A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a rut. I'm completely infatuated with a close friend who is currently in a relationship. I have difficulty getting her out of my mind. We email and talk all the time and I would like to find out if there is more there, but I don't want to risk the friendship either. You know the song and dance, it's been discussed here plenty.Recently, I've been noticing that there are a couple other girls that may be interested in me. They, unlike my crush, are single. Part of me is screaming "go for it" but a bigger part of me still can't get my crush out of my head. I've had a crush on her for almost 5 years. I had hoped it would go away but it hasn't.My fear is that if I started something with one of these other girls, I would not give them the kind of attention they would diserve. In my head, it would be something like "in the mean time..." Should I bother, or should I work out my issues first? Would dating a possibly great girl help me with my issues?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Absolutely date other people! You can't hang around waiting for a relationship to end, get out there and meet new people! I'm sure your close friend is fascinating, but lots of people are fascinating when you begin to gain their trust, learn their past and truly begin to understand how they think.
5 years have past and you're even less likely to end up together now than when you first met. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but after 5 years if things haven't progressed to anything more than a close friendship, you've got to question the feasibility of anything more happening.... right?
The fact that you are worried that you won't pay your future girlfriend enough attention is a pretty good indicator that you WILL pay her enough attention. If you've always got that fear in the back of your mind, its only going to make you try harder.
Goodluck bro :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): If it really has gone on for FIVE YEARS, then this is deeply unhealthy. You need to start dating girls. And I mean right now! I know crushes. Trust me. You need to distance yourself from this girl for some time and find someone else. There is no other option.
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A
male
reader, Artfuldodger  +, writes (5 March 2010):
Dude be a man!
tell her how you feel once and then move on. She is NOT your friend, and the reason she is not your friend because you are lying to her. She thinks that you are her friend but in actuality you are just pretending to be her friend.
Don't care about her having a boy friend. In my experience every girl who is worth having always has a boy friend, so don't let that stop you. Why should that bother you in the first place, what you can't handle a little bit of competition?????????
Be a man, and go upto her and tell her that you like her, and if her answer is NO, so be it alteast you got your answer. Lets face it, when you tell her that you like her, your friendship is forever ruined anyways. No girl likes to be friends with a guy who she knows likes her.
So if her answer is yes, believe me it can happen, you get to have a relationship with a girl that you like. If her answer is NO, no problem, just move on brother. Cut all ties with her, you are not to talk to this girl AT ALL for a few months.
In those few months you have fun, you live a little, give other girls a chance........take up hobies, books, movies.....theatre, courses........you fill up your life, and you will see slowly and gradually you will stop thinking about her and comparing every girl to her, and guess what when after few months when you see her again, you will say to yourself "Man, i can't believe this is the girl I was crazy about........"At the end of day dude, i know it is a cliche, but I'll still repeat it........she is just a girl!!!...
no girl is worth that much!!
good luck bro...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): OP Here.Yes, I am in love. That's what makes it so hard. It played into ruining my previous relationship as well. I was constantly comparing my GF to her (internally) and she always fell short. I am mindful of the pedistal effect, but we've spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. I know here pretty well, flaws and everything. The biggest thing holding me back from pursuing her is that she has a BF. I respect that, even if I don't respect him.I appreciate your input. I think you both make very good points. I think I'm going to see what happens and try to see how things go with these other girls. Who knows, I may be reading their signs completely wrong anyway. Can't hurt to try, right?
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A
female
reader, smitheroon +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Yes! Date someone else!!
I don't want to demean your crush, because trust me, I have harbored some SERIOUS crushes in my life, but it's really easy to fall for somebody you "can't have" for that very reason - you can't have them. They become like an ideal, almost this creature you put on a pedestal and over time they are less and less a human being you could seriously think about arguing over movie rentals and laundry with and more a god or goddess.
I (thought) I was incredibly in love with a guy I worked with for three years. Then I met someone else and almost didn't go for it because of this guy I liked. Then I realized something . . . if I've been around him for three years and he hasn't seen in me (IN THREE YEARS!!) what these other guys have seen in a short time and then compelled them to ask for my number or asked me on a date - what am I doing? Wasting my time!
Remember that no matter how well you know your crush, she'll always be just a 'crush' and not a 'real girl' unless you've dated her and you haven't. Give these other girls a chance. :)
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A
female
reader, jroe +, writes (5 March 2010):
never hurt someone else because you arr hurting, its wrong and you already know it, next never lie to yourself you my friend are in love, you know it anyone who read your letter knows it, love never comes when we want it but it is always on time, you must respect the other person relationship and don't try to damage it in any way, because what goes around always come back around when we least expect it, a love that can endure is a real love, so work on yourselve and this person will see what they are missing and maybe just maybe the desire of your heart will be given to you, keep busy and the person will notice you.
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