A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The difficulty I have is that I am infatuated with a woman at work and I’m married. I seem to have been up and down this problem and whenever I seem to have a new understanding of where I am I fall down a snake and I am at square one again. What I mean is that whenever she is not around I am happily working away but when she is around I cannot think straight and go thru highs and lows of expectation and rejection and so on. I wish I had a switch in order to turn off such helter-skelter feelings but there seems to be nothing I can do about it. How would you cope with such a situation in order just to be happy working with your colleagues and without seeing this woman as special?
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female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (14 August 2014):
I'm the married woman who's attracted to a co-worker but since I'm such a workaholic, I find that focusing on my work and listening to music helps me ignore his presence but when he is nearby, I feel like I give away all the signals that I am smitten over him. Part of me worries but another part wants him to realize that. I will not go into details of my story but all I can say is having him to talk to, tease with, appreciate me, and having his attention (whether scarce or not) has made my life worth living again and brought back laughter in my life. I've been miserable before he came along, I married hoping to right what was wrong but my gut knew I did not love my husband enough and part of me was saying I shouldn't have married. So far what I have decided to do: enjoy his company as decently as possible at work and continue to look for a job as an exit plan. Whether to leave my husband or not, I have yet decided on. If I do, I want it to be as stress-free for him as possible, if I have to give him everything that I have I will. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll ever be happy in our marriage since our intimacy has waned tremendously and it's only been 3yrs. marriage. We've been together for 10+ and I have tried to make it work for so long but now, I have just given up on love and us. We go through the motions, we don't spite but there's no happiness for me being in it.
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male
reader, drummerboy +, writes (12 April 2013):
tjis is great - found a post thats relevant to me with some helpful advice. I've been with my partner for 12 years, much in love and in common. However I'm hopeless with my feelings for women I'm attracted to - and very shy and very quiet at work. So my imagination tends to run out of control. I try to avoid being around attractive women altogether. Ive been at the same workplace for 12 years and now have moved, sitting next to a very attractive woman who is also very smart. She is magnetic and a lot of guys like her. Problem is she is also a very nice person. I sit next to her and am very distracted as i am attracted to her hotness, niceness and intelligence. She grew up with a lot of brothers, so she has a knack of getting on well with guys, consequently she has many office admirers, and is freindly with everyone. Its easy to misinterpret this. I'm fairly sure the feelings arent returned. I've discussed this with my partner and she has provided good advice - but i've noted a bit of advice from some women along the lines of "lighten up." Arrggghh this aint easy. I will be moving again to another building in just over a month so I am lucky. I just want some coping strategies. I dont want to freeze her out, i want to remain friendly on a conversation level, but want to ease the anxiety from just being aware of her presence, and the distraction of this. I've seen some stuff along the lines of "emphasise her worst qualities in your mind..." but when you fantasise about someone, thats pretty hard to do! any hints? Thanks a lot for any advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): I know it's been a while on this post but I feel I have to add my bit.I too have this situation, I am married and also have a very intense infatuation/obsession with a male colleague.Most people on these threads don't go into detail about the marriage side. In my case, I married very young and unbeknown to me aged 19, he was and still is, a very controlling and possesive man. Over the years I have learned to live with it and stayed for the sake of my children(he is a good father). I love him but am not in love with him. I saty a good wife in every other way and as long as he has regular sex, he is happy, if he doesn't, he is not!I have not been unfaithful before and at times I have told myself I could with this other person because, I think, I simply want to feel totally desired and special, and to feel proper love and all of those other things which I missed out on being so young.I do have old fashioned values and stay because I signed the paper so to speak.I know none of these reasons are excuses and I did not seek out someone to feel this way about either.I have just simply connected to this person like we have a bloody great magnet between us.Just a touch from his hand sends shocks through me and I feel physically sick in his presence. we have so much in common.I know he feels the same even though neither of us has had to say anything, the air is electric, and in fact we cannot find the words to say anyway.We are in a position of limbo because of this.So many times we have come close to rearing the words, but always stop ourselves.I think we both want each other so badly but also don't want to go there because of reprisals and any hurt which may me caused.He gives me a reason to go to work every day, even though I enjoy my work. It is so intense that we have both been close to tears in presence of the other.I hope and pray that it will fizzle out on it's own, but feel that it never will, it has been seven months now.I also have the 'hurts like hell' feeling when he talks, looks at or smiles at any other female at work, frightened to death that he will choose them over me because 'we' has not happened.His face is with me when I go to sleep, when I wake up and also every minute of the day.Please don't judge because the word married is included here, in fact the answers would be totally different if it were not, I think.I am a human being with emotions and feelings like anyone who is not married.I feel devastated that this has happened to me, and that I have allowed it to. I feel wek, useless,cheap, and any other bad word I can think of, but I cannot do anything to stop feeling this way.I actually think, if I could manage to talk it over with him, even if we do not take it further, that I will feel better and have some sort of closure to start on.But of course to do that, I have to say something and what then if he was to say "who me?,no thanks I'm married!"Until something gives way, I will have to go on felling like this because I could not face the prospect of seeing him each day.
