A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First of all, I don’t want answers to my post or comments on it from people who are totally against porn. I am not against it, I am just asking for advice and I don’t want advice that I absolutely will not take. I mean no offense, but I see it on other people’s posts all the time and I don’t want it on mine.Second, I would prefer women who have been in the same or similar situation to answer or comment but I would be fine with men's advice as well if it is relevant. So, I will ask my question and then give a brief background so you can understand where I am coming from.Question: Will I ever be fully accepting of my fiance’s porn use? Background: My fiance and I started dating 2 years ago and we moved in together last in April 2010. I walked in on him looking at porn around late May after we moved in together. I didn’t know how I felt about it, but I knew it upset me somehow. A few months later, in July, I looked at the history on his computer and saw porn usage almost everyday that we were not off of work together. After a few weeks of trying to deal with it, but ending up crying over it, I confronted him. He never got mad at me. Instead he consoled me and told me that he thought I was beautiful and sexy and he loved me. He told me why he looked at, which is why most guys do. He needs to relax before his stressful job (or after the job), it helps him go to sleep, and so on. He even asked me if I wanted him to stop. I said no, because after him consoling me after I invaded his privacy, I felt I could try to accept this for him. He has never done anything to hurt me and always tries to make me happy, so I felt I would make an effort for him.I did ok for a while, but then I looked at his history again. What was bothering me the most is that I felt threatened by the porn. I felt that he would chose that over me and I would lose him. He means more to me than any other guy ever has, and I didn’t want to lose him over this. We had a few more fights about me looking at his history, him looking at porn when I’m in the next room sleeping, and so on. Finally, he asked me why I am so mad about it. I told him he never tried to see it from my point of view even though I was trying to see it from his. Well, he started to try to see it from my point of view. After the last fight (about 3 months or so ago) our relationship has got better in that area and I have felt less threatened by the porn. I know he did this before we moved in together, but I never saw it, so the knowledge of it is what brought this whole thing on. It’s like Pandora’s box, and I opened it. For the most part, I am fine with it but, every once in a while, I still feel a little threatened. Sometimes I feel disgusted by it or even resentment towards him. It is usually when I am PMSing and more emotional, but sometimes it’s just on a random day as well. I really don’t want to feel this way about porn or about him. He has never changed how he treats me, so I know it’s not affecting our relationship. So, I am wondering if I will ever fully accept his porn usage or if there will always be those days that I feel threatened and/or sad because of it.Sorry if this was a little too long, but you need to know that I am not one of those women who are freaking out at their man. I really do want to accept it and be the best wife-to-be to him that I can be.
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female
reader, samismiles  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Firstly he sounds like a very lovely guy, he consoled you and didn't get angry which is good and knew what to say to calm you down so in that respect I'd say don't just give up on the relationship. Maybe you could incorporate the porn into your relationship every now and then or come to some compromise and ask him to not lie to you. For example if you're not in and he's feeling in the mood for that kind of thing, ask him to text you and you could convince him to wait til you get home. Send him some fantasy texts or emails while you're not there and ask him to wait for you. I've been in almost exactly the same situation and it caused alot of problems for the relationship I'm in but you kind of work through things. I'll still get upset but thats mainly to do with the fact that facebook was also involved and I had a problem with the "real" girls. I'd say keep being open about how you feel. Ask him if he could stop...not necessarily will he but COULD he or would it be an empty promise. Be honest with eachother you're sharing your lives may aswell share your thoughts. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you wornoutmommy. You get what I am saying 100%. I appreciate your personal experience. We have talked and I have told him my insecurities about it. He does not like to talk about the subject. I assume he thinks I am nagging, even though I try to make it more of "I feel" statements. So, becasue of that, this is something I am trying to become more secure about on my own.
When you say why you are ok with it with your current boyfriend but not your past, it makes me think that my past may be triggering my insecurities. I have been cheated on and that same guy always looked at other women in front of me. Sometimes he even stared at the women.I do trust my fiance and know that he would never leave me for another woman. He treats me like a princess and I should relish in that, not dwell on the porn. I need to remember that when I am feeling insecure.
Thank you again, I really appreciate your input.
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female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Ok, my last b/f I was completely against it. My current b/f I'm perfectly fine with it. The difference? The security that I feel about the way he feels about me. I know with my whole heart that he would never leave me, cheat on me or hurt me in that way (he is a very loyal individual). My previous boyfriend would constantly comment on my weight or appearance, I became anorexic and worked out constantly- yet I couldn't be skinny enough for him at 105#s. I found his internet history- and he was searching for naked teenagers. Not those teen porn sites where everyone is above 18, but nudist colony websites with children. Having a daughter of my own there was no way I was tolerating that, and there was no way that I'd look like a 13 year old ever again.
