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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am a guy who was always on the smaller, scrawnier side. I could eat Ding Dongs and drink soda all day and I weighed 165 at 5'10" at age 17. Long story short, I am now 6 feet tall and 210. I think an ideal weight for me is about 190. I think I carry my weight well. However, I put my photo up on an online dating site and the only women willing to communicate with me are more than full-figured. I want to stress that I have no issue with this and have written some of them back, but because of this I now question my own self-image. Am I really that fat? It's sort of a wake up call that no "average weight" women will hit me up. Do I really need to hit the gym and lose those 20 pounds to increase the dating pool? I (mistakenly?) thought that women were more interested in secondary characteristics. I am smart, funny, and well-to-do. So I look a little like Alec Baldwin on "30 Rock". Is that so hideous? Women more than anyone should not be so quick to judge based on physical characteristics.I want to try to lose the weight for my health, but my questions are:"Will more women be interested if I lose some weight?""Should I give those other women the time of day?"I am willing to write back women that fall below my ideals on the off chance they are good, interesting people. We all have ups and downs in terms of weight/appearance. Why won't any women give me the same courtesy? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): the women that use dating sites might be a little bigger than average because 'average' women sometimes have an easier time meeting men in real life. This is just a broad generalisation, sure, but it might not just be your looks, it might be the type of people on the site.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Just some reassurance. I am a young, slim, I'd say attractive girl and I like my guys your size. I love a bigger guy - the scrawny ones, slim ones, or even the athletic build guys don't interest me much. I like a guy who looks like he can pick me up, toss me around... in the bedroom I don't feel like my 125lbs will crush him. I like powerhouse guys. Don't get me wrong, Arnold Schwarzenegger grosses me out. I'm not into wrestler or body builder guys. That is icky (to me, at least).
I will say this - while I like big dudes, that is not to say that I'm crazy about 'flabby' guys. I'm much more interested in a solid big guy. You know, a guy who looks like I could climb him like a tree. So, if you're looking a little sloppy or 'flabby', maybe its time to hit the gym. But if you're just a big, solid guy - you're attractive to me!
I also think k_c100 has an excellent point. The more 'average' weight women may be getting pursued more, and don't really need to be contacting folks. I think that probably had quite a bit to do with it.
Good luck, my dear!
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female
reader, StarryEyes101  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Yum. Alec Baldwin is delicious. A lot of people think I'm weird 'cause I'm 21 and I go for older bigger men. A lot of women dig it. But don't change yourself if you don't see a problem with yourself. People should love you for you :)
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 In the past women SEEMED less interested in physical appearance because they were reliant on men for food and shelter. This led 'experts' to conclude that women didn't care what a man looked like. Now that they have access to the same resources and can provide for themselves they are far more selective in their choice of mates. Now men are spending more money on their grooming than they used to (hair highlighting, tanning sessions, waxing and manicures etc).
We should not judge people as good or bad solely on looks, but there are plenty of things we can learn about a person by their appearance and how they carry themselves. The cover reflects the contents of the book. And a fit body is not just aesthetically pleasing. It is a sign of self discipline and success, which are attractive qualities in themselves.
Yes, you should get in better shape, everyone should, but do it for you, not for someone else. Loosing excess weight not only makes us look better, but feel better as well, and that also draws others to us.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 September 2011):
 There's only one way to find out for sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): To be honest, yes. Many girls are more shallow then you'd think. They care about the guy's appearance too. You should work out if you really want to come off as better looking.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Have you tried messaging the 'average weight' women first, or are you waiting for women to come to you? Because you will find the more attractive, slim women will be innundated with messages from men so they dont need to be contacting them first, they dont have to do any of the chasing. Whereas the fuller figured women wont get much attention so they will be more pro-active and will message men first. So this may be something to do with it - try messaging more women who you find attractive and see what happens.
You say that women shouldnt be quick to judge on appearances, but we all do judge on appearances, that is simply how the world works. I'm currently on a dating site here in the UK (I'm 24) and I simply delete the messages I get from the guys who I dont find attractive, harsh but at the end of the day physical attraction is important and I'm not going to lead any guy on who I dont think is attractive, so I simply wont reply to avoid wasting his time with pointless small talk.
