A
male
age
41-50,
*onny34
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years now and I truly love her. She is the girl of my dreams and she feels the same about me. The thing is I cheated on her about 3 years ago with one of her friends. I really don’t know why I did it as I was happy with my girlfriend at the time. It started when we had a drunken kiss in a club followed by numerous phone calls from her asking me to come round because she wanted sex. I ended up sleeping with her about 6 times over the course of 9 months. Men fall over themselvs trying to get her into bed so it gave me a real ego boost knowing that I could. I was never really attracted to her or loved her in any way and I can only think that was the reason I did it. After the first time of sleeping with her I carried on because I was scared to upset her as it might make her tell my girlfriend. I came to my senses and finished it with her and after she told me that she loved me. I made it clear that it was all a mistake and that I loved my girlfriend. She carried on texting me for sex and saying she loved me etc so I changed my number and haven’t heard from her in about 2 years. My girlfriend and her are no longer friends. I was so scared after as I really thought she was going to tell my girlfriend.The thing is I still feel so guilty. It might sound strange but I feel bad because I have got off for free. Telling my girlfriend really is not an option as I don’t have the guts and it would break her heart and end our relationship. I almost wish that she would cheat just to even things out but I know she never would. I know I could never do anything like that to her ever again but I still have an enormous amount of guilt. It’s like I have tainted our relationship and it won’t go away. I know I dont have a right to feel sorry for myself but does anybody else have a similar experience and does the guilt ever subside? My friends are no help. They just think its funny and tell me to keep sleeping with them both.One thing is for sure, I will NEVER cheat on her again.Thanks for readingp.s I know how much of an cheating scumbag I am, I don’t need anybody telling me but do feel free if you wish.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Dude, I'm having the same problem. I had phone sex with one of my friends involuntarily. Now I feel so guilty. I broke her trust. I love my girlfriend more than my life! :'( It's just so painful for me. I am 18 and my gf is 17. Can you guys suggest what to do?? I am young and need some suggestions from you guys
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Hi,
I am in a similiar position to yourself. Did she agree to marry you? How do you feel now?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Think of the guilt your now living with as punishment for what you have done. And also as a reminder never to do it again.Hopfully this experiance has made you a better person in that you will never cheat again. We all make mistakes and i think if you definitely know you will never cheat again then do not tell your girlfriend, this will only cause you and more importantly her ( the innocent party ) alot of pain.Let the guilt and heart ache thats eating you up inside be your punishment for cheating, dont put that upon her. It is your burden to carry for a long time. And let it stop you from cheating on anyone else ever again. I hope you guilt and heart ache stays with you as a reminder.(I know mine has stayed with me)Hope this has helped.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): devastated makes valuable points. Ronny, believe me darling, so many people know of your sexual release with her friend. its just a matter of time. secrets have a way of coming out. and your dirty secret is certainly on the way to be revealed!having said that what gulit do you actually suffer from. the guilt of doing wrong or the guilt that the gf may actually find out? too many people on this site say that they will not confess because the truth will be too hard for the innocent party to handle. this is bull. cheaters do not confess becuase THEY cannot handle the consequences, they they lie and cover up. just like you are doing. so many people know of your 9 months old affair. from the group of friends there will be one to blab. trust me on this one - someone will "innocently" let the secret out. especially during pillow talk or while out drinking with the friends. now that you want to propose to her, in the hope that this will keep her content, do you think this is the right thing to do. some much of uncertainty and deceit. you are panicked and you want to propose in order to lessen your guilt. whatever the reason, don't propose for the wrong reasons. then you will be the real scumbag, as you know you have been one in the past. your gf deserves to be told the truth, and if you do not tell her, someone else will. what would you want, you to tell her or her being humiliated by someone else. you cannot excuse your affair. you knowingly had sex with her friend. no one forced you. do not shift the blame to the other girl. in fact you were the ultimate betrayer. and you think you have gotten away scout free. don't be too sure of this.another real life story:my sisters bf, 2 years ago was caught out. he was having an affair for over 2 years, he, like you, covered his tracks so well. no one suspected him. not even me (and i am the utlimate PI. LOL) but all it took was an anon phone call to my sis, and the rest is history. i recieved a call from my sis telling me about this call. she couldn't verify anything. so i decided to investigate while he claimed innocence and a set up. by the time i finished with him i had identified the other woman. had photos. has a video to place him at joint events. proof of EVERYTHING. in the end he never knew what hit him since he was so smooth and he believed his affair was covered. BIG MISTAKE. what i am trying to tell you is this- the more you cover up, the more conniving you become.. the more lies and deceit and the betrayal. people break up not because of the affair, but because of the continous cover up and the lies that go with it. you further betrayed your gf by telling your friends about your affair. count how many people know . and be scared. actually very afraid. Suggestion: instead of proposing to her soon, tkae her away and sit and discuss what has happened. that is your clean slate. expect the normal tears, swearing, pain but at least it will be out in the open. as for you feeling guilty, i am actually astounded by cheaters saying that they feel guilty. try another one - doesn't wash with me. cheaters feel guitly because they are fearful of getting caught and facing the music. they think nothing of hurting the very ones they claim to love. Ronny, if you want to turn over a new leaf, you know what you need to do. if you want to continue being a coward then expect disaster when she finds out. but if you tell the truth, you have a better chance of salvaging your relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Tell her. You must be honest with the people you love.
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female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 I wasn't intending to make you paranoid, but sometimes we do things before we realize our underlying motive.
In your original post I didn't pickup on the fact that so many people know... affair partner and your friends. You're walking on dangerous territory... anyone of them could decide that she has a right to know especially now that you may get married.
