A
male
age
41-50,
*enny boy
writes:Hi, I have been seeing my girlfriend now for about 9 months, when we 1st met, she blew me away- nice personality, beautiful looks, a great smile and a lovely body. She has just started using the pill, I said I would use condoms but she wants to use the pill. The problem is, she said that when she was on it a couple of years ago with her last boyfriend, she went fat. She also eats alot (more than me) and tells me how much she's eaten and laughs about it like it's funny and I'm going to be impressed in some kind of way. I dont find it funny because I am worried that her beautiful looks are going to go down the toilet but dont know which way to aproach the situation. I know alot of people that are going to say or think 'looks dont matter' but I think they do and it would be a waste to ruin her's by eating too much and using the pill. Please help with your advice.
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (17 January 2008):
I know what you must be thinking.I felt a similar inclination when my girlfriend began to lose weight when she's diagnosed with aneamia.I honestly like big hiptous ladies but i tried exercising patience and i still see her as the beautiful person she is.Tell her what your fears are but know that it may not happen that way.
Take care
Good luck.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Although I can see the superficiality in your concern, i think the anonymous person (third from the bottom) has an interesting perspective on what's going on. I know my bf has said things like he wants to see me care for myself, not necessarily through exercise, but he's said that he appreciates it when i do make an effort to look nice, because it shows that you respect your partner and that s/he's deserving of your best in all ways to an extent. i've boasted about how much i've eaten to men both for assurance (that it's not so much) and as a way to bond, you know, being like one of the guys, so she may be trying to validate herself in your eyes. Your best bet is to frame things in a way that you're concerned for her health when she eats so much, just say you're nervous when she says she has X to eat, but I think you have to prepare for the fact that you'll face resistance in trying to manage another person's body, and frankly I don't see you in the right in that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): If you do love this girl, you might want to reconsider your priorities and think about whether you care as much about her well-being and happiness, as you care about the size of her hips or thighs.
Now...all that said, you know you cannot possibly control her eating or the fact she wants to take the pill. But you can encourage some very healthy eating and exercise behaviors in her by doing all this with her– by planning and going on dates where you park as far away as possible, from the movie theatre and you walk. In fact, I encourage you both to 'walk' everywhere. Get out and dance the night away at your favorite nightclub, join a local club/gym or sporting group just for fun, hike/walk/jog on trails on the weekends. Go bike riding, rollerblading. Rather than telling her you don't want her to get fat, try to be a wonderful health and fitness role model, by encouraging her to do these things 'with you'...as a couple. Don't tell her that you are doing these things to keep her thin, please try saying that you want the two of you to have a healthy lifestyle together, as a couple. And don't forget, this is a mutual, mature relationship. So..you do your bit to keep emotionally nurturing this relationship Good luck and stay healthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Ok, I am on the posters side with this one, and I am female. If I am not attracted to someone to start with its not going to work; I have tried it and it just ends badly! However if you are with someone and their looks start to fade because of age, an accident, or something else out of their control you should still be with them, otherwise you never really loved them.
Although I agree with some of the other posters that there is more to this than just looks. It seems like she doesnt care about her health, which you can't change if she doesnt want to. You could try suggesting going to the gym or playing a sport together. But you would have to preface it as though it would be a way for you guys to spend quality time together. And maybe from that she will start to feel better, and pick up the habit.
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A
female
reader, hugs2muchgal +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Personally I think you shouldn't worry about her. If this girl is in good shape now it's probabaly because she excercises already and has a good metabolism. So what if the pill made her heavier before? That doesn't mean it'll happen again.
Some women gain weight, some actually end up losing a lot of weight, and for some nothing happens. So, if you're worried about her shape, instead of hurting her feelings, make dates suggestions for things like hiking, biking, going for walks etc. Those can be fun bonding things, help her keep her body, and get you into shape as well (and if you already are, keep you there).
About her talking about her eating habits. More than likely she exaggerates. I know ALOT of skinny girls who eat alot and brag about it either from insecurity trying to convince people they are not anorexic and just happen to be skinny or two, they are unhealthy and trying to hide it. So don't let what she says get to you.
