A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:About 2 years ago my marriage broke up, essentially I left my wife for another woman. It was a really bad situation where I felt deeply unhappy in my marriage, but instead of just leaving I started an affair, was found out and this bought everything to an head. although my wife was hurt she still wanted us to stay together but I chose to end things. I am now living with the woman I had the affair with (and am very happy).The problem is my daughter, who was 15 at the time, was caught up in the middle of all of this, in fact I think she was aware of the affair before my wife was. This as basically ruined my relationship with my daughter. We did see each other on a regular basis but only once a week, and even this as stopped. she says she doesn't trust me any more. To me she seemed to be looking for me to prove that she is still important to me, more important than my new partner. I am terrified that our relationship has ended and that I have lost my daughter, and there seems like there is nothing I can do?
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male
reader, mart36 +, writes (29 June 2009):
what a horrible reply from KellyXXX she must be a total angel having made no mistakes ??? I had an affair which i ended shortly after i began i have 2 young children and was seperated for the most part of the affair. It actually began the night i walked out , i cannot stress enough how bad it feels to be seperated from my children i often break down and cry when i speak with then or have to say goodbye after we go out . I am always availiable to them be it by phone , email, or they can see me at a moments notice there well being is paramount to me . Here is the but though! if you stay in a relationship thats not working you become leff of a parent you dont want to go on family days out with your partner for me in the end i moved out because it was affecting how i was with my children! Affairs are awful to be honest i would tell my wife but that would onlyy serve to lighten the guilt i already feel and boy do i feel it . My advice would be to talk to your ex wife tell her how sorry you are for the way everything happened but that you love your daughter above your new partner and will do whatever it takes to rectify this situation , people are human they make mistakes thats the whole point in life you learn and try to move on ,please dont listen to people like Kelly who cannot know the hurt you are probaably feeling .Good luck - put her first she will come round
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Your daughter is actually TERRIFIED that you will hurt her just as you did her mum. And she has reason to feel this way. Did you abandon her as well when you left your marriage for this other woman? Did you talk to her and explain what you have now told us. I am sure in hindsight you wished that you were open from the beginning. You never did just cheat on your wife, you cheated on your daughter. YOU took her father away from her. Maybe you were so living for this other person that you never considered what it was doing to your child. And she was a child - and battling to come to terms with your betrayal and deceit.
Although you do not say this i think the reason your daughter has "divorced" you is that in the beginning you "divorced" her as well and go on with your life, not bothering about her. She felt abandoned, lonely and distrustful.
I am so sad to say that your infidelity has screwed her up for a normal decent relationship she may one day have. She will believe that all men are cheats, liars, distrustful men.
I believe that she too is mourning the loss of a father/ daughter relationship. How do you try to mend this. Maybe Oldguys advice should be taken????
HOWEVER:
I am concerned that you say "To me she seemed to be looking for me to prove that she is still important to me, more important than my new partner." Why are you distrusting how she feels. You are now questioning her motives. I am unsettled by the above.
Yes she feels betrayed and would resent this other person. What do you expect from her? You were not a martyr yet you expect her to be. You are the adult here and you did not behave initially like an adult. Yet you expect her to accept this other person, who contributed in messing up her life. How does your partner re act to your daughter, did she try to befriend her or did she make your daughter feel out of place/ unwanted?
Have you thought about apologizing firstly to your wife for your affair, because you HURT AND HUMILITATED HER, You chose your lover instead of your wife and this would have destroyed her.
Then try speaking or even writing a letter to your daughter. Also apologise to her. Try also doing things/outings with your daughter only, do not include your partner. I have a very very close friend that married a man who had 2 boys from a previous marriage. In the beginning she wanted to be included in ALL aspects of her husband and boys activities. These boys, although they saw their father only 2 times a year did not have any time alone with him. My friend said that they were now a family and family does everything together. Now 3 years later although my friend won’t admit it, she can see that these boys need time alone with their dad.
There seems to be some sort of competition with your partner and your daughter for your attention. I can expect this behaviour from your daughter but what about your partner? You may have told her previously in no uncertain terms that your new partner is more important to you. Your behaviour would speak volumes let alone words.
“I am now living with the woman I had the affair with (and am very happy).” I am happy that your affair worked for you but am so sad at the devastation it caused to your daughter.
Your daughter is in an emotional crises. How do you help her get through this. She needs to heal. After her healing then perhaps you can try to have a decent relationship with her. For now you have to endure the hostility and the non communication.
