A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:Hi everyone, ok I feel kind of stupid asking this.Ok last week I ended things with my BF of 2 1/2 years. He had become verbally abusive, but always saying the comments were "just joking and you know I don't really mean that". It took me about 6mos. to work up the courage to finally realize he won't change and I needed to get out. He had also in the past few weeks been telling people we were broken up and asking his friends to bring their single friends to parties, and has asked 2 girls to "let me take you out for dinner, call me here's my number" --and adamantly denies he did this even though I saw the messages with my own eyes.So he came over last week and we were arguing because I was tired of his disrespect and the fact that I can't trust him. He still lied about it to my face and I realized no matter what I will never trust him because he lies, and he is VERY GOOD at lying.Anyway I suggested we break up, he went to my computer cuz he just "had to announce on Facebook right away to make it official". Then he started acting all sad and said he wanted to spend one last night with me, I was like uhh no we are broken up. He tried saying "I love you, I'm going to miss you so much, and sex without being tied to something can be so much better you should try it" I told him no. I was home alone unfortunately and he told me that he wasn't going until I gave in. I kept trying to leave my room and he would grab me and throw me down on my bed. He would grab my wrists and hold me down. He was laughing the whole time like it was a joke and he thought it was funny. I kept telling him "NO" and I was very clear about that and probably said it 100 times. He kept trying to strip me and shoving his hands down my pants saying "just give me 10 minutes and you won't be saying no" I kept grabbing his arm and shoving him away. I said no we are broken up I'm not doing this with you. He replied with "you'll give in and I'll prove that you're no better or innocent than all the girls from the bars that will have 1-night stands" (I had told him how I was so disgusted w/ girls that just go home and sleep w/ guys they just met at bars, cuz he got asked at the bar a few months ago to come home with some slutty girl in his class)Anyway I fought with him for 1 HOUR and he just wouldn't stop. I finally ran out of power to keep fighting him and just gave in, I knew he wouldn't stop so I gave up. He kept guilt tripping me. Now here is where I get confused...see when I gave in and we did it, I just accepted it and I admit I sort-of got into it. Like I didn't want to, but I was just kind of like, "ok fine whatever, it's not so bad". I told 2 of my friends about this and they flipped out and were like THAT IS RAPE! I confronted him about it and that it wasn't the 1st time he's done that. It's happened 2 other times in the last month but those times I gave in alot sooner. So anyway I said to him you know that forcing me to have sex the other night is kinda like rape. He got really defensive and was like "Don't even try and pull that shit. You gave in and you liked it. I didn't force you so don't even try to fuckin turn this around on me and say that I made you. It takes two people to have sex." So basically just want people's opinion. Would that be considered rape since I gave in? And him thinking it was funny and it joke cuz he was laughing. I don't even know. It's really embarrasing to have to ask that...but I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, luna123asd  +, writes (9 October 2010):
last year was the 4 year aniversary for me and my ex i loved him i had track practice after school and after that i had to wait for my ride my exs bestfriend came up and askd me to give him oral i said no he kept asking i kept saying no finally to get him to stop asking i did wat wud this be considered i lost the love of my life because it
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): He was forcing you against your will to begin with so it is classed as rape. If he wasnt going to give in then you couldnt have fought against him for very long. I hope this all sorts itself out, maybe talk to the police if you think it will help :)
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A
female
reader, Pandorad  +, writes (26 July 2009):
Honey,
This is definitely rape. Legally it is STILL rape.
Please ignore the misguided lady further up the page who questioned your motives for letting the guy in.
People who have had manipulative boyfriends often tend to allow them to do things others may think strange - because we're always on the back foot and thinking we're in the wrong. So I'm not surprised you let him in at all.
The definition is simple: you said no. Whether you had a physical reaction doesn't change this at all, because naturally he knew what you would like. That only makes the abuse more confusing. LOTS of abusers use the fact that sex is pleasurable to confuse the people they abuse.
This happened to me. Please report it.
