A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:From the age of 16 my dream was to have a business where I could earn money from my computer and travel the world. No one believed that was realistic but I worked hard over the last 9 years at it and now I am almost in the position to live like that. The only thing holding me back is my relationship. I love my girlfriend of 3 years but I can’t keep her and live out my dream. She has a son who is entirely dependent on her (we get no money from his father) and while we’ve been together they’ve both become increasingly dependent on me. When we got together the house was a tip (plates would only be washed as a last resort, the bin would be surrounded with rubbish, beer cans would remained lying around for months). She does very little housework now but I keep it together (just about). When we first met, she was an unemployed, broke, single mother. Now she a job and we have food in the cupboard but it means I have to collect her son from School and somehow she is still more dependent on my income than ever. She also has a lot of emotion problems such as worrying about how she looks all the time and feeling tired most of the time. She’s taken antidepressants in the past but decided she didn’t want them anymore. She always comes to me for support and says I make her feel better about life than anyone else ever has.I love spending time with her but feel I’m staying with her more because she couldn’t cope without me than because I want to. I know it’s all pointing to the fact that I should go if I’m not happy but would she get by without me? She barely did before she knew me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your well thought out replies. All of them have been good to read and I'm sure I'll read them a few times to take everything in. k_c100 asked if I want to be young, free and single and what the problem was. I feel I've given up so much (moving away from my family and friends, plans for the future, being able to go out without planning 3 weeks in advance (I never wanted to be a father, just a friend to her son, my parents divorced when I was young but I never saw their new partners as parents)) and I'm putting a lot more into the relationship than I'm getting out. Yes I want my independence back, quite badly. Not because I want to chase girls (I’m far from that type of person), just because I want to live my life the way I imagined. At the start of the relationship I said I needed to keep my independence. I've learned now that's not likely to happen with a relationship, so I'll be keeping away from them for a long time. I don't want to break any more hearts. This is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. With hindsight I shouldn't have gotten into the relationship, but then there would be very few relationships in the world if only the ones that last throughout life were started.I may sound selfish and I know it's going to hurt all of us, but I think it's better to end it now rather than live the rest of my life feeling I've missed out on what I wanted to do.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (17 March 2009):
 You're right, you know the answer already.
You have set up a road map for your self 10 years ago, and you are ready to embark on a new journey as you had planned. I suspect that you love your girl friend, like you love a close or best friend. The tone of your voice somehow did not convey that you are in love with her. Or if indeed you are (you are just not putting it in words for us), it is not as strong as the "pull" towards the other journey.
In any case, if your calling for travelling is that strong, and that is where your hear lies at the moment, then you need to tell her. Was she in the loop in this? Have you shared this information on your dream with her? If you had, what did she say to that?
3 years is sufficient time for her to learn to better take care of herself, including managing her depression. You are not a professional in that area so you were not trained to counsel her to help her overcome it. But she is a full grown adult, with a child. I am more worried about what to become of the child than the mother actually.
Do you have friends that she can trust, who can look in trom time to time and keep a watchful eye on the child? Is there a support group for the depressed people near you? Perhaps you can persuade her to join one? Thus you help her to help herself? And her son too.
Self help Support Groups
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/would-she-get-by-without-meshes-too-dependent.html
Depression Support Group Alliance
http://www.depressionalternatives.co.uk/
Depression UK
http://www.depressionuk.org/
Depression Support Group
http://www.dsg-woking.org.uk/local_info.html
You are in a very tough spot right now. But even if you were not planning on going on a round the world trip, it is not a good either to stay with your g/f simply because she couldn't cope thus you "pity" her, as opposed to you wanted to stay with her because you love her.
Perhaps, the best thing to do right now is to start gradually "weaning" her of their dependency on you. You move out, and only visits every other day or once a week. Random times. In the meantime, you continue to talk to her and remind and support her to go to the depression support group meetings. Gradually your visits to her place will get less as you get busier preparing for your journey etc. Would that work? Also, if you are close to the child, you need to let him know that you are not "abandoning" him.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (17 March 2009):
 the thing is about her she has become too dependant on you and yeah she is probably still scrapping off you now even though she has a job because maybe she's trying to put money aside for her sons future but you need to tell her to maybe branch out on her own and stop relying on you after all it's her son not yours i mean help out every now and again but you need to let her know that she can't always rely on you and if you want to live your dream then do it! you have to tell her that you want to do it and have been waiting to do it for god knows how long and if she loves you she will let you live your dream and start thinking for her self.
if she doesn't then maybe you need a serious talk with her or get her some counselling she is relying on you too much and you have no way to rely on her it's meant to be a two way thing when you need someone she is there for you when she does visa versa not just a one way street because there will be a breaking point for you and it's not fair you deserve some help along the way as well even if its to let you know she is there for you.
Hope this helps,
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 March 2009):
 In answer to your question, then yes she will survive without you. She managed before (even if it was only just surviving) and she will cope if you do leave. People are very resilient, and she has her son to get her through the tough times.
But I hope you have thought this through - do you really want to leave her? Why cant you achieve your dream with your girlfriend in your life? I am just worried for the child's sake - I know it is not your own child but you have been around for 3 years and the child will have a pretty strong attachment to you by now. You should not have entered into the relationship if you could ever have imagined walking out on them - it is not fair to the child. He already has lost one father, and now looks like he will be losing another. So while they will get by without you, you will damage that child emotionally and this will affect his development for the rest of his life.
And you say you love spending time with her, and you say you still love her. So what is the problem? Do you basically want to be young free and single? Are you not cut out for the responsibility? Do you want all your hard-earned money for yourself? It is not clear what your reasons for leaving are, which makes me wonder are you just being selfish in all of this and not thinking about your girlfriend and her child?
While it is ok to be selfish at times, and all of the possible reasons I listed above are acceptable; the problem here is that there is a child involved. She will have told you early on about her son, so you knew what you were letting yourself in for. Once you enter a child's life, whether it is as their real father or just as a father figure, you cannot just get out of it when you feel a bit unhappy.
And what is worse is that you dont seem particularly unhappy for any other reasons than that you want your own money all to yourself and that you dont want 2 people to depend on you. Being in love with someone and enjoying spending time with that person is not unhappiness - so what is making you unhappy?
I hope you think about this carefully, more for the child's sake than anyone elses. while it would be just as bad for you to stay in the relationship if you were unhappy just for the sake of the child, if you can work things out here I think it is worth a try. She seems to have tried to change for you (maybe you are just a good influence on her) seen as she now has a job and is trying to support herself. Give her a break; it must be horrible having the child's father not even contributing towards the child that they made together. She sounds like she is having a tough time, so you need to be 100% certain that this cannot work and that you are really unhappy before you do walk out on her.
Once again, she will survive but you will also be doing some serious damage whilst you are at it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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