A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years.I always thought we got along great. We have a lot in common. He is always there for me in my time of need. We have been talking about getting married.I needed some pictures off his camera, so I put the memory card in my computer. He had a file with my name on it.I opened the file to retrieve the pictures and in that file was another file labeled beautiful pictures.There were pictures of us having sex together and nudes of me. Also, there were a few pictures of me sleeping in the bed. Just sleeping with the covers on, which I thought was weird. There was one of me taking a shower.Furthermore, there were other pictures of women he captured on beaches and of women walking around on sidewalks, etc.This goes back 4 years and probably further, before I met him.It appears he is a voyeur.I was sickened to know he took pictures of me, without my consent, and I feel violated. Plus, there are these pictures he has of other women, that didn't know their pictures were being taken either.He has a very expensive camera that quietly records and takes pictures. He must have hidden the camera and set it up in the bedroom before we had sex.I don't know if I should break up with or not. Clearly he has a problem and needs help. I feel sorry for him that he has this issue and find the situation sad.I wonder if something happened in his childhood that he is like this or if maybe it is too much porn that led him to be like this.I can't get my head wrapped around this and I am uncertain on what to do.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Now I remember you posting about this before (unless you are a new OP with eerie similar experiences )
If you are the SAME OP - the obviously previous advice given wasn't used as you are still with him.
If you are a new OP - you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or not.
Personally for me it would be a total deal-breaker. Because at the end of the day you have NO idea if he is sharing your pictures with other people online or not. The fact that he has never shared that "fetish" with you means that YOU aren't part of it - JUST your naked body. And how is that OK? He might on the other hand share it with a bunch of online strangers who shares this intrusive fetish. Same with the "home porn" when he is secretly filming you having sex. THAT is not OK - he doesn't HAVE your consent. And it wouldn't matter if he used it for HIS own pleasure - he DOESN'T have you consent and YOU have EVERY right to a level of privacy in your own home.
I don't see it as being at all a compliment to you. I see it as a man who views you as a piece of meat.
Your life, your choice. Your limitation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): Breakup with him. obviously he's too much for you. You've completely decided he's a perv and all the pictures are some sick and perverse habit. Had you not found it, all this wouldn't have ever been considered.
Yes, do leave him. Every photographer I've ever known has pictures of women and people unaware their pictures were taken. He has an odd, if not peculiar obsession with you.
He likes to freeze what he observes and experiences on film.
I agree that it was intrusive and really an invasion on your space and privacy. You had the opportunity to delete every bit of it, and you should have. The thing is, he left the camera out as though he wasn't hiding anything. You had complete access to it. If you have a wife or girlfriend, any dummy with one brain cell knows she will snoop though your stuff. Maybe he felt guilty and hoped you would eventually find it. You shouldn't hesitate to tell him how you feel about it. If you don't, it will eat at you. You must let him know it doesn't sit well with you. You really went on the camera to see what you'd find.
Now you have. It creeps you out. So leave.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 You've had some fantastic advice already. I can only reiterate what Janniepeg and Mina_Bhamji have said tell you that whatever happens, you are going to have to talk to him.
It's a bit of a sensitive topic so, while I think it's important that you let him know how violated and sickened you feel, go into this conversation with gentility and understanding.
I don't know your boyfriend and it does seem you're right in saying that he has voyeuristic tendencies, but it's just as likely that he's not as demented as you fear. As Mina_Bhamji has said, these could simply be his way of capturing the beauty of others and the beauty in your relationship through its intimate moments.
As I said. Go in with understanding and make sure both sides are heard.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 November 2015):
 There are different levels to voyeurism. Most people have some tendencies but are not severe enough to be considered mental. If it's for a thrill you can probably stop him but if it's a compulsion then you are in trouble. The most severe kinds are like addicted and can't stop themselves from doing it. First he has to be aware that taking pictures of people is wrong. Unsuspected women on the streets can't speak for themselves, but you will. Maybe he is the kind that had been told but still kept doing it, if that means losing their partner. I can see the whole thing disturbs you so much that you would rather just leave than talk to him about it. Some people would think what's the big deal, it's just taking pictures, and it means he thinks you are beautiful. No one got hurt. I myself would be disturbed and feel disrespected when you become an object under surveillance. Once you know that you will be filmed, all your actions would be unnatural. So he might look for other people to film. That would be dangerous. I would have the fantasy of smashing that camera.
There might be a peeping tom in his childhood. I don't think it has to do with porn. It certainly has something to do with feeling in control, stronger and aware than others.
Tell him to stop taking pictures of you and other women and if he doesn't then break up with him. Talking to him will help you to know if he needs help or to get an understanding. When you just break up then you are left with unanswered questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (6 November 2015):
 Speak to him about it. Breaking up without talking about it will leave you with a lot of regret cause you've had thoughts of getting married. It seems as if your boyfriend is infatuated by beautiful sceneries and likes to capture them and save them. You might feel disrespected by it, but he must of done it to capture the beautiful moment, makes sense to why he saved it underneath that file. I understand why you feel a way that he captured other women that didn't know their picture was being taken, but I don't think he means any thing of it but just capturing the things. But I wouldn't say break up over it, speak and communicate.
...............................
|