I think a lot of people, me included, go on dating sites because they are fed up of meeting people in the usual ways, and their recent relationships havent worked out so they want to try something new. You raise your standards a bit in my opinion because you dont want to settle for someone who might have a nice personality but you are not attracted to - we have all made those mistakes before so on a dating site it allows you to be more picky.
I went on a date recently with a great guy and I realised at that point that even if it doesnt work out with him, I dont want to settle for anything less than the standard of this guy I met. So I am being pretty ruthless - I wont even give most guys the time of day on this dating site unless from their photos he looks attractive because, even though I'm not shallow, looks are important. Yes he needs to have a lot else going for him, and a few very attractive men have messaged me but I've deleted their messages for a number of reasons (normally they write in text speak or are not intelligent enough for me). So it works both ways - they need to be attractive yes, but some of the very attractive ones still are not right for me!
If you feel you need to lose 20 pounds then do it - not for women, but for yourself. It doesnt matter what women think of you until you are happy with yourself, so if you will be happier with yourself when you are 20 pounds lighter then go for it. Once you are truly happy with yourself then you will find it much easier to exude confidence and become more attractive to women.
But for now, start the process of losing weight and message more women - you might find the attractive ones are just innundated like I said with messages and simply dont approach men first, so you are going to have to do the groundwork.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Well,tbh, 210 for 6' is A LOT, unless you are a professional wrestler , according to most weight charts ( BMI, Boca, Lorenz, etc. ) at your age and height you should not be more than 175. 180 being generous.
I think women won't give you the same courtesy,- because they don't have to. There are plenty of potentially decent , good , personable guys who ALSO have a healthier weight. The women will try their luck in this category first, and if they don't find, or can't get, anything there, as a default option they'll pass to " Potentially decent, good BUT overweight guys ".
Cruel ? Shallow ? Come on, now don't tell me that if you had had a number of fit, hot bodied women hitting you up, you would not have tried with them first, leaving the fat ones as a just in case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): "Will more women be interested if I lose some weight?"Yes, I say this as a women who lost weight after university and found her options of men increased a lot. I also have to say it was an odd experience. I wasn't used to the attention and I didn't like it because I wasn't sure how to handle it at first. It seems like 20lbs makes a big difference in the way people respond to you."Should I give those other women the time of day?"I assume you're talking about average weight women? I don't think it's logical to assume that all average weight women aren't attracted to you because of your weight. To me it sounds like you are so focused on your weight, that you interpret it as THE factor in your social interactions with women. I have to say the nice thing about being at a healthy weight is that it frees up (in my experience) your ability to pay attention to other aspects of their personality. You aren't worried about your appearance. I wasn't happy with the way I looked and I was happier, healthier and more confident when I lost the weight. I would also say, I am more interested in men with a commitment to their health after I made the same commitment.I would only talk to women within your ideals. If you are starting to assume that women won't talk to you because of your weight, do something to lose it...not because you want their attention, but because it's affecting your perception and confidence.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 You want to date healthy women who are not over weight. Healthy women want to date healthy men. If you do not look healthy, then you should shape up. Women don't care so much about looks, not more than your average Joe would anyway. Some are shallow, sure, but most of us rather focus on what your appearance says about you. Because the way you look says a lot about who you are. If you look over weight, even if you aren't, women would think you are unhealthy. If you look scruffy, unshaved etc, even if you're a nice guy, women would think you don't wash or shave and hence are lazy and a good-for-nothing. See where I'm going?
However, if you're in the healthy range then stay as you are. I took a quick look at the numbers (had to convert so I hope I got it right) and you appear to be in the normal zone as far as BMI is concerned.
As far as online dating goes.. I have no idea how or why these or that type of people contact who the contact. If you don't like the attention you get then maybe look elsewhere? Maybe the type of women you are looking for aren't hanging around online?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 September 2011):
 6 feet and 210 is fine in my book but i don't like lean muscular men... my current BF has picked up about 20 pounds since we are dating and I prefer him with a bit of meat on his bones...
IF you lose the weight and find a woman who is only interested because of what you weigh and you regain the weight then what?
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