A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Married to a husband with dysfunctional family. His parent quarrel since he was kid. Been over 2 decades until now. (They) often threaten to divorce but not divorce. Their fights last for weeks. I don’t know what's wrong with my in-laws and my husband doesn’t know what they argue about. His opinion is his mom overly controlling, which I agree as we are the victim of her attitude. I can see why they argue and fight a lot. She likes to talk cynically and sarcastically to people. She is a negative person. She hates his husband socializing with friends yet she doesn’t has initiative to join her husband go out. My father in law hates people answering him when he angry but she loves to. She is also hates her son in law for not greeting her when he met her. Not calling her "mom" whenever they meet (they meet EVERYDAY as their house is just behind her house). She resent and ignore him. Personally I’m not a fan of her. I kind of hate her. She gives nasty comment about other and me to others. She did this to everyone including her children. All I can say is she is a negative person. Three weeks ago she had argument and fights with father- in-law that lasts till today. I don’t understand they can sleep in the same room (not in the same bed) but still not talking till today. Father in-law ignores her; they don’t have conversation and go on enjoy his life like nothing happen. But I can see this affect her so much that she become skinnier and keep asking sister in-law where father in-law is. I think she has a biggest ego and pride. Father in-law threatens to divorce her when she tried to pressure him by running from home. She gives an attitude towards other. I often feel intimidated and unreal whenever she’s nearby. I think this is the climax that my father in-law can accept. He ignores her for weeks and seems happy and enjoys his life. Honestly for me, it gives me peace in this situation as she is busy with thinking about her problem with her husband she will "forget" to interfere and controlling us. I think she’s shy if I know her problem which I don’t show that I know. Now sister in-law try to make them reconcile by taking them to vacation and meet relatives abroad. I feel uneasy thinking about it. Funnily, when I say safe flight to her and ask who she’s going with? Just the two of her and sister-in-law? She said with father-in-law, to visit some relatives that haven’t meet for a long time. They just meet a month ago. It’s just an alibi to reconcile with her husband made by her and sister-in-law. I think she tried to fool me that everything’s okay. Sorry I sound evil talking about this. Just trying to be honest with my thought. I know I mustn’t happy in others problem but it’s just what I feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): My husband doesnt want to get involved in their problems and choose to ignore and focus on his own matter. He also dislike me for wanting to know what cause their problem (i wanna know because it seems so dramatically bad everytime they had argument, his mom got sore eyes from crying, bad mood, running from home) He said they would eventually make up and back to normal and repeat. He watched them troublesome since he is kid and he is bored with their drama. All he wants and hopes from us is peace. A happy and harmonious relationship is all he asked for from me. He never request or complain anything about me. He accepts me what im. He even loves to see my face without makeup and says thats the most beautiful face of me. I can understand why theres a man who love to see woman without makeup.
I see as you said wiseowle, his mom is dragging others down. She would put an attitude with her nasty face and said negative things especially with me. She is passive aggresive. Never mad at me directly but angry with my husband and said hurtfful things that actually point the direction on me. Once she said a wife should service her husband not the otherway. I think shes jealous of my relationship with her son. My husband is always caring and kind to me unlike her relationship with fatherinlaw. They always quarrel and they know its shame thing to do regarding their age, so they try to cover it from others but that makes her bitter woman from time to time.
When we are dating she used to be a nice woman and we can have long and enjoyable conversation. But since this years shes become very annoying. Sometimes she makes my heart ache. I think she did it purposely. When i told my husband and ask for his advice, he only says ignore her and do what makes me happy because shes not a happy person and will always pick things on other, so as long as i dont do any wrong i dont need to worry what she does and just keep my respect to her.
Why im asking advice from here is because we need to meet them often and i get so anxious whenever shes around. If i avoid her as my husband advice, im afraid that will make our gap and tension much more bigger.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 They've managed to stay married for over 20 years. Whatever the dynamics of the relationship, for THEM it has worked for so long. Who is to say what YOUR marriage will be like after that length of time.
My mum and dad used to have similar spats, albeit probably not quite so extreme. When dad died suddenly, mum had a total breakdown. She never even entertained the idea of another partner or husband for her remaining 20 years, talking about her dead husband every chance she got.
Just because couples fight does not mean they do not love each other, and just because they DON'T fight doesn't mean they do.
