A
male
age
41-50,
*astor
writes:Dear Cupid,I’m having problems with my girlfriend. Let me start by saying that I love her very much and can’t imagine living my life without her. However, she has a lack of trust in me that I find very upsetting and hard to tolerate.In my youth I led a somewhat promiscuous life-style. I’m not ashamed of it nor would I wish to change it. But now, I’m a grown man, I have no interest in chasing women around anymore. In point of fact, I would like nothing more than to marry my girlfriend and have a couple of kids. However, I find myself unable to take this next step because of the frequent bouts of mistrust, suspicion and paranoia. I suppose you’re wondering what it is I’ve done to provoke this pattern of behaviour from my girlfriend, well it’s nothing as sinister as you might think. In past relationships I’ve had, it was not uncommon for me to make remarks about women’s attractiveness, likewise for my ex’s. If they saw a man they thought was uncommonly attractive they wouldn’t have any qualms about pointing him out. Don’t misunderstand me; I didn’t wonder around with my tongue hanging out or anything like that, it was merely observations, which were at worst brought up to tease yet dismissed just as quickly. I don’t think this was at abnormal or uncommon, I see my friends displaying exactly the same behaviour to their respective partners, teasing about who they find attractive and most having a list of celebrities whom they are “allowed” to sleep with should the opportunity ever arise. My girlfriend does not in any way; find this kind of thing funny or cheeky. This in it’s self wouldn’t be a problem except that I didn’t know of her disapproval when we first started seeing each other. One afternoon when we were having a quiet drink in a local bar, I made a harmless comment about the girl who worked on the bar and that I thought she was attractive. Nothing sleezy, just that I thought she was attractive. This resulted in a huge fight that I had trouble understanding. Fast forward to now, 3 years later I’m questioned about everything from women at work to why I have women other than her in my phone book on my mobile. Every time we do argue about this it always manages to circle back to that initial incident with the girl at the bar. Needless to say, I’m not perfect nor do I claim to be. Maybe I was naïve to simply assume everyone had a relaxed attitude towards casual observations about members of the opposite sex. Maybe it wasn’t naivety, maybe it was selfish ignorance and I deserve everything she throws at me. Try as I might, I cannot convince her to let go of what happened and move on. I know she’s trying, I know she’s had experience with dishonest and unfaithful men in the past and she has got better. I wish I had more patience, but after 3 years of the same argument I’m beginning to wonder if she’ll ever be able to fully trust me and stop punishing me for the actions of her old boyfriends that have left her with these insecurities. I am absolutely 100% determined not to let this pull us apart. I love her so much, she gives my life a quality I didn’t know existed and were it not for this problem she has, our relationship would be nothing short of perfect. If anyone has any advice, please, get involved. I’m all ears.Thanks for reading,Pastor
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at work, move on, my ex, teasing Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Caring Guy has a very valid point. It just might transpire that she is very very insecure and this one comment could be the thread that unravels the whole thing. She may hold on to this for the next few decades at which point you will tire of her constantly accusing you of cheating. When children and assets are involved it will become a much more painful affair than if you were to leave her now.
That said, I am almost convinced that there is more to the story than what we know. It seems very unreasonably for a woman to hold this type of a grudge for three years! Over a simple comment. I think she must be uncomfortable with something else such as your past...
Have you tried asking her?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 April 2010):
You can think as much as you like, and want as many suggestions as you like. But if her confidence is that low, and she is that untrusting after three years, the situation is that she will not change. No matter what you do, what you say or what anyone else says to her or suggests, nothing will change. If you'd cheated and she was still acting this way, I'd say that she still needed to get over it and you needed to give her time. But you never cheated. All you did was remark that another woman was attractive. That wasn't cheating. And now you're being checked over everything you do. You may think right now you can handle it, and maybe you will for another few years. But at some point, you will be sick of it and you will end it. I know, because that's what has happened to every other couple that has this problem of jealousy. At some point, the person who is always being questioned and probed reaches the moment they can't take it anymore. Think very carefully, because this is the woman you may buy a house with, have kids with and such. And you don't want to have a house where there is no trust, and certainly you don't want to bring children into a house where their mother is always distrusting, as it will affect them seriously. Think very carefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Are you sure this is the only thing that your girlfriend is upset over? You mentioned that you had quite a promiscuous past and perhaps your partner might be feeling some jealousy over that or it could be that she is worried that you may revert to your old ways and leave her. Has she mentioned anything along those lines?
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A
male
reader, Pastor +, writes (15 April 2010):
Pastor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can understand why someone from the outside might think that. But that is simply not an option. I love her far too much to even think about it. If I have to put up with it for the rest of my life, I will. I was just hoping someone might have an idea, something that I’d not thought of maybe.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 April 2010):
I think perhaps the time has come to move on if it's got this bad. 3 years on and she's questioning you for no reason, other than you once said someone else was attractive. There comes a time where you have to ask yourself whether you can live like this. From what you've read, you really have poured effort into this. I think it's now time to consider leaving.