If you love this woman be happy she is getting the pill to protect you both from unwanted circumstances.
-Good Luck,
Hugs
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Hmm you don't want people to say 'looks don't matter?' That's my answer out then...
I suppose the way to approach it would be to talk to her about it. Most girls would hope that you would love them despite the fact that their looks may go a bit haywire but if this isn't the case for you then you'll have to explain your reasoning to her or deal with the consequences of her taking the pill. To be honest though, it doesn't look like a good outcome eitherway.
If you tell her what you're worried about it can go one of two ways (as im sure you know) she'll either be upset about it or she'll accept it and take care of her eating habbits while on the pill.
If you don't tell her and you don't 'love' her anymore if she gains weight or loses her attractive looks, then you'll break up with her or ask her to get back into shape.. leading back to the previous point that she'll either be upset or do something about it.
If she wasn't as good looking, would you stop 'loving' her? Or would you still love her but feel less attracted physically? Think about how you really feel and do what's best.
This is a hard one. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): you are shallow, dont approach this. its hurtful and offensive, she may or may not get 'fat', but that neither here nor there, if you love her you would look past that. is her beautiful personality also goin down the toilet? and just cos someone puts on a few doesnt mean they automatically turn ugly. im sorry but grow up and stop being so shallow
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): well, me personally would say looks dont mater but as you have made that point and sometimes it does mater i'll tell you how i'd personaly want to be aproached. If that was me, i think i'd just want you to be upfront ( in a nice way of corse) just tell her that shes the most beautiful woman you have ever met( or something long those lines) and you wouldn't want her to look any diffrent you love her the way she is!
And now You Can Get an injection in your arm whcih if she would be happier doing is quite useful however it can last upto 5 years contrception which she may not be happy doing! The ony side effect is you may get a dead arm once in a while and i have heard Good things about it!
Good Luck
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I actually understand to some extent because I too like to be with boys who take care of themselves and care about being healthy and being in shape. That is important to me too. I got to say though that if I truly loved someone that put on weight, (which has happened to a bf of mine) I would still love them. Love is love.
I will say though that I think what really seems to bother you is the fact that she is acting so nonchalant about her eating habits. Obviously you want to be with someone who takes their eating habits more seriously and all the joking about it is making you uncomfortable. Maybe you just fear that she doesn't really care alot about her appearance and she is the type who will let herself go and think its funny and not care. So to some extent I totally understand where you are coming from. Its more like her personality is scaring you a bit.
Cause if I was dating someone that gained weight because of medication or whatever but showed that they cared about being in shape and looking good, and were working hard to get their shape back then that is one thing I could tolerate. But if I were with someone who gained weight and acted like they didn't care, then I might feel like you do. So maybe it is more her attitude than it is the fact that she may gain weight or not. I hope that's what it is.
But if its simply that you will only love her when she looks good then you are superficial. I mean what if one day she got pregnant. She is going to gain weight. Are you going to stop loving her? If your answer is yes, then you don't really love her.
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A
female
reader, soldierred +, writes (16 January 2008):
 well honestly I have been on several pill they effect every one different, I understand her need for secure BC. Though you might discuss with her trying a different contraceptive, I don't know how athletic you all are or if you like to work out but suggest going to the gym together.Its a great motivater for both of you.
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A
male
reader, aftamath96 +, writes (16 January 2008):
hey,
1. I think that if you truly love this girl how she looked wouldnt matter. Dont get me wrong looks are important but the longer your with someone how they look becomes less and less important and you should grow to love her for the person she is not how she looks. If your girfreind is eating to much and this is concering you due to health reasons fair enough, but if you cant love her how ever she looks, then i belive you cant love her that much.
2. how to tell her how you feel? Just be honest and str8 to the point, tell her your concerns(but be carfull when saying "i dont want you to lose your good looks" cos this could cause serious problems) Think friend, if she has done this before and put on loads of weight maybe their is an underlying problem or in-security, maybe when she is telling you how much she has eaten, and has a joke about it, she is crying out for help and doesnt knw how to ask. Maybe behind her smile, nice body and good looks she is insecure and needs your help
I think : offer it to her
All the best Gaz
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