A
female
age
51-59,
*uicebags
writes:I am considering leaving our marriage but we have a 16 month old so I need to feel I have exhausted all options. We have been together 8 years now. In that time my husband has always done 'odd' stuff. I put it down to stress related to work, or after a 'heavy' night out. For the past 3 years though, his behaviour has become more erratic with lots of small things which don't seem quite right. He has shouted at complete strangers, doesn't answer the phone at home, gets moody and grumpy if I suggest having friends over to the house (I'm very sociable and see this as a huge compromise I am having to make in our marriage). When I was pregnant, he tutted if I asked him to rub my aching back. In the last year though, he started self-harming and I now understand, since I visited a psychologist myself to ask them questions about his behaviour, to be a personality disorder and/or depression which may have been triggered by family issues from the past.We haven't had sex for nearly a year as I feel like I live with a moody teenager, not a mature, sexy, father of my child, although I still love him. I went to see the psychologist as my husband didn't think we/he had any problems. He has since been seeing (he agreed when I told him I was considering leaving him) a psychiatrist who recommended CBT, but I know in my heart of hearts that it won't be enough. So, what do I do now? I am scared to start out alone as a single mum, and when all assets are divided, I would probably have to put our son in to child care and go back to work. Going to work doesn't bother me at all (I could do with some personal space too), but at the moment, I am a stay at home mum so my child has that huge benefit and security of mum being around. We also don't live in the UK at the moment, so I feel it would be unfair to take our son to another country whilst dad continues to earn for the family in another part of the world - without seeing his son. My decision will have a direct impact on my husband's career...If anyone has been through similar experience, please help. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 October 2007):
 Just a remind also when making your decision. You didn't mention where your son was born, but I'll use the U.S. as an example. The Law here is a child born in this country becomes a natural citizen of the United States. Also moving can be difficult in setting up custody. If the child lived here for 6 months or longer, jurisdiction for custody remains in the state where you live. You may be asked to return where you live now to handle custody issues.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): And do report back, hon, anytime. We really do care. We are not all "professionals", but we have some pretty smart people here. Sometimes, just a place to talk is good to have. Sincere best wishes. Tom
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A
female
reader, Juicebags +, writes (26 October 2007):
Juicebags is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your advice. It's a really difficult situation to be in and I am still not sure what to do. I think I have made my mind up, but will wait until dh has completed his sessions before doing anything. Thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Over my head, rcn, but I would just say to Juice, if you still really care for him, stay with him through these treatments. The fact that he is doing it is a big indicator that he knows he has a problem. If he has never been violent with you or the child, and you have no fears that way, try and hang in there for a while. Good things could come from the treatments/therapy. It is worth the try. Best wishes, Tom
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 October 2007):
I've done so much research on personality disorders. My ex was BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) They made some movies after this one such as "Fatal Attraction" and "Hand that rocks the cradle"
Generally behavior training assists in re-teaching the proper way to cope with this disorder. I urge you to look at an alternative method as well. It's called NLP (Neuro-Linguistics Programming). Sounds rough, but it really isn't. You've heard of hypnosis, and probably have seen some shows and laughed when people do weird things. I know I've cracked up a few times. NLP is not hypnosis, because your accessing the subconscious while they are still in their conscious state of mind, instead of a trance like state.
You mentioned events that happened during childhood. What this method does it brings the events from the subconscious to the conscious. At that time the pictures of the even can be changed or altered, and at times eliminated. After they are changed or altered, they are then re-filed in the subconscious, therefore eliminated or lowering the effect of the disorder they caused.
What happens to the pain that caused this. When we experience pain, we know how to cope with it, and most of the time eliminate it. Traumatic forms of pain aren't processed the same. It sits and festers, while it's doing that it begins to grow. The disorder is caused when the pain becomes large enough that it begins poking into the conscious from the subconscious.
Anyway, I wish you luck. Remember any decision you make, you have a child's best interest to put in front of desire.
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A
male
reader, Trax +, writes (15 October 2007):
 personally if you really do love him i say to try to help him through his issues, but if he hints at harming you or the child you need to leave him immediately... and if hes hurting himself try to put a stop to that too...
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