A
male
age
36-40,
*heburmster
writes:I'm 22 and live in London UK. I have known that I'm gay since early adolescence. I started to meet guys off the internet, and go to gay bars and clubs. Up to now, the only people I have told I'm gay are other gay men, who have absolutely no connection with my friends or family.My family is jewish, and this makes them quite traditional. Because of this, I have (stupidly) over the years suggested I 'liked' certain girls, or that maybe one day I'll end up with a 'nice jewish girl'. I think I have said these things to throw people off the scent, so there's no suspicion in their minds that I might be gay.Equally, a lot of my friends are jewish, and I've told them the same thing. This is because their parents know my parents, and I was worried if i came out to my friends, it would get back to my parents very quickly. In the last few years, I've met some truly amazing guys, some of whom I could have had amazing relationships with. I would love to have a boyfriend and be open about it, but I'm scared of looking like an idiot, given all the things I've said to my friends and family to 'throw them off the scent'.What do i do???
View related questions:
the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (2 February 2008):
 i would test the water with my own peer group first as religion and conformity can have a strange effect on people
come out to your closest friends and if anyone tells your parents without your permission then deny it and cut them away from you until you are ready to deal with it. all the other answers seem to advocate the idea that people can overcome their narrow viewpoints but this isn't always so. have a backup for your own peace of mind, maybe save enough money to live on your own for a while or move out if your finances allow it then tell them. That way if they have an intensely bad short term reaction you are ready for it.
all this may be unecessary but having a backup will make you confident and give you the safety you may need to gain some courage (as for my understanding of this, i am gay and my mum found out in novemeber and we had a strained talk and now it is never spoken of but we get along fine and i am 22 also).
take care
A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (1 February 2008):
I tried to throw my parents off the scent but my Mum still suspected I was gay. The reality is you'll never know their reaction until you tell them. You could try getting them to think you might be gay so when you tell them it isn't such a shock (although in my instance this didn't work as with the first hint my Mum asked me if I was gay). They may already know or suspect, or they may be completely unaware. You could try and somehow suss them out how they feel about gay people or you may already know. The fact that you're 22 or older and don't have a girlfriend may have already raised doubts in their minds.
I agree with the first poster - emphasise that you have no interest in women, that this isn't a phase and your feeling towards men were not a choice. Also make them aware that this doesn't mean you'll have a bad life. When my parents found out I was gay my Dad was upset because he thought it meant I'd have a terrible life (which he's now realised isn't the case).
If your parents react badly such reactions often fade once they get over the shock. It may take them time to adjust.
In the end you need to set yourself free. Go for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 You may think that they don't know, but a lot of parents aren't surprised when there children come out to them. Friends too. You may be thinking that you have thrown them off the scent, but they might have been thinking that you were fooling anyone but yourself. What they have probably noticed is that they feel a bit distant from you because there is a part of you life that has been hidden from them, and I'm pretty sure they will have noticed that you haven't shared it with them. The experience that I had with a gay friend coming out was it was kind of a non-event by the time he told us all.
How to do it? That I don't know. But a funny way from the movies was - "Mom, Dad, I have Cancer and I only have six months to live... *pregnant pause* No - Actually I'm just gay". Well, in the movies it was funny, in real life, it would just be mean. Don't spring it on at a family event, unless you want the family event to become you. The same for any other special event, anniversaries or birthdays. Pick a non-event day and just call and drop by and tell them. I bet they already know, but they will appreciate finally being able to share your life with you again. Good luck with everything!
...............................
|
