A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello World,I had sex with my girlfriend on our first official date, and now I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place with finding out her previous sexual history. I was a virgin when I slept with her (and was blind-sided by the whole experience at the time), so she found out immediately everything about my sexual history (or, rather, lack there-of), but I was left in the dark and was too intimidated to ask her about hers. We've been together for a year now, and I'm about to move across the country to move in with her, and I still don't know how many partners she has had. I don't really feel as though it's a big deal for me, but she's very reluctant to have the talk about her previous sexual partners with me, and that makes me nervous. I feel as though there is a big imbalance in the relationship - she not only knows about everything that has happened to me sexually, but she has been there with me every step of the way, whereas I still have no clue what her history truly has been or how many people she has actually slept with (I've deduced from conversation tidbits that it's been over 6, not including two women she was involved with before she moved over to men). My girlfriend is 5 years older than me and has admitted to a 'regrettable' amount of casual sex in her past, so I can only imagine that it's a bigger number than what she'd feel comfortable telling me. Would she tell the truth if I confronted her? How should I go about getting closure on this really important part of her past that she still keeps hidden from me despite my willingness to move across the country to be with her??Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, Mr. Average  +, writes (7 January 2011):
I have been married 28 years. This thought in your head may never go away. It hasn't with me. My wife won't talk. This has caused a lot of resentment and trust issues for me. There really is no perfect answer to this. Everyone is different. If it is important to you, get some answers now. You may be able to suppress the issue for years and then it may come back. Why go through that? If she doesn't trust your love enough to talk to you, I personally would forget her. On the radio this morning they quoted a survey that said 90% of men would be honest about their past if the spouse asked and 95% of women would be honest. I believe that this is a factor in which couples must match. If she says that it's non of your business, that is a deal breaker. I still don't know my wife's story. I just know that what I was told before marriage was a lie.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Well, the question really is "can you handle it".
What if it is 100, 200, 300 partners, or more? 3-somes, 4-somes, orgies, or worse?
What if it involves rapes? What if it involves cheating? What if it involves abortions? What about sex abuse?
In my opinion, if you can handle all of that, then she should talk with you about it, so she can feel ok about it. She clearly doesn't because she hasn't told you.
But she might not want to lose you when you find out just how much there has been.
So, if you love her, really love her, and want to know so the air is clear, prepare yourself to know the worst, or the best, and be able to be there.
Truthfully some guys just can't handle it.
I figure most of us can, but girls don't think we can.
So, they lie, and we accept, and somehow we muddle along for a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): I think it depends on what is at stake here as to how deep into her past you feel you must look. If there is risk of STDs/STIs, then you definately ought to get some more information from her, since physical health trumps awkward conversations. Also, if this relationship is really serious, then I'd imagine there'd have to be at some point some disclosure on the subject... Just think about you being married to her off in the future with teenage children who you raised together... after all that experience would you accept the fact that you still don't know about her past? It's a tricky subject, but I hear your sense of it being lopsided - you have no play in the situation. It's not like she has a better hand than you, it's that you have no cards in your hand at all (sorry for sounding so crass), which must make you feel extremely vulnerable. If you do feel vulnerable, then you should let her know that, and let her know that the vulnerability is what needs addressing, not just her sex stats. Knowing her history is tangent to what I think you really want to know, which really is how solid you are in her life relative to all her previous lovers. good luck
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 September 2010):
All you need to do it look around on this board and see how many people post things to the effect of "Found this about my husband/wife after XX years of marriage. What shall I do?"
There is no "window" for this. If you need to know about her past, you need to ask. Its something I alwasys wanted to know - and in the long run I have never regretted knowing.
Smart decisions are always based on having the most complete information possible. Roll the dice without it and dont be surprised if you crap out in a few years......
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Whores get paid for the work they do.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Jen's advice below is very good.
As for this comment:
"I will add that my GF never regretted her sexual past. She took the experiences "as they were". To me, this was a clear indication she was a whore and wouldnt treat me special."
Is it any wonder women don't want to share this information when they get labelled 'whores' as a result? The woman being labelled here has slept with 'over ten guys', which is a very normal amount. And yet she's a whore?
