A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why does it seem like the whole world is having sex, when I've lived for 19 years and am still a virgin? My friends that I've known for many years are all in these serious relationships with girls that they liked for so long, and are now constantly getting laid. All my life there are always certain girls that really stuck out, but I've never been able to have a serious relationship with any of them. My brothers had tons of girlfriends from the time they were in middle school, so I guess you could say I'm the dud.The thing I'm scared about is that I'm alone for another year before college. I'm going to be almost 21 when I start. I don't know if I'll ever find a special girl again, and even if I do, she will probably have had her fair share of sex. I'm trying hard to explain my point. The fact is, the world is a lot different now. My parents brought me up with the no sex before marriage Christian belief. But now, especially living in the UK, I see everyone is losing or has already lost their virginity. I'm just afraid that I'm going to end up with sloppy seconds.Honestly, I was perfectly content with the no sex before marriage. But now after hearing about tons of guys and girls, who I thought had a similar view to me, f**king each other like animals, I don't know anymore. The fact that so many people are having sex just really bugs me. I don't even know what the point is anymore. Does anyone actually fall in love or do they just f*ck someone that they find really attractive? I don't know how I'm ever going to find that right girl, because the thought of some other guy being with her, before me makes me so angry and disgusted.
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female
reader, Angel1018  +, writes (9 December 2008):
Hi I know everybody I know has lost their virginity already, I'm 18 years old and still a virgin and proud of it. I'm in a relationship now, he is 24. I do love him but I see it as if he loves like he says he does, oh he can wait You bet he CAN wait. Sex before marriage is a sin, and I made promise to God and my grandmother before she died that I would save it for the one I marry. Haven't found him yet though. Also I'm not like a really big "sex always on my mind person".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Guys like this one aren't rare, they're just ignored by girls because they're not bad-boys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): The only thing I can say here is that I'm an example of what you're saying. I decided to wait until I would meet that special person so that when I finally would lose my virginity, it would be special. I was so lucky that I found him, and even more lucky that he thought the same way. I know this sounds cheesy, but I'm very much in love with him, and I'm proud of my decision. I see it so wise. I know I'm very lucky cause he was also a virgin who shared my ideals.
So to answer your question, yes, there are people who wait for the right person and make love to them because they love them and not because they want to satisfy an urge. I really hope you are as lucky as I am and find that special girl who shares the same ideal as you have.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): And it's not possible that the pressure have lots of sex partners could feel BAD for any male, is it? Surely every male out there must always find this liberating and fun.
Being a chaste male is the most thankless thing you can be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I'm 19 and a virgin, and I'm staying that way until I'm in a serious relationship, not squandering it like some of the party girls I know. I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I don't smoke; I'm extraordinarily conservative.
Why? I'm a small-town girl who went to Christian schools, though I'm not actually a Christian. I was brought up to have respect for myself. You're not going to find virgin girls in clubs and bars wearing mini-skirts and tall heels and tops their breasts are falling out of.
I should point out a line from "The Office" when Tim said, "It's words like 'sloppy seconds' that mean you don't have a chance with her." No woman, regardless of squeaky clean history or sexual exploits, wants to date a sanctimonious man whose preoccupation is whether another man has "got there first". Ignore the fictions: women who have had sex are not more likely to have miscarriages, or STDS, or have problems having babies, or feel there's nothing "special" left.
The fact is, teenage girls are under PRESSURE these days to LOSE their virginity. Peers of both sexes call them frigid or religious fanatics if they don't have sex; but if they do, people like you call them sluts! This is a rock and a hard place. It's different for men. You're considered players if you have lots of sex. Guys like you are damn rare.
Read "On Chesil Beach" by Ian McEwan, and tell me if you think you'd want to marry a woman like Florence, so ignorant about sex that she was grossed out when her new husband ejaculated, and they ended up separating. Do you want a woman who knows what she's doing and will like it, or a girl who'll act like an eleven year old who thinks boys still have cooties?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): "If YOU had given up sex well into your 20s just to spare your partner of ever having to think about you sleeping with someone else . . . wouldn't you think that should be worth something? Like, say, not having to endure a lifetime of that daily emotional pain yourself? Doesn't that seem just a little tiny bit reasonable?"
Wow, I agree with that last post whole heartedly.
I waited, and it was for nothing. :(
You couldn't have said it better. It IS a lifetime of daily emotional pain. Cheap sex really tarnishes the the bond for serious relationships down the road.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): On the contrary, I think it would matter quite a bit if I had stayed a virgin until married and then ended up with a girl who did not wait.For a lot of people, basically the biggest reason to stay a virgin until married is so they can demand that from their future spouse with a clear conscience. If YOU had given up sex well into your 20s just to spare your partner of ever having to think about you sleeping with someone else . . . wouldn't you think that should be worth something? Like, say, not having to endure a lifetime of that daily emotional pain yourself? Doesn't that seem just a little tiny bit reasonable?
