A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a night owl whilst i quite like my sleep! But the difference is annoying not only at home but socially. Like we were at a wedding yesterday and i had work the next day - i said maybe we could go home around 12. But we agreed on 1am. It came and went and eventually we walked back to the hotel at 2am. After which he said im away back to after party (late bar).Is this fair that my husband does this cos i think i was pretty compromising staying out til 2am. He came home at 3.15. Just think my feelings dont matter when they should. And he already had plenty to drink. I just imagined married life would not mean me back at a hotel room on my own. This is not the first time we have argued whilst staying over about what time to return to hotel/bed. Anyone experience anything similar?
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female
reader, MaryB  +, writes (26 May 2013):
Being a night owl myself, I had to put myself in the other person's shoes for a moment to answer this question...when I was in a relationship my ex always had a set time that he went to bed most nights unless, there was something going on to prevent that. During the work week I wouldn't mind so much that he would go to bed earlier than me but, he would make comments about not understanding how I could stay up so late when I had to go to work the next day. My response was that I guess I required less sleep than him. On the weekends though, it would sometimes annoy me if he went to bed early because I felt he should want to spend time with me even if it meant just watching tv together.On the other hand, when it came to vacation time or any out of town trips we would most often go to bed at the same time. I think I would be upset as you were if my partner dropped me off at the a hotel and returned to the party without me. I would find that disrespectful. Just the fact that he agreed to begin with to leave the party at 1AM and pushed it to 2 especially, knowing that you had to go to work the next day was an indication that he is only thinking of himself and could care less about your wants and needs. There is nothing you can do about that now but, if I were you I would definitely have a discussion about how what he did made you feel. Speak to him calmly without accusing him of anything...if he is concerned about your feelings he will listen to what you have to say and hopefully, next time he will be more respectful with his actions.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I agree with the others. There are plenty of successful happy marriages that have people on different clocks. I personally am a huge night owl, and my husband is not. We have fun together, and there's no pressure to conform to each other's sleep cycles. In terms of the scenario you pointed out, he would have taken off at midnight and gone to bed and I would have stayed out. Not even a speck of marital discord there. If one or both of us were interested in something "conjugal", I would have walked back to the hotel with him and then gone back to the party later.
Even in a marriage there is individuality. Some people like late nights and some early mornings. My husband works out at a very ungodly hour, and I do it after dinner. There's something about the evening that makes me feel more alive, and he feels that way about the sunrise, which personally I think was invented by some sadistic hellspawn with a sense of humor. heh.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 When my bf and I first moved in together it drove me crazy how late he liked to sleep while I liked to go to bed early. So I got myself some earplugs and a mask and went to bed before him. It did take awhile to adjust, I would toss and turn for awhile in anticipation of him coming in and waking me up, but after a week or two I was able to go right to sleep. Now we simply go to bed at different times, no big deal. If either of you is trying to change your sleep schedule to go to bed at the same time it would make someone miserable no matter what.
Though I do have to agree that would bother me if we went to a wedding together and he took off and left me alone at the hotel. How long have you been married? At the beginning of marriage or moving in it can be tough to adjust to not being joined at the hip, but you just have to separate and do your own thing sometimes and it will stop being a big deal.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Op, married does not mean joined at the hips. If this happened every single day of every single week, or if your husband was a raging alcoholic, I'd be with you.
But for once that there's a special occasion, a wedding, and he wants to let loose and have fun, do you really have to put all these hours and regulations like in a Swiss college ? ( And note that I don't even drink , so I am not biased )
If you don't like to stay up, fair enough, you could have gone back to the hotel at 1 AM. And taken advantage of a couple of hours of extra sleep while he was still up. Or, used the time to enjoy reading a good book in bed, or taken a slow ,relaxing bubble bath...
OP, you nearly make it sound as if he had left you at the altar or abandoned you alone in a desert. I try but I can't see it your way : I think everybody should be able to while away a couple of hours without the S.O. at their side, even if they are happy and crazily in love . It's not such a hardship, and, again, marriage does not mean that you are welded together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): Well yeah OP and to be honest I found that ex really annoying for being pissed at me for not setting my clock by hers and going home early with her to be bored while everyone else was still partying.
I mean we pretty much kept the same hours 5 days a week as our work schedules matched but then when we went out she either wanted me home early or she'd just make it so I felt so bad I couldn't enjoy my time out if I didn't go back with her.
To me she was too clingy, I mean why do we have to do everything together and leave together and always at her time you know? I mean like you she'd "compromise" but guess what, she'd spend that extra hour or hours yawning, or sitting on her own moping to get her own way. There were even times where she'd sit there resentfully and not talk to me at all all the way home until the next morning.
In my mind OP you had work not him, what's the point of him going back to the hotel to lie there awake while wishing he was somewhere else while you got to sleep to get up early for work?
My exs "explanation" was that I should want to be with her, nice eh? I should be okay with seething boredom of her going to sleep because she wanted us to be joined at the hip and she could feel we're a couple.
I don't know OP, I don't get why hers or your feelings matter more when you know he's just going to be in that hotel room wishing he was somewhere else. You're just going to go sleep, whereas he was free to party.
OP maybe a better compromise is to have him walk you home, hotel, cuddle a while before you go to sleep then let him off to go enjoy the rest of the night.
OP I never wavered on making sure any of my exs got home and going with them, my fiancée happily is the same as me, will keep parting until the sun comes up.
That's not to say every scheduling conflict was as bad as that one ex, I had some very accommodating exs too who were independent enough to only demand I make sure they got home okay if they needed to sleep early and to not wake them up when I got home.
Op I'll never understand people's need to have their partner be there 24/7, go to bed at the same time etc. Sure it's nice when it works out that way, but why is your schedule more important than his in your mind enough that you get annoyed because he doesn't keep yours?
I mean where you really that opposed to him going out that night rather than stay with you bored? I don't get it, my ex said all sorts of reasons, but she was a manipulative bitch so I don't take those as reality.
Is it really that you just can't handle not doing everything at the same time? I don't get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): My opinion would be that if you two attend an event and you both work out what time you both come home at, then it should be adhered to.. If you both agree to extend that time then you still both come home together and stay together.. Him wanting to go back to a party to me is just insulting to your marriage and you..
So I would discuss what the rules regarding outing etc.
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