A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I would like to know how other people feel about their husbands displaying pictures of their ex-wives in their new home with their new partner? My boyfriend and I are moving in to a new place together next month. He currently displays photographs of his wife in his living room and his child's bedroom in his own place. I think just in the child's bedroom will be more appropriate when we move in together but I'm not sure how the child will react. If the child, who is 6, is unhappy without pictures of his mom around the rest of the house should I rather just have the pictures he wants where he wants them?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 What does your BF think? Have you talked to him about it or are you just trying to prepare yourself for a "battle" of the ex-wife pictures?
Since you are moving into a new place together (not into his) I think it's totally fine to ask that the pictures of the ex-wife/mom stays i nth child's bedroom, I honestly can't see why your BF would want to look at his ex-wife on a daily basis around the house.
Talk to him. See what he thinks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): You are moving into a new place, it isn't like you are moving into their existing home & taking down pictures. I see nothing wrong with the pictures being in the bedroom. You aren't trying to take anything away from the child. I assume she is still alive and they see each other. Buy pretty frames that match the bedroom colors and let him/her decorate their whole bedroom wall anyway they want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I'm sorry, but I disagree. In the kids room, yes, but the living room has a new family now. You have to respect the mother of his child, and allow them to have a relationship for the child, but you shouldn't have to look at her everyday. I wouldn't put up with it.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Picking up on what iAmHere says, I'd be more concerned that you write she's his wife and not ex wife. Was that a typo? Ex-wife with a few photos up is different to wife with photos up.
Not to brush your valid question about the child aside, but just checking this is A-OK for you before you take the big step of moving in together ....
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 September 2013):
I'm sorry but your are moving into your partners home AND his child's home. Those pictures were placed there long before you came along. The child in this picture doesn't need the household totally disrupted to suit your needs. Don't you think it will take some time for the child to get use to YOU and YOUR things?Your partner is divorced. He is no longer with his wife. Does it bother you that much to have a couple of pictures of her around the house? She did play an important part in his life but he has moved on. I don't really think he wants the pictures either but he does it out of love for his child. I think it is important for the child to know that her/his parents still RESPECT each other. I think you need to become part of the homes new routine. You can remove those pictures in time. You just might be surprised, he just might do it himself. There are little feelings to consider, not bow down to but consider how they feel. Good Luck
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Here's the easy and justifiable way to handle this.....
Tell the kid that he/she can have pics of his/her Mother IN HIS/HER ROOM.....
BUT!!!! ... that there can be NO pictures of that woman elsewhere in the house... since she is a WITCH and will bring bad vibrations upon anyone who so much as LOOKS at her pictures in any other room..... (that assumes that you CAN take a picture of her.... as, I believe that it's not possible to take pictures of a witch!!!!).....
Good luck... Sounds like your new arrangement is going "swimmingly"......
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2013):
 so you are not moving into his home but rather you two are building your own home together now....
IF you were moving into his ESTABLISHED home I can see having to live with the pictures as they are but since you are CREATING A NEW HOME then I think limiting the pictures to the child's bedroom would be fine... (and I'm a divorced mom who divorced when the kids were quite young). WE never had pictures of their dad in our home... but then they saw him regularly. He never had pictures of me in his home but they saw me regularly too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Seems like I am in the minority view here. Of course the child's feelings should be deferred to. It is my argument that the feelings of the adults should be taken into account too, and that the child *probably does not care* nearly as much as everyone seems to think he would. I just remembered an incident from when I was 4 or 5, a year after my parents divorced, when I pulled out an old album and looked through photos of myself as a baby. Hmmmm. Seems like Dad disappeared from the album. Actually, it looks like Mom cut him out. Why would she do that? ....oh, he was always mean and they divorced, Mom doesn't want to look at him anymore. That's fine. That was the extent of my reaction. I seriously did not give two shits. Out of all the things about my childhood that DID traumatize me, that was definitely not one of them. Of course, all children are different, and if this one has screaming fits when Mom isn't in the living room anymore, by all means, put her back. I just think the aunts and uncles here are making the OP out to be a careless monster when I really think that is not the case.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2013):
 In short : yes, you should rather etc.