Leave them to run their own relationship while you concentrate on that between yourself and your husband. Learn from them and try to make sure you and your husband never become like them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Each and every marriage has its own unique personality. Some married-couples love to hate, some are affectionate and loving, and some are a downright catastrophic. Some marriages are a mixture of all sorts of things; that makes no sense to anybody but the two involved.
Stay as far from the fallout of your in-laws as possible. The thing about tumultuous marriages and relationships is that they rub-off on you; if you hang around them too close. You start to pickup some of their ways, or you get too involved in the drama.
You and your husband should be cordial to your in-laws for the sake of family-ties, and check on them; but otherwise keep your distance. Stay away from them when they're fighting. Remain in he neutral-zone! As you would want them to do, if you and your hubby were having a spat.
Your mother-in-law is too old to change. Your father in-law might be getting his legal ducks in a row. Otherwise; they're waiting to see who drops dead first. If they're only in their 50's, that might take another 20-30 years; so divorce is inevitable.
The idle-threats of divorce have been a thing between them for years. People fear the thought of splitting assets and property down the middle. They also dread being alone. So they drag-out a horrible marriage, until there's no other choice. Usually a very nasty divorce follows; because it becomes a knock-down drag-out fight, with no holds barred. Fortunately in this case, there are no young children in the middle of it.
Eventually, it will probably happen. From your post, I think your father-in-law has just about reached his saturation-point. He has had enough of her. She knows it. He doesn't plan to let her drive him to an early grave.
I don't think this ever was the sister-in-law's idea to reconcile the marriage; it's your mother-in-law realizing she has pushed things too far, and she's using the SIL as a buffer. This may be the final-straw. So she asked the sister-in-law to step-in.
The vacation will do her good, but it may not save her marriage. Nothing short of changing her personality will save it. He might even leave her there in the old country.
Her caustic-personality and unhappiness may have all stemmed from being taken away from her family and the old country. So over time she became a mean and embittered woman. She is the way she is for a reason. Bitterness comes from unresolved pain. They are a mismatched couple; but old traditions and religious doctrine frowns on divorce.
Don't meddle or inquire about their marital-woes. Just be family, and stay out of it. Don't gossip or pick sides. They are your husband's parents, and it's his family-problem to deal with. You don't mention your husband's reaction or concerns about it; so he already knows to leave it alone.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 I think the wisest advice I can give you is to second Cindycares. Remain neutral and stay out of their spats as much as possible. It is their business and I highly doubt if they would appreciate you stepping in, even if you are trying to help. Its a different story for their children although I will assume that they are quite used to the pattern their parents have.
My parents were married almost 53 years until my father died. They fought constantly from the moment I can remember. My father was quiet and my mother was very outspoken, rather loud. Many times my dad would just ignore her until he was just pushed too far and then the fighting would start. They would go DAYS without speaking to one another and my sister and I were always caught in the middle "tell your dad that..." "tell your mother that I said.." UGH..awful. My sister and I used to beg them to divorce and let each other have peace and a chance for happiness but they remained married. I honestly don't know if they were just afraid, didn't want to deal with changes, or perhaps somewhere deep down inside liked the drama. Its sad but some couples really get caught up in these types of behavior and will stay together for years.
Try to stay out of their squabbles. If your husband wants to step in that's one thing but as you being the daughter in law? I wouldn't get involved.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 I am not clear what your question is, anyway my very generic advice would be :
stay out of this. No skin off your nose. Don't interfere.
You are young and you have your own husband and marriage, and hopefully activities and hobbies to keep you occupied, why do you want to waste your mental energies on your MIL's marriage?, with all the better things you could do .
Older couples have their ways and their routines, as negative they may seem to an outsider, some couples do bicker and argue for a lifetime, and yet they'd never, ever leave each other. That's their way to " do " marriage, although it's a way that you and I may not approve .
Or else, it could be that your MIL actually is so insufferable that she drove her husband to the end of his tether, and maybe eventually they will divorce.
In this case too I would abstain from intruding or commenting unless specifically requested . It is a sensitive, private issue. And , since you resent your MIL and you judge her severely for being potentially meddlesome, controlling and invasive in other peopleìs lives...... surely you do not want to be considered the same and copy her behaviours .
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