A
male
age
36-40,
*hris23010
writes:Ok i am at a lost and wanted to get an outside opinion of my situation...I don't know if I can save my marriage with my wife or if I even want to anymore, nor do I know how to tell her that though I love her dearly as she was my first love and is the mother of my child I am not in love with her anymore...I just don't feel that spark anymore and don't know if I could get it back. Please read my story below and let me know what you think I should do or If you think it is time to call it quits how could I go about telling her without hurting her.... I have been married for a little over 2 years now and have had a pretty rough time of it. I am a fairly emotional guy southern raised with manners and respect. Currently a US Marines so fairly well disciplined and pretty heavy on completing whatever I set out to do. When I met my wife she seemed to be a perfect match she seemed kind sweet, affectionate, and very loving. We were in bliss and rushed things way to fast ending up married after only knowing each other for roughly 6 months. Immediately after marriage things started to go south in our perfect relationship. I quickly learned we didn't have nearly as much as I thought in common and that alot of the views and opinions she expressed to me while dating didn't seem to hold up with how she lived her life. From the beginning we have fought over many issues such as Her attitude, sex, and responsibilities around the house. My wife has issues with herself right now that make her moody and for some reason I seem to always be the target for her to take all these frustrations out on. I would be ok with this if it weren't an everyday circumstance or if she could maintain it to venting on me, and not taking it out on me. I get treated like dirt on most days for little to no reason. She acts the same way to her mother who live relatively close so we spend a fair bit of time with her parents. She also has been uncooperative in trying to settle fights or working on any of our major issues. She rarely opens up to me and when she does she refuses to change or compromise her beliefs to make me happy. I have tried numerous times in the last 2 years to get her to work with me and she has consistently outright refused until recently. Now she isn't refusing but when we talk we just fight she still isn't bending at all from what she wants and usually ends up yelling at me when i try and talk to her about it. Our sex life has been pretty pathetic since marriage as well. I realize, as my wife, she isn't my sex-slave but at the same time I am a young man and have a very strong sex drive which only she can fulfill as cheating isn't an option for me. We have gone as long as 2 months without sex in the first year of our marriage which drives me nuts. I am constantly stressed out and have tried being romantic and doing numerous other things to set the mood and she refuses me on all levels. When we do have sex she also refuses to do much of anything besides plain 1945 sex which just doesn't always do it for me. I am not a freak but I do like to enjoy more than 2 positions....I guess as I don't want this to sound to raunchy ill leave any further details out. Another major issues is responsibilities around the house. Again I am not a asshole I have no problems helping around the house. but I have my limits....for example there was about a 4 month period of time in our first year where she did not work and after coming home from a 10-13 hour day the house would be dirtier than it was the day before. She hadn't done a thing all day and when asked why she said I should take an equal part in taking care of the house as her even though we did not have a kid at the time and she wasn't working. That doesn't seem quite fair to me and we had huge fights over it numerous times. Now she works as a In home day care provider where she watches our son and 1 other 3 year old from our house. To get certified by the base to do this she had to get the house inspected for safety sanitation etc....It took her 2 months to clean the house to where it was inspection ready, Throughout this time I had tried to help numerous times by doing a large portion of it for her taking our son out for the day so she could be left alone to clean, etc....She still refused to get this done which left her out of work alot longer than we planned which set us back financially quite a bit and we still haven't recovered from that. Once she did open she was still required to have the house inspection ready at all times but it would just seem to again get dirtier each day until the weekend when I would help her clean it or if we ran out of dishes so I would clean them during my 2-3 hours I was home or and awake so we had something to eat off. I guess that is our major trouble areas all of which we have fought over non-stop for 2 years with absolutely no improvement. We just don't seem to have much in common anymore and about the only thing we do together is eat watch TV and play with our son. I still love her very much but and not in love with her so to say. She was my first real love and is my sons mother but I honestly really don't think I want to be with her anymore. I don't know what to do because now she is starting to act like she is gonna try and change and we have a 7 month old together but honestly I cant trust the fact that she will actually do anything she has done this before to keep me from going and I cant stand how I am becoming due to all this stress. The military has started me on taking medication because my blood pressure has risen so high in the last year, I am getting to be increasingly moody, I find it hard to enjoy alot of things I use to, I am not the nice person I use to be. Though she is now acting like she wants to change she has acted like this before and failed to fix anything. That is what makes it so hard she's being nice now but I have serious doubts it will last long as it has never lasted before and I really don't know if I can take this anymore.... To top it all off I have recently come back in contact with a girl whom I was best friends with in school and who I have always had a big crush on but we never had a chance to date. She is now single and as it turns out she says she always felt the same way about me but again when she wasnt dating someone I was and vice versa. As I said I would never cheat on my wife but I am finding myself less and less interested in my wife and more and more interested in her....I feel bad for thinking about it but honestly after 2 years of giving it my all with little to nothing in return would I be wrong to leave my wife and pursue a relationship with my old friend
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best friend, crush, military, period, sex drive, sex life, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I've just noticed the sex thing, and yes, another common problem in relationships. Try the other things suggested first. Once you are on the same page about marriage, communication and intimacy, then you can come back to the problems of having borring sex. Dear Cupid dose have tons of solutions for that issue, but first, try to do the problem solving thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): If she and you are able to go counselling then that would be great. Counselling is good at helping people to communicate and working on area's that might be hidden or ignored. Sometimes people find it difficult to talk or change because it is painful, or they are scared that it will destroy the relationship, or open up a Pandora's box of hurt and pain. Hopefully counselling will help you both the talk in a kind and responsible way.
