A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 year old. Married with a 7 year old girl child. Since last 3 years I am in love with my husband's cousin brother. This is serious. I have got caught. Facing problem with husband,still can't do without my lover. I don't know but I do not regret the affair either. My husband wants counselling. I somehow don't want it. I know what will they say. To cut long story short. I feel like moving out with this guy and settle down,but unable to do so because of my child and may be social stigma. Can somebody share their real life experiences and thought processes that tell me whether to stay or go? What are the points I should consider in either cases. I know my love in existing relationship is gone. If I were the counsellor I would have advised others to stay back it will come back kind of stuff. But knowing me that will not work for me. If I stay back,it will only be for my sense of duty and the child. Nothing else. At the same time,if I go the feeling of uncertainities of social acceptance is also bothering me. Will somebody help take me a decision?
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male
reader, karpakarajan.v.chettiar  +, writes (17 September 2011):
if you are in real love with a guy other than husband; there should be reasons;
so talk to your husband and get seperation; and live with the new guy.
beware that you are not taken for a ride by he new guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): ~Sorry, I fell asleep, who won in the end.. don't come back here to tell me, we can settle this all in pm..... my money is on Bugs because she's a woman, but I am willing to be fair and give the man a fighting chance.
Oh yea.. dear caller, your an unfaithful wife and a cheat. You either begin to try to love you husband and be faithful, or you divorce, take your child and begin a life as a honest, decent woman. Your lover has nothing to do with it. Once your divorced, once you are financial independent, once you've made a decent life for your child, then you can turn your attention to your own pleasures, and maybe contact your lover. Your a mother first, an honourable woman second, a faithful wife third, and only after all these things have been sorted out, can you be a true partner and helpmate to your lover. A woman who runs from man to man dragging her child behind her is a very sad sight, and damages the child she claims to love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): I am tired of all your lies.This is a relationship site.Someone else's sister's and mom's problem is MY business.
I am off this thread.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Mrs.Bugs, you assume that I am saying this only becoz I know I wont be subjected to it myself. You can assume that becoz it is possible for a person to lie like that. But how can I prove myself to you? I have no way. You see open relationships as animal stuff. I see from a different point of view. I think the need for monogamy is there becoz of jealousy and possessiveness. If we are free from jealousy and possessiveness.. we can be in an open relationship without having a problem. Am I free from jealousy and possessiveness? I hope so. I am not sure but I will strive to be a guy free from jealousy and possessiveness becoz I believe that is the ideal. If my wife wants an open relationship I wont have a problem with it... becoz I let my head rule over my heart and its silly irrational feelings. What my mom and sister choose is not my business. What someone else's mom and sister choose is not that someone else's business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): When a person is well fed,its easy to sympathise with the hungry.Only when the person is hungry he will know the real meaning of hunger.
Your sister,mother or wife may never do it.So you are advocating open relationships.What goes around comes around John Doe.
I have a question.Will you be comfortable if your wife has an open relationship.Your mom will praobably arrange a marriage for you with the epitome of Indian virtue.Again you will sit comfortably and say I am all for open relationships.
All I am saying is the people who you are advocating open relationships are for are some one else's mom and sister too.
The cultures may differ but I have realized people all over the world think alike in many ways.The women from other countries want to be cherished and loved too.Not to be seen as just a body for a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): You are right Mrs.Bugs. My sister wont go for that. I am only talking about a hypothetical sister who might do it and what will be my judgement in such a scenario becoz you asked "what if it is your sister?" If you think I am giving the world a wrong picture of tamil culture, sorry.. I am not here to represent my culture. I am here to give answers based on my reasoning which may differ from my culture's ideas. If people think this is what tamil culture would be like based on what I am saying, then it is their mistake. I never said "In tamil culture open relationships are welcome." I stated my personal belief that open relationships would be there in an ideal society... that is all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): You are doing it again.Your sster is not going to want a open relationship.Your mom wouldn't have brought her up that way.You claim your mom is a strict Tamil Christian.I get the picture very clearly.So far you have hypocrisy,name calling to your list of attributes.Now lies too...Hmmm.
