A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my gf for about 4 mos (I'm 39- shes 25) I know big gap. Anyway, about a month in -- we had "the talk" ---and I found out about her not so innocent past. It made me sick to find out she had slept with 15 other guys before me. Now for the details so you all understand. About me, I got divorced (after 10 yrs) 4 yrs ago, have dated at least 30 women (some her age) since then (but slept w/ less than 1/2 of them). This girl is really the only one I have seriously considered keeping long-term (perhaps marrying someday). We just have that dynamic, and work very well together. Now I realize Im a bit of a hypocryte here, I've been with just as many, and even slept with one of her co-workers a while back. But I have a hard time fighting the thoughts of her past -- its a fight everyday for me. About her -- she has some emotional problems, used to have eating disorders, takes anxiety meds, etc. She used to be a relationship-type girl, had her heart broken, and just snapped and went on rampage --- getting hammered, sleeping with about 10 guys in less than 2 yrs -- even slept with 2 guys in the same night (separately)!I'm not a very jealous person usually, and her past relationships really dont bother me. So its really not retroactive jealousy -- its really just disgust. I'm not sure if I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who could be so slutty and easy. That said, she disgusted herself enough to stop that behavior about a year ago. To be fair to her, she has been nothing but upfront and good to me, and is very concsious of my feelings. She is very, very ashamed about how she was for those 2 yrs and wishes she could take it back. She prefers not to go out now, and is actually quite the homebody. She says I'm a level above the rest, and has already said she'd like to marry me someday. It's taken me a long time (and a lot of dates) to find someone I can be happy and comfortable with -- day in -- day out. But I feel I'm lowering my standards by staying with her. I know that if I leave -- who's to say it wont take me 3 more yrs to find another girl I feel great about, and what will be in her past? Everybody has something to be ashamed of I guess. Not to be an arrogant d-bag, but I'm pretty good looking and a damn good catch. However, the big 4-0 is coming up soon, so I have to be realistic. I have forgiven her, and we are trying to move on together. So ladies --- here are my questions.How many guys have you slept with?Is it common for girls in early 20s to go through a "slut phase"?Do most girls act like this now?I've forgiven her, but the more I love her, the more it bothers me. I guess if I actually knew some girls who were worse than her, it would be easier to forget.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 the fact of the matter is that you dont like the idea that she could have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached as you might think she will fake emotions with you and move on to the next when something better comes along. at the same time you also think that if she was developing emotions for each of these men that she is not able to control her emotions with better judgement. also you think that what she has done shows a lack of respect for herself, which is vindicated by the fact she feels bad about this period of her life. being with someone who is emotionally unavailable/emotionally unintelligent/doesn't have self respect isn't an appealing idea, but she has told you in confidence which shows honesty and maturity, and she has moved on from this behaviour pattern and taken account of her actions and modified them and the fact she feels bad about what happened shows she does have self respect now. was all this sex related to drinking? i think your doubts about marrying are more to do with her age and the notion of playing the field.
good luck
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 August 2009):
the fact of the matter is that you dont like the idea that she could have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached as you might think she will fake emotions with you and move on to the next when something better comes along. at the same time you also think that if she was developing emotions for each of these men that she is not able to control her emotions with better judgement. also you think that what she has done shows a lack of respect for herself, which is vindicated by the fact she feels bad about this period of her life. being with someone who is emotionally unavailable/emotionally unintelligent/doesn't have self respect isn't an appealing idea, but she has told you in confidence which shows honesty and maturity, and she has moved on from this behaviour pattern and taken account of her actions and modified them and the fact she feels bad about what happened shows she does have self respect now. was all this sex related to drinking? i think your doubts about marrying are more to do with her age and the notion of playing the field.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks quiet echo, but if you read further down -- you'll see the reasons all this came up. She is still getting booty call texts from guys who think she is just there for easy sex, and yes -- she has an std, she tested positive for HPV.