Please pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by Dr.John Grey. It's a classic textbook on improving relationships in relationships, and explaining how different people react to things.
I like loving, romantic relationships, where people can be totally honest even if an argument or two may occur. For me, married couples/partners should always work on romance, always try hard to pretend that they are on an everlasting honeymoon. Instead of concentrating on problems and things that you hate (negative), think about why you fell in love with this woman, all the good memories you had together, and work hard with her, or even by starting alone to bring the magic back. Hard I know especially if the place is a mess or you work hard, or one of you are stressed or depressed. Maybe your wife might need a job, or some outside interests. Staying at home doing child care can be exhausting and unrewarding, because the work is never done. Maybe if she gets away from the house sometimes, she won't feel overwhelmed, and like you can approach it with eyes anew and see what needs doing to make it look it's best.
Check out this post, it's about the issue of pornography, which is not one of your issues, but it dose have what I call a five point plan to help bring love and magic into a relationship. Check out the answer by the Wizard of Waz and see if any of his solutions might help you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/all-bets-are-off-now-here-in-suburbia.html
Many people get fed up with the problems and routines that occur with married life. This is a common thing in most marriages. A new partner won't make things better, one day that new partner will also do things to upset you and drive you up the wall. Better to solve the problem you have at home, and yes your problems can be solved. Start from the new year, you are no longer husband and wife, start being boyfriend and girlfriend again (and parents to your child on the side) Give a smile to receive a smile, do the little things you used to do to attract a partner, positive things to make each other smile and fall in love a little everyday. I know dishes and a possible "lazy" wife, might drive you up the wall, but how important are the dishes. The day you die what do you want to be written on your gravestone.... My dishes were clean or I loved my wife with all my heart.
I'm hoping that counselling with bring more intimacy and understanding into your relationship. Try to bring the romance and the magic back. As you've noticed, things can change. Build on the love you already have, try to work together and make love not war. Easy to say, hard to achieve, but you both can do it, because you've started already this Christmas, and by asking advice from strangers and professionals about how you can bring peace and love back into your lives....
Take care of you, and take care of your family. It's hard work, but somehow I think your marriage is worth it. Blessings.
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reader, chris23010 +, writes (25 December 2008):
chris23010 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I respect your opinion and what made me mad about naughtygirls response was when I start to get told I am unworthy of my wife and son because I have doubts about my marriage after two years of misery and wander if I could be happier with another girl. First of al My son should of never been brought into it My wife and I are the subjects he has nothing to do with our problems. We both love him to death and will always do whatever we can to give him the most out of life.
I did however appreciate her opinions outside of that and have as she suggested stop talking to the other girl to clear my mind and allow me to focus more on trying to fix my marriage. I can take criticism and will be the first to admit I am not perfect. Ide be thrilled if my wife would get on here and rant our problem because that means for once she has talked about them. Ive beggeed her to discuss them with me I want her to tell me where I fall short and all I ever get is I have nothing to say. She agrees with me that what she is doing and how she treats me is wrong but aside from that says little more about it. THe only perfect person to walk the earth has been physically gone for thousands of years and I realize that. I cant grow as a person if I cant get her to talk to me and let me know where I need to grow Ive also tried talking to her parents and her friends to see if they can tell me what she wont and aparently she doesnt talk to any of them about it either.... I do thank you for your response diovan, I just didnt take to nasty's do to the conclusions she jumped to without knowing the majority of the story, which is sorta the nature to this site but in this instance her assumptions of what I am and what I am worthy of were kinda offensive.
