A
male
age
41-50,
Mark1978
writes:So why use Internet Dating?Over the last few years Internet Datings popularity has soared! There are now millions of us looking for love, romance and friendship online. Like so many aspects of life - shopping, banking, communicating with friends, paying our car insurance...dating has now moved online and into the virtual world. Part of the popularity and huge interest in internet dating is that it is convenient, fun, opens up possibilities convential dating means would not offer and becasue it fits in with the fact that so many aspects of life now are performed over the internet. Just as it is more common for emails to be sent instead of written letter, or friends to communicate via Facebook than face to face, it is now becoming almost the norm to meet our partners via internet dating sites. Although there was once, and to some extent still is, a stigma attached to the whole online dating scene, attitudes have changes considerably in recent years. Like so many people, I found myself single, in my early 30s and stuggling to find a partner through traditional means. One of the most common ways to meet a partner for so many in the past was the workplace. However, with so many people out of work, and those that have jobs often in situations of stress, stringent targets and constant monitoring, it is harder now to get together with someone at work. We often dont have time to chat someone up or really get to know someone in that way now. In my younger days most of the offices I worked in had plenty of social outlets, for various reasons I think that is far less common now. Plus the need to be very politically correct has rightly or wrongly, made flirting in the workplace less common. I didnt have the money nor the inclination or time for clubbing. I did the clubbing scene in my younger days and have no wish to do so now. At the risk of sounding like a boring old fart, my home cities nightlife is not what it once was and is also a more dangerous, or at least intimidating place. Most of my friends are living with a partners now and so its not like I had many single friends to go out with. So, around 2007, I decided to give internet dating a go. Having used dating sites on and off for several years, and having had many dates, some great, others dreadful, along with some great experiences and some frightening mistakes, i thought i would write this "How To..." guide to help potential online daters get the most out of the exciting world of internet dating. This is my first article, so go easy on the praise as i dont want my head to swell too much ;-) I dont claim to be an expert, nor do i claim this guide is comprehensive enough to cover everything. But i hope you will get something out of it! The reality of internet dating:At the risk of stating the obvious, internet dating is not like it appears on TV adverts. Non of the sites I have used are bursting with stunningly attractive, smoking hot people who look like models, make me giddy with excitement and, just as importantly, want to date me. However, there are plenty of attractive, pleasant, decent women on the sites i have used, (im straight so cannot comment on the male talent avaliable although surely im a good enough advert for online dating ladies? No okay). I have met some very nice people indeed. I met a wonderful woman online in 2012 and we spent a happy year or so together. For the record, we split because i was caring for my then sick father and sadly didnt have the time or dedication to the relationship i needed to be giving so we parted amicably. For budding internet daters, or those dissapointed so far with the sites they have used, having realistic expectations is key. Internet dating can be time consuming, disappointing and frustrating, yet many people i know have also found love and happiness online. You might have to kiss a few frogs, endure let downs and dodgy dates, but many of us are managing to find a partner which makes the trials and tribulations worth it. Thats not to say it was all plain sailing in my journey into the world of dating sites! I have also been lied to, been pestered for money, almost had my head kicked in and had my poor heart broken. And that was just today. But that is no different to many situations in everyday life. Life is full of let downs, deceptions and dissapointments, if its wasnt there would be no need for this site, so internet dating is certainly no different to dating via other means in that respect. Some issues are exclusive to online dating, but a common sense approach should protect you for the most part. Some people have asked me if dating sites are full of "weirdos", "desperate people", "broken people", or "sad people who cant get a girlfriend"...well i would love to say NO! but that wouldnt be entirely true. There are plenty of very sensible, attractive, kind, special people avaliable online, many great men and women and that makes it worthwhile, but there are also many people with issues, poor social skills, bad attitude or who are just wasting the time of others. (you knwo who you are!) Im not saying this to put you off, but it is important to be honest. But despite Scams, fake profiles and some very strange people, internet dating is a huge business, and one which millions of people ENJOY using and really benefit from. If you follow some of the advice i am offering, and learn from my own mistakes, use some common sense and be sensible, there is no reason why anyone shouldnt enjoy online dating safely, sensibly, and hopefully have fun and meet someone special in the process! Dont forget to save me a place at the wedding, no red meat please and close to the loo - i have a weak bladder. Choosing a site:There are essentially two types of dating sites; those that are free and those which requires payment, usually a monthly fee or by buying a certain number of credits to contact people. Some dating sites use slightly missleading advertising by stating "100% free to join!"