And she was ashamed of her behavior on her own, before she met me, not because of anything I said. A lot of her guilt comes from keeping it from her parents, who would dis-own her if they found out. They made her feel terrible after they found out about her 1st.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):
A lot of women won't understand what you're going through but don't worry I do. I got divorced from my wife too and it made me really insecure and turned me into a bit of a misogynist. I too came up with a theory that if I dated a younger woman I could be in control of the relationship and wouldn't have to deal with her being an equal partner. Things were going great until I regressed to an insecure adolescent and asked her past. At first she was shocked that someone my age (38) would ask such a pathetic question and told me that the reason she was dating someone approaching middle age was to have some semblance of maturity in the relationship. She finally answered me and it turns out she has had ten partners!!!!! Heavens no!!!! I thought. She has been with almost as many partners as me. Like you most of them were in a concentrated period of time right after college because that is when women explore their sexuality and when women do this they get a lot of takers because women get approached constantly. She stopped after a year like your girl because she realized that it wasn't for her. Still, that filthy jezebel had 6 one night stands lasting a half an hour each. I couldn't get over the fact that in the 8,760 hours in a year three of them were spent making a decision that she regretted. I'll admit I have some esteem issues: I'm not the attractive catch you declared yourself to be in your post. Maybe if I had your self confidence and self-esteem I would understand that her brief stage is nothing compared to the fact that she accepts me despite the fact that I'm older and have been in a failed marriage (a used car as opposed to an average car). I left my girl and am much happier now. I have a mail-order bride coming soon and hope that maybe living in a repressed society for so long will make her know how lucky she is to have a catch like me. She is also well-educated so building the time machine to erase whatever part of her past I don't like will be easier. If not I'm going to buy a love-doll but definitely not a second hand one. I'm so glad their other guys, real men, out there like me because everyone knows how precious and everlasting twenty minutes of sex is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYoure right kc --- I was actually referring to both women and men in my last post, not just women. And while I agree that women are more emotional, that wasnt the case in my gf's "phase". She stopped caring about anything, and wasnt looking for a relationship -- it was her intention to simply sleep around. She's not even really sure why she did, she perhaps thought it would make her feel more desirable or better in someway.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 August 2009):
 Well I absolutely despise reality TV so I think you may be a little stereotypical in your last post! I dont think that reality TV condones casual sex, I think the problem lies in the way young men are brought up thinking that they are "Studs" if they can sleep with lots of women, and it is something to be admired whereas a girl is a "slag" if she sleeps around. So we have this double standard in society that means women can never get it right!
Back in our parents times, the men had very few sexual partners too. Back then, men liked to "chase" a woman - woo her with flowers, gifts and make a real effort to "court' a woman. This meant that it was pretty clear to a woman which man was interested in a serious relationship and who was not. Whereas today - men are full of shit. They can talk the talk, easily make a woman believe that they are serious about them. Some even go as far as saying how much they like you, how excited they are about their future with you...yet even if you wait a couple of months to sleep with them they can still vanish as soon as they have had sex with you!
Now I think both men and women are to blame - male attitudes towards women have had a major shift over the last 10 years. Women too have become too quick to jump into bed with any man they can find, sometimes out of desperation but sometimes because they think they have something special with a guy when they dont. Women are much more emotional creatures and will always follow their emotions - if something feels right at the time then normally we will always go with it. Maybe our judgment is a bit off or we are too ready to go along with something but I definately dont believe that we have sex because thats something reality TV stars do. Give us some credit, we are not all mindless sheep conforming to the masses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldnt agree with you more (last anonymous male reader). Our parents got married early --maybe had a few at the most. The 18-25s now find their heroes on "reality" shows. Times sure have changed. Gotta go buy some stock now -- of drug companies that make STD vaccines!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Ask your moms, with how many guys they slept.
Probabbly your dad was the first and last.
How about todays ladies? They are very much proud of being a semen bag.