At least you accept that you are not rational.I agree on that wholeheartedly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Mrs.Bugs Sorry if I didnt make myself clear. I meant I will never judge my sister based on "my feelings." If open relationship is what she wants, so be it. I will keep my feelings to myself becoz I know they are not rational.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is What I call Hypocrisy.You don't want your sister to have an open relationship.But you will still go on to say that in an ideal society there will be open relationships.
I am from TamilNadu myself.Its such a conservative state.The rest of the world may not know it but Tamilians kill or die for honor.Your sister is definitely not going to have an open relationship.You are trying to fool the rest of the world John Doe,not me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Ok Mrs.Bugs :) You think my one sentence there to be a debate? Honestly I didnt see your reply here where you said you are avoiding me like a plague, before posting that there. If I had seen this first, I wouldnt have posted it there. I couldnt delete my post after posting it.
So you assumed that I dont have an answer to your question becoz I said I dont want to start a debate. OK I will do it for one last time. You ask, what if it is ur sister? I will definitely be uncomfortable with my sister having an open relationship. Why? Society has influenced my feelings like that. Ask any guy from my place if he is comfortable thinking that his parents had sex and that was how he was brought into this world. No guy would be comfortable thinking about it. Does it make it wrong for parents to have sex? On the other hand a western guy may even joke about his parents having sex, when talking to his friends. A friend of me was in love with a girl but he didnt like the fact that a guy was showing interest in his sister... not becoz he thought the guy was bad... just becoz he was not comfortable with his sister being in love. Our feelings are so confused like this. Our feelings are not logical at all. When I try to reason, I dont let my feelings interfere with my line of reasoning. So just becoz I am not comfortable with my sister having an open relationship, can I say it is wrong for her to do that if she chooses so? I think No.. I cant say that. When I reply a question here, I cant afford to let my feelings dictate my reasoning. I can only rely on logic otherwise my reply would be a biased one. So yea.. in an ideal society many (not all) people would be having open relationships becoz there wont be silly feelings influenced by silly views of society.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Sorry guys!
My sentence should have read as "I know you couldn't argue with me here as I understand Tamil guys very well."
John Doe I know exactly how you think.You are the average Indian Male that I see daily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Its Mrs.Bugs for you.You acted very suave here and attacked me in the other thread.
For people who think he is so cool that he doesn't disagree or start any debates here he lashes on at all the ladies who want romance.You hit below the belt John Doe.From now on no avoiding you.I know you couldn't argue with you here as I understanf Tamil guys very well.Got peeved because you couldn't refute me.You definitely wouldn't want your mom to have an open relationship.The hypocrisy of it all.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-pleasure-a-girl-without-having-sex.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Wow Miss.Bugs, I didnt intend to start a debate. We can agree to disagree always :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Ah Mr.John Doe,
The guy who believes that in an ideal society there are open relationships.If I were to ask you if your mother or sister or probably your wife were to have open relationships or any guy looked at your mother or sister or wife and said ,"I want to have an open relationship with you",how cool would you be?
I had a very sheltered upbringing.After joining dear cupid I learnt about open relationships. My definition of an open relationship is "You go **** any one you want and I go **** anyone I want".I don't believe in animal sex Mr.John Doe.
Even after reading your views on a paedophile I never argued with you.I have been avoiding you like the plague.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/father-in-law-claims-fatal-attraction-between-him.html
You are the sort of guy I absolutely abhor.
After reading the above answer my ratings may go down,my account can be deleted or I may be banned.I still stand up for what I believe in.After reading your answers in the above link,if you think I am going to discuss about the character traits of a potential pedophile with you,gotta be kidding right?
I am not here for ratings or to become a favorite aunt.I am here to help people.I love rcn's answers.I wanted to give him a full picture.That's why I gave him the link to the old answer.I didn't mean to debate with him.Him and most of the aunts I like think alike.We both don't.If you want a debate you are not going to get it from me.I am straight forward,innocent and frank.Let me finish it off by saying you are the sort of guy who my mom warned me about.I did well Mr.John Doe.I judge quite well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Bugs, you have a keen mind in connecting this post to that other post by that 48 year old guy. I dont agree with your speculation that the guy may next target the daughter. Recently I had an argument with a girl. She suggested that a guy who watches porn may do something bad to his own daughter. You cant connect both behaviour. There are a lot of guys who watch porn. There are a small number of guys who molest their daughters. Both things are not related (unless the porn is particularly about kids or incest) I think the same applies here. This guy has as much chance as any other guy to do something to OP's daughter IMO.