...joining is indeed free, but to actually contact someone, or read messages send to you, will require payment, making the claims of being free somewhat redundant. Its not unknown for the paying sites to entice payment by sending messages to new members from attractive looking profiles, which are probably fake, in the hope someone will be willing to pay to read the (generic) message. Generally, its fair to assume that people who pay to use a site are probably more serious about meeting someone, and presumably more fussy about who they meet, than those who use free sites. That is not to say users of free sites cannot be dedicated and serious about dating, nor is it true that paying members are never going to give someone the run around. I have found from my own experience that the free sites tend to have far more users with very basic profiles with little information and no photo, or profiles that make it clear the person concerned has made little effort. Which you choose depends on your own preference. Nothing in life is entirely free, hence all free dating sites have lots of adverts and pop ups, and many will try to persuade you to pay to become a VIP user or to have your photograph shown more prominantly, etc. There are dating sites for almost everyone now: gay and lesbians, uniform dating sites for those in the forces or services, dating sites for particular religions, those aimed at single parents, mature people, left handed folk, spotty people, almost anything you can think of. Some are better than other of course, and prices vary as does the look and "feel" of a site. I dont feel it appropriate to recommend any sites here nor to give opinions on the sites i have used. I would recommend starting with a free dating site and seeing how you get on first. Creating a profile:Think of your internet dating profile as being like a CV. Just as a CV tells prospective employers about us, our acheivements, our qualifications and so on, a good internet dating profile should tell other site users about us, our personality, our intentions and our interests in a way that makes others either contact us or respond positively to our attempts at communication. The combination of our photograph, personal description, likes and dislikes, relationship intent and username will, hopefully, attract plenty of interest from other users of the site who will be looking for a similar end result and have something in common with ourselves. When we register on a site we are asked to provide some of our personal details, typically name, email adress and so on for verification purposes. Once we have registered, which, depending on the site, can be either simple or ridiculously problematic, we are asked to write a description of ourselves, our potential partner and to state what we are looking for (our intent) and whether we are looking for a male, a female or both. User Name/Relationship intentions:Our user name can say a lot to others about us and our intentions. For security and safety purposes it is best to avoid using your full name. I have seen many profiles where the the user name is something like "donna-marie-dracula1976" or "johnny-billy-flagpole52". Well that tells us their full name, age, and their hometown or city will also be listed. That type of information can easily be used by others to trace us, or for fraudulent use, especially if we give out too much other information when chatting online, which we will look at a little later in this article. Unless you are looking for sexual encounters or a very casual relationship, it is best to avoid suggestive user names such as "SexySarah69", or "Hotbabe4u". Such monikers are likely to attract a lot of interest from those who are just looking for one thing, and may be off putting to those who are looking for something more meaningful. When we register on an Internet Dating site we are asked to select which type of relationship we are looking for. Generally we will be offered a choice of intentions including; fun, hook up, nothing serious/casual relationship, long term/serious relationship and marriage, depending on the sites own options. Although not critical, selecting the most appropriate option is less likely to confuse other users of the site, and allow our profile to stand out more to the people who are looking for the same thing as us.In the world of internet dating the word "Fun" is associated with sex, with some sites allowing users to select that they are looking for "fun" as a more discrete, respectful way of saying they are looking for intimacy. The problem with this is that many people misunderstand the meaning and either select "fun" from the options, or use the word