STD's and genital area cancers will be more common in 30 years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all again, especialy kc100. I realize there is no "normal". Everyone has their own story. I suppose it would be easier for my reptilian brain to let go of these thoughts if I wasn't facing a STD, and the occasional text from her ex randoms looking for easy sex. When the Dr says I have to wait 2 weeks to be active with her again, it's not really the past anymore--is it? Actions have consequences. I'm not looking for a virgin, why is it when a post like this comes up, theres always a few that think we are so insecure. Believe me, I have no reason to be insecure about my size, performance, values, or even my primitive brain. The last male poster is gets it. She is a sweet girl who is on the right path. So its hard to think of her as someone who showed such poor judgement and an absolute lack of class. I won't settle for an average car, so why would I settle for an average girlfriend. I just want to know she is the kind of girl I want to settle down with. But of course, this is part of any relationship --- as for all of us -- only time will tell.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): That reasoning for how women accidentally rack up a long list of brief partners is just crap in my opinion. I have felt a "real connection" with dozens of women on the first few dates, and I still haven't slept with any of them that fast. I still exercised common sense and self control and now my list of partners is still very low.Having casual sex is not a horrible thing but people need to own the choices they make. If you barely know a person and you sleep with them, then either it was consensual casual sex or you were raped.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 August 2009):
well I think you have received some judgemental answers on here and no-one has actually answered your questions! So hopefully I will be able to help! The only thing I didnt like in your question was "I have forgiven her" - she had nothing to be sorry about. It all happened before she knew you, if she had met you 5 years ago then she wouldnt have this number. There is nothing to forgive - the past is the past and there is nothing anyone can do about it!But as for me, I am 22 and have slept with...ahem....21 men. Now I am not hugely proud of that, nor am I regretful (about most of them anyway!). Just to break down that number to give it some meaning....7 of those were real relationships where I had strong feelings for all of them. I started having sex just before I turned 16, so I have now been sexually active for nearly 7 years. Only 4 of these men were one-night stands BUT I did know all of them (they were not random men I met in clubs etc). 6 of these men I slept with in my first year of university, so I guess that could be classed as my "slutty" phase. The rest of them I was "seeing" - so it wasnt a serious relationship but I did see them/date them for a while and I would say 9 times out of 10 I liked the guy and wanted it to go somewhere but guess what, men in their 20's/early 30's these days treat women pretty badly at times and can easily lead you on then you never hear from them again!I think in your girlfriends case she hasnt really slept with that many people (well compared to me anyway!). There are lots of questions on this site from men asking about how to deal with their partner's sexual past - have a read around and some of the answers may be able to help you. And you will see that some women have slept with huge numbers of men, 30, 40+. Each person is different, I dont think someone's sexual past is a reason to judge them!I honestly think that when you meet someone special, who you really connect with then their past shouldnt matter. The past is the past and cannot be changed - but the future is something you can have an input into. You love her, she loves you. That is pretty rare - love doesnt come along all that often so when it does you should hold on to it with both hands. Her sexual past does not make her a bad person - she is just human, she made some mistakes and has learnt from them. I do think that men are to blame partially for 20 something girls having higher numbers of sexual partners. We women are looking to find a man to love, someone who wants to spend time with them and generally have a relationship with. So men know this and are happy to prey on this - they will talk the talk so convincingly that after a few dates women will think "this is going somewhere" hence they will sleep with the man, after all women have been led to believe by a number of sources that in order to keep a man happy they must have sex with them and be great in the bedroom. So in order to stop our men looking elsewhere because they are not getting any from us, we sleep with them maybe earlier than we should, and surprise surprise the man wont call, he just disappears of the face of the earth!I know in my case many of the men were so convincing in their feelings for me, and I didnt want to believe that all men are full of shit so I would trust them and sleep with them - then 9 times out of 10 they are always the same! It is so hard to tell the genuine guys apart from the idiots who are just using you, almost impossible in fact! Men in their 20's and early 30's know they can wait longer to settle down hence they seem to be playing the field more than they ever used to, so women are getting dragged into this hence their "numbers" are rising!I hope this gives you some insight - basically no matter what your girlfriend has done in the past you have a future together and that is all that matters. She has stopped her behaviour - so where exactly is the problem? and the answer to that is......The problem is in your head. So you have the choice - you can accept her past and deal with it, or you can end the relationship. She cannot change this, she cant make it better. So it is up to you - I'm sure if she is really special then 15 other guys from years ago are not going to stop you from being happy with her. I hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 This comes up here a lot, you're not alone. I have experienced the same thing and found that unless someone had been in that situation it was very difficult to feel they had empathy.
Talking about 'averages' is a red herring. It has nothing to do with that. The reality is that most people are not very promiscuous (as in less that 10 sexual partners), but then a smaller number are much more active. This pushes the average up, but is deceptive. For example, population with a 99 women who married as virgins (and stayed faithful), and a single prostitute who has slept with every guy, would have an average number of sexual partners of 2. But in reality, anyone in that population with more than one sexual partner is very exceptional.
