A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Feeling Confused: I am in a long distance relationship with someone who I love very much. We talk everyday for aprox an hour. Now I am feeling confused about he feels. He lives with his Dad and I still live with my ex husband. A situation I know is not ideal but due to finances thats the way it has to be at the moment. We began our realtionship back in March and have seen each other about 14 times for weekends away and dates etc. A few weeks ago he told me that he wanted to be with me but wasnt sure if he really wanted to be with me for life. Which I understand we are both getting to know each other and its early days- however a week ago when talking he said that he now felt differently. He had gone from thinking sex was most important to just being with me is most important. Which I thought was a turning point in our relationship. We had a small talk last night as he was complaining about talking to me everyday for an hour. Saying that he has to put everything on pause to talk to me and that sometimes he dosent look forward to our conversations becuase of the length of them, when he has other stuff to do (he has a 24/7 job and is always working from home etc, this I understand so try and be supportive). He said that he wasnt used to not having his space. This I dont get. I am not there so how can I be crowding him? Am I too boring to talk to everyday. We talked about the future and he says he is not ready to move in with anyone yet ( which i think is a bit far ahead for me, Im not ready either) I asked him if he wanted this relationship to grow and he said yes. So I am now really confused. If you want a realtionship to grow and he said he wants to see me more often why is it such a problem to talk for about an hour each day. Is that too long? For me its the closest thing I have to seeing him. I relish our conversations each day and really look forward to them. But he made me feel as if it was a chore to talk to me. He says all the time its not the same as spending time with me. I have thought about this all night and I really dont know what to think. Is it because just talking to me isnt enough? Does it remind him that hes not with me. He always telling me that he wishes I was there and wants to spend more time with me. He says if I was there he could still get on with other stuff he wouldnt have to stop everything to talk to me. But I just feel so confused and not important even though he tells me I am the most important person to him. Has anyone else experienced this with a long distance relationship. How did you handle things. Am I taking things to heart too much thinking Im not important or boring to talk to?? Is an hour each day too much. Am I being too demanding? I really do want to progress this realtionship so I dont want to be unreasonable and too demanding and attention seeking. Am I doing this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have met his Dad :)- its the staying overnight bit that his Dad dosent like not me being around. He is quite old fashioned about things like that.
I see what you mean about him needing to miss me. I think I do talk far too much and perhaps the regular same time calls makes me a routine intead of something nice.
Perhaps I just need to calm down a bit.
Thank you so much for your adivce
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Well if he can't even have a relationship with you in front of his father then you may have bigger issues than talking too much. Even if a man lives with his parents for various reasons at 30 plus he should be having his own life even in their home.
Have you met his dad or are you a dirty secret? IF you have not met his dad, you need to rethink this relationship. My BF was raised by his grandmother and she was in the nursing home when we met. HE made sure to take me to meet her before she died. We started dating in November 2010. She died in May 2011 BUT it was THAT important to him that his "mom" knew me before she died.
We stay at my place now that my husband has moved out or his apartment and we now refer to them not as his place and my place but OUR PA apartment or OUR MD home. EVERYTHING for us is joint.
Since I was married when we started (NOT cheating I was in an open marriage) it was a casual fling. When my husband moved out in March the BF realized how he felt and our relationship escalated.
Our day:
some days we have minimal contact...one or two emails and maybe a phone call of short duration and then there are days today this where we are getting a lot of things done for US and the emails fly sometimes 5 or 6 per hour... or more.
Usually there is a "wake up" call from me to him at his request... it lasts long enough to say "good morning get out of bed now" and then not another till I call him for my "bedtime tuck in phone call" those can last 5 minutes to an hour... depends on his mood and my mood...
there have been times we've done long long long LONG calls but they are rare now... he has work and chores... i have work and chores and i like my sleep....
for men they need to MISS you to appreciate you... women it's the opposite (usually).... they need to be close to fall in love.. men fall in love when they MISS you... let the man miss you a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply.
We are the same aprox 2 hrs by car. We would both love to see each other every weekend ( he has said this too) but we always have to pay for somewhere to stay. He cant stay at mine for obvious reasons and his Dad dosent really like it either.
Do you guys have somewhere to stay on weekends? Perhaps an hour is too much. I just find i have so much to talk to him about, he makes me laugh and we have really good conversations I just forget the time.
What he says is by the time he has finished talking to me at about 7 then made his food, all he has time for is to prepare for the next day at the office or work ( he works in IT so a lot of his work is out of office hours and overtime) he has no time for anything else. I do understand this but how do I stay close with him if we are not talking each day. I am so scared of being out of sight out of mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2011):
 He is in his 30's and still live with his Dad? Yea, I doubt he will be ready for a real relationship any time soon.
As for the phone calls, maybe make then short and sweet. You two agree on a "lenght" of a conversation and stick to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are the same about 2hrs away. I wish we could spend every weekend together and so does he- but we always have to pay for somewhere to stay as we cant be at mine or his with his Dad.
How long before he decided he wanted to be with you properley? Did you know before him?
Thank you so much for your reply. Perhaps I talk too much and an hour a night is too much : ) I just find myslef chatting away and forgetting the time.
He works so much though- what he says is by the time he has finished talking to me, then gone and made himself some food, then prepared his work for the next day/ or worked (He works in IT so a lot of work happens out of office hours from remote link up) he has no time for anything else.
I suppose I must be being a little selfish perhaps. Do you think?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 September 2011):
How far apart are you?
a couple of things NO ONE is on call for a job 24/7 full time. He has to have down time.
My bf/fiance is 2 hours away by car. we email and talk daily but it's been a long time since we had an hour long conversation on the phone... we see each other every weekend right now... but will be together full time by the end of the year we hope.
IF you are the one rowing the relationship boat (i.e. you are the one always initiating contact), perhaps you should stop rowing and wait to see if he contacts you.
My bf does not like to text or be on the phone or even email me that often... but after he realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me it stopped being a chore...
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