A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I am 21, slept with 25ish guys (never counted properly because I am too scared to. I just know its less than 30 more than 15) Anyway. I started talking to boys in a more than friends type of way when I was 15 and since then I have spoken to about 60+ boys in this way. Now that I am older and understand my worth more I've stopped entertaining and sleeping with the opposite sex so freely. Is it unreasonable for me to have high standards now because of my promiscuous past? and is it weird that I am 21, pretty, got a good personality, have no problem attracting guys, spoken to tons in a romantic way but I have never had a boyfriend?Will someone see past my past and love me? because I think I deserve the best but I don't know if the best will want me because of my past.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): The answers here are very disturbing. You say that your past was necessary for you to be you are today and this is true. Therefore, any man whom may be considering you for a relationship does not deserve to be deceived. Any suggestion that you do so is disgraceful and humiliates any potential boyfriend.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (15 February 2013):
you dont owe ANYONE an explanation or a total count of who you have done anything with. I would advise you lie about it, yes be dishonest, because many people are ridiculous enough not to let the past go. what happened before is your own business and nobody elses, it doesnt impact on you now, it happened and its finished. any man who has a strong interest in who or how many you have slept with is shallow and immature.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Some guys will be put off by your past. But, you can't change it so the key now is to find someone who's OK with it.
My impression is that many men are put off by a woman who's been promiscuous in the past because they're afraid they won't measure up to some of her past lovers, and the woman will cheat on them. If you find someone you are crazy about, let him know he really is special. It probably won't be a cure all in every situation, but you might was well do what you can, and not spend time and energy on things you can't change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Some guys are totally okay with it. Others don't like it but would accept it. Others would rather not know. Others would be very put off by it and would want to know before they got serious with you. You don't owe anyone else your history. You can always say, "I don't want to talk about that" when you don't. But you do owe people honesty. You owe it to people not to mislead them. That means no lying, no lying by omission, and don't say things so misleading they might as well be lies. Tell them what you feel comfortable saying and let them make their own choice based on that. Will you lose some guys to your history? Yes, absolutely. And if you are fair, then you won't give them too much of a hard time about it (as long as they remain respectful to you). There is a difference between judging someone and just deciding you aren't compatible with them for dating. Your history will make you incompatible with some guys, that's all.
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A
female
reader, dcgirl15  +, writes (14 February 2013):
Don't worry about who you've slept with. It's not something to be embarrassed about. It's something that you wanted at the time and now you don't want it anymore. That's fine. You're turning a different page. It makes you a part of who you are and maybe showed you that you wanted a different lifestyle. You're not "easy," you're just looking for something different than you used to. Good for you for being self aware. Don't let any guy try to shame you for what you've done. If he does, set him straight. It was your decision at the time and it's none of his business who've you slept with in the past as long as you don't lie about it and aren't cheating on anyone now.If the best doesn't want you because of your past, then they're not the best. They're people who judge others by labels and what society dictates instead of for who you really are. You don't lose your "self worth" after sleeping with people if you have more to offer than your virginity and a low number. I'm betting you have a great personality, might even be funny and intelligent, and are probably cool to hang out with. That's your self worth. Not who you have (or haven't) gone to bed with previouly. And as per CMMP's comment, about how you haven't had a boyfriend because they haven't had to commit to get into bed with you, that's ridiculous. That's insinuating the only reason people date is to have sex and that's a warped world view. People date others because they enjoy them, find fulfillment from them, want to be around them, and want to show them that they care. If you didn't have a boyfriend, it's probably just because other things got in the way of getting to know them. This whole "why would you buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is an unhealthy way for women to view themselves. It's saying women are only valuable for their bodies and virgin status. However, if you want to stop this lifestyle, that's also cool. Just don't let who you've been in bed with previously effect how you think about yourself. You're perfect, just the way you are, regardless of being "promiscuous" previously.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 I recommend that you practice jutting out your chin, holding your head high, and thinking to yourself: "I'm entitled to the absolute BEST in and of the men who I meet and who express interest in me....."
IF/ and when, you engage men, you are "entitled" to be the best "self" that you know how to be... and expect any guy to be a gentlemen to and with you.....
Your past is passed.... let life go on... and don't believe - for a moment - that you have to apologize for whatever you have done in that past...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I was having a moment of self doubt. I'm more than sure I will find someone. My past was necessary for me to be who I am today. Thank you for your reassurance. xxx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 OP, of course it's not unreasonable for you to have high standards, regardless of your past.
Lots of people do things they regret. You were young. You've discovered your self worth and good on you! That's really refreshing to read, because some people never reach that stage, or reach it much later in life.
You don't have to tell a future boyfriend about your past. I don't mean that you should be dishonest, but there's only so much you need to share (as long as you're STD-free).
Lots of people haven't had a proper relationship at your age so don't fret about that.
Good luck in finding a decent guy, and don't beat yourself up about the past.
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A
female
reader, when nothing goes right go left +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Yeah its true that this puts guys off but that is your past and if you have changed now then why don't you deserve someone who is going to love and respect you. See nobody's perfect and you were probably just immature back then but now that you have grown up and you respect yourself more then you can look for a proper relationship and spend time getting to know each other and see if there is a connection and if there is then wait until you know he has strong feeling for you and then you can go for it with him.And if you do this then you are showing that you have changed so no guy has a reason to then have a problem because your not like that anymore.Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
Do you live in such a small town that your past is common knowledge?
If not then don't worry about it. You don't have to tell guys things like this.
And I agree, if a guy doesn't have to be committed to you to have sex with you then he's not likely to be interested in a relationship. So not having had a bf is expected.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 February 2013):
Who need to know? It's your past, and my advice to must people is to leave it in the past. Your past is your past, and if someone can't respect that, then maybe they're not the one for you.
My advice to you is to not worry about the past, and just focus on yourself and finding the right guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): "Is it unreasonable for me to have high standards now because of my promiscuous past?"No, it's never unreasonable to have high standards. Better to have belatedly learned that lesson at 21 rather than at 30 or 40 or 75."is it weird that I am 21, pretty, got a good personality, have no problem attracting guys, spoken to tons in a romantic way but I have never had a boyfriend?"You've never had a boyfriend in large part because of your promiscuous past. Guys never had to offer you a relationship to get you into bed, so guys never had a reason or incentive to want to be your boyfriend. "Will someone see past my past and love me?"Yes, but it might take some time and distance to separate your present from your past. At 21, you're a much different person than you were at 18 and you'll be a much different person at 25. You've learned from past mistakes, you are applying lessons learned as you move forward in life, and thankfully you didn't do something really stupid and regretful like having a kid by a random virtual stranger. It won't be easy to live down a reputation of being easy, but it can be done.
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