A
male
age
36-40,
*ointblank41
writes:My girlfriend broke up with me one month ago and it absolutely broke my heart. We had been dating for two years and she decided to end it about a week after our two year anniversary.I have taken this hard and she has given me reasons for why she did it. She feels like I was smothering her and wasn't giving her enough space, she thinks I was keeping her from hanging out with her friends, and she feels that I had anger management issues. I have been going to counseling ever since and we have determined that I am an emotional abuser. I am now trying to get help so that I can stop my abuse pattern so that I will never do this to anybody ever again. Stress would build up to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore and I would flip at the smallest thing she did wrong. All of our arguments were over the smallest things but I would blow them out of proportion. I have asked for a second chance and told her what I am trying to do to correct everything. I never really knew that I had this problem until after we broke up. I am trying all I can to get myself better for both her and myself. She keeps telling me that she is done and that even if she thinks I deserve a second chance that she doesn't know if she can ever forget the hurt I put her through.You truly don't know what you have until it's gone and it is unfortunate that it has taken this for me to realize what I had been doing.Is there any chance that down the line she can forget about what I had done. She truly loved me and I love her more than anything and I am willing to do anything I can to correct my problems and get back on the right track. Can a person ever give a second chance after something like this?
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male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (4 November 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni actually met her today and we talked for about an hour. Not about getting together or anything like that, I just needed to have a candid talk with her and let her know how i feel. She is seeing a grad student and I am happy for her. She let me know somethings that had happened that she wasnt totally honest with me before and it felt pretty good to have closure on the whole ordeal.
Right now I just needed closure and I do not want to cut ties with her because I don't know what may happen in the future. I flat out told her that I want to remain in contact so that if things ever heated up again we could start over.
The best thing to do is to give her time to heal and do the same for your self. The first few months are very emotional times and you both need time to forgive one another and not look back with negative feelings on one another. My main issue right now is that my ex is having trouble trusting me and seeing my sincerity so that is something I want to give her time for. Just try to go out and meet new people and don't pry or interfere with your ex's life. Just be happy for her and find a way to make your self happy.
I know it's tough but it's just something you have to do. And who knows what the future might hold.
A
male
reader, ed04168 +, writes (4 November 2008):
Any new news? I think I am definitely in the same situation but I also think that my ex is trying to decide between me and her ex from before.
The last communication we had was that I wanted nothing to deal with her anymore through an email. She had agreed on a dinner this week but I didn't like how she was ignoring my calls and how she didn't miss me. I decided to cut her off and asked her to return my money. She did so but i think I made her mad since I did not answer any of her calls. We communicated on sms instead.
I sent her a sms to say no hard feelings the other day though but no response. I did not expect one anyways.
I think I need to work on my life now. I do miss her but I think what I did might have destroyed any chance of us getting back together again.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 She broke up with you but still wanted to have you "dangling" but you took things into your own hands and deleted her which is great! You can't just be her friend which I totally understand and this has dented her ego so now she is emotionally blackmailing you, trying to make you feel guilty. Rise above it! Ignore her emails and don't answer her. Block them even so she can't get in touch with you any more. Boy aren't you glad you found out exactly what she can be like? Can you imagine living with someone like that??? You don't need to take that shit from her or anyone else. Be your own person and do what YOU want to do. Personally, I think you had a lucky escape! Forget about her, you deserve much better.
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (16 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Monday I deleted her from Facebook and Myspace and told her that I couldn't be her friend anymore because all of this is still painful and I told her not to contact me. The next day she emails me and is saying how she has never been so angry in her life and takes back everything she had said that she had done last wednesday. So now she is putting all the blame on me again and she also is accusing me of using mind games against her and trying to guilt her and make her feel bad.I feel like cutting all contact from her is reasonable because why keep talking to her if she doesn't want to be with me and it still hurts? So now she is saying how angry she is and is blaming me for everything.Every thing she says is contradictory with everything she said last week and it seems like each day that she talks to me something different comes out. I guess she wanted to keep me in her life but I just can't do that. I am not willing to become a friend or a fallback plan for her in case in a few months she wants to get back. She also said that I have forced her to dive back into the dating pool so she can move on with her life. How on earth have I forced her to start dating people again? I just can't comprehend what is going on through her head. I know I have a lot of issues that I am working through but I definitely think that she should seek some professional help as well. I am going to just cut all ties with her but what do you think she is trying to do? I'm not sure if she is just very confused or is just playing mind games with me now.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 October 2008):
You have to leave it at that I'm afraid. If you continue to contact her then she'll just see you as a nuisance. She's had plenty of time to think about getting back with you and as time's gone on, it's got clearer that going back is not the right answer. You need to get on with your life now (unless SHE gets in touch with you again). I know you'll be hurting right now but things will get better. Close the door on it... once one door closes another one opens.