To the OP.. I think the daughter is most important here. If a 13 year old girl consented to sex people would say "She is not old enough to know what she is doing. She doesnt have the maturity" but when it comes to divorce I see most people saying "Kids are smarter than we know. They can handle it." I think handling sex would come more naturally than handling your parents' separation. Anyways you are saying your daughter is smart enough to find something wrong between you and your husband. Then you have to act well.. atleast for your daughter.. atleast until she grows up. You try to be a good mom. Dont fight or argue with your husband before her. Make it the number one priority of your life to make a happy home for your daughter. You should be worrying more about your daughter than social acceptance. If you think your daughter can handle it, stop caring about society and do what you want to do. If your daughter can handle it, you surely can handle society.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hey Diovan,
you are right on target again.
In the earlier post,the lady was not willing to leave her husband.Suddenly the entire story is changing.
What do I know?May be its her and she's changed her mind.
If its a "her"
In an Indian society think of the repercussions your actions will bring on that girl child of yours.She didn't do any thing wrong in all this.If I were you I wouldn't trust that 48 year old guy at all.You are his cousin brother's wife.He didn't respect that didn't he?He may be a saint but I still wouldn't trust him around my daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I understand bugs, but it's the way it's worded. Usually women say "I don't want to hurt my family or my husband", women say, "my son will miss his father", or "I hate to break up my marriage", "my husband's been good to me, but I don't love him"... maybe it's a cultural thing, but it's just not how I normally see a woman talking about such things..
What's this "social acceptance" thing? Where is talk of what the friends and family will say? Just strange that's all.. The post talks about "social acceptance", but there are no friends, family or neighbours involved... just very unusual, but I may be wrong.
PS: How come this lady shows no guilt about what she has done. Where is the regret for a marriage gone bad, she loved her husband once, but there is no mention of his feelings in any of this, or the fact that her lover is somebody in the family. What about her child, who is family to her husbands, cousin brother, where will the child go to school, how will she explain it to the child....
Dear caller, you need to go to marriage counselling with your husband, you haven't thought things through. If your marriage is truly finished, they will help you to work out a way to leave in the best possible way, so nobody, including your child or your husband gets hurt badly by all of this. Marriage counsellors can also help couples who are no longer in love to divorce in the nicest way possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): "Honor shouldn't be applied to men but also to women."It can be a man's or woman's line.
Its a Uni sex line.I am getting the hang of this thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I can see what you mean bugs, so off the sentiments and words used are very strange for a woman...
You refuse to go counselling because you know what they will say. Well how do you know, have you ever trained in counselling. Counsellors don't tell you what to do or what to think, they help you to understand the position you are in and help you to make the best choice for your particular circumstances.
Like bugs, I find you a funny type of woman. If I didn't know better I could swear these are the sentences of a 48year old man.. But I could be wrong, I often am.
Stay for a sense of duty and because of your child.... mmmm.. strange words, I always thought that was a man's line.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I honestly don't think a woman wrote this post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hi rcn,
I respect your views a lot.I just thought you should read this link before answering this question.I think its the same guy who is asking this question.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-husband-knows-about-us-and-she-still.html
I may be wrong but if its the woman who is asking this question,you are so lucky to have a husband who still wants to live with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): rcn
thanx. The person concerned is 48 yr old. We live in different cities. Lust has never been the issue. At this age I would have understood that. I can stay like this.But is it proper thing to do? Doesn't that amount to emotional cheating? The children are smart.They understand the gap in relationship. Which one would she prefer?-that her mother didn't cheat on her father and mistreated him emotionally by staying in the marriage OR that the mother sacrificed her own emotional well being for the daughter?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 First understand that sex is a physical act. It is not love, although people who are in love have sex, the act itself is completely separate. Quite often people confuse lust or physical contact with love.
My definition of "true" love is "The choice to love without any return expectation." It's unconditional, and carries no restrictions. So quickly people end a relationship to trade up, then a short time later repeat the cycle. When seeing that, we can assume they supplement something they are missing, and the other person gives them for love.
In making your decision, also consider, your daughter is going to learn from you how to interact socially, and how to have a relationship. What do you want your child to learn?
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