A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I have a friendship question here. I am currently in uni and live in a uni house with three girls, however it is a bit icy between some of us at the moment. Now, a bit of background, for the past few days/weeks I have felt like I am almost being bullied and talked down to by my house mates, constantly being left in the house on my own and being called boring if I don't want to go out drinking. I feel on edge all the time and I am generally not enjoying living there and this in turn is getting me down. I don't think I want to live with the same people again due to all these.Next year I have been asked to live with other people - who only want to live with me, not the others - but I am a bit scared to tell the others, as I don't want them to make the rest of the time at the current house harder for me. I know this is something I need to say and bring up but I can't think of the best way how, plus to add to my stressed I need to tell them sooner rather than later. You probably think I am being OTT or something but I just need the advice, I know that I don't want to live with them next year but I feel mean moving out. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Chose one of your flat mates you feel is okayish .. make a brew and casually say .. hey, such and such has suggested that we room together ( give date and I’ve said ...yes .. could you let the others know I thought I’d say in advance ) make it light hearted smile, be warm ( even if they are not )
You owe them nothing more than that light hearted two sentences and then say, gosh is that the time I have to rush ..make up somewhere but leave for a bit - don’t go into the dynamics of the house - what good is that - none - I wouldn’t say it isn’t even working . Just that such and such suggested you’ve agreed and that’s it .
Your not mean and your not boring .. I was married and training and had a little one and couldn’t and didn’t want to go to the Irish bar drinking . I felt I had enough doing the assignments and getting them in plus all practical work as well . If they wished to waste their time , energy drinking and not studying that was up to them . So your not boring .. your realistic and practical and just say “I’ll party once I’ve completed xyz but you all have fun. “
Be light hearted .. just because something not your cup of tea doesn’t make you boring. If that was the case everyone is boring in a way .. say for instance someone likes gaming and the other doesn’t ,they’d find hanging around watching them boring etc - just like watching your house mates pickle their brains is probably boring to you - would be to me haha . Esp if I had stuff to do .
Anyway congrats on the new move sweetie . Chin up and no more worrying .
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 This entire stressful situation is easily rectifiable.
Let it all off your chest and tell them what your intentions are.
The sooner the better and worry not regarding the outcome.
You won't be there too much longer anyway, so just stick it out.
You want to at least give them prior notice, so they can find somebody else.
You always take the higher ground and do the right thing by YOU.
Let them know that as you guys don't connect very well, you've therefore decided to move out and if they question you further, you don't need to elaborate and they cannot force you to.
So far as you being called "boring", just because you don't want to go out drinking with them, so what?! Who cares what they say/think/do?!
That's their issue, not yours.
In this modern world, there are so many people, especially younger people, who think that drinking and drinking to excess is cool and somehow makes you more desirable as a friend or to hang out with.
WRONG!!
If these women cannot accept you for who you are, then so be it.
You don't need to drink regularly or even party regularly to be cool.
In fact it's better if you don't drink too much, because you'll always display better behaviour and have better judgement.
You are who you are and trust me, when you find the right fit, the right friends, they won't care, nor will they judge you for what you do or don't do.
It's time to lay it all on the table, because if you keep it within yourself, you are the one who'll be carrying around excess stress and baggage.
They will most probably be happy that you're moving out anyway, considering they don't appear to enjoy your company, nor treat you with total respect.
They've shut you out of their circle, probably because they don't think you're on their wavelength and don't fit in and again, that's ok.
You don't have to be. All you have to be is yourself and so long as you're happy with yourself, that's what's most important.
Throughout your life, you'll always come into contact with those who aren't your cup of tea and vica versa, but so long as you don't allow everything to become personal and you don't act like a victim, you'll survive.
You are not a victim, not to anybody. You are so much stronger than that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 November 2017):
 1. BE OK with people calling your boring for not wanting to party - WHO cares!? DO you.
2. When are you moving out? At the end of the year or the end of the school year?
If it's at the end of the year - tell them now. Tell them you are moving out, that you wish them all well. If they ASK why, tell them you don't quite feel you fit in with them and LEAVE it at that. If they keep prodding, just stick to that. YOU do NOT owe them a long explanation. It's NOT being mean to move out.
If it's at the end of the school year then don't tell them now.
Sometimes we get to know friends on a different level when you live with them. For some it just doesn't work, for others it does. For you it didn't work.
If you feel like the "odd man out" they KNOW it and they will be OK with you moving out.
If you don't MAKE this a big deal, I don't think THEY will.
Just do like you would a band-aid... RIP it off fast. Get it over with.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (5 November 2017):
You don't have to convince us that the people you live with are bad people, in fact I'm pretty sure they probably aren't. And while we're at it-unless you're five noone can 'leave you in the house on your own'- You either go with them, or you do your own thing. But I digress, why not just say to them that you all want to do different things and you hardly go out together anymore so next September you are going to move in with some people you study with/like to do the same things as you/something equally reasonable etc. It's probably best to do it over breakfast when you can start and finish the conversation. It doesn't have to be a big deal just say you've been thinking about next year and you've decided..etc etc. Then you can go to uni and let them digest. If they think you're boring they might even be pleased! But don't avoid the conversation- if you leave it late to talk and they can't find a replacement- you'll be the bad guy. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2017):
 " I know I don't want to live with them next year... "
Alt. Stop right there.
You know that you don't want to live with them next year, and you don't HAVE to live with them next year. If you don't want to, don't do it, and tell them sooner rather than later. At once if you want to get this off your chest and not have to think about it, or anyway with whatever notice was agreed / is considered reasonable in this type of situation.
"... but I feel mean moving out ".. Why ??
Everybody is valuable and nobody is irreplaceable. They 'll just have to find someone else to pay your share of the rent, which in a uni house should be super -easy !, but even if it weren't, hey , it's a house share , not a marriage, or a religious conversion. You did not pronounce vows , nor commit yourself to stay there no matter what . It's a commercial arrangement, you stay until it's feasible and convenient for you, the moment it's not .or you find something better- you are out of there, same as, I 'm sure, they would do if they were in your shoes.
As for having to stay there after you told them you are moving with someone else, and as for this making things worse- come on, what are they going to do ? Put frogs in your bed, ink in your tea ?..It's not as the atmosphere is very warm now, ; it's already " a bit icy ", are you even going to NOTICE if they take it it down to an icier gradation, are you even going to CARE ?, once you know you are leaving them soon ?
If you answer in the affirmative.... well, it's time to grow a thicker skin !
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 November 2017):
 Why do you need to tell them soon? Tell them whenever you feel like it, they won't struggle to find a replacement for a uni house, there are thousands of students that will be looking for accommodation.
Why would you feel mean if they're bullying you? You should be jumping for joy at the chance to live with other friends. They don't sound like a great bunch of friends if this is how they treat you so I really wouldn't lose any sleep over it, do what's best for you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2017):
 The best way is not to beat about the bush. Tell them you found something else. Any of them might have found something else too. You don't know.
You also don't know that they will make things worse for you. That is in your imagination.
The next year is near at hand. It's not long to suffer them. If they are making things difficult then have it out. Don't be a victim. It isn't becoming.
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