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male
reader, Pastor +, writes (15 April 2010):
Pastor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you input.
To “YouWish”,
While I appreciate your opinion, I feel that you assume too much. Since the initial incident I have never commented on any other women. I’m actually quite insulted that you would think I would intentionally attempt to hold her in a state of emotional unbalance. That is the exact opposite of what I’m trying to achieve. Furthermore, she is not only loved, she is worshipped! I constantly assure her that she is the only one for me when we’re at home I find it difficult to leave her alone, I’m always hugging and kissing her, telling her how breath takingly beautiful she is. None of this seems to make a difference.
To “CaringGuy” & “0801819p”,
I feel that you both understand where I’m coming from and believe me I’ve tried all of things you’ve suggested time and time again. Let me give you an example of something recent that had provoked argument, so that you can better understand what I’m up against. Twice a week I attend a martial arts class. Many months ago, one of the women who trains there (we’ll call her Jane) had a tire blow out on her car. I have a friend who deals in car tires and allows me have them at discount price. So I took Jane’s number so that I could get a price for her and let her know how much it was going to cost to replace her tire. Last week Jane sent me a text message to tell me she and her boyfriend had just found out that she was pregnant and wouldn’t be training for the next few months. That evening my girlfriend and I were telling each other about our day, she has met Jane once or twice so I mentioned that she had text me and told me she was pregnant, the conversation moved on and it wasn’t until later that night that my girlfriend began to question me on why and for how long I’d had Jane’s number. After that was explained I was questioned about how often we talk on the phone or text each other (the answer, by the way, is only the one time regarding the tire). I won’t go into details, but the argument last almost all night. Now the questions, I don’t mind so much, it’s the suspicion and accusations that are at the root of the questions that hurt me so much.
To summarise I would use the analogy that I feel like I’m being constantly questioned about a crime I’m innocent of and despite being able to provide evidence of my innocence, the detective still won’t believe my lack of guilt.
I hope that all makes sense. I wrote it in a bit of a hurry.
Regards,
Pastor
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 Why do you have to make comments about other women's attractiveness to her? Seems to me like you want to keep her emotionally off balance in order to keep the upper hand in your relationship. It's implied that you'll leave her for someone else if she gets out of line. Why not, when you see a pretty lady, say "she's hamburger and you're a filet mignon". Build HER up and compliment HER. Remember the song "I only have eyes for you"? I know you're a man and appreciate beauty, but with her, treat her like she's the best and everyone else is hideously ugly. Boost her security and confidence rather than tear her down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): If you love this woman and this is the ONLY problem and the fights are infrequent I really think that you should give her as much time as she wants even if its a decade.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 April 2010):
3 years of the same argument really is something. It so easily turns to 4, 5, 6 and 7 years. The post below really offers great advice, but I would imagine that in the past 3 years you have tried a lot of that, such has having no secrets, not mentioning other women and being very open. But there will come a time that if things have not changed, you may need to leave. And I think you may need to be honest about that. I think you should have a very serious discussion with her and explain once and for all that you realize you screwed up in saying what you did, but that after 3 years there should be some change and now her behaviour is starting to push you away. She may well have a massive go back and even end it. But like I said, you really can't be expected to continue this way through this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Nitru  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Hi. Your girlfriend seems to be too jealos. Having arguments about women who aren't her, seems like she wants to be the only women you ever see or talk to in the world in your whole life. However she has to understand that that is impossible because the world is full of other women. She also has to understand that not every woman is going to want you for themselves and that you aren't going to run off with some other woman and leave her all alone. Maybe you should just take her face in your hands and look straight into her eyes and say you aren't going to do anything like that ever. I did that with my boyfriend, hes not totally relaxed but hes calmed down, then again he hasn't been so pumped up about it either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): If you haven't already stop making comments about how attractive other women are. Some people are comfortable with their partners pointing out members of the opposite sex whilst others like your girlfriend are not. If it makes her uncomfortable and its something unimportant to you then stop doing it. Three years is a long time to hold a grudge, but having had experiences in the past where boyfriends have hut her its not surprising that she is acting like she is. The best thing to do in this situation is to reassure her and make her feel secure in the relationship. Do that by not doing anything that might make her suspicious. For at least a little while, become completely transparent and let her know about your whereabouts, who you are texting etc. It may seem like you are giving up your privacy but if you really love her then it shouldn't be too hard to do. Finally, you just have to let her get over it. Its been a while but you did say she is getting better. Let her talk to you about what she is feeling, her insecurities and in time she will let this go.
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