But to answer your question, the behaviour is not majority behaviour, but is also not uncommon. Does that make it normal? If 25% of a population do something (which is probably close-ish to the number you are seeking), then yes, it's probably normal enough. It's certainly not ab-normal.
The problem is, whether it's 'normal' or not, you're not going to feel any better about it either way. This isn't about normal, but about whether you can cope with the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing, and learn to let go of them.
This comes up a lot, so rather than repeating what has been said before, I suggest reading this thread. Although please post back here too...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Best luck and strength to you. I know how unbearably difficult this situation can be
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (23 August 2009):
 I would be grossed out about the warts and would rethink a relationship with someone if they told me they had them...I think personally most girls that age (my age) have slept with around the same amount of guys, I myself have slept with about 11...But some people I know have slept with something in the region of 30!! But I am put off guys who have been careless with sex...I'm not impressed by people who don't use protection and your girlfriend is a prime example of why you should be careful...Because now you have to be careful so you don't end up with genital warts too...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback. But to clarify a few things --- I realize the double standard, fair or not, I dont make up the rules ----- I just know what they are. Also, even though my 15 or so numbers is about the same --- that is over the course of TWENTY yrs --- not 4. It just makes me sick to know that she let so many guys have their way with her, and had pretty much no discretion or judgement. Oh, by the way, she tested positive for HPV(genital warts) last month --- if that helps explain why this issue wont leave my head. Since this is the first "budding relationship" Ive had since I met my wife 15 yrs ago --- I just want to find out if this is all "normal" for girls nowadays.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): Thank you all for your feedback. Just to clarify, I admit the double standard, fair or not, I dont make up the rules -- I just know what they are. And I even admitted to being a bit of a hypocryte in my post. However, my 15 or so partners, is over the course of 20 yrs --- not 4. My problem is she gave up the most intimate acts to a dozen guys that she didnt care about in less than 2 yrs. Since I havent really had a "budding relationship" since I met my wife 15 yrs ago, I just want to see what opinions are these days so I can try to get it out of my head.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (23 August 2009):
 I can't believe this. You are stressing over what your girlfriend did BEFORE you even knew her. And more to the point, she is about 15 years younger than you are. Her sex life began in a completely different era to yours.
She is under no obligation to explain her past to you, and it's really none of your business. I think you are nearly 40 but need to grow up and get over yourself.
What is important is that you and her are together now, and can go forward. Her past makes her exactly what she is, and you should be thankful that her life experiences have shaped her into something that you enjoy.
If you think she was a slut in her past, and you are 'lowering your standards' by staying with her, then leave. I think that by being honest with you, she is hoping that you see past your jealousy of the sexual activities that she enjoyed with other men, and enjoy her as she is now. If you are constantly wondering what she got up to, and with whom, and how she did sexual stuff, then you are the one with the issues.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I really think that you should let this girls go. Let her find someone willing to give her the respect she deserves! She is not a slut...any more than you are. Your double standards are absurd (Just to clarify, you are not just a bit of a hypocrite)! It sounds to me like you are saying things to her that are making her feel guilty and ashamed of her past. She does not need your forgiveness, you need hers. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself! Yes, dealing with someone`s past can be difficult. There can be feelings of jealousy and insecurity, confusion, anger etc (trust me, I know!). However, she is who she is because of ALL of her past experiences (the ones you like and the ones you don`t). I strongly recommend that you get therapy because you sound like a potential abuser. PLEASE let her find someone will love her for who she is!
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (23 August 2009):
You'd probably be quite amazed to find that is quite a common number of people to have slept with...I don't suppose you have many friends that much younger than you to talk with about these kind of things.
If what q1605 said about her average being 2 a year, your average in the 4 years since your divorce is almost 4 a year.
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female
reader, L*  +, writes (23 August 2009):
many girls through their 20s go through a slut phase...and many other girls DO NOT go through a slut phase. She's had made some mistakes which she regrets, it's up to you if you'd accept her or not. Condoning such behaviour because you think that most girls act like this now is wrong because although many girls sleep around, I think that the majority are not sluts and limit sex to their partner only.
I think the question shouldn't be whether it's normal that 20 yr olds go through slut phase but whether you'd be able to move past this.
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