No need to make the child unhappy or uncomfortable , or to antagonize him over his mom's picture. You don't need to feel so threatened by a picture,do you ?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 September 2013):
I think given that it's only in the living room and child's bedroom, it's not really an issue. It would be if they were everywhere in the house that it would become an issue. You'll probably find this is for the child's sake, and not his. Let this one go for now, otherwise you'll end up in a battle with him over something he does for his child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): To WiseOwlE, I think this is a selfish thing, but it's an OKAY selfish thing. I don't think she's trying to erase the fact that mom ever existed or is mom, she's just trying to establish herself as her honey's right and proper lady. I am in an IDENTICAL situation. The child is even six years old. Truly, he doesn't grasp the entire concept of divorce, but he understood enough to know that there was mom's house and there was dad's house, and they weren't going to all hang out together as a family anymore, and mom and dad may get new partners at some point. We have worked really hard to make our own family unit a wonderful, affirming, and fun place to be, and it works. He thrives. He has gone through some tough times as he processed the divorce, just not understanding why he has to be shuffled around every week, and sadly we can't change that -- but we can create all the love we can while he's here. He knows his mom exists. I know his mom exists. My fiance definitely knows his mom exists. We talk about what he does at mom's, we don't shy away from her in conversation if the little guy brings it up, and we try to make his world as seamless as it can be in the circumstances. That does not include photos of her. It would be downright weird if we had photos of her here, on display. Like I said, we can pull out albums of his babyhood, and I have personally gone through these with him and laughed over the pictures, most containing her. Let me tell you, he is not remotely traumatized. He is fine, fine, as fine as any six-year-old ever was with two homes. The photo thing didn't even register, once. He doesn't care. Yes, the child does come first...but this woman's feelings are not COMPLETELY nullified because there is a child in the mix. She is a person too, and presumably her boyfriend likes the person she is if he is moving in with her. Presumably he would listen. All she can say is, "Hey, this makes me uncomfortable and I feel like it isn't OUR home," she cannot demand, give ultimatums, or otherwise be a bitch, but it is NORMAL and HEALTHY to express one's feelings to one's lover. He could decline to take down the photo for the child's mental health, if this particular child really really cares.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): I think that would be a perfectly reasonable question to ask. After all, you're starting a family with him, and she (while she will always be a type of family because she had a child with him) is not part of YOUR family unit as it will stand once you merge households. The only thing is, does the child see his mom on a weekly basis? If he does, I see no reason to have photos of her at all. It's not like he's going to forget what she looks like in three days. And if he's so attached to her that he sobs when he can't either see her in person or in a photo...well, you have bigger problems than the photographs! If he doesn't see her on a regular basis, then I would definitely have a photo of her beside his bed. I still see no reason to have a photo of her in common areas. You can definitely bring it up with your boyfriend, always in a casual, non-bitchy tone. Just say that it would make you more comfortable merging with him as a family when you don't have reminders of her all over the place. That you would prefer your joint house not contain the photos. Personally, I can't see a reasonable man reacting poorly to that. He must understand that she is an ex, after all, and he must be moving in with you because he genuinely wants to and sees you as his partner. You could also frame a photo of you two and put it in place of the ex's photo...or the three of you as a family, since that wouldn't be leaving out the child. I met my man just days after his ex moved out of his house (that's a different story). He had already removed all photographic representation of her from display, although we do keep an album of his son's early life that includes photos of her. We'll pull it down to look through it with his son every so often, and talk about all the photos, including the ones of her. She is and always will be a part of my fiance's life because she is their son's mother. You can't change that fact, but you can change the level of presence she still has in your household.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): When there is a young child around, sorry, the child's feelings come first.
A six year-old doesn't understand the undertones and negative circumstances leading up to a divorce, or separation between parents. All they know is the pain they experienced because of it.
If you were a new spouse, there would be no problem in negotiating where pictures are displayed. For the child's sake; evidence of his mom has to be displayed to give him or her; the feeling of a truce, and good-will between parents where their concerned. As far as the child knows, they have "two parents."
Surely you can understand, if you would put yourself in the child's shoes.
A new lady comes in and removes evidence of my mother!!?
Surely, a way to make that child dislike you. In comes the girlfriend, out-goes mommies picture?
Seriously!?
Not to jinx you or anything, there is no guarantee that you are a fixture in your boyfriend's life; but that child's mom is for life. A teen would speak for themselves. They'd tell you to go bleep yourself in no uncertain terms.
So just wait until the child is old enough to deal with your sudden intrusion; which in itself, will take some time to digest.
You come off a bit selfish.
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