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (14 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here is the latest update. My friend talked to her last week after she first initiated contact with me and she asked if she wanted to get back with me. She told my friend that she didn't know and that she already gave me my chance. So my friend went to dinner with her last night and asked again and this time she gave a flat out no. So I called my ex and asked her what was going on. She paused and said hesitantly, "what do you mean?" I asked her why she talked to me Monday and then again on Wednesday and why she had apologized Wednesday. I said that I thought maybe she was testing the water but she said that she was just being friendly. I told her that I believe I deserve a second chance and she said that she would give me a second chance but that she just doesn't see me the way she used to. She says that she has lost the way which she used to see me and that she doesn't want me in a relationship. So obviously this hurts a lot. I don't think that there is any underlying hidden message or meaning to this since it's pretty clear enough. I just don't know why she would tell my friend a week ago maybe and then no it's a flat out no. I was hoping that there were still feelings there for me and this was probably the worst scenario I wanted to see happen. Any thoughts on what I can do or do you think that it is better to just end everything?I still after almost two months of being apart love her and I still want to be with her. I know I can't force her to see me the way she used to, it's just something that naturally happens. Any thoughts?
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 October 2008):
She IS testing the water, she wants to see if you're "needy" so always come across as assertive, don't say you miss her or want to get back with her again, leave that to her, (woman like their men to be assertive and like to chase.)
If you ever talk to her by IM, always be the first to leave and don't wait for her to say she has to go. That way she sees you have a life too which doesn't revolve around her. She's giving thoughts to having another go so that's a positive sign. Just play it cool and don't be the first one to text or IM her all the time. Like I said before "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Let her miss you... if she does then it won't be long before you hear from her again and when you do ALWAYS sound positive.
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (12 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's another update. So she IMed me on Monday and we had a nice chat. She IMed me again on Wednesday and apologized for not telling me she was unhappy and she also said that it's ok to be angry sometimes and it's healthy to get it out. She said that things weren't as bad as she made them seem and then asked if my parents or siblings hated her. I thought things were looking up but on Thursday I IMed her just to chat about random things and not us. The entire conversation was one sided because I was doing all of the talking and all I was getting from her were two word responses. One of my ex's and my mutual friends has been putting good words in for me and she talked to my ex and says that my ex is debating whether or not to give me another chance. She said that she thinks my ex is testing the waters and taking baby steps right now and that is why she didn't say much on Thursday. My friend thinks that she didn't say much Thursday because she wasn't the one to initiate things. Since Thursday my ex has not talked to me. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. One day I think everything is going great but the next day it's like I have started at the very beginning.What could be going through my ex's mind and what can I do to help the situation?
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (10 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is one to keep things close to her heart. She is not very confrontational and I suppose that when I got angry sometimes that she was afraid to verbalize how she felt. She also is somewhat insecure sometimes and she has no reason to be. She didn't think the people at her work liked her and she didn't think my family liked her very much when in fact they absolutely loved her.
I just find it odd that she is now admitting her faults. I also find it odd that she cares about what my family thinks of her. I was thinking that maybe she is having second thoughts about the breakup and is asking whether or not they still like her in case she gets back with me. Maybe she is wondering if they will like her if she gets back with me?
I am trying to take things real slow and am trying to not pressure her to do anything she is not ready for. If we get back together I want it to be on our terms and not just mine or hers.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 October 2008):
She knows she made you feel bad when you broke up and she's apologising for that. She seems to be a girl that keeps things close to her chest and finds it difficult to express herself. In the 2 years you were together, this seems like the first time you've ever actually talked candidly to one another. She can see you're changing, you've turned things around and she respects you for that. Keep it up!