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male
reader, Chipper +, writes (15 January 2010):
It's not about pursuing another woman. It's about being human. I'm going through this right now. I love my wife dearly. At the time, we're separated by career necessity--to stay gainfully and fully employed, we had to accept jobs on opposite coasts of the U.S. We fly and back forth, seeing each other about every 1-2 months for a few days. It's all we can afford to fly. We've been married 30 years!
Recently, between our visits, I've found myself fascinated with another woman at work who's about my age. I've tried to analyze why. She's what my wife is not. She's artistic, creative, a little wild, free-spirited, unhinged. We've "gone out" a few times as friends to dinner and "thrifting" for clothes, and we pal it up at work some times. She's in a very casual relationship--a friend with hugging priveleges, as she puts it.
At the same time, none of this feels sexual. I feel a physical attraction but not in the sense of being greatly aroused. It's more of a romantic arousal, the kind I felt mixed with the sexual feelings I had when I was going out with the girl who became my wife.
What is this? Nostalgia for falling in love? The need for companionship? The need for more than male friendship? (I've always enjoyed women as friends more than men.) Compatability between two people who happen to see the world the same?
I am struggling with this. I feel like a fool. I don't know how this woman feels about me. I strongly suspect I am just a friend, and that I'm the only one who feels this way. I would love to go on fooling myself that I am in love. At the same time, I'm old enough to know all about infatuation.
It's driving me nuts. I haven't seen a lot of good answers here that seem to apply to my situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Guys, you really Need to spice up your marriage. On a womans point of view, the worksite has alot of temptation so you need a Plan. When a business conversation went personal, red flags and alarms went off and I decided to Do something about it. I Avoided him, and faxed all my orders. 10 points for me :) ! When marriage gets mundane, Do something different. For instance, a guy had a mustache called a Foo Man Chu (probably spelled wrong)and he looked really appealing/sexy. So my husband tried it (temporarily) and I felt like I was with a new man. fun, fun, fun...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I found this post and to the poster and the other 'relating' anonymous poster, this is dead on to what I've been experiencing. There is a woman at work that I fancy and we're both engaged to different people. I told myself to tell her how I feel, so that I could get rejected and be done with it. However, this plan backfired! She also expressed interest in me. And this, as you can imagine, made the difficulty of it all increase tenfold. A word of advice as to not get into my rut, DON'T tell her how you feel. Or you'll be opening a can of worms full of new emotion, possibility, and deceit. Of course after all these emotions got caught up at work, my fiance starts being her sweetest self, bringing me nearly to tears. I am now in the worst situation possible. I'm in love with my fiance, and am practically on the verge of a relationship with a girl at work. Often I tell myself, let the chips fall where they may. This time its different. Who knows what lies ahead. The devil on my shoulder has control of me now.. Just be careful guys. Know your limits.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for the reply ‘anonymous, 27 November 2008’. ‘It's nice to know others go through he same problems, but it does not help the hurt any. I feel better when I don't see her, but then once I see her sparkling eyes I'm done for for days…I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response’Yes exactly how I feel. I also go thru wanting to tell her and within a few minutes get a fright at the very idea. I feel I am courting rejection once again and as you say she may use it against you in the job because she is pissed at you or whatever (of course the silly romantic side of you couldn’t believe she would do such a thing, but the danger is there). ‘I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response’There you go, that’s exactly it. But when I was in her presence yesterday I didn’t think of that, all I could feel was how perfect it would be if she showed me some affection or told me she felt the same – a hopeless dream which will never happen and I will be frustrated to a frazzle if things keep going in this fashion. "Anybody out there want an affair…hel-lo-oh, anyone at all…affair goin real cheap’’ :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): I've been going through the very same issue for the past few months, that's how I found myself here. Lots of similarities; the ups and downs, romantic feelings as opposed to just sexual. Ive had little things for other women, usually I can masturbate to a sexual fantasy with them once or twice and it goes away, but not this time. I don't even think sexually about her much any more. I more think about what shes doing on Saturday morning and wishing I was there.
It's nice to know others go through he same problems, but it does not help the hurt any. I feel better when I don't see her, but then once I see her sparkling eyes I'm done for for days. I'm in a great marriage but life has been feeling mundane lately. I recall wishing for some "drama" in my life to help me feel more human. I don't know how to get rid of the emotions, and unfortunately at least at this stage I don't really want to.