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female
reader, peace-and-love +, writes (8 June 2008):
I'm sorry you feel this way. The truth is some people are having lots of sex, but not all people. My advice would be stop feeling bad about being a virgin - if you don't want to have sex before marriage I really, really respect that. If your wife isn't a virgin - it doesn't matter, the point is she will be dedicating her life to you and you alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Listen bro, I can relate with you, to a point.Firstly, I want what everyone else wants. I want to have sex with a girl I find attractive and I like. (Well maybe everyone doesn't want this, but I do, haha). I am almost 23 years old. I had expectations about things and even tried changing my life around so it would be easier to meet girls, and hopefully have sex. GUESS WHAT?! Didn't happen and it's a waste of time.I have tons of regrets. When I was 15 I REALLY REALLY liked this girl, and deep down still do, although I haven't seen her for years, I guess you can say I love the memory of her. I would have had sex with her, but the truth is I couldn't even kiss her. I was her boyfriend, asked by her friends, and I said yes. HUGE mistake. I am not saying I should have had sex with her, part of me wishes I did, but I was young. I am just sad I didn't kiss her, and really tell her how I feel.When I was 17 I had sex for the first time in my life. So far it has also been the last time in my life. It has been about 5 years since then and I haven't had sex and a girlfriend or anything. IT SUCKS! I am not a virgin, but sometimes I wish I was. At least I wouldn't have just lost it to some girl that I "kinda" liked when I was 17 and from then haven't even been sexually active.Oh, btw. Who cares if the girl has had sex before you. If you love her and start having a serious relationship you will realize this isn't too important. I wish my first time was with a girl who was a virgin, but no it wasn't. But you know what? GET OVER IT. You are young, and sex isn't everything. Stop thinking about it so much, that is why it is bothering you so much. My sexual status, age, etc. bothers me when I think about it.Sounds like you want sex. But you also want a virgin. Although I haven't had sex for years, if I found a girl I liked and she liked me and she refused me sex only after finding out I had sex before, I would be hurt and amazed that someone could be that shallow.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 I understand how you feel. Don't be too upset about it. The world is bigger than you think, and there are lots of different people out there (not in the same school, town, or even country as you) who aren't slipping into the easy sexual relationships that you find so upsetting.
I'd also advise you not to brood on this too much. You're setting yourself up for a major disappointment in life. What happens if the girl of your dreams turns out not to be a virgin and had a few experimental relationships before you? Your feeling of betrayal will be bitter indeed, unless you can develop a more open, less judgemental outlook on life.
Plus I detect a little bit of sour grapes here. Your time will come, and when it does you won't feel so upset about being the only one missing out.
Hope this helps.
Oldfool
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): You're only 19, I think you're worrying too much as some other people have said. Even if you haven't met them, there's plenty of people who are still virgins. There's also people who decide not to even kiss anyone that they don't believe they're gonna be with forever or get married to. I even recall someone rejecting being asked to the dance in high school because they only want to dance with someone who will be their 'future spouse'.
I think it's perfectly okay to feel 'angry and disgusted'. We all have different beliefs, so don't let anyone else convince you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. And don't settle for a girl who isn't a virgin like yourself if that's not what you want.
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (6 June 2008):
 hang in there man, most of these people dont understand what it means to stay a virgin. and you have every right to want a girl whos still a virgin. you dont want to look like you dont know what your doing when she does, but if your both virgins then neither one of you has a clue. i myself am a 20 year old virgin in a 4 year relationship, believe me its not easy, but its an acomplishment. everyone starts off saying there going to wait but they never do and thats why its something special, something to be proud off, because its not easy, its an acomplishment. just keep looking, there are other virgins out there. keep strong, and if you dont wait till marriege i wont blame you but sex often ruins relationships and people often feel like they should have waited longer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, just cause I seem pissed off about everyone having sex around me doesn't mean I'm a Christian or go to church, because I'm not. I said that's how I was brought up, not how I am now. I can't believe they tagged this as "Christian".Anyways, I don't know if I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm just angry because a girl i really loved broke up with me, and a few weeks later lost her virginity to a popular guy who she really wanted to do before college. Reading back my last paragraph I do sound like a judgmental Christian asshole. It's just that since I've graduated high school, I've seen tons of really nice people having sex, and sometimes when I hear about it it's like getting punched in the stomach. I thought people had higher standards, but from some of the stuff I've seen now, i don't know.I tried and am trying to be careful about my words, because I know how easy it is to sound like some big mean sexist guy who beats up women for doing things wrong. Honestly, I don't really have high moral standards like you say Collaroy. I'm just tired of constantly hearing about sex everywhere I go. Yes I want to have sex, but ffs can't people show a little modesty once in a while? I don't mind if a girl has fallen in love before me, dated a guy for a long time, then had sex with him. It's when I see these nice girls grab guys who they think they are in love with and fuck them within a week or two. I just wish people would wait until they were really convinced they found the right person to be with. Sorry if you get the wrong impressions from the things I'm saying or said. I'm really a shitty writer/speaker, especially on an issue like this. I always seem to dig myself into holes.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Times have changed, and it would appear that very few wait until marriage, or even only have sex with the one partner.
Don't see it as a bad thing if you meet a girl who isn't a virgin. We all have different life experiences.
Although if you want to guarantee it, find a girl at a church group.