This is such a long road…………..i hope and pray that your daughter heals, and learns to love again. Your betrayal has devastated her. You know, as parents we must try to put our childrens feeling first (it’s the unselfish act of being a parent). Right now her needs must come first. It means respecting her decision not to see you. Affairs cause devastation, heartache and pain for everyone. Only your partner seems to have been escaped this. Your POOR DAUGHTER!!! Please also learn to trust her and her feelings. Believe me, it is very real.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Thats a fantastic response from Oldguy - I think that you should ignore all of the other negative responses on here as they are not helpful to you at all. Had I been moderating on this occasion many of them would not have been approved.
You clearly regret the way that this has happened and I'm sure that if you could go back in time, you would have ended the marriage before the affair started. But everyone is human and makes mistakes, and when a person is unhappy sometimes the actions they take are ill-advised, it is just part of being human.
As Oldguy said, your daughter is too young to see that everyone makes mistakes, including mum and dad. All you can do is give her some time to come round. After all, you will always be her dad and there will always be some part of her that loves you. Keep sending birthday cards, letters, emails, whatever you can to make her see that you still love her and want her in your life. The worst thing you can do is stop conacting her and wait for her to come to you - she will just see this as your not interested in her anymore.
And dont try and bribe her with gifts either, she is probably old enough now to see through anything like this. While the hurt is still fresh for both her and her mum, she probably wont want to see you. But with some patience and hope, oneday she will start to let you back into her life again.
Try and stay strong, and dont ever give up on your daughter. I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): This happened at the time in your daughter's life when she was already in turmoil with adolescence. As teenagers are breaking away and establishing their independent selves, it's oddly a time when stability at home is particularly important.
There should come a time, when she's gained some life experience, where she'll understand that sometimes marriages simply don't work out and that it isn't always reasonable to expect people to remain in situations in which they're miserable. And there will come a time when she truly realizes that parents are fallible human beings, and deserve to be cut the same slack for mistakes as anyone else.
You have a really tough line to walk now to salvage the hope of a relationship with your daughter in the future. If she doesn't want to see you, you have to respect that. That does not mean that you can't make it very clear that the door is open. Send her a card for her birthday, Valentines Day, any time that's meaningful to your family. Maybe she's open to communicating via text, Facebook, email, whatever. Keep trying, don't miss an opportunity to let her know you're thinking about her, that you love her, and that she'll be welcome in your life any time *she* chooses.
A last point -- be sensitive to the fact that she's living with her mother, who is probably devastated by what's happened. Unless your ex-wife is a saint-like example of forebearance, she's going to share some of her hurt with your daughter. Keep in mind, then, that not all of the issues your daughter has with you necessarily come from within your daughter.
There are no guarantees. But maybe, with patience and persistence, you'll find your daughter in your life someday down the road.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): You'll never be the same in her eyes again. You need to tell her what you told us, I should've taken steps to save or end marriage BEFORE starting an affair. You've deeply hurt her and all you can do now is wait with open arms, but that could be a very long time.
This is just me, but I would have no respect for my dad if he was 'living' with a woman vs. marrying her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): I agree with kelly xxx
my husband had been unfaithful we are still together but one of my sons had asked his dad if he was having an affair he lied to him told him NO now my son wants nothing more to do with him my son says he will never be able to forgive him for lying and deceiving me and him,this was 2 years ago.I have tried to talk to my son but he cannot understand how i could forgive his dad and he is adament that he never will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): prove to her that she is the most important person in your life (as she should be and if she isn't then you'rea terrible excuse for a human) I know for a fact my dad would do anything for me, i dont see him much but when I speak to him he tells me he loves me, he always wants to know what im up to, and encourages me more than anyone else does to do what makes me happy. I think my dad's the best dad in the world (& im not much older than your daughter)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Everything has a price, this one was pretty costly wasn't it!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): :( I don't agree with your having an extramarital affair; however, can understand as you were visibly unhappy.
Your daughter is experiencing a plethora of feelings. Her father, who is supposed to be faithful to his wife, has an affair and only leaves when he is found out. She feels distrust, cheated, without love (as you left her for that woman - funny how children tend to feel the same as the spouse). Her once together parents (though unhappy) are no longer together. This leaves her feeling vulnerable, alone, without love.
This is a very vulnerable time for her as she is more than likely feeling very insecure. As you said, I do think she is looking to see if she is more important to you than your new girlfriend.
I believe that if you were to set up a "date" for just the two of you (no girlfriend) and open up to her about how you are feeling, perhaps things can be resolved. Then, make the effort to call her regularly, go out with her, etc. Once she feels comfortable with the other woman, then come together as a whole family. This could actually eventually become a positive thing.
I wish you luck and though you made a terrible mistake you should not be put down.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Well if you were my dad I wouldn't want any contact with you, I wouldn't trust you and I wouldn't even give you the respect of calling you dad! You are scum!!! Leave your daughter alone and let her get on with her life! If she wants to mke contact in the future then that's fair enough but you will be lucky to see her again!
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