I wish I could tell her and get it off my chest because telling my friends has not helped. But I'm afraid she will feel uncomfortable and I might wind up losing my job (which I love.) I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Hi again, as y'all can imagine I am not over this or i wouldn't be here. It comes back to strike when you least expect.
To: [A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):]
Just wondering how you are getting on with your 'other woman'?
I had a nice interlude when my 'other woman' was traded to a new department close to my office. We seemed to get on as of old and I was wondering what had changed to bring this nice scenario about.
It didn't last as usual and when I got used to being at ease with her she bolted. I know she had a lot on her plate at the time and might find out more 2morrow or, I might find that she is on to me again and is running scared. Ah well, nothing ventured nothing gained.
There was a nice moment when there was silence and I whispered 'its gone very quiet' she whispered back 'I Know, it gets like that here'. Then there was a sudden crash of a door as someone came into the room next door and we both got a start and laughed quietly. It was so cool: *it must be love-love, lo...* and then she bolted. D'oh!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): I have been in the exact situation you are in for the last 4 years. I am completely obsessed with this co-worker, and nothing I do makes me forget her, and I have tried. I think about her every minute of the day. I thought time would help, but it just seems to be getting worse. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. I am living with the ups and downs every day. Its a real roller coaster. Good luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually pretty pathetically sex doesn’t play a big role in this (did I just say that!) at least immediately, its more romance. When I get romantic notions about a woman I imagine ‘waiting’ for them…to be ready, if you know what I mean.
Interesting day today tho, we went team building - paint-balling, it was great. I won : ) Anyway, Herself was there and you know she looked pretty ordinary – why the big change from just a few days ago I can’t say.
One of the other lights of my working life was there (shes younger than Herself : )) and she looked great. She seemed quite fond of my presence; but don’t worry I’m going to behave this time, no really I am. In fact I’m quite sure I am …I think. Oooohhhh but its so hard. As OW said ‘the only thing I can’t resist is temptation’ : (
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female
reader, ready2bolt +, writes (30 August 2008):
Hey - just wanna' add something from the poor little wifey's perspective. No one can blame you for finding other women attractive and an infatuation is not only normal, but probably to be expected. But here are a few things to keep in mind -- the fantasy is usually waaaaaaayyyyy better than the reality and if you really want to take the steam off this infatuation then talk to your wife about it. Make a joke of it -- the two of you can mock the co-worker together, laugh about her faults and joke about your infatuation, joke about threesomes, or let your wife tell YOU about the co-worker or other men in her life that SHE finds irresistable! Just get this out in the open in some way, shape or form. That will help tremendously!!
Also - don't take this so seriously. This really does not need to become a "do I cheat or don't I cheat" kind of scenario -- esp. if you are a Real Man of integrity, which it sounds like you really want to be. Don't buy the crap that only real men cheat -- that is a lie. Only real liars cheat -- doesn't matter if you are male or female. Too many folks try to make this stuff out like it HAS to be a choice about becoming an adulterer or not and miss the whole point. It is a "how do I enjoy all these great people in my life in a way that really makes my life richer as an honorable human being" (as opposed to a lying sack of dog poo) Enjoy this person but respect who she is and keep some self-respect (esp. at work!!) and respect for your wife and family too. You can do it!!
At the end of a day a liar and a cheater is not cool - no matter what or how much tail you are getting. After all, if you sleep with this woman, you put your wife not just in emotional harms way, but her sexual health in harms way. What kind of human being would DO that to someone they have promised to protect, love and support?! So keep a clear head. And - if you think that you can't live your life without this woman, then you need to do the honorable thing and separate from your wife and family BEFORE you take the plunge. This is not just about the Other Woman's sex appeal -- it is about being happy to make the right choices. If those choices are really mussing up your soul, then you need to keep your vows but get some space to sort out what is going on inside and above all -- be honest with YOU and YOUR WIFE. The affair starts there and you can end it there too -- the third person is just dust in the wind! As a couple you should be able to find a way to take on this stuff and meet it head on with a unified front.
I hope you and your wife find a way to ramp things up and that eventually the shine will wear off the poor grammar girl at work.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Man-boy-male-bloke here again. The fact that any guy is willing to spend any time on this web-site deserves the award of multi-bazillion brownie points. We're trying to be socially astute and charismatic men-folk so don't do us down. All the other idiots are out there in the pub staring at a woman's chest just in order to get over their ex - assuming they had a woman to start with! Anyway - I'm off to a pub now to stare at women's chests. Have a good evening!
