A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just have a question about an ex. I met this girl through work, we flirted and it was as clear as day she was interested. But things were kind of weird, she was also flirting with two other guys at my work. I ended up leaving for a few weeks and when I came back, she was dating one of the other guys, who was also my friend. I didn't understand but I moved on and let them date. The funny thing was, that she kept flirting with me the whole time they were dating. They dated for around 7 months and then she started calling me and telling me she really liked me. At this point she was living with the guy and they were supposed to be madly in love, according to him. I told her that if she wanted me she needed to dump him and move out. But instead she told me she had dumped him and was in the process of moving out, when we started dating. It didn't really feel right dating her while she was living with another guy, but she swore she wasn't doing anything with him and nothing seemed wrong with her. I guess that was a red flag, but I brushed it aside. Eventually she ended up moving out, pushed him out of the picture, and we started dating officially. I ended up moving in with her after a month or two. At this point she told me she loved me and wanted me to move in. I really liked her and I was blind to all the red flags. We ended up dating for 9 months. It was great, the ideal relationship. But 2 months prior she started talking about a new guy at our work. At this point I had secured another job and didn't work there anymore. It made me think a little, because she showed signs of interest with this other guy. Over the course of a few weeks she was really distant towards me, and this new guy was calling all the time.She claimed that they were "just friends" but I didn't buy it, sensing the same thing happend with me, and the previous guy. Except I was the new guy who was calling all the time. I did some investigating and pretty much figured out she was cheating. She kept telling me she was working late, but it was clear as day what she was doing. When I confronted her she just got mad at me every time i mentioned cheating. We eventually broke up, I moved out. And a few weeks later she gave up her apartment and moved in with this new guy. I feel bad for the guy because I think she just does this with everyone. I ended up talking to my friend (the previous guy) and he told me when they were living together there was no break up and they were sleeping together. Which is messed up cause she was messing around behind his back with me. And then she did the same thing to me. When he was telling me all the stuff she said and did for him it was like a broken record. Even down to the telling him she loved him after a month or two. Its like she's got this down to a science and routine. Telling guys she loves them, living with them, leading them on to thinking marriage is in the future, then cheating. Now she's been with this new guy for almost a year now, she told him she loved him after a month, moved in and he ended up proposing to her after they were dating for 3 months. Then she got pregnant. What I want to know is, Will she end up cheating on him? I feel bad for him because he's in deeper than i ever was, they're having a child together and are engaged. But I have a feeling once a cheater always a cheater. Plus this isn't the first time she's been engaged, according to her, she's been proposed to several times, and I'm guessing the guys weren't the ones to break it off. I don't blame him for her cheating on me, he's just a guy who was in the right place at the right time, another victim of hers, so to speak. But Do you think she'll cheat again? And what can I do to prevent myself from dating another girl who might cheat? I just rubs me wrong knowing that she probably never meant anything she ever said to me, but it seemed so sincere, when she said she loved me. What do you think, am I wrong? will she always be a cheater? And Why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You first have to ask yourself what you liked about her? What made you feel the need to get with her after knowing the kind of girl she is? What attracted you about her? If you accept her and are conscious of how she is and why she is like that then be with her. You have to be realistic though,a girl like that may carry many problems that if you end up with her your carrying the cross as well. My opinion is stay away from her because clearly she does'nt seem serious and may end up hurting you, you should consider staying away and just thinking to yourself what you liked about her to find a solution to your desire of being with her. Find ways to avoid her she's no good. Would you see her as a mother with your kids? Just be very real and aware of your decisions. My advice is move on, hard but possible.
Stay strong.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): She may, she may not. Life is much more complicated for some people.
If she doesn't get into counseling and figure out why she does what she does and make a profound effort to change then I'd say she has a 100% chance of doing the same thing to the father of her child/children, etc.
TimmD and others about male/female and father/daughter relationships bring up very important things.
What can you do in the future?
Be cautious, be aware, but also know for certain that you cannot be certain that anyone will never cheat on you. The only person you can control is yourself.
People leave their spouses and cheat for many reasons, they don't always even know themselves (only think that they do). It has often little to do with "you" even though it seems like that is what they are saying "it's all your fault" or what you are feeling at the time.
Controlling yourself is no guarantee that you won't have this done to you, but it is the best guarantee that you will do well if it happens to you. Develop a strong sense of self, if you don't have it already, it will stand you in good stead as you get older.