Reporting sex crimes is really difficult, but in my personal experience WELL worth it.
Because - if he's convicted he won't hurt anyone else again. If he's not convicted, he STILL won't hurt anyone else again - he'll learn that he will be reported.
Take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): You did absolutely nothing wrong. He did everything wrong. Your responses were totally normal. You gave in because you felt you had no choice and were exhausted and weakened by the situation. You experienced a physical response which is perfectly normal. He took advantage of you and that is definitely rape. I had the same experience 30 years ago. It took me 25 years to admit what it was and to realize that I did nothing wrong, didn't deserve it and that my responses were normal. Please, please, don't sit with this inside you, wondering about it, questioning yourself. Talk to someone....consider talking to a professional.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): In my books Yes. (you know this already - do we need to confirm what you know - how wasn't it rape would be a question).
Do you think this will stop?
Go to the police or find a friend a go to the police.
Big hug. Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Don't be embarressed or ashamed about what happened or asking if it was rape or not.
The same kind of thing happened to me last year and I was very confused as to whether it was rape or not... As to whether I did all I could to stop it or not... As to whether I brought it on... Was it my fault?
The fact your body reacted to sex the way it did (The way it normally does) does not rule out the fact that he wouldn't take "NO£ for an answer and the fact he forced himself on you.
You've been with him before.... He knows what you like and knows how you get you to feel pleasure... So it is not suprising that you did feel pleasure.
It was rape.
You can mail me if you want.
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A
male
reader, calabarguy  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 This is mild rape, because ur bf (well, immediate ex-bg)slept with u against your wishes. U didn't sound like you feel bad enough to press charges. So just take care of yourself and stay away from confrontation with him. Another scene and u'll be in jail. Right now, it's over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I agree with the others that it's rape if you said no and he forced you. The really strange thing about your behavior though is that you've said he's done this twice before so why in the world you'd let this guy into your room and allow a repeat scenario makes it questionable. Legally, you probably don't have much to go on.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (12 May 2009):
 YES
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A
male
reader, mikefromms +, writes (12 May 2009):
Wow! Listen here, a guy has a responsibility to a lady to respect her wishes. You already said you broke it off with him. You said you didn't want to be like some lady of the night. You said no over and over, just because you ended up kind of liking it is besides the point. Rape can be confusing to a woman. This man thinks he can just have his way with any woman without concequences!
Go to counsellor or rape crisis advisor now. Tell them what you told here. You should not be confused and he should not be out on the streets!
Mikefromms
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (12 May 2009):
hi, yes it is rape! holding you down by the wrists and throwing you down on the bed bnefore pushing his hand down your pants.. if thats not rape I dont know what is! if you still dont take mine and the other readers word for it try ringing some domestic violence charity & asking them, they'll have dealt with this kind of thing before. Im not trying to make you feel worse, but it soinds like he has slept around behind your back so a screening at the local clinic would be a good ide, for your own sake. feel free to message me! good luck! & remember you deserve better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I would have to say yes and you shouldnt let him get away with it. The law is quite simple. If the women says no but he forces you into it anyway then it is rape.
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male
reader, Sledgehammer +, writes (12 May 2009):
sweetie that was rape no matter what way you look at it, he was forcing himself on you, and that is not right AT ALL. You should tell this guy to get out of your life and if he trys to do it again..maybe think about contacting the police
in the eyes of the law this might not be considered rape per se, but it is definitly sexual abuse and the fact he would use force to achieve his ends speaks volumnes. I would stay away from this creep and try and shut him out of ur life as much as possible he is bad news. If he can do this once who knows what he could be capable off, he's just playing with your mind
Take care of yourself I just hope you will be ok
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Did you have a choice,
If not then its rape, I would go to a rapecrisi centre and talk to them they can advise you, oh yeah and stay away from this freak in future.
Really look after yourself now, tell your friend what you think happened, be careful though unless you intend following up with an offical complaint dont bandy the word rape about or you could be sued.
Good luck for the future,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): its rape gurl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): its rape
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