This is a very unfortunate and unfair judgement.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Don't worry about her past. Believe me. You're better off not knowing. I pried into my fiancee's past, and now I can't get it out of my head. It's not worth it. If she won't tell you, it's probably because she sees no reason for you to worry about it. Most people who are insecure with their current relationship will want to divulge about their past relationships or sexual experiences because it reminds them (and you) that they've been wanted otherwise. It does nothing for the other person but make them focus and obsess and want to know more. So please, please, let it go. For your own sanity.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I see what people are saying here. But if it were me, I'd want to know. Fair is fair, right? She knows all about your history. If she was bold enough to ask about that, she should be willing to answer her own question. But you do NOT need all the gory details, just the general outline. If she's been with like twenty guys or something, that says something about her suitability as a long-term, monogamous partner. In a more casual relationship, it wouldn't matter so much. But moving across the country to live with someone is a life-changing decision, almost like getting married. In that case, you should know exactly who you're uprooting your life for.
Bear in mind that a girl admitting she's had many sex partners is as "shameful" as a guy admitting he's had none. She won't want to answer but if you mention some of the above points and ask in a very non-confrontational, non-judgmental way, she might be persuaded.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Also, I will add that my GF never regretted her sexual past. She took the experiences "as they were". To me, this was a clear indication she was a whore and wouldnt treat me special. Yos brings up some good points.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (27 September 2010):
You ask:
"How should I go about getting closure on this really important part of her past "
The simple answer is… you can't. Not like this at least.
Closure about our partners past doesn't come from asking questions and finding out 'more'. In fact that takes you further and further from closure. The more you learn, the more you'll end up having things to worry about.
Consider this: whatever you learn about her past is going to be unpleasant. Every piece for information is going to be about her having sex with another man. That's never going to be good.
She's being very normal and smart by not telling you. She knows that this information is just going to lodge itself in your head and give you stuff to get upset over.
You know what's really going on here right?
It's your insecurity driving your need to 'find out'. Your subconscious, your ego, is worried about 'measuring up' against these other men. Which is normal and natural behaviour too: but also self destructive.
You say:
"I don't really feel as though it's a big deal for me"
Well… that's just not true, is it? If it wasn't a big deal, you'd not be pushing her to tell you stuff she doesn't want to, and wouldn't be on this site.
So…
Don't confront her. That's no way to treat her!
Stop asking the questions. Accept that she 'regrets' part of her past, but that she's clearly happy with you now.
Understand that closure comes from stopping thinking about this, not by digging into it.
So do a 180 degree turn: decide that this doesn't matter to you. Have real closure: agree to never discuss it again, put it behind you and make a positive future with her.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (27 September 2010):
I would suggest you let it go. If you really only care because she won't tell you, then put yourself in her shoes.
She slept with people in the past, and is now in love with a man who hasn't. She isn't bummed that you don't know what you are doing, and she is probably glad that you have made no attempt to dredge up her past.
Remember this: she put her past in the past for a reason. You are her present for a reason. She loves you, and left all of her past behind to find you and be with you. So focus on the two of you, on what you do now and will do in the future.
And let it go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Wow. Hey bud!Listen, Im 25, a committed guy...only two relationships...nothing casual ever. EXCEPT...im losing my virginity in a crazy way in two weeks with three women. It was a BIG decision. I once had a girlfriend who slept with over ten guys, all drunk experiences, and as our relationship moved forward I resented her. Listen, I was so curious...and I was curious because I wanted to find out if she was a whore and she def was but that didnt settle in until my infatuation disappeared with her. I couldnt be with her because of her past, she didnt have a history of cheating, but was vulnerable and horrible at decision making thus creating a risk for our relationship. Not to mention when I was with the bitch sexually, she made me feel like every other guy she'd been with...it didnt feel right and I didnt feel special. You may ask yourself how can I sleep with three women my first time without knowing them? Im an emotional guy, i like attachment. However, because of my issues, thru counseling Ive learned to remove that emotion and approach my virginity as an objective to get it the eff out of the way. If I were you, Id be weary of moving across the country simply because of her past. If something doesnt feel right or if u question it in any regard, play it safe and break things off before you make a HUGE step into a possibility of a bad turnout of a relationship. In my opinion, and this may sound hypocritical, you shoulda saved yourself for someone with less experience so that way you wouldnt feel the need to maybe compare or be curious about sexual pasts. That was always my goal, now I dont give a shit...I just need to get laid lol. Its important to focus on the future, thats how we move on, in this case because she has a rather bad past its important you question it because it def could affect your relationship given you seem more committed and she may be vulnerable to temptation, make your decision on it, and move on. Good luck.
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