A
male
age
51-59,
*uman_male
writes:I was seeing someone, everything was going well but it recently fizzled out and she decided she just wants to be friends. I've been wracking my brains trying to remember if I did or said anything wrong and all I can think of is a time when we were out at lunch and I joked she was a cheap date. I don't think she thought it was a very nice thing to say, but didn't get upset either. Could she actually have been really offended up upset at that?She does actually genuinely seem to want to be friends. She's coming over tomorrow to watch a DVD. Should I appologise? It happened a few weeks ago. Would bringing it up just make it worse.Thanks.
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male
reader, human_male +, writes (30 May 2013):
human_male is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again Red and Abella. I will certainly keep those articles bookmarked Abella, thanks. I'm actually not too far away from there, at least on the right track. What I need are opportunities to put them into practice.But back to this girl...What I'd really like to know, given what you said Red, is can I find a middle ground with this girl where I can be a friend to her but not be that shoulder to cry on or be a doormatt? After she told me she didn't want a physical relationship with me, I sent her an email telling her that I wanted to be her friend and that I would never put any pressure on her, or bring any drama into her life or guilt trip her and that I would be there for her if she needed a friend. I guess that seems a little clingly/doormatty but after she told me she was bipolar and had a hard time keeping friends I really felt sympathy for her. And ok I have to admit that I think I could benefit from a friend like her as she gives me advice on how to talk to women and how to read body language.So although I have really taken on board the idea of don't cling, and be prepared to walk away, where this particular girl is concerned I don't just want to cut her loose... for her sake as well as mine. Not after that email I sent her saying I would be there for her.So do you think it's possible we could find a middle ground where I don't have to hear about other men she's seeing but I can be a friend for her, and get the benefits of being her friend?
A
female
reader, Red591  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 It's ok if there isn't someone to focus on but u said something that warrants mentioning. U said u cling to an opportunity when u see it. NEVER cling! The most powerful people in a relationship are the ones who have the aboty to walk away without worry of finding another if the current situation is not right. You can walk away from anyone no matter how great they seem and it doesn't really seem like she is that great. Don't become her shoulder to cry on thinking she will eventually like you. She won't. If you say "hey I wish u luck but this situation isn't gonna work for me" and then walk away , it will make her sit up and take notice. Even if she doesn't start to like you more, she will definitely respect you and respect is much better that "that platonic friend she goes to with her guy problems". You don't have to be James Bond to make a woman think you have options and don't need them. The a ability to walk away does that for you :)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Hi
I hope the following Articles on DearCupid help you in some way.
Three Articles from Great Uncles and Aunts on DearCupid.org. Here they are (below)
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/20-questions-to-ask-someone-on-a-date.html
a substantial article for men - representing a Master-class for men in how to become more appealing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html
Author: Odds
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
a step by step process to self Confidence
This is a Top Article and I rate it at 10 stars = it is even better than 5 stars
Author: Code Warrior
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A
male
reader, human_male +, writes (29 May 2013):
human_male is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I decided not to mention it.I had hoped despite what she said we might still have cuddled or kissed a bit, but she didn't even want to hold hands.And what Red591 said is happening, she's talking about other guys, which sucks. But I want to be a good friend to her. She is bi polar and has trouble maintaining friendships because she pushes them away, and I can see why... it's a totoally one-sided relationship.I would move on and focus on another girl but there isn't one. My friend said I pick the wrong girls, but I don't pick them, that's the thing. An opportunity presents itself and I cling to it. That's what always happens. I simply don't have the option to pick and choose.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (26 May 2013):
people are very forgiving of coments if they are into someone. I wouldn't stay close friends if you still like her though. She will just start telling you about her dates and that will feel real great. focus on another girl
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I don't think that incident has anything to do with why she wants to only be friends. I think she probably likes you but simply doesn't feel the spark. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. You can apologize if you'd like. but it probably won't change anything.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 DON'T APOLOGIZE for something that you aren't even sure is your transgression!!!!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
When the trust is not yet super strong, and the other party has some unresolved issues that she has not yet revealed to you, then sometimes words can press sensitive significant buttons, that you are not even aware of yet.
Some words can cut deep and the other party may not even realise it, at the time.
She may have perceived a totally different meaning to the meaning you meant.
I have never drunk alcohol for reasons that are important to me. And I can certainly recall my then Boyfriend (eventually husband) who remarked that that I was an inexpensive date - very similar to what you were implying. At the time he was quick to explain, to me, that he'd never had a Gf who was very happy with 2 glasses of tomato juice for the night. I did not take offence as I am very happy about the fact I don't drink alcohol. Though I am no prude. Because I have a number of friends who do drink and a number of friends who don't drink and I love them all the same.
Yes, I think it would help if you explained your comment. And let her know that you think your remarks may have offended her and for that reason you wanted to unconditionally apologise to her. (none of those wishy washy comments "IF I have offended you then I am sorry" and none of those insulting apologies where a person apologises, followed by the word "BUT...")
Maybe do something nice for her on the DVD night, to show that you put in some effort. Be it a small bunch of flowers. And maybe make some snacks at home - finger food only to enjoy while you watch the DVD. Make sure the bathroom is spotless - girls notice such things.
Hope it all goes well.
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