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 August 2008):
 Poster, I love your attitude - I too would want to talk to you at work : )
Man-boy-bloke: 'I think that ultimately a man's ego is boosted by the act of sex whereas a woman's is boosted through acts of romance (flirting, attention and compliments are part of this) without sex needing to be involved. I may be wrong of course!' - you ARE wrong! well, if the sex is good, it is also an amazing ego boost for the woman too, and makes her feel in a very good mood with the entire world. Without it, she is in danger often of feeling in a very bad mood! (or is that just ME?!)
Telling him he's married and a bastard: no no no. He is a human being. He is here asking advice for how to stop this, because he hasn't chosen to be walking on sunshine in her presence - it is just happening to him. And he never said he would act on it - in fact, I got the sense he wanted to eliminate it. (although of course not, as it is also v addictive) (love is the drug ...).
We don't know what his marriage is like, either. We can't judge. Marriage is a statement of intention, but if the circumstances and people change, sometimes it becomes redundant. (well, that's one interpretation) (oh Lord, I'm going to get it in the neck for saying that, I know!!!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for the replies. Natasia: good reply, thanx. I like the psychological approach. I have tried to ‘switch off your rose-tinted specs and try and see her as someone normal and not a super-being’. I have set out studiously to find things about her I don’t like; one day she said something using bad grammar (or whatever) the kind of thing that normally makes me look down on someone and guess what? I loved it, I kept saying it over to myself. ‘Can't you just get used to fancying her?’This I have also toyed with and again with mixed results, but I find it does have a claming effect which helps. Man-bloke-guy: Thanx for the reply. I like this answer because it’s a real mans answer, instead of ‘shut up you fool you’re married’ which I find least helpful of all. I concur with your experience. I have been down the ‘ignore her in a polite way’ path which as you say I found worked pretty well but it is difficult to maintain over time when you really just want to talk to her, but I will keep up that strategy. As for the guy hanging around, every guy I talk to seems to have an eye for her and that too is difficult, but I’ll think ‘aloof’.Paradise: I was expecting this approach and as I say its not one that works for me. I have never stepped out of line in 15 years of marriage and don’t imagine I will now but the problem remains – when I see her she brings me joy -‘I’m walkin’on sunshine yeh-eh!’ or pain, ‘ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone’.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): ...not easy to work with beautiful women over a period of years and not develop feelings towards them - be they married or otherwise. Their job to turn you down. Get with the programme, ladies - all part of life's rich tapestry! What is a husband anyway - a guy who is allowed to fart at you during tea time and leave the toilet seat up? No wonder affairs happen.
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female
reader, paradise +, writes (30 August 2008):
 My reply is very simple - YOU ARE MARRIED!! You have no business pursuing another woman. Am I the only person to tell it like it is? Or are women the only ones who get scorned and punished for adultery!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Hi. Man-bloke-guy here! Problem is that this man probably thinks that if he does not make a move soon then someone else will and therefore he will feel like he has missed out and will be resenting for ever more. Life's too short, nothing ventured, nothing gained of course. I think that ultimately a man's ego is boosted by the act of sex whereas a woman's is boosted through acts of romance (flirting, attention and compliments are part of this) without sex needing to be involved. I may be wrong of course! You need to rationalise the problem. You are lucky. You are going to see her every day and therefore over a period of weeks and months and possibly years be able to show her the real you, the charming, relaxed, good humoured, considerate, intelligent and well-mannered gent that you are. Try not to be her 'friend' though. Just keep her right on the edge of friendship so that she can be tipped into affair material if she so desires. I think you should let her come to you. Act aloof (but not rude). Be scarce - not omnipresent (she'll find you more intriguing for that). There's a woman I fancy at work round the other side of the building. There's this guy who is hanging round her all the time. His office is right next to her desk. He sees her very often is able therefore to relax and humour her every day. She clearly likes him - although I'm much better looking of course! Whenever I talk to her I'm basically steeling a prescious minute here or there and therefore maybe coming across as a little intense/needy. As such I'm not giving a good account of myself. In summary I think you need to think of her as a long term prospect and work towards knowing her gradually. Remember, if you do this skillfully enough and fill your life with other interests then eventually - with any luck - she will come to you. Good on you!
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 August 2008):
It's really difficult as basically your body has decided that she is the one and only aim at the moment ... and it has a ways of doing things quite independent of your rational wishes!
To thwart your body (your biological drive to reproduce - the strongest instinct we have, and, as far as I'm concerned, the one that directly or indirectly governs pretty much alll we do) ... to thwart this force is difficult and painful, and not always entirely successful. The only way really is to switch off your rose-tinted specs and try and see her as someone normal and not a super-being. However, everything about her is telling you something different - that's the problem. You can't actually switch her off, and switching yourself off is fairly difficult. Can't you just get used to fancying her? And when you are with her, constantly check yourself, hold yourself back, so you don't end up in a flirtation with her!
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