A
female
age
41-50,
*itty67
writes:I'm new and have one main issue that's been going pretty much since I started dating my hubby a few years ago. He is sweet, smart, hard working, adores me and has never done anything to make me feel insecure. In full disclosure this is strictly an internal battle based out of my own insecurities and not due to something he has said or done. That said, his ex is a former nfl cheerleader. I have seen her photos and she's gorgeous. Auditioning for an nfl cheerleading squad was kinda something I always wanted to try for but didn't. But I too am attractive, successful career, funny and smart. The thoughts that creep into my head always revolve around comparing myself to her and her being "better" than me. Did he love the fact that she was an nfl cheerleader and is disappointed that I wasn't? Did their mutual friends think he downgraded when he and I started dating? If he bumps into her someday will he be reminded how beautiful she is/was and miss the days when they were together? And now that we have a son, my ultimate fear is that my SO will brag to our son about how he used to be married to a former cheerleader while they are watching football or something.Now, she cheated on him and treated him and his family like crap, then divorced him and moved in with the guy she cheated with, so I don't think there are any positive lingering thoughts from them about her. The mature adult version of myself would say to stop comparing, she's an ex for a reason, he's loves me not her, etc. But I'm wondering if any of you have struggled with these thoughts and how u got past it. Would love to ask hear from men about this too. Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, Bitty67 +, writes (8 November 2015):
Bitty67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 yes it definitely would! I think about that all the time. I've dated men with gorgeous ex's and it wasn't a problem. Great point.
A
female
reader, Bitty67 +, writes (8 November 2015):
Bitty67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u all for the great advice! I appreciate the game check and honesty. I've got some work to do on my self image and was looking for some alternative perspective. Sure helps to see things from different point of views, now I'll pinch myself and focus on loving my sweet hubby!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): I know it's slightly different but I had a friend who I used to think was gorgeous and so much prettier than everybody else I knew. But she ended up becoming a complete b*tch, she was very conceited and really didn't care about anybody but herself.The more I got to know her the more I disliked her. Years ago I thought she was beautiful but the more ugly her personality got the more her beauty kind of faded. When somebody acts like a complete and utter b*tch nobody really pays attention to what they look like any more. It all fades.I had a boyfriend a few years ago who's ex wife did modelling but he couldn't bear to think about her, didn't even want to mention her name and I honestly believe he would have preferred an ugly ex wife with a nice personality to some beautiful but horrible ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): [Edit] "Being over critical of ones-self and constantly wanting to be seen as better than others quite self-absorbed. That a narcissistic approach to live."
Correction:
Being over critical of ones-self and constantly wanting to be seen as better than others is quite self-absorbed. That's a narcissistic approach to life.
It abounds in the gay culture.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): Nothing can stop women from comparing themselves to exes, porn stars, models, younger females, shapelier women. Whatever.
Insecurity kills relationships. It's a lot of nonsense rolling around in your head. Find more constructive things to do with your thought processes!
Being over critical of ones-self and constantly wanting to be seen as better than others quite self-absorbed. That a narcissistic approach to live.
Simply put...that's conceit, my dear.
Did you marry him for his looks and money, or do you love him? Were you trying to pair-up for the sake of being a good-looking couple, or do feelings go deeper than that?
I'm sure your attractiveness was one aspect of why your husband married you; but don't you think he could see other things about you that made him go as far as to put a ring on it, and call you his missus?
He shares half of all he has and gives you his heart. You're worried about a woman who is in his past. There are women fairer than you all over the place; so he had a pretty ex. You may have dated men better looking than he is.
My question is... so what?
This is such a superficial world. You've built your whole self-worth around how you compare to other women. Like so many females you think men only care with their eyes and dicks, and not their hearts. It's you who's shallow. Not all men, or your husband. You have a poor perception of how men think and feel. Use a little logic.
A lot of females will pile on top and give you their sympathy, but they too have poor perceptions and nasty attitudes towards men. Nobody's perfect, and all humans have faults and terrible flaws. Men don't corner the market on that. Again, let's include your husband. You truly have a very low opinion of how he thinks of you. That so sad!
Sweetheart, you're going to drive yourself nuts. You are not only valued by your appearance. I hope there is more substance to who you are and what you have to offer aside from how you appeal to the eye. Give yourself a break. He's yours now, and you're his. Creating hypothetical situations about his ex is your obsession. Not his!
Focus on your marriage and allow yourself to love and be loved for who your are. Not how you look!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 You seem to know already that these thoughts stem from immature insecurities.
People in general tend to compare themselves to others. It's completely normal. The truth is, there will always be someone better and those who continue to compare their qualities to those of another will never be happy. That being said, I think you know what the answer to this is. Keep trying to let go of those insecurities. Your thoughts feed the insecurities and the growing insecurities breed more horrible thoughts. The fact is, your hubby chose you and yes, clearly he does love you and you know that, do you not? Else you wouldn't have made it a point to state that this is no fault of his, would you? In his eyes, there is no one better.
Is he really the type of person to brag to his son about an ex-wife?
If he is, then maybe its better to let him in and talk to him about these insecurities you're having, because if that's the case, I can see this inner conflict resulting in undeserved resentment.
I don't know what his friends are like, but I for one have never compared my friends' exes to each other. I wasn't even aware that that was something people did outside of certain romantic comedies. So I wouldn't worry about that.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Hi Bitty67, I'm going to ask you a question. If she wasn't an NFL cheerleader, would that change anything about your outlook on this situation at all?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 November 2015):
 Look, no matter how gorgeous that cheerleader was, all her beauty went down the drain when she cheated on him. Her beauty, in his eyes, does not matter once she screwed him over. So rest assured that he probably hates her as much as her gorgeousness. In fact, that is why he is with you, because you are unlike her. So stop comparing yourself to her because she is a cheater and a heartbreak whereas you are not, and he loves you for it. So relax and love him back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was beautiful, full of life. He loved her deeply and wanted to marry her. She dumped him 8 months later. He use to work with her for several years before his wife divorced him.Initially he called me her name all the time. I am thinking, am I just the rebound girl.I look at her Facebook page all the time. I see her friends list and go to their pictures of her.I have bumped into her a couple of times at stores and also her best friend is a waitress at a restaurant that his parents like. It's never ending.Then I compare pictures of me to her on the computer screen.It becomes a sickness. Of course, now I listen to Girl Crush by Little Big Town, which hits home.I keep thinking he will never love me as deeply as he loved her. I've seen pictures of what they all did together, how he doted on her.It is really hard.Because it has gotten so bad for myself, I decided to go to counseling to deal with these feelings.That would be my suggestion to you.It will help you in getting your self-worth back and dealing with your insecurities.Know that you are not alone in this.I wish you the best!
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