yrs later I failed again and everything came crashing down. This time it was a mess and there was an emotional attachment with the other person. All the while, I felt guilty and certainly responsible for never being honest. I've beaten myself up pretty bad. Since the last affair, it has been 3 yrs and with counseling we decided to try understand what has been going on through our marriage and fix what was wrong in our relationship. She never just wanted to give up and kick me out. We worked hard to build better communication, honesty and reached to find what we truly have. In the end, I admit that we are still "not in love" but she does love me in many other ways. Even with all that has happened we remain close friends, we are honest with each other, we care about what happens to each other and have always had a good family life. I've shielded my kids from my failings. They know we've had problems but nothing specific has ever been revealed. So you can argue there are many other facets to this relationship that would make you want to stay. But lately I really don't know anymore. I don't want to hurt our kids. They are at an age that can be so confusing and difficult. Right now I've decided to stay for them and she also tells me that what we have is enough for her. There are so many things that we have that even though we aren't "in love" it's OK for her. She says being "in love" is not important to her. I would love to hear some comments. I realize by admitting my failures I am opening myself up for ridicule and negative comments but I truly feel remorse about all my actions. My question: Would you stay?
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affair, best friend, long distance, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 June 2009):
 I understand you feelings. Let me explain to you why I feel staying together is a good move. You two know each other. Your strengths and weaknesses. Leaving and starting a new is beginning new to, where you don't know them, and it's give and take which way it will turn out. So it's easier to redevelop intimacy in a marriage than it is to start fresh with someone else.
I want you two to date. Once a week. You pick and plan one week then she does the next. Don't tell each other what you're planning, it's just the persons job who's not planning that week to show up. This is your evening together without kids, to reconnect, share, and begin building that intimacy you've been without.
Next, really forgive yourself for the past. Realize marriage does not come with an instruction book, so you will make mistakes. What hurts us is dwelling on the mistakes we had made. This can also reduce our ability to develop intimacy, and really be able to connect, not just with your wife now, but if you didn't stay, with future partners as well.
Make a list of everything you can think of to show your appreciation for your wife being there and for her being a great mother. Then on a calendar, pick three things each day you can do from that list to show your appreciation. Doing this will greatly improve your friendship and connection that has been withering away.
I hope these tips helps you. Often small things, or making small changes is the difference between saving a marriage and disaster.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): (I am the anonymous female who left the longest response)
I think it is fine to have reservations, that is, things that you want to change about your marriage, things you want your wife to work on and things you need to work on.
It has been a really long time, by the sounds of it, since you have been enraptured by your wife. You talked a little about your courtship pre-marriage. Obviously since you married her, there must have been something that you really loved about her. Maybe it was her confidence and assertion that triggered the attraction, or her smile, or the jokes she used to make. Whatever it was you need to rediscover it, and assure yourself that it does exist...you just have been out of touch with it for a long time.
I have seen troubled couples in the past benefit greatly from taking a hobby on together, and this might be something you want to think about. Choose something that interests both of you, that neither of you know much about and just do it. This is beneficial because it will cause you both to be vulnerable, learn something and bond....much like dating. You should consider having weekly dates scheduled...getting a babysitter and going out for dinner just to be together and talk about things other than household chores and grocery lists will help build intimacy. Many of the couples I know have tried ballroom dancing. It might be funny to you or seem passe but several couples that I know that have had exactly your problems really have bonded over it. But any hobby will do, you just have to both be interested.
I think you are on the right path. You seem like a good man. Good luck! I would be interested to hear of your progress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I wish to thank each of you for taking the time. The responses I've read are outstanding and I appreciate the thought that has been put into each answer. I wanted to add a couple of things. Through counseling: I think the affairs happened because of lack of intimacy and lack of feelings for being needed. My wife is a very assured woman. I wouldn't call her dominating but certainly she needs to be in control of many aspects. She never really shared her feelings (prior to 3 yrs ago) and never wanted to bother me with concerns. This certainly contributed to no intimacy and not feeling needed. I would say that has since changed. I do see reasons to stay but I also see reasons not to. She is a good person who has put up with a lot. She does deserve more but as I said, she feels OK with with the way things are. What troubles me after all this is that many of my "feelings" for her are still the same. I want to make sure that if I do stay, I do so with no reservations. Is that possible? At this point I have decided to stay for the kids. We both love them so much. But I won't lie, I'm still torn about what to ultimately do with this relationship. After all, they are growing quickly and will move on. Thank you again for all your help and I look forward to any further insight on this. BTW, I've decided to seek further counseling.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (10 June 2009):
You've got some good responses, which I agree with, but I also see the other side of the coin.
To me the problem isn't you, it is the both of you. Neither of you are in love with each other.
Women aren't the only ones who need to feel loved, men have that within them as well. Obviously your wife is fine with no real love, but clearly you're not.
I sort of wonder if you were a woman writing this that you and your husband had never been in love, would the responses have been the same? Or would they have been oh darling you deserve love, go and find it.
You married a woman you weren't in love with and have never been in love with. You care for her, she cares for you, but you want more. You've done things you're not proud of to try and fill the void you're not getting at home. That's tough.
