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writes: My boyfriend wants me back. We were together 3 years, unhappy for one. I met someone else who makes me laugh and can give me support, but I'm always asking What If? What if I took my ex back? Please help, I'm very confused, and the stress is making me ill.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2006): I have to respond to this one!!!
DO NOT go back to your ex. You have someone now who makes you happy and you have a chance at a fresh new start armed with the lessons you learned from the mistakes you and your ex made in your relationship.
Do NOT take him back. The reasons for the breakup are always going to be there and by taking him back, you're going to hurt the one you're with for no good reason! Not only that, but I'd be willing to bet that he wasn't interested in taking you back until he found out you were with someone else.
This happened to me. My boyfriend and I were together for 2 months and happy as can be. The relationship seemed so full of promise and we were great together. I knew of his past relationship and how long they were together, but thought he was ready to move on. She had even written a letter telling him she no longer felt anything for him and he could move on. Well, apparently, once she found out he actually HAD moved on, she changed her tune pretty quickly. She all of the sudden wanted him back, So .. to make a long story short, he left me to go back to her.
This left me totally confused since, according to him, it wasn't a very happy relationship.
But nevertheless, he went back because he "still had feelings" for her. Although it had only been a short time, my heart sank to my feet and I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach when he broke the news that he and his ex had decided to "work things out."
I was confused, hurt and bewildered as to why he would leave a happy relationship so full of promise to go back in time to her.
Now, however, he's finding out that it's not what he thought it would be. Sometimes people think that, just because they have a past with someone that it will guarantee a future.
I say move on, the one you're with now makes you happy and he does not deserve to be dumped for an ex.
If you are still carrying the torch for your ex and you feel you need time to figure it out, might I suggest you do that ALONE!! I'm sure your new man will understand if you just be forthright and honest about how you feel about him and your ex and will give you the time you need to figure it out.
When you have a long relationship with someone, there will always be lingering feelings, but don't mistake them for anything more than that. Let the lingering feelings fade with time and if you need time to think it over, let your new man know what is going on so he's not blindsided like I was.
But always remember. An ex is an EX for a reason!
A
reader, Your big sis +, writes (8 June 2005):
 Honey, your ex had his chance and he blew it right? Well, how do you know this new guy in your life will blow his? You won't know unless you give your new guy a chance. Stop thinking about the what-ifs. The what-ifs are so petty because you know enough about your ex-boyfriend to realize you had to get outta there. So tell your ex to leave you alone, he had his chance. And smile at the possibilities in front of you. (smile!)
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reader, rabbit +, writes (8 June 2005):
I am probably the worst person to reply to this, ( I just posted a VERY VERY similar situation about 2minutes before)My perspective as a guy:It would depend on the reason why there was a breakup in the first place, was it a trust issue, broken trust, things that got you annoyed at him or him at you. Depending on the situation there could be some remedy.*If it was a broken trust, ie. he lied/stole/cheated; then the answer is simple.No, no matter how much you promise it will never happen again, it is always possible that something might come along, and the temptation is too hard to resist.*If it's a trust problem, ie, either one of you is not 100% trusting of the relationship, it's best to get it out into the open and talk it through. Perhaps you or he, can't commit to a 100% trusting relationship, consider the level of trust you have for each other.*If the breakup was over silly things or things that either of you got annoyed at; then providing that you both get it all out BEFORE you resume any relationships, then it is possible to patch up the relationship, although you might want to make sure you make it clear that the relationship will be on your terms and not his (since he is asking you back). - If there are future fights or arguements (which is bound to happen occasionally), do throw away the relationship just because they ARE on your terms. (take some time off, 3days or longer if you feel really angry)*****BUT!!!!!! It's also important for you to have a good life, and not get held back by past problems.This is what I would do:Assuming that the breakup wasn't because of the "bad factors" (lying, cheatung, stealing etc).Give the guy some hope, don't commit to everything, just tell him straight up that you've found someone who you have taken a liking to, but also let him know that you FORGIVE HIM for what he's done to you.If you tell him you forgive him, I personally think it WILL restore at least SOME of his self-esteem.Let him know you want to see how your new relationship turns out, and (I know no one likes to think of the negatives)*IF* your new relationship fails, you might need someone to talk to and a good shoulder to cry on.If he is genuine about wanting you back (more importantly; if he really does love you), he will let you go and wish you all the best with you new relationship and be happy for you. (just don't cut him off completely, remain friends)This way, you are not leading him on with a false promise, and you can remain as good friends (even if nothing may come of it).He will definately appreciate your thoughts of him and it will be entirely up to him whether he chooses to wait around and just be a good companion or if he chooses to move on.From personal experience; I was together for close to 8 months (not long compared with yours, but the situation is similar), and I broke up my relationship because I thought it was all her fault for being too nagging, I have since found out that my work played an ENORMOUS factor and I had infact completely shut her (and all my other friends out of my life for nearly a year), our relationship suffered the most.I have told her, although it may have freaked her out a little, that I will remain single and wait for her, but I definately made it clear that I wanted to wish her well with her new relationship of 2 months.The day I broke up with her, she told me that she would remain single and die a hermit without me.To her credit, she WAITED FOR ME close to a full year before she decided to try a new relationship.She cannot be faulted at all, and I value her as one of my closest and definately MOST LOYAL friends.I didn't cry when I broke up, but I'm sobbing now as I type out a response for you.I hope I have helped, or at least given you SOME insight to what a male thinks of the situation.and to my love out there, I hope you read this!She will know me when I say this has been written by her Bunny Rabbit.
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