But this doesn't mean that the person is "bad". Keep that in mind. I've lived this, unfortunately. My wife, who is as wonderful as I could have ever hoped for and the mother of our children (the only ones we both have) cheated on me after several years of marriage. She'd been depressed, and had been having a fixed idea, for a couple of years or more, that I was going to leave her (I wasn't and hadn't thought of leaving and in fact any problems we had I thought we worked through pretty well), and to make a long story short she nearly left me for another man. Me, I think this is about me for a long time. Eventually the entire story (terrible to hear but far more damaging and terrible to live through) came out, neglect, abuse, rape, you name it. All before I met her, none of this was "me" but was what I was "triggering" from the past. With counseling and recognition of what she was reacting to (I didn't really have to change...but after hearing this story I could not help but be different) she became very different. This story she told was something that she never wanted anyone else to know, not me, not our kids, and not anyone else (not even the counselor)...and that was at the root of her nearly leaving. She knew that if anyone ever knew this story that they would not stay with her, that her (our) children would not like her, and that she would die old and alone. I, naturally as a caring and inquisitive husband, asked questions. The guy she nearly left me for, he wasn't going to be asking any questions, ever, I knew him a little, sort of a happy go lucky sort with not much going for him intellectually, to say the least.
But that was very attractive at that point in life, when the past was something that was hopefully to be hidden deep and dark and never dug up again.
Questions can be very explosive (like holding a candle and walking into a gunpowder storage room).
I hope you have had a good life to this point.
If you have then keep in mind that there is a lot of pain to go around out there and all you can do is try to make each day a little better for everyone that you interact with.
No matter how shitty your day is, no matter how brightly the smile is on the person you are talking to, their day may have been so shitty that they want to blow their brains out when they go home, despite the bright cheerful smile, which is what one of my friends brothers did, what one of my colleagues did, and what the wife of one of my colleagues did....and that's just the ones who used guns.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Will she cheat again? Oh yea... no doubt about it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Yeah she will, she's a serial cheater/man-eater.
Why? Because she can, that simple really, you must have guy friends that are players right? You ever hear their stories, hear the things they actually get away with? Crazy isn't it?
I have some friends like that and women just fall all over them, they have looks and charm, they know it and they try the craziest of crap and most of the time it works. They think it's great fun and seeing as it pretty much always works they've never had to change their behaviour. Once one girl goes they know they can have another very easily.
This girl is the same. She's never been called out on this, because (please don't be offended by this) there will always be another fool who will ignore all the red flags. Always will be.
Why would she change, when this works perfectly for her? There are plenty of suckers who will believe her when she says she's still living with her "ex", sleeping in the same bed but "nothings happening". Honestly dude, that's the most implausible thing I've ever heard.
Actually man I think she most likely did mean those things she said to you about liking you and you being special to her etc. Only the facts of her relationships were lies. She's just a "honeymoon" girl. What I mean is she loves the initial honeymoon period of a relationship, the initial passion and intensity, the fire. Once that starts to fade she looks for it in another person.
This is her and how she chooses to live her life, she doesn't see anything wrong in it because she's probably one of these girls that's been absolutely devastated by one of her exes or betrayed by her great love and just doesn't care anymore, nor trust guys long term. So she could be preempting that by moving on instead of getting hurt again.
You see she's completely afraid of long term commitment and comfort for some reason, so as soon as that starts to develop she runs for the hills. I knew a girl like that before, she had become jaded by love, couldn't trust guys because the two she fell in love with, fell out of love with her after the initial honeymoon period these guys started to get really annoyed that she was a natural flirt. You see she was completely faithful to these guys but a very audacious and natural flirt. These guys thought she'd change. So she didn't change but she fell completely in love with them and though, because they pretended so in the beginning, that they accepted this part of her but they didn't and they crushed her.
She became like your ex and now doesn't have any qualms about using her sexuality to get what she wants and as soon as guys start to get comfortable she seeks the love of another guy. That initial passion that makes a guy ignore the red flags, this is the only passion she trusts because it's the only time in a relationship when guys ignore her flaws in the hopes they'll go away.
Your exes new guy is absolutely screwed. I mean if you think you had it bad she is going to ruin him and he is stuck with her for the rest of his life because they share a kid. Honestly man you had a lucky escape.
"And what can I do to prevent myself from dating another girl who might cheat?"
This:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
Dude, never ignore red flags ever again.
Never get with a girl that is living her "ex".
Never get with a girl who is just out of a relationship, a lot of the time they're not actually out of that relationship.
Past behaviour is always an indication, always. People love to say "the past is the past" it's not though, it's actually who we are. We all make mistakes and that's fine, once. But if a person keeps making the same one over and over then that's not a mistake that's a consistent pattern of behaviour and that only means it's a behavioural aspect of their personality.
You learned a harsh lesson but you need to learn the lesson properly and always follow through on that.
If your head and your gut says something is up, listen to that and think about it. Don't just ignore it and hope for the best just because your heart tries to convince you to. Always sit and think about it, always consult the people you trust for another opinion and try and follow the general advice they give you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 you might as well start over, sounds like this one is a gal that likes variety.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (29 December 2010):
I tend to agree w TimmD below.
If there is one absolute I have discovered in dating women - if there was only one thing about dating that I could pass on to my future son - it is this.
