A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody!Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Me and my boyfriend were together for 5 years before the relationship ended. It was mainly my fault, I was writing my university dissertation, revising for exams, working to help my parents fund my university course and attending university placements. I was very stressed, tired and working long hours a week. Something had to give and unfortunately that was my boyfriend. I physically could not see him and do my work and this caused arguments. Eventually we went to a wedding party and we had a huge argument over my lack of time given to him and I finished the relationship. We did not talk for 12 weeks following this. After some time apart I realised our mistakes and decided to contact him as ultimately it was mainly my fault. We met up, talked and decided to start 'dating' again to see if things could change for the better. Two months after that we got back together. We've been back together for 3 months now. In our past relationship I never had a reason to not trust him. I fully trusted him and as far as I am aware neither of us ever cheated. When we initially started dating again I new we had both been dating other people in our seperation period. We were honest about that. I also new that his friend did not want me and him to recover our relationship and wanted my boyfriend to remain single and 'sleeping' around. I have never met this friend of his and have no idea why he dislikes me so much. Recently my boyfriend went on a stag do, he got very drunk and got a taxi to my house. I text his mum to let him know he would be staying at mine and also text this friend to let him know he had got a taxi to mine ( so he wasn't looking for him). His friend text back a sarcastic reply. So I decided to look back through my boyfriend and this friends messages to see what he had said when my boyfriend told him we had first met up again and to see whether I could get some idea why he disliked me so much. I want to make it clear here that I did not look at ANY other messages, Facebook, twitter etc. I didn't even read the recent messages, I just jumped back to January and February's messages to see if he had mentioned why he didn't want us to be together. He didn't really mention much but I did find an argument between them from 4 weeks after me and my boyfriend had started talking again. This argument was about my boyfriend leaving his friend by himself on a night out and talking to a girl all night. His friend had text him saying that if he new that my boyfriend was going to spend all his time with this girl then he wouldn't of bothered going out. My boyfriends reply made me feel sick. My boyfriend said 'you new I had arranged to meet up with her, you were the person who purchased the condoms'. Technically we were not in a relationship at this time. We had been talking for approximately 4 weeks after our time apart. We got back into a relationship 4 weeks after this night in questionWould you mention this? I feel like I have been cheated on when technically we weren't together. We were however dating with the intention of eventually getting back into a relationship. It's made me feel uneasy and doubt whether I can trust him. I also don't want him to think he can't trust me and that I am snooping. It's never crossed my mind to go through his phone looking for texts, I was going to bed until his friend text a sarcastic reply back to me. I don't know what it would of achieved, I guess I was just curious as to why he disliked me so much. Would you class this as cheating?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2014):
 Its not cheating, and I dont see anything wrong with it eithet. You were dating, but not exclusively. You dont own someone just because you date them. At that point, there was no guarantee you would be back together, and he needed to watch out for himself. What if you ditched him, or just treated him like before? Should he have been sitting there patiently waiting for you, just because you might get together? You were not in a relationship then, and he did what he felt like doing, as he should. Its got nothing to do with you. Perhaps thats what makes you feel hurt.. You were hoping theyd be talking about you, and they didnt...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014): I wouldn't care if it was technically cheating or not. It was wrong in spirit.
Do you really want a partner who will betray you just because there is a loophole they can argue?
He knew he was keeping you in the dark about the facts. He did it so he could secretly screw someone else while you stayed faithful to him. That is dishonest IMO.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 It's technically not cheating but then I know what you mean...you expect your partner to not go around sleeping with others when there is a hope of reconciliation. Somewhere in your heart of hearts you know when a relationship is done and will never be rekindled and then there are relationships that you know you will maybe eventually get back to. You hope that in the time apart your partner wouldn't have had sex with anyone else. That, of course, is the ideal situation.
Your partner didn't do anything wrong as such, where he IS wrong is that he entertains such a terrible, weird friend.
I wouldn't worry so much about who he slept with because that's in the past when you were broken up...I would be more concerned about this friend character who obviously has such a strong influence on your B/f's life. This guy needs to be shown the door.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Technically it's not cheating since you weren't back together but emotionally since you were considering getting back together it may feel like a betrayal on some level. Since you broke up with him he was probably hedging his bets and not willing to stop dating during this period. If you didnt' want that to happen you would need to say: "During this period, until we decide what to do, we won't date others."
His friend is weird- buying condoms for him, and trying to sabotage your relationship with him imo.
That is not unusual, especially for people who are unhappy in their own relationships. One of my ex's friends tried to reintroduce him to an old gf while he was with me, the friend was a total loser imo and ended up divorced himself.
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A
female
reader, tiakef  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 ok so it really wasn't exactly cheating though, the fact is he was single at the time. Talking of being together and being together are two different things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): It can't be classed as cheating becuase you hadn't got back together. He was still your EX at this time and although you were re-establishing contact at this time you hadn't agreed to get back together properly.I'd be quite piqued if I'd discovered this but I don't think you can class it as cheating. You asked him if he'd dated other people and he said yes. But he didn't have to go into details. He was basically honest.As for his friend. I don't think his friend actually dislikes YOU. He just like having a single friend that he can go on the pull with. (provided of course he pulls himself which is why he gets jealous if your b/f spends time with anyone else but him on a night out.) And I think his sarkiness towards you is a deliberate attempt to sabotage your relationship and get his single friend back. I mean, it was HIS comment that made all this come out...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Was it cheating - no! He was single and free to do what he wanted with whom he wanted. He didn't know that a month later you and him were going to get back together. Without seeing a month into the future he was unable to foresee that the two of you would be giving it another go, plus he was probably open minded and wary of getting back with you after you finished with him.
I accept that you and he were talking about getting back together but that's very different to actually being together.
To be honest the lack of trust in this relationship should be the other way around - you ARE snooping on him. Looking through his private texts, especially those from before you were officially back together, is wrong and shows a lack of trust.
One thing however that does leap out at me is your BF saying his friend bought the condoms. Bit weird. Should buy his own and not share his sex life with his mate. That would be a concern but the timing of it and the issue of cheating is not.
Mark
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