fun in their profile description, meaning fun in the sense of good times, enjoyment, good company, laughter and so on. As a result they get bombarded with messages from miles around which usually include such "fun" introductions as absolute filth. If you are looking for a serious or long term relationship it is best to state that on your profile. It wont stop many of the people who just want sex contacing you, but it should at least make your intentions a little clearer. If you are looking for a no strings attached or a friends with benefits situation then of course using the word fun is an advantage. Friendship is a term often used by online daters but that can cause confusion; some people do use dating sites for platonic friendship, others use the term friendship as a catch all term for pretty much anything from sex to marriage and anything in between. Of course you can use your personal description to state more about what you are hoping to achieve. Photos:In a general sense, men pay more attention to pictures of a prospective partner online than the words in her profile, while women prefer to judge a man on his written description more than a picture. Hence women write too much, men too little. However a photograph is the first thing others see when we present ourselves to the world of potential online daters. Our profile pictures are our first impression, along with our personal description, and the photographs we choose to use can have a huge bearing on how others perceive us and the kind of attention we attract. We dont need to invest in professional photoshoots, in fact its better to avoid professional style images as they can be missleading as to our real life attractivness, but our images should be able to convey an accurate sense of our style and looks. Its amazing how many profile pictures are dark, blurred and show people looking miserable and dishevelled. Perhaps those people really are dishevelled, miserable and live in the dark but i for one will not be contacting them to find out. Taking a good quality image is so easy with modern smart phones, tablets and similar devices that it doesnt take much effort to create a reasonable image. It doesnt have to be a work of art by any means, but a good, clear image of ourselves smiling and looking well presented goes a long way to creating a good first impression. A woman I spoke to recently told me she was shocked at how many pictures on a well known Dating site showed men; standing at, or near, urinals; men topless flexing their muscles; men with their arms around two other women; or making rude gestures at the camera. Several of these people claimed to be looking for a partner who was "mature", "inteligent" and "sophisticated". Although some would see such antics as boys being boys, for many it is off putting and paints a negative opinion. We all do things that, in a first impression at least, may be inappropriate, so it's best to avoid photographs that show such behaviours unless its a very strong part of our identity. As a male user of dating sites I am still shocked by the number of pictures of women smooching with their ex partner, or blind drunk. We may think the picture of us kissing a bottle of Vodka is pretty cool, or the shot of ourselves making an obscene hand gesture is a good laugh, but we need to think about the impression that such images can give to others, and the kind of people we are likely to attract as a result.Certainly many of us are not overly photogenic, as my profile pic on here demonstrates, but anyone can smile for a photograph. We dont need to go over board with designer clothes and cool poses, but at least ensure you look well presented. Obviously if your image and personality is based around a particular style or look then that should be reflected in your pictures too. If you are using existing photographs, rather than ones taken specifically for the dating site, then ensure the images are giving an accurate representation of your looks. You might be handy with photgraphic manipulation software or have some pictures of yourself when you were slimmer and had more hair, but that will only lead to problems when you actually come to meet with someone who, up till that point, had only seen airbrushed images of a younger, slimmer you. At the risk of stating the obvious, your profile pictures should be of you and include a clear image of your face/head. I have seen many profiles where the only pictures are of a tattoo, a pair of legs and a pet dog. Looks are not everything, but being able to put a face to a profile is a good start! Many people choose not to include a photograph on their profile. Sometimes its because they lack confidence in their looks, perhaps they are worried someone they know will see their profile or even because of bad previous experiences with others on the site that they do not wish to be contacted by. However by not showing an image, there is always a doubt that the person may have something to hide. Maybe they are married or in a relationship and do not want anyone to find out they are looking for someone else on the side, or it could be that they are not what or who they claim to be; maybe older, fatter, shorter, receding hair, etc. Personal Description:Men usually dont say enough about themselves, hoping their picture will do all the talking, women