I believe that being ok with porn coincides with being able to fully trust your man. First there's porn, then there's dating sites, then there's long distance relationships... etc. The wheel is always racing in your head until you realize you don't need to worry about his loyalty.
Because I don't like to see what my b/f is looking at however (I am woman, I am insecure), I set up a different user account for him on our computer. He has a password (as do I) so neither of us can see each other's search history. I prefer woman/woman porn, and he worries about that. But this makes it more out of site out of mind.
I would recommend talking with your man about your insecurities. Explain that you don't want his to stop, but that you're worried that: it may change, he may not want you, his interests may fluctuate, etc... It is a touchy subject, and most guys get defensive right away, so explain that you're not attacking his viewing habits but trying to ease your own mind.
Best of luck :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I'll declare, I'm not anti-porn and I use it. First of all, I'm very sorry that you are upset and distress by your boyfriends "hobby". Secondly, no woman has to "accept" something she hates, however, we can't change people and you may have to change your boyfriend....
We have had many women on Dear Cupid who have managed to find a way with dealing with their boyfriends usage. The whole point is to find a way of having a fair compromise that you can both deal with. It's good that you and your boyfriend are able to talk about the subject together, it's also good that you are able to stand back and try to think about it rationally.
How do you feel about yourself. Are you a confident woman, secure in her own beauty and worth. Many women (and this may not be you) feel threatened by the women in pornography because they feel inadequate in some way and compare themselves unfavourable. The solution to this is to work on yourself and feel beautiful and wonderful for the unique person you are. You cannot do this with a man, this has to be done by yourself. Body concious activities like belly dancing or swimming will help you feel more comfortable in your skin.
You seem to get upset about pornography when he a) uses it everyday, b) uses it when you are sleeping, c) uses it when you are menstrual. The first two reasons seem to point to the fact that you think his porn use is excessive and he might be too dependant and on the border of addicted. Solution is to ask him not to use it so much. That way your not banning it, but your saying that it's rude to be so dependant on pornography when your in a relationship. Seems like a fair compromise, especially if the arguments stop. Being irritated by pornography when your on a period, is something it's hard to stop. Again this is to do with your own self-esteem. You can't have sex on a period, porn women never seem to have them, and so you feel inadequate. Turn this time into a more positive thing, a special time, when you do things to please your self, and ask your partner to help out by being extra romantic.
Could you suggest he come to you for sex instead of using pornography when your sleeping. That may or may not work and may be a workable compromise. It's a matter of habit, and many men can be weaned of pornography at nights with a blowjob that puts them to sleep.
If you feel better by not knowing, then ask your partner to delete his history. He should do this anyway if he suspects that he's upsetting you. What you don't know can't hurt you.
Have you ever watched porn, either with your partner or on your own. Most of the entertainment comes from the sexual movements, not the beauty of the girl or the size of her boobs.
You say your partner doesn't understand how you feel.. But he does.. You don't like him watching people having sex, but this is hard for him to understand. Watching people having sex for him is fun. For him it's like saying don't watch people falling in love in a romance movie. He understands what you think, but it still makes no sense. That's why it's better to just ask him to watch pornography a little less or hide his usage from you.
Sorry I've not experienced what you have, I can understand your frustration and I hope I have provided some help. If you want, I can try to track down posts from women who have overcome a hatred to porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not even think to mention our sex life, sorry about that. Our sex life is fine, we have sex on average 3-4 times a week. I am not by any means saying it is interfering with our sex life, I am still very satisfied in that area.
And to Donealot, he does not feel threatened by my vibrators. He wants me to pleasure myself if I am horny and he is not around. That is one of the reasons I want to get over my hangup about it. And I do understand that porn is not a substitute and to my knowledge he doesn't use it as such. He has a very high sex drive and there would be no way I would have sex with him every time he was horny. I think I would die if I were to attempt that.
To the female anon that was in the same situation, he does erase his history. That has helped me a lot. I have felt less threatened by it since he started doing that. Like I stated before, looking at his history was like opening Pandora's box. It was a snowball effect after the initial peek. And as far as I know, he doesn't use it when I am home.
Lastly, to Olderthandirt, you have a good point. I might never fully be ok with it. It's not that I don't understand why he uses it, I just feel threatened. I don't think he would ever leave me for another woman, but it's the simple fact that there are so many other attractive women in porn, quite a few that I would say are more attractive than me. I feel that he sees the more attractive ones and compares me. I think that's why it bothers me more when I'm PMSing. I'm more emotional and since I'm bloated I feel less attractive.