Early on in relationship, ask the prospective female how her relationship with her father is and has been. If you receive any answer other than "amazing" - run, run fast and run far. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, run.
In all my experience of dating, the one constant I have found for a females emotional stability is a strong positive bond with the first male in her life - her dad. If that bond does not form, I speculate the problem is they will always have a problem in some way with male relationships. The empirical data I have on this is extensive and almost without exception.
Do what you wish with this information.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (29 December 2010):
 I think there were many red flags here, and you already know them: constant flirtations with many men at the same time; moving in quickly; getting bored and then starting a new relationship soon after.
The real question is why you chose to ignore those red flags and get yourself into an ultimately destructive relationship. Was she very beautiful? Charming? Sexy?
I know it is easy to see in hindsight or objectively, and when you are involved in the relationship it is a whole different story. But I would say that you should be more objective next time before plunging into something like this only to get your heart broken, and not get carried away by a female's charms.
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reader, Kilcardy +, writes (29 December 2010):
Some people are referred to as "attention whores" (they could be male or female). They boost their low self-esteem not from within, but by garnering attention from the opposite sex at any cost and without consideration for who they may be hurting. This girl has all the signs. She sounds completely messed up. Unless she has some sort of epiphany soon, she will most likely end up alone and miserable only because looks fade and she can only play the game for so long before her cover is blown. Who knows what wreckage she will leave in her wake, though. So, to answer your question "will she cheat again?" Will the sun rise in the East tomorrow? Of course she will. Luckily for you, it's no longer your problem.
As for protecting yourself in the future, keep you eyes wide open and trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. If you are interested in a legitimate relationship with someone, you want someone who has integrity (is not an incorrigible flirt or a cheater), is kind, and cares about other people. If the object of your interest is not only flirting with you, but two or three other guys at the same time...that's an obvious red flag. Take things slow. Look to see how the girl you are interested in interacts with others. If she treats other people like crap...guess what? She will probably treat you like crap as well. Is she angry? Is she jealous of others? Is she overly materialistic? Is she dishonest? All of these are indicators of potential problems down the road. Also, while it is difficult at times, don't be fooled by a pretty face. Look to what the girl does, not what she says. Words are easy. It's action that counts in a relationship. If she says one thing, and then contradicts what she says by her actions, well that's a red flag as well.
Nobody likes to be taken for a ride or used. It is irritating, but it happens to all of us at some point in our lives. Count your lucky stars that it wasn't you who got this train-wreck of a girl pregnant. Learn from this episode. Just because some babe winks at you doesn't mean you have to go whole hog and jump right into a relationship with her. Do your due diligence first before you unzip your heart again.
One last piece of advice: Be very wary of dating people you work with. If you can avoid it, all the better. If you can't avoid it, double the precautions I listed above before proceeding. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (29 December 2010):
 She's broken. Whether it is due to her childhood or something that has happened in her past, she's just incapable of having a traditional relationship. The thing is, she most likely has honest intentions. That is what's so screwed up about it. That's how she gets so many guys. She means what she says when she says she loves you, etc. But for some reason she's just incapable of being in a relationship long term. Will she do it again? I'd say there's a 99% chance that she will. If anything is going to get her to change it would have to be something major, like having a child, so there is a small chance she may learn from this, however I doubt it.
There are those out there that are completely sleazy and go into relationships "playing" their partners with no intention of staying with them. Then there are those like your ex who are just not capable of a relationship. How do you avoid something like this in the future? Well, you must learn to stop ignoring the signs you are given ahead of time. First warning sign: Flirting with you and 2 other guys in the beginning making it seem like you all have a chance. Second sign: Flirting with you while dating this other guy. Third: Dating you while living with this other guy. Right there you should have already known not to get involved. Unfortunately, it's only human to hope she's still looking for the "one" in her life and that it could still be you. Unfortunately, we're just letting our lust override our logic. It happens to us all, so don't beat yourself up too bad about it.
Just out of curiosity, what do you know about her childhood? Did she have a conventional upbringing? (both parents together?) Siblings? Any tragedies?
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reader, Jaymb88 +, writes (29 December 2010):
Dude she will always be a cheater just for the simple fact that she has done it so many times. Most women can cheat on you with no remorse especially if they have a history of it. For example my ex girlfriend of six months cheated on me over the internet with about six guys but i gave in and she came back. She just left me for some other idiot when we supposed to be having a kid. If the girl is actign differently than she was when you two met and you havent done anything to make her act that way thats usually a sign she is cheating or has someone else. If she struggles to tell you she loves you or rarely wants to talk to you or be around you and makes up excuses why she doesnt want to or cant then its time to cut it loose man the pain and heartache aint worth it trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Your instincts where right but you just didn't listen to them (she was flirting with others and was living with another guy!) - so there's every chance that you'll avoid in future.
Having a baby will probably change her - but that's not your problem.
Get on with your own life.
Tough but fair.
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