say too much not realising a lot of men are more interested in their picture than their words. Like a good CV, the way we describe ourselves and what we are looking for should be enough to catch someones interest, and long enough to give someone an impression of our personality, but be brief enough to maintain their interest and allow for us to expand on it in conversation. Our personal description can be formal, informal, fun or serious, depending on our personality and what we are hoping to achieve. It may be hard to write about ourselves, but it only takes a bit of effort and thought. I do get very frustrated when i click on someones profile and see something along the lines of the following in the description section: "Umm dunno wat to rite ere LOL" or "ASK ME!" If a person cannot be bothered to make the effort to write something about themselves, how serious are they about meeting someone? It can put others, especially those who are very serious about their online dating, off contacting them. I have spoken to very mature, inteligent, articulate people online (they say opposites attract!) who suprised me in that respect because on their profile they used text speak, childish language or just made it seem that they were unable to write a few simple sentances about themselves. That's not to say I got my own profile right first time, im sure could improve my own profile skills after all these years, but ive got better at it.Concentrate on your plus points, personally that didn't take very long, your achievements and the positive aspects of your life and personality. It doesnt have to make you sound incredible or perfect. Avoid talking about problems, your Ex, or being too blunt. I have seen an awful lot of profiles where people have put "DONT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE A LIAR! I DONT DO ONE NIGHTERS AND IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT YOU CAN F*** OFF!" or an equally inviting "I tell it like it is and if you got a problem with that tough!" There is nothing wrong with stating you are not looking for a one night stand, but being respectful and courteous makes a much better impression. Stating in capitol letters that you dont want perv's, players or arse holes contacting you is not really likely to stop that from happening either. Contacting People:Usually women get far more messgaes than men. Most sights have several times more men than women and some women still feel uncomfortable making the first contact. But regardless of your sex, its best to send messages to anyone who could be of interest as most will not respond or reply with either a polite, or occasionaly rude, message to state that they are not interested. Be prepared for a lot of messages to not be read, or read and not replied too. Its all part of interent dating. Dont wait for people to come to you, start contact people. Most sites offer quick, short generic messages you can send to others. They are called things like quick flirts or quick messages depending on the site. The trouble with these is that they come across as half hearted and lazy. A lot of poeple will not respond to them as they neither personal to them, nor does it show any imagination. Women on dating sites have to be prepared for a minority of site users sending messages out of the blue stating that they wish to suck, lick, ram, rub or spill something all over their whatever. Others start with "what are you wearing..." and then it goes down hill from there. Having a thick skin and the ability to hit the delete button is a must. Just as we all have idiots in real life to contend with, internet dating is no different. Sending a first contact message to someone is something you need get right. A wrong first impression is hard to recover from. A lot of people put things like "Hi babes x", "What you at?" or "hello x". Although some will respond to these types of messages, most will not. You dont need to write Shakespeare nor do you need to spend hours writting, but asking about the other persons interests or point made in their description can go a long way. A few lines that says hello and offers a little bit about yourself and maybe shows you have read and taken in their profile details is a always a good start. Be prepared for internet dating to be protracted and frustrating. Getting to know someone online can take a while and more often than not a person you are talking to at lenth today, will not be online at the same time as you for a while, by which point one of you will have forgotten the other. Often people chat for weeks or months and then one of the two will stop responding for whatever reason. Its all part of it im afraid. Security and things to be wary of:The world of online dating is fun, exciting, can lead to great things and many, many people find love and happiness online. Yet, as with so many aspects of life, there are pitfalls and dangers. I dont want to put anyone off, however its important to present the facts. Its very common for people to be scammed online. This usually involves fake profiles being set up with gorgeous photos and a profile that makes this person sound sooo wonderful! They search the dating site for people who are easily led and quickly declare undying love for them and then either give a sob story involving dying Aunts who need £10k