I am glad however to report by the way that I think we have had a breakthrough. HEr attitude in the last week has done a total 180.....We havent been discussing our problems as we agreed to set them aside so we can both enjoy our sons first Christmas together but she has had the attitude and kindness in her I fell in love with....its a huge step and I pray she makes another and truly opens up to me next week when we start counseling and begin to work on these critical issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Chris, I'll add my 10pence if you don't mind, and if you get angry with me, like with you did with naughtygirl, I'm strong, I don't mind.
Your a very strong, intelligent, person. You work for the military and have a strong sense of responsibility, duty, wrong and right. A very srrong personality I think. Now we've only heard your side of the story, and I know in my heart, that if you wife is to come her and tell us what she thinks, then our opinion of the whole situation would change.
You've been offered the option of divorce by an anonmous concerned person, you've been told that your wife may have issues and concerns that are important to her, even if they sound stupid to you. Your thinking of pursing an old flame, a girl you used to know. To you she seems different from your wife and may offer you a chance of happiness...
I've got to be carefull now, cause I have heard how you respond to people that respond with total honesty and speak their mind, uncensored by you..
Might you have a slight control problem, might you be ignorant of all the wonderfull things your wife dose for you. Now it's only a suggestion, but watching your answers, listening to your post, makes me wonder if I could be happy living with you. Your a fine, honourable, upstanding man. You have a strong sense of right and wrong and duty. Unfornately my answer will probably irratate you, because like your wife (woman), naughtygirl (woman) we are only human...
You seem perfect, you've done nothing wrong, everything is your wife's fault, if only she could change then you would be happy. If she won't change, well, you can dump her because you have a new woman just waiting to settle down with you. Just a warning babes, I'm only human, but you sound so wonderfull, so brilliant, I'm wondering how any woman manages to live with you and keep her self confidence and her self esteem... I have a feeling that replacing your wife for another woman will not solve the problem so easily.
Recommendation: Pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr John Grey..
I've finnished now, you can tear me to peices like you did with naughtygirl, I'm ready for my telling off for disagreeing with you and asking you to consider that you may also have faults. You can start with my spelling if you want to, because I know it aint great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Chris, I am responding to say to you that I think you posted an intelligent, sincere, and clearly well thought out letter and I think I can understand where you're coming from. Judging by some of the responses here, it seems to me that some people regard marriage as something that is to be endured and suffered regardless of its circumstances. I don't take the idea of marriage lightly -- I mean, I don't think it should be considered disposable or "easy in, easy out", so to speak -- but I also do not think marriage should be seen as a lifelong punishment that a person must serve just for having chosen it. The fact is that people change and situations change, and it sounds to me like that is what has happened in your case. It's obvious to me that you are not taking this deal lightly -- you are plainly in pain about this. And let me add that since you were given the option of reenlisting, you obviously are a damn fine Marine, and that is saying something strong about you. The fact that you re-upped when you didn't really want to indicates that you are not an easy quitter. To me, everything in your letter indicates that deep down you know what you want to do. Although it would be hard and sad, I think you probably do need to consider divorce. As far as your asking how to tell your wife how you feel without being an ass, I think you could print out the posting you made here, then take it to your wife and tell her that since she can't seem to hear your words, maybe she'll be able to grasp them in writing and that you'd like her to read what you have written here. Maybe then she'll realize the full scope of your feelings and either A) make a serious attempt at counseling, or B) understand your point of view and realize you are taking action one way or another. And as for all the people here who seem to imply that once vows are taken, you should be locked in no matter what, let me say this: you do not bring honor to either your spouse, or the institution of marriage, or even God when you view that spouse or that marriage as a burden to be borne under any circumstances, no matter how dire they may be. Chris, you sound like a very decent man to me. I hope things will improve one way or another. Take care.
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reader, chris23010 +, writes (25 December 2008):
chris23010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I talk to my wife I never tell her how it needs to be, I tell her what I want ask her what she wants and try to get her to find some commongorund, my problem is she always refuses to budge from where she stands, not that she wont abandon her ideas and take on my own. I dont want a puppet but I do want someone who will work with me instead of dictating to me how things must be or else I shall feel her wrath.
And as for the other girl as I said I have only spoken with her over the phone etc I have not seen her and wouldnt do so unless we split just to keep any temptations from having any chance to push through. As I said the topic of this wasnt selected by me and is not the question at all the main problem with the girl is that she reminds me of life when I was happy which I havent been in quite some time. I have quit speaking to her as well to try and clear my head but it doesnt change that I feel I am being cheated. I give and give and get nothing in return I work my ass off in a job I hate for 10+ hours a day and she sits at home all day and I always come home to a pigsty. I do everything I am asked to do and cant get her to do hardly anything for me. I wan tto feel like she loves and wants to be with me as much as I have her for the past 2 years but the fact that I dont feel that is started to numb my feeling towards her.