Sounds as if she thought she wasn't very liked by your siblings. You could maybe ask her if they ever gave her any indication that they disliked her and that this was not the case (if that is true). Communication is one of the cornerstones to a happy, successful relationship. Continue to talk, don't put any pressure on her to get back together (if anything, this should come from her). Just take things one day at a time and see how it goes.
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (9 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo an update as of today. She IMed me again tonight and we started talking more about us. I told her of my progress and I told her of how sorry I am that I hurt for and she actually apologized to me. She said that she never verbalizes her emotions and when she was feeling terrible she didn't tell me so I didn't know.
She also asked if any of my siblings hated her and said how she really like my mom.
It seems odd that she would apologize and say that she did something wrong. I also find it odd how she wants to know if my siblings like her or not.
Do you think that she is feeling guilty over what happened or just regretful? I find it strange how quickly her attitude seems to be turning around.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 I am 99% sure that she misses you. Girls will very rarely "groom" guys into being friends. We don't work that way. :)
Send me a message if you need to talk.
masq
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (8 October 2008):
It sounds to me like she's missing you. She's wondering where you are you see and why you haven't gotten in touch (which she assumed you would have). Good for you, this certainly sounds very positive. Remember the saying I gave you earlier... (winks)
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (8 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is a brief update. I am continuing my counseling and it is helping tremendously. I did not talk to her for since last Monday, September 29th because I figured if she wanted space then space is what she would get. Out of the blue last night, she instant messages me and we had a very nice, friendly, 15 minute chat about the current election and all the political satire on tv and what not.
I didn't mention us or ask what she had been doing the past week because I didn't want it to seem like I was desperate and I didn't want to upset her or myself.
I was talking to one of my ex's and my mutual friends last night and she seems to think that my ex missed me and decided to IM me to test the waters so to speak. I was just really excited and happy to hear from her, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I hope that this was a sign that she is starting to come around and not just a sign that she is trying to groom me into being a friend.
Any thoughts?
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 October 2008):
First of all well done to you for getting the help for your emotional abuse, this couldn't have been an easy decision for you to make. Okay, YES there is every chance she will give things another go with you, there's always chances in this world. Meantime, continue with the therapy and THINK POSITIVE thoughts about you two getting back together. Be balanced about things though, don't pressure her to try again and don't seem too needy or desperate around her as this will send her running in the opposite direction. Give her time to miss you!
In time you could suggest asking her out for a coffee but tell her it's AS FRIENDS! (Keep the pressure off her). Keep busy, focussed and of course positive! There's an old saying: "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were..."
Keep in touch and let us know how it turns out.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, pats girl +, writes (5 October 2008):
give it time you guys are not over yet she just needs time to figure it all out she is very hurt because of what happened
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A
male
reader, Pointblank41 +, writes (4 October 2008):
Pointblank41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for the advice. She has always been the type of person in the past where she wouldn't take an ex boyfriend back. Just after two years, I can't see this being over. I know I have to show her that I am becoming a changed person and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. Right now I am trying to give her space to get happy and clear her head as I do the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): I don't know if she will take you back, but it does sound like you need to be on your own for awhile. Don't beat yourself up over having emotional problems. Most people don't find out what's wrong with them until they get into a relationship. Just take some time off, work on yourself. When you reach the point where you can be happy on your own, that's probably the time you are ready to be in a relationship again.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711 +, writes (3 October 2008):
This will sound cliché, but I truly do believe that love conquers all. Right now it may seem slightly hopeless to you, but I would advise that you focus on your therapy and on your personal issues. Above all, try to improve for your own reasons and for YOURSELF. Being angry does the opposite of making you happy (obviously). The whole point of therapy is to focus on yourself and look deep inside yourself to deal with your issues. It really has nothing to do with her, though that may be why you decided to start seeking help in the first place. But now that you're getting help, you should be doing it primarily for yourself.
Speaking from a girl's perspective, it's easy for you to say you'll change and that you love her and you didn't want to lose her, but you have to back it up with actions, because ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. You need to prove to her that you have changed. How you do this is up to you. You know her well, you know what will speak to her the loudest. Draw on the knowledge you've gained of her over the past two years and use it. You know what she responds to.
In the end, only she can tell you if she can give you a second chance. Personally, if I were in her shoes, I would come around. But she is a completely different person from me. So your answer will come if or when she decides to take you back.
Good luck with everything going on. I'll be praying for you.
masq
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