Be sure you aren't getting married to tie her to you... I'm sure she would hesitate to leave if she found out after you were married, but she will feel so much more betrayed.
But if your decision is made... then you need to be sure from here on out that your behavior is ALWAYS transparent. No secrets, no suspicious internet behavior, no passwords on your phone, open email... understand? At least if she finds out later you can show her a pattern of TOTAL honesty and openness.
If your guilty conscience makes you act suspiciously her antenae is going to go up, she'll start asking questions, snooping ect... and in your case she will find something. In addition, once you start being secretive in one area, it makes you vulnerable to making bad choices.
The most important part though is total openness and honesty is going to help insure you don't fall into any more poor choices (keeps you accountable) and she isn't likely to look for something if your behavior is ALWAYS upfront here on out. Then in the worst case if she discovers down the road you will have already demonstrated your ability to change and be trustworthy.
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male
reader, Ronny34 +, writes (1 September 2009):
Ronny34 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
No i don’t wish for her to find out. I just figured that the internet is a big place and she will never see this.
You have made me paranoid now. I perhaps should not have put in so much detail.
Telling her is a non issue. Im not going to tell her. Partly because I dont have the courage to come clean and partly because she would be devastated and I dont think she would ever get over it emotionally let alone forgive me.
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (1 September 2009):
I meant to ask... you didn't post anonymously. Why? are you hoping she will discover and give you an excuse to come clean? Or does she not know you are online and this is dangerous secretive territory that you are playing with?Just wondering.
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male
reader, Ronny34 +, writes (1 September 2009):
Ronny34 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far guys. It’s made think of things a little differently.
It never occurred to me that if I did tell her then I would be hurting her to make myself feel better. NO WAY am I going to tell her. I will take it to my grave.
I forgot to mention before, I’m planning on asking her to marry me this weekend. That’s why I have been thinking about my problem more recently. I already spoke to her mom and dad and have their blessing. I’m taking her to Kephalonia because that’s where we had our first holiday together at 17 and I’m going to ask her on the same boat where I first told her I loved her. I’m not sure what she will say because she’s always talked about marriage like its way in the future and she’s just started a new job. She doesn’t know I’m taking her away yet. She thinks she’s just tagging along on a business trip of mine to Athens while I work. I want to marry her because I love her not through guilt but I do think it might help wipe the slate clean.
I will let you know what her answer is.
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (1 September 2009):
Your story really makes me think... I don't know if you should tell or not. If I found out later down the road I would feel like I lived a lie and question EVERYTHING... but the devastation that the betrayed feels is so painful... Anyway you didn't ask if you should tell so its irrelevent.
Does the guilt ever end? As a betrayed spouse, who still loves her ex... I certainly hope it does not. And in your case, I also hope it doesn't, not because I want you to be miserable but because it will keep the reality vivid for you. A reasonable amount of guilt will keep you clean.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Sorry I find myself disagreeing with a lot of the other Aunts/Uncles on here.
You have got to tell her. A relationship is based on trust. you have wronged her and she has a right to know. For gods sake you slept with this girl over 9 months, it wasnt one drunken night.
let me ask you if she slept with one of your friends would you want to know. And if she slept with one of your firends repeatedly over the course of 9 months would you stay with her?
Ask yourself those questions and if you are really sorry then do the right thing, be a man and tell her.
This is the sort of thing that will never ever go away until you deal with it.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 This is one of those mistakes made in life that are best kept hidden and buried.
If you love your woman deeply enough, telling her will only hurt her. She will be angry, and unless she is a very forgiving person, she will hold it over you forever. Its bad enough to be punished by yourself, but much worse when the woman you love dearly punishes you every day over it.
The only thing you can do is try and be the best man you can be for your woman. That's all you can do.
There are two schools of thought on men loving women. One school says that men should never put themselves in an inferior position to the women that they love. No apologies and no guilt.
The other school of thought is vastly different. That is that you have to earn her love everyday, just as she has to earn your love every day. When both of you have an emotional and substantial stake in the relationship, then a single incident of infidelity is easily surmounted, but there will be some scars there that never go away.
In your case, the best case scenario is simply to focus on your woman and forget about the past.
If she loves you and you love her, and there is a mutual respect going, then hurting her won't help either of you.
Just pay attention to her instead of other women, and as you promised since it won't happen again, she will always be happy because you came back to her instead of leaving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): I cheated on my husband. I told him. Do I wish I hadn't? yes and no. At the end of the day I did not need to because I had no real feelings for the other guy but I felt duty bound to tell my husband the truth. It created a lot of bad feeling and he still uses it against me 10 years later but at least I have not lied. My only concern is that one day someone will say something to your girlfriend - it could be in 6 months it could be in another 5 years. What happens then? At least my secret it out and I face it head on. I think you have to decide whether you can carry the burden or not. Being honest has its consequences but carrying guilt is like having a cloud hanging over you and all the times you look at your girlfriend when they should be happy moments are tainted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Okay, first of all, before someone tells your to do it...YOU ARE RIGHT, DO NOT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND. This won't lift the guilt instead it will just add misery and missing her to your current burden. As for whether the guilt will subside, only time will tell. There really isn't any way to predict that. What I do know is that you are NOT a scum-bag. Sure you cheated and that was a scum-bag move but good guys get tempted too. The fact that you know you were wrong, you stopped before it got serious and you came to this site means that you really do care about your girlfriend and I think for those reasons, you deserve to have your guilt lifted. But, like I said, time will tell... just love her right and don't the same mistake again man.
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male
reader, celestial  +, writes (1 September 2009):
Key line: "I will NEVER cheat on her again."
You have learn from your mistake, keep your guild, it made you better, embrace it, keep it as a reminder...
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