for a life saving operation or asking for money to allow the imaginary Mr/Miss Perfect to come and visit the unsuspecting victim. Its amazing how many innocent people fall for these scams, and many can be very elaborate and convincing. There are no shortage of desperate, lonely people who will part with cash HOPING its real. (i wont be doing that again!) Its easy to mock those of us, i mean those people who fall for these wicked scams but its easy to get sucked in. Be wary of anyone who is too eager to please or has a photo that looks like it should be gracing the pages of a glossy magazine. They are not real. Its very important to have your wits about you - giving out information in converstation that can lead to problems later on is too easy to do. If someone seems to be taking too much interest in your children for example avoid them and report it to the site moderator. If you have kids it's important to protect them from possible harm as its easy to allow people you hardly know, other than in the virtual world, to find out details that could cause issues. At the risk of stating the obvious, dont give out your phone number or address to anyone you have yet to meet with a few times. No matter how much, and for how long, you have chatted to someone online, you dont know them in the real world until you have met face to face. I had a short relationship with a women i met online and all went well. She picked me up from my home a couple of times and put my address into her Sat Nav to do so. She told me she was single. Then, one night, i had a text that said "Why the f*** have you been texing my f*****g Girlfriend! I know you live at 3* S******e Road! Me and you will be having a meeting!" Thankfully, after much sweating, losing control of my bowels and pathetic pleading he left me alone. But i learnt my lesson. Some people who use dating sites claim to be single or in an open relationship but in fact are married or have an unsuspecting partner. There are no hard, fast rules to spot these jokers other than taking a common sense approach. Also if someone only talks about sex, their ex, their problems, asks for money or pushes for you to meet them, then they are clearly best avoided, (unless you want to be used for sex, money and your unpaid couselling services of course). I have heard of men who start a conversation with women and then, when one or both is logging off, says "DONT get talking to anyone else you hear?" if that isnt a red flag as to their controlling, dominant persona i dont know what is. Going dating (which is what its all about!):When going on a date its best to meet in a public place for saftey reasons. Recently i met a woman off a dating site, older than me, and she asked me to meet her in the car park of a pub. She didnt want to go in on her own so asked me to meet her outside by her car. Fair enough i thought, but i sat in my car and noticed a large, shaven headed tough guy type sat in a red car staring at me. It was a powerful, sporty model. Then, my date pulled up along side him in a similar car and they ignored each other. I walked over and my date opened her car window and said "get in". I refused. My date woundered what the hell was wrong with me but alarm bells were ringing in my head. This rough guy was looking at me, she had parked next to him when there was a whole car park to park in, and she was asking me to get inside her car. I asked her to step out and join me in the pub and she did so. Turns out it was nothing, the other guy was waiting for someone and i felt a bit foolish BUT you do have to be careful. My date saw my point of view and realized when i explained why i didnt feel comfortable getting in her car, although she did joke a few times about me being kidnapped on the way out. Speaking of first dates, its best to do something relaxed in my opinion. Scuba diving, base jumping, sumo wrestling or a good old fashioned twenty pints followed by a punch up. Ok so im joking but keep it simple. No point blowing a lot of money on a posh, expensive resaurant with silver service and exotic food only to find your date is not what you hoped for or doesnt turn up. I have made that mistake and its infuriating and a waste of hard earned money. Plus the queue in Macdonalds was huge. Forming a relationship:Possibly the most important advice in this article is that you NEVER, ever know someone at all, not one bit, not even just a tiny, tiny amount, until you have actually met in the flesh. That applies no matter how long or how intimate and loving the communications. I'm amazed at how many people her on DC claim to be madly in love with someone, or even talking about commitment and settling down with someone, they have never actually met in person. Often we hear people saying "ive been in a reationship for two years with a guy online but have never met." Well they have absolutely nothing except a virtual relationship with someone they only know via the filter of social media and electronic communcation. If you have ever used friends reunited or facebook to contact, or being contact by, people you went to school with, or used to work with, you would be forgiven for thinking that everyone you once knew is now married to their "dream girl", drives a BMW and have an Oh so amazing career. Internet dating is often the same. Peoples online persona