A
female
age
51-59,
*trong or weak
writes:Does anyone think I should stay? Will try to keep this short. In my heart I know the answer but although I am a very strong and independant person, I am also afraid of making the wrong choice. Married 16 years with teenaged son. Husband has always been bad tempered with abusive flare-ups (pushing me across a room, holding me by the neck, ordering me out of teh vehicle, etc). he freaks out when I am upset. i am no angel (I call him names, call him down and have threatened him many many times with divorce which I never follow through with)but I am not violent. I think it's OK to have a shouting match (not so much anymore now that I'm older) but I don't think one person should bully the other into submission by using force. I have been called bith, told to f-off, and told to shut up so many times I can't count that high. We have seperate finances, I make a fraction of what he does because I left my career to raise my boy and have always wanted to be at home more to be the homemaker. He travels a lot. I cook, clean, work part-time, help son with homework, etc. he helps around the house and is very involved with our son and is a good Dad. I have stayed this long because I want to raise my boy with 2 parents and because I'm afraid that if I leave, I will miss my son too much on the days he isn't with me. Things are stable with my husband when I'm nice and don't raise any shit. Like I said above, if I get upset, 5 times out of 10 he will escalate the situation to shut me up. If I am always pleasant he is happy and therefore never explodes. he blames me for his temper. Anyway, I know how this sounds and just reading I see it clearly. We've tried marriage counselling 3 times (for long term) one counsellor got rid of us because we were too complex, and the other one said we needed to go our seperate ways before someobody got badly hurt. the first counsellor, 8 years ago, said he dd not see much room for change in my husband. Comments and advice appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, viccra78  +, writes (12 January 2011):
If you are asking, then I think you aready know the answer...
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Occaional abuse is still abuse- If there's ANY abuse that's too much even if it's not physical. A man is not a man if he abuses his wife or any women! In my opinion you should not hang around to see if he "gets better".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I think the time to leave and start again has come. Your son is a teenager, soon to be starting out on his own life. Your partner is abusive and unlikely to change. This is your chance to get away and make a life that is without the threat of abuse. I'm not sure why you have not gone already. Fear of making that final decision? Be strong, life can only get better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I understand where you are coming from as I was in the same situation. Except my husband was not even willing to go to counselling and we do not have kids. A great book that helped me was "A woman's guide to abusive relationships" It outlines the abusive cycle and then breaks down the different types of abuse and what they entail in which you tick the ones that apply. I was so amazed how many I had ticked. When I found the courage to leave him I couldn't believe how unbelievably free and happy I felt and knew it was the best decision I have ever made.
Leave him not just for your sanity but for your son as Cindy pointed out your son will think that this is the way you treat women. Also it is not your fault he is angry, abusive men never want to take responsibility for their actions. I still wonder who my ex blames his anger on now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Pushing you across the room and holding you by your neck are not " abusive flare ups ", they are just physical abuse, plain and simple.
Not that the the constant verbal abuse and aggressive attutude in general are anything to take lightly- but if he laid hands on you, that, the way I see it ,should have put the final nail on the coffin of your relationship long time ago.
I think that deep down you know it and the reasons you mention for not wanting to end your marriage are more rationalizations or excuses than actual reasons.
Is he such a great Dad ?- I doubt it, at least he's a dad that is teaching his son how it's normal and OK disrespecting Mom, calling her names, bullying and physically threatening her. Very bad message.
You would suffer the days your teenage son is not with you ? Probably, but might as well get used to it. Your boy is a teenager , give him 5 , 8 years at most, and you'll be lucky if you see him on weekends !- or at Xmas if he moves somewhere else. It's improbable he is gonna live with you as an adult- and it would be unhealthy if it happened.
I don't want this to sound as a criticism and I hope it does not, but I think you are not nearly as strong and independent as you want to see yourself.Strentgh and independence is not engaging in shouting matches , it's being able to live without the emotional crutches provided by habit and familiarity.
It's a pity that counseling did not help in your case, then again no counseling will work if the persons are not
actively committed to change. In your case either one, or both , were not.
I appreciate that what makes you hesitant is also the financial situation, since you are not fully independent moneywise, and I realize that this may be perhaps the main concern, it's not easy after being a homemaker and part time worker for years and years to reinvent yourself as a
self supporting full time worker. But if you have even the
slightest chance to get to that- I would hold on to it like a bulldog to a piece of meat.
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