She isnt all bad she can make me feel on top of the world the problem is she only choses to do so once in a blue moon and the bad time are really starting to overpower the few good oines.
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reader, chris23010 +, writes (24 December 2008):
chris23010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I thank those of you who responded, aside from naughty yall have been a real help. I guess I can understand about having high expctations due to the way I am trained/forced to live. I will try to seek counseling once again and pray she will go with me because right now I just cant seem to get her to talk to me. To answer your eddies question 2 happened when we were engaged. She had an x that she said she no longer wanted anything to do with. I day I went to get a number off of her ercent calls list and find his number in there from 1130 the night before. This kinda through up a redflag so I looked into it as we already had a familyplan for our ohones I checked the call record she had been calling him almost daily from before she told me she didnt want anything to do with him. That was a fight but I let it go, and she promises me she wont talk to this guy again(her choice not mine I dont mind her having guy friends I hate when she covers it up) She continues telling me that for a month and she even gets her number changed so her ghosts from her past cant get to her anymore. Then he calls her a month later and I ask her how he got her number since she said she wanted to change her number to keep him away from her. She swore up asnd down she didnt know so againj I looked into and hour after i got the new number for her she had sent a text message to his number....Thew third time she lied to an old boyfriend to keep from hurting him and told him our marriage was simply to get more mopney from the military as the pay more for housing when married. One of her friends told me about and I confronted her and she lied to my face. Then I checked her myspace account and seen the message for myself i showed her and she said she was trying to keep from hurting him or getting him mad at her....I chose to ignore these issues as we were young and I was head over heels but definitely still impacts me. Every time she tells me something I have the voice in the back of mind wandering is she telling the truth?I'll answer the other questions later I have to run now.
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reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (24 December 2008):
 It's quite common when someone has been married a good while to sort of drift apart a bit. It's up to both of the parties to keep that gap bridged. It isn't always easy. The easy way out though is just saying I love you but I am not in LOVE with you anymore. So then you just kinda let them go. EGADS! If that isn't like the Kiss of DEATH!
Now sometimes when this does happen and the split is done, one party or the other often find out that their feelings for one another were actually covered up by the stress, fears and obligations of the marriage. Pehaps it was because of the children, finances or the fact that as time changes people's needs and situations change. Well if you think about it, should you leave, what happens when you find yourself facing this same PERIlOUS situations again! It's much easier sometimes to take an easy way out and just go, that way you can feel strong about your decisions. However the person who can stay and work things out is FAR BETTER the STRONGEST.
Marriage takes two, LOVE takes two and if you leave your wife you aren't just leaving her, you are leaving your son. You are under alot of stress as a Marine. I am an ex of Army ATC OFFICER. We were young when he went in the military and it changed him more than you could know. I stayed because I loved him and our children. I was stressed because he was always gone. Do you know how that really feels to be left behind without the man you love? Do you know what it feels like to be trying to keep up when things are so changed for you and no one seems to understand. Your job, is your DUTY and you belong to UNCLE SAM. Your wife is possibly feeling rejected, stressed and even depressed.
Her lack of ability to keep up with housework and other things that you feel are important are probably just as important to her as you. However she isn't capable of doing things the way you like. Your job requires alot of discipline so you expect her job at home and with the child to be JUST LIKE you in some way. You don't realize this.
Being pregnant and later taking care of a small child changes hormones in the body. It can cause all sorts of mood swings. If she is depressed that is another problem. I suggest that you try to help her find the help she needs. Don't be ashamed to as my husband was. It could be the difference if she sees that you can stand behind your family as well as you can your DUTIES as A MARINE. Hon on both sides you are two young adults with duties to family and your country. Your wife is serving just like you are. I am sure she worries about the war and chances you take in training as well as the possibility that you could ship out at any given moment.
You seem to be concerned about your wife as you posted here to try to find help. I don't want you to feel blame I want tyou recognize that anything could be causing the problem that you two are having. Please try to find out what is happening and work it out. Your son needs both of you. Two years is a bit much to just throw away and you speak kindly in some ways of your way, it shows me that all hope may not be lost. You say you usually complete things you start. Don't allow yourself to give up now! Marriage is hard hon and it takes alot of work, everyday! Raising a child is hard work and can be very stressful. Duty to Armed Forces is also a hard job and can be extremely rewarding but very stressful as well.
Please work with your wife if you have any love in your heart for her. You say you do. I really hope that you can see her in that light before all the problems. It's sometimes possible to bring back those old time feelings when Love is still left in the heart. Try to think less about yourself at this moment and stand strong. Help the woman you once loved in a most special way to become the woman she probably is deep down inside. Sometimes life really messes with us and it clouds our thinking and understanding of things. I urge you to keep your family together and STAND STRONG.