can be very different to the reality of their real lives. For this reason, you can never really tell what someone is like until you meet face to face. Communicating via email, dating sites, phone and text is not the same as being with someone in a real world situation, and even if communciating all day and night at a very intimate level, is not the same as knowing that person in real life. When responding electronically we have time to form a witty, sexy or inteligent reponse, if we are in a bad mood we can reply later or make an excuse, we can also mention the good things and omit the bad or chat when we feel like it and not when we dont. Via text, email and dating sites we can be, do, say or have anything we like. Face to face is different. In a real life conversation we dont have time to reword our reponses or ponder a witty reply. We cant hide our mood so easily face to face nor can we hide the negative traits we all have. Claiming to have worked hard all day gardening, cleaning and ironing (when in fact having spent the day drinking and playing console games) is easy in a text or email, a lot harder to hide in real life. I have met women i was really excited about online and really liked, only to find they had really bad breath, turn up late, looked nothing like their profile pictures (ie: ten years older and four stone bigger) or mumbled yes and no answers face to face having been chatty and flirty online (what a crap date THAT one was!) I have heard so many women say they met with men who claimed to be 35, slim, Six foot Two and well dressed, only for a 45 year old plump, short, balding guy in a tracksuit to turn up. Often the other person spent weeks or months chatting and forming a positive impression, maybe even developing feelings, for this guy, only to be dissapointed by reality. There is so much baggage that can be hidden via the virtual world of emails, phone calls and texts - secret partners, wives or husbands, children, drink problems, aggression issues, mental health problems, hygeine issues, porn addictions, debt...but enough of my problems, lets get back on track. People who are so courteous online and so polite via text, can be very different face to face. Its only when we spend time with someone in that situation that we really learn about them, their habits, their persona and how they treat not only us, but also those around us such as waiters, bar staff or our friends. Forming a loving, commited relationship takes a spark, a connection, a mutual attraction first, then an appreciation of each others traits, personalities and outlook. That takes time in the real world, non of the other stuff; texting, sexting, calling and emailing, counts for anything in that respect. In my experience nine times out of ten either i didnt like the person i was meeting, or they didnt like me. In every case we seemed to like each other before we actually met. Some folk are very flirty and open via electronic means, only to clam up and be very introvert and quiet when they meet someone. I will say again - we dont know anyone at all until we spend time face to face. Only then do we see them at their best and their worst, and judge how they treat us and others in real life. What often happens however, is that our imagination takes the positive, best behaviour, very much filtered aspects of the other persons personality we are presented with online, and makes up the rest with our idealistic version of that person. We think we know the person, we love their world, their outlook and their claims BUT when we meet we often feel let down. The dates I liked the best and people I got on well with the most were those I didn't think I would have much in common with chatting online. Conversely, those women I couldn't wait to meet with were usually disappointing (or disappointed!) So i hope this information is useful to those who are either considering ID or are not getting the results they hoped for thus far. A common sense approach, an eye for red flags and a thick skin is pretty handy in any aspect of relationships, online dating is no different. You can meet great people, enjoy ID and perhaps meet your dream man or woman, as long as you stay safe and keep clear of the scammers, weirdos and fake profiles. Phew thats the end of this rambling. I hope you are still with me and didnt get fed up after the first paragraph? Good as it took a whole two and a half minutes to write this stuff, hate to feel it was wasted. Best of British to you...Mark
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reader, Abella  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Hi Mark
This is where I have added your article. It was going to be the Best 22 articles but as you can see I see Fantastic articles keep on appearing on Dearcupid.org that I want to access again to provide advice to others.
And your article was really comprehensive. And needed to be added to my Great Articles resource:
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 June 2014):
Mark1978 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Abella! Glad you enjoyed.
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reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2014):
This is a really good guide. I am adding it to my Best Articles post.
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