Just play things by ear, and see who you meet. Just because somebody isn't a virgin, it doesn't mean they are not decent,reliable or loyal.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): I was exactly where you are now my friend, except that I was so naïve that I “saved myself” for way too long. I held onto that pious, self-righteous notion that sex was something very special and should be saved for that one perfect mate. The funny thing is, even if a girl is a virgin, they could care less whether or not you are.I remember when I was your age and dating the “good church girls” that my parents approved of. When I told them I was waiting for marriage I always got that look of “Huh, what guy does that these days?” I always got the “That’s so noble of you! You hang in there.” A couple months later they would end up pregnant by some player because the “bad boys” were much more exciting than the idealist that I was. Too bad buying birth control was a “sin” to them. Trust me it’s not the virginity that matters anymore, it’s whether or not they were safe and kept themselves healthy. I waited, and waited, until it finally dawned on me, that no one had waited for me. I had made a fool of myself. It was my 25th birthday when I finally came to my senses and gave up my virginity. Fortunately the girl that took it did mean a lot to me and even though we went our separate ways, I still have a lot of respect for her to this day. I will never regret that. What I do regret is the “Christian” upbringing that brainwashed me into going through what you are going through right now. Trust me, that doctrine gets too you. Because of it, I’ll never be comfortable with casual sex. I just spent too long thinking it was something that really bonded you to your soul mate. Unfortunately at my age, everyone else’s experience goes way beyond mine. It kind of sucks when you all of your sexual firsts are old-hat to the person you are sharing them with. I finally found that special someone and she is perfect for me in every way. I love her with all of my heart. However there isn’t a day where someone or something doesn’t bring up the fact that she has had a promiscuous past. It hurts me every time that I have to be reminded of that. The thought of those guys being with her for nothing more than cheap thrills destroys me inside. The fact of the matter is however; her past is what made her who she is today. And let me tell you, I definitely benefit from that past every night. It is very bittersweet.The important thing is to get out there and lose the judgmental attitude why you still can. After your first time, sex becomes pretty easy to get in this day and age. BE SAFE and don’t break hearts, but experience as much as you can while you are young. When you do find that girl you want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll never be left wondering what else is out there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): I think there's a relevant detail that's being overlooked by some of the responders here:THE POSTER IS REMAINING A VIRGIN HIMSELF!I'm sorry if the demand for virginity until marriage is out of fashion, but people should not sit here and act like this person "owes" it to everyone else to compromise his own morality becsause of it. He feels strongly about the issue. That alone should be enough to make it an understandable demand, let alone if he's been willing to keep the same vow HIMSELF already. How is his stipulation of a virgin before marriage different from wanting a partner of a certain race? Or wanting a certain age? Or a certain hair color? Or a certain religion? Or who likes a certain cheesy punk band? The answer is that it's not different. We all have the right to choose who we want in a partner, politically-correct or not.
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female
reader, Landie  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 There are still girls who are virgins. I know I'm one. There are so many girls who go to school with me that have already had sex and many of them have had pregancy scares.
You probably will still find a girl who is still a virgin, if she respects herselh enough. Just give it time you can meet that perfect girl at anytime.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): The idea that a woman would have sex with anyone but you makes you "angry and disgusted"? Get over yourself.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Well "Collaroy" took off on you pretty strong for the "sloppy seconds" comment, and right well perhaps, but I do understand your general frustration when considering a potential mate for life (maybe). And I'll add the thought about choosing the mother of your children, etc. I myself held some of those general idealistic opinions at times.
But "Collaroy" is absolutely correct that times have changed, in the Western World very notably, and your search for such innocence will certainly be limited until you finally learn to accept that your concerns will become much less crucial, probably even by your standards, as you gain in age and experience.
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male
reader, Passthrough +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Nice girls can have fun just like guys can nowadays- The "no sex before marriage" was meant to tell you that STDs and unwed parents are the result of sexual promescuity- Dont worry if a girl has had her share of safe fun before she fell in love with you :-D
Take a breather, and find a girl who likes you for you, and who you can respect. Does it really matter if she has been in love before? What if YOU did it, would you like to be thought of as you think of others??
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female
reader, Tremor +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Well said, Collaroy. I was trying to figure out how to word it but you've said it better than I could.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (6 June 2008):
 It must be hard to live in the 21st century when you have such high morals and no one can live up to your lofty expectations.
I almost had some sympathy for you before you said "sloppy seconds". That got right up my goat mate. No wonder no girl wants anything to do with you. If for one second you can lift your head up from the depths of the sanctimonious pit you live in you might just find that woman today generally cherish their freedom and don't want to wait around for some dashing prince like yourself to sweep them up off their feet and carry them into their virgin sunset. They want to be like their male counterparts and enjoy their youth and independence. Seriously what on earth do you expect - where have you been living a monastery?
So my suggestion is why don't you simply date someone from your church, I'm sure there are plenty of willing young virgins who would love nothing more than to give their special little gift to an upstanding moral figure like yourself on their wedding day. But be warned some of these girls aren't virgins, so you may want to get them to prove their virginity to you - just in case you end up with sloopy seconds again.
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