Take your time hon, get counseling if you need it. Seek the help for your wife and try to recapture your love. It's not impossible you now. *Faith the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains!" I believe that you WILL be A GREAT MAN one day because you can choose to stay and be ALL YOU CAN BE as a SOILDER, HUSBAND FATHER and A MAN. I can see it in your words.
Please try to remember your vows. *For Better or Worse, In sickness and Health.*........ From reading your posts I have a feeling that you already have. 8-)
NOTHING IS TRUELY LOST UNTIL WE COMPLETELY GIVE UP!
MERRY CHRISTMAS to YOU AND YOURS!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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reader, eddie  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 Number one you are cheating on your wife. I'm referring to the discussions you're having with the other woman. If you're talking about how much you've liked each other in the past, you're stirring the pot. Do not do that before you finish what you've started.
You listed many issues with your wife that bother you. Cheating on her will not help. You know this is true. I suggest you find some professional help to deal with these issues. If you reach the point where there is no other choice, leave the marriage. Do not start another relationship yet though.
What were the situations where she was talking to old boyfriends and how did they unfold? This is an important question. Also, we're only hearing half a story but based on what you say, I don't see you as being selfish, lazy etc.
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reader, chris23010 +, writes (24 December 2008):
chris23010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and sorry to drag this on but to love honor and obey, My wife refuses and has refused to staisfy me sexually, she refuses to work with me, she treats me like dirt daily for various reason such as I have a toothache, she makes promises all the time she doesnt keep, she has been caught lieing to my face on 3 seperate occasions all three about talking to old boyfriends, and everytime she gets mad at me she tellsme she hates me and she is going to divorce me so please tell me where I am wrong to have doubts as to if this marriage is worth saving.
OK all that being said Im going to be everytime I read this post it makes me a little madder that you would seriously be so judgemntal on a situation you know very little of.....
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reader, chris23010 +, writes (24 December 2008):
chris23010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat you say is true but it doesnt seem like you understand the whole situation.
First off she hasnt had issues with herslf until recently,(she has recently gained quite a bit and is hard on herself for it) I didnt state that before, but even when she was hapopy and we were newly weds and she didnt work she failed to do anything in the house and has changed since.
Second I can understand being tired and having her depression issues now but she took a dramatic pay caut(not that she made much before) to work at home because she enjoys child care. She signed a contract to provide a clean and safe enviroment for the kid she watches(aside from the fact she constantly promises me she will do it) and she doesnt. If she got inspected she would get her certificate revoked and its not like I dont help around the house I jsut find it unbearable that I have to do all of the cleaning while she sits and watches TV.
THird, As I said before I didnt start thinking of leaving her to get with this girl. I started thinking about getting divorced a month or two prior to the time I got in contact with her again. I wouldnt leave my wife just to be with her...I realize the title is misleading but I did not write the title. My real question is after two years of her refusing to work with me and me losing the spark or coneection or whatever you like to call it should I call quits? Secondly I was asking would it be wrong to pursue a relationship with this old friend right after getting divorced.
You attack me for questioning my marriage after 2 years of constantly trying to get my wife to work with me and constantly being pushed away and having to do things her way or deal with her wrath.
I must say I am very offended by your post you dont know me yet you seem to decide I am selfish immature and unworthy of my wife and son.
Let me fill you in on what ive done for my wife in the last 2 years. I dont like life in the millitary and am sick of dodging bullets for a living. I had a chance to get out and yet I am still in a job that I have to risk life and lim because she didnt want to leave california and the only way we could afford to stay was if I re-enlisted, no job I could get would maintain the quality oflife she is use to and keep us where she wanted to be So I stayed in a job that I hate and could get me killed for a war I dont believe in. Secondly I have tried countless times to get her to do counselig go to church with me come do the service projects with me like working a soup kitchen, and have been shot down over and over again. As for my son I would do anything for him which is part of what prompted me to start thinking of divorce I gre up half my childhood with parents who did nothing but fight asnd half with divorced parentsa and believe me I prefered to notgo to sleep crying cuz mommy and daddy were yelling at each other. You really need to get your story straight before you are so quick to judge. The only immoral thing I may be doing is thinking about pursuing a relationship so right after splitting with her. I came here because I was wandering if others thought I should stick it out even though my feeling for her have changed and give her yet another chance to work with me or if they think I should just break it off and end the constant fighting andf if so if they knew any way to tell her without completly beaing an ass and just saying I dont love you anymore goodbye.
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