What would I do? This isn't at all helpful but I think I'd be in the exact spot you are - not sure what to do. You want more, you want love BUT you still don't want to lose what you've got or ruin your family. Only you can weigh it all up. If you want to stay for the children then I guess that makes your descision for you.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 June 2009):
Ridicule? Let's see.....You're a good man by admitting your shortcomings and failures. Looking at ourselves and pointing a finger at what we do is a hard task. And not blaming her for your behavior is something to be proud of.
I believe I would stay. You've been through a lot together, that's worth holding on to. true love is not a feeling, but a choice. It's that choice that carries us through the hard times. My definition of true love is: The choice to love someone without any return expectation. The same love you have for your children.
I recommend sharing with each other what really makes you feel loved. Is it a touch, material or going out somewhere. Once you find out what it is in each other, then repeat over and over again, and neither one of you will go a day without feeling loved by the other person. What develops many of these ruts is trying to show them love by how you personally feel loved. That way might be completely opposite from how they actually feel it. Then, they do the same, and you're in this rut of tying but not getting anywhere.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, always.you +, writes (10 June 2009):
 Honestly i think you both deserve to be happy. Staying for the kids is not right, even though its sincere. But you both deserve as adults to find true love if thats truly what you want. Dont you think so?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): You gave some history about yourself which I appreciate. Honesty is very important and realizing your failings and wanting to do better is even more important.You are right, there are many different factors in your relationship. You talk a lot about "being in love", but love has different meanings during different parts of life. I am sure when you were younger, love meant that you were crazy with infatuation, lust and spontaneity, and couldn't imagine having those feelings stop for a person. But when you matured a little, I am sure you found out "in love" to be a emotional intimacy with another person, feeling the ability to reveal your true self, be vulnerable and understood.From how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you have the second part of "being in love" but lack the first part. You describe your wife as a best friend and confidant. She knows the worst things about you and still accepts you and loves you. It sounds like you feel an obligation to your wife and kids to stay the course of the marriage, but is part of the problem that you feel there might be someone out there that can make you happier? From what you describe I would say no. Sure it would be possible to find someone you are physically attracted to, who might be more satisfying in the bedroom...and there might be someone as patient and as good natured as your wife to take the time to understand you as a person, but they won't necessarily exist in the same person. There is no perfect woman or perfect man. I don't know why you had affairs, but usually people that have affairs early on in the marriage do so because they are instinctively destructive. I don't know if this applies to you, but some people simply cause damage in order not to feel the stress of being perfect. I think couples get into trouble when they start to feel they should live up to some societal expectation for what the relationship should be or look like. The truth is that there are all sorts of different relationships and by the sounds of it your wife and you are still trying to figure out exactly what you want from each other. Obviously you are not getting something from the relationship that you need. One of the hardest things in your journey will be pinpointing exactly what triggered the urge to have an affair inside you. Then after you discover this, only then can you admit to your wife what changes need to be made in your relationship. Only then can you start building a better marriage, family and life.So, the answer to your question...if I were you (given the details you have shared) I would stay. I would try and figure out why I had numerous affairs, and why I felt lonely and lost with the people I love. I would try and remember how long I had been feeling depressed and question how much of it actually had to do with my spouse and how much was just me. I wouldn't put a huge amount of pressure on myself but take each day as it comes and try and be the best person I can for that day, all the while asking these questions and doing some soul searching.I hope that helps a little. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I absolutely would stay.
There are certainly good and valid reasons to break up a marriage and disrupt the kids' lives -- violence, addiction, things like that.
What you've described is certainly no fairy tale. But it still sounds like a healthy environment for your kids to grow up in. Having had my own parents split when I was around the age of your youngest, I wouldn't wish it on them unless there was a compelling need.
I can understand your wanting more, and that's hardly unreasonable. But the honourable thing to do in this situation is nothing -- at least for the five or so years it will take for your kids to leave home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): If I was married to you, I wouldn't want you to stay. You just are not a good bet,and with the diseases etc. out there now who would want to gamble on your fidelity.I'm not sure if your wandering and not being "in love" is just an excuse for being a player. I think in fairness to her - you've put her through enough. What you sound like you are looking for is the excitement of new love - well, in that case that “first in love” feeling changes and for the lucky it gets stronger and better with time. For you, I’m not sure that you wouldn’t just wander on any love eventually.You really have to look deep inside to see what makes you break your promises - your vows. Perhaps, you need some therapy before you make any important decision.Good luck...be careful of your wife’s heart. She’s stayed loyal and put up with you for so long, she deserves more than you have given her.
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (10 June 2009):
You have a good woman. If I were you, I'd stay and figure out why I keep screwing up. You do know it is you and not her, right?
It seems those two years you somewhat drifted apart, can you recall the time and understand why, what happened?
I think it is critical for you to dig deeper and figure out what is itching you. Unfinished Business? Dream not achieved? If so, you are not alone, but we need to be honest. Maybe we are past our prime for this, and we need to settle for a mediocre life like we have. Or maybe, there is a calling that keeps you with you wife.
Clearly there is something going on inside. YOu need to explore it. If you find it, then you will be able ro rsolve it, and then, just possible, you both can be in a loving and very happy marriage where you both spring to life.
There is no such thing as the perfect mate, there is no such thing as your soul mate. What is true, is that together you create these mates.
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