A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm curious what goes on in a woman's mind when she is dating a guy she claims to love, but still has feelings for a former lover whom she only had sex with and maybe a slight friendship. I've had several relationships where I found out some time later (sometimes after my relationship with that person ended), that there was emotional or even physical overlap that I didn't know about. I can't call it cheating, because it usually happened in the early, undefined stages of the relationship before there was real commitment. But it still sucks to find out this stuff.How can I either overlook this stuff, avoid it, or is it so common that I just need to deal with it? In other words, how common is it for you ladies to overlap sexual relationships, and would you cheat on a guy you were falling for just to have some "closure sex" or whatever with a former guy who was good in bed? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): I've never understood the whole "closure sex" thing. Surely, for a woman anyway, having sex with an ex is just going to bring back all the emotions you felt for the person and bring you back to square one. I find the notion absurd.
How does having sex with the person help you move on from them? It's ridiculous and i think it's just an excuse to cheat.
If she's with you she shouldn't even be thinking about having sex with somebody else, never mind the "closure sex" BS.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I don't do closure sex..it just messes with your emotions and mine. It's a caught up heat of the moment former lovers piece of rear at that time. All it is is just sex with confused emotions. For the women that engage in that, it's easy for them to fall back into that old habit for one night..erase this new guy for a couple of hours. To wake up the next day, and remember that new guy they're talking to. Rather than move backward with you, they remember why it's over and move forward with this new guy.
It's actually not common, but you will find younger women who still do closure sex. In fact the way to avoid it is to decline this closure sex..I know as hard as it sounds, but if it's going to screw with your emotions the next day it's not worth it now is it?
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 No, I can only have sex with someone I'm emotionally attached to, if I'm dating someone who I feel a strong attachment with, and we've already started a physical relationship, then I'm emotionally free of the 'previous' bloke. However, this said, I'm 42, and quite old fashioned and I see intimacy as something special between two people who care for each other, whether it be love or not. But, I know alot of people, girls and guys, who don't have the same views on intimacy, some see sex as if they are just going out for a burger, as if its the most natural thing to do, go out, to sustain the hunger and come home.
I'm sorry to hear that a majority of girls you have dated, have left you a tad cynical, its possible the type of girl you are attracted to, are those who can be quite blaze about sex, or maybe confident because of they are so sexually sure of themselves, either way, dont think we are all the same, we are all different, same way not all guys are total assholes.
Maybe before giving yourself emotionally next time, you can step back and make sure these girls are emotionally available too.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 November 2010):
I would suggest that you look at the type of girl you're attracted too, because there aren't that many women who behave this way. You may be going for women who are not over ex's and such. It's not cheating, but it shows that there are problems before you're even really dating. I would look carefully at who you are attracted to, if I were you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Look I really don't know what others are going to say, I can only speak for myself and my personal take on things but yes I think overlap is normal.
I'll give you an example. When I met my boyfriend, I was mad for him at first sight. During the first couple of weeks of dating, I knew we weren't a couple and we were still getting to know each other. I knew there was a chance he was talking to other girls. There was also a chance that it wouldn't work out. It is a shaky period in any relationship. But I liked him and we would hang out. After a few weeks that progressed I trusted him a little more and we started sleeping together. Once we started sleeping together I'll admit I did get a little more possessive or jealous. We still weren't officially a couple but we got along great, we seemed to be heading towards that. And a couple of weeks after sleeping together he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially.
So at least for the first couple of weeks when we were just getting to know each other, there was a chance that yes he was talking to other chicks. Maybe weaning out a former flame. He and I had just met so perhaps he went out on the town and talked to other chicks at bars. Who knows?
After a few weeks, when we both knew that there was serious interest on both parts, things probably changed. Maybe he got a little more serious about it. We started sleeping together soon after. If at that point he had slept with someone else that would have DEFINITELY made him a jerk. But I don't think that was the case. The first two weeks of dating, however, when everything was just kind of up in the air, it is understandable that he was going about his life just as he always had, whatever that entailed. You get what I am saying?
So I am not sure what happened with your girlfriend or the extent of this overlap, but if you two were just beginning to date then I don't see anything wrong with these minor overlaps. If your relationship had in fact progressed, had in fact gotten more serious, and even so these overlaps continued, that is not cool. That should tell you quite alot about this girl's personality. She isn't that faithful.
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A
female
reader, BunnyAce +, writes (23 November 2010):
 A woman that truely loves you would NOT have sex with someone else. A girl that is in lust and ignorantly is selfish will say she is having sex one last time so that she can be more devoted.
Women are not that different than men in some cases. If a man wants to have fun he will have sex and not be exclusive. A man who has found someone he respects and wants to be serious with will sustaine his feelings for others and stay with his one and only.
Girls are the same.
And if the girl isn't going to devote herself to you from the begining then she probably won't b trustworthy enough to deserve you.
Someone that does not cheat/stays loyal even in the begining grey area of a relationship (I am indicating you) deserves to have a reapectful female.
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