This one was long again, sorry.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I've been in a similar situation and have my (now) hubby and i worked on compromises and he gave me many assurances so i could accept it. For starters, he never watches it when im home. Usually only once or twice a wk and never for longer then half an hour. Thats all stuff that was normal for him. When i first found out about it he lied about it which upset me more then anything. So now he doesnt lie. We sometimes watch it together and he'll tell me what he does and doesnt like. Mostly he only watches bj's. I give him plenty of those so i know its not because im not satisfying me. I wanted him to ensure he'd never do stuff himself more then what we do together, and its never ever happened. He doesnt do it because he's not satisfied sexually, but as a stress release. Im ok since its only a few times a wk and doesnt affect us or our sex life. I do sometimes get upset (also the pms thing) and have realised thats its because i feel bad about myself at that time. He's chosen not to do it a few times when im in those moods because he would rather i be happy.. I've asked him before what he'd choose if it was me or porn, and he said me. He even offered to prove it. I told him not to as i would never control him. So im accepting of it with certain compromises in place, and generally it doesnt get brought up anymore. Hopefully the same will be for you
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Odds are you will never be OK with it.9Just being real) Women in general don't get porn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I feel exactly the same way you described and am in the same situation as well, my fiance is a great guy. I should add I have a very high self esteem and am extremely confident but I still feel weird about it from time to time.
Having worked in IT for most part of my life, I have no doubt the majority of the guys watch porn, it is a fact. Trying not to focus too much on that has helped me dealing with it, I hope that works for you too.
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A
male
reader, Donealot +, writes (6 January 2011):
You feel threatened by porn. It's Ok. Really.
He may feel threatened by your large dildo or vibrator or whatever. It's Ok. Really.
The 'threatened' response is rooted in your love and desire for him. This is a good sign (yay! you love him) but having it cause problems in your relationship is not a good sign.
Most women misunderstand the idea of porn. Porn is not a substitute for sex with another person. If it is that way, that is a sexual problem and he should seek counseling.
Porn is a vibrator, a dildo, a butt plug... i.e. a sex toy. My significant other and I use porn fairly regularly in our sessions. She was at first a bit put off by the idea and threatened but we talked about it a lot to ease her threatened sense. Once she really did know Porn was just like the vibrator she was just using... everything fell into place and now she enjoys picking out porn for me to watch while she pleasures me in different manners. I also do the same for her.
If used in this manner you learn a lot about your significant others wants and desires. Even if you can not fulfill those desires, you can pleasure him while he watches it happen. Such is the case for me and my lover. We have physical illness that prevents traditional sex on many occasions so this is our 'work around' for those times.
Be safe.
Use lube.
Use the product as intended.
Profit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I was in this exact same situation a while back (and still am? i dont know, to some extent). I'm 22 with and my boyfriend is 25.
You have to decide weather you are okay with it or not. It's not like you can lie to yourself and I don't think there's a right answer here. I think the main issue for us girls is that we attach so much emotions to the sex, but while watching porn guys aren't involving those emotions. If that made sense.
I have come to realise that I am mainly okay with it, as long as I don't see it. I do understand his need for it, as long as he does not start to use that as a substitute to our sexual relationship and starts to choose porn over us. But as long as he doesn't do that, it doesn't harm our relationship in any way. It actually helps a wee bit i reckon, because else perhaps he would be a lot more sexually tense all the time. I dont know. He travels a lot because of his work, and that is one of the reasons he resorts to that. In the beginning when i found out i was so mad and extremely sad that he would need porn because i felt i wasnt enough for him. After countless arguments in the beginning I think we're reaching middle ground.
So in short, I don't want him to leave traces of porn on the computer, so when he's done i'd rather he cleaned his history. When I don't know what he's watching or when, it doesn't bother me, but even if I try to be okay with it I tend to get upset if I see he's been at it again. And in addition to that he never uses porn when im there, not even if we're not gonna have sex I can't accept him watching porn while im in the other room sleeping as you said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I will give you my view as a man who has been happily married for years. I have always watched porn and early on in our relationship it did bother my wife. Now it does not bother her as much. She has even started watching porn with me on rare occasions. Both of us have demanding jobs and with a 2 year old thrown in the mix, we simply do not have time for sex, like we did in the past. As along as his porn veiwng is not affecting your relationship I don't see an issue. If your sex life is good and he is not watching it for hours on end I would just try to deal with it. You should not feel threatened by it. It has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing. It is simply an escape and at times a way for a quick release. Actually, since my wife will watch porn with me a couple of times a month now, I don't watch porn as much. Try watching it with him once and if it does not bother you, it could be something you could enjoy together on special occasions.
Back to your question. I think over time you could become accepting of his porn watching.
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