A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I am the most complicated person ever! I'm 25 but have been though more in my life them most people twice my age. Thing is I'm terribly lonely but I have huge issues that stop me finding anyone. I'm a lesbian, I'm more feminine then most heterosexual women, I'm not attracted to boyish or butch women, and I'm attracted to women 15 to 20 years older then myself.I have always been interested in older women. I have never been attracted to people my age. I don't even have friends of my age, as I generally have no common interests with my own generation. I have absolutely no problem, myself, being attracted to older women, but to other people it's more taboo then me being a gay woman. I'm actually very shocked and sadden by the attitude. Of course there is issues to consider, no denying that, but I have so much to give. What makes the situation even more complex is I'm not attracted to butch or boyish women either. I like just average women who are a bit quirky. I do get a lot of attention from older butch women, but my personal preference is femininity. I sick of being told I'm a shallow person. I'm not, I'm just true to myself. If I have a relationship with someone I love purely on their personality then it wouldn't last. The trouble is with me, I'm not a highly sexed person, I cannot sleep with someone unless I love them as a person and I'm attracted to them. I find also that is a difficult way to be, as it seems people have sex after meeting each other only a couple of times. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a Demisexual except I don't fit that category completely. Do you think I'm going to be so sad and lonely my whole life? Will I end up a miserable old spinster who has never been loved? I'm highly depressed at the moment and I feel I'm a complete misfit.
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male
reader, steelpicker +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Aw you sound a real sweetheart.
*hugs*
Who you are is fine, and you will learn to accept that.
Being different is wonderful. So many people try to be what society expects of them...
I am a guy who will take time to find the right woman because I don't conform to what "most people" expect.
Be patient, the right lady is out there for you. :)
Try not to be sad.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I think it's good not to have sex too quickly and many people will agree with you on that. While you can't help who you're attracted to, you may find as you age, that the age range you're attracted to will change. I'm not sure why people are telling you you're shallow? You can't help who you're attracted to. You need to be with someone you're attracted to on all levels. If you meet a woman who you really love, the age and all the other things won't matter. Love is hard to find for everyone and it rarely has a smooth path when you find it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. Big hug back to Annalisa.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 First, you are beautiful, not shallow. You are attracted to who you're attracted to. And this conundrum you now find yourself in is easier to figure out than you think.
Second, stay true to yourself. You do not have to become sexual right away with someone. I too don't care for the "hookups" and "third date rule" society we're moving toward either. Move at your own pace and in your own way, and let no pressure or societal influence make you feel any less than beautiful. It's a stereotype that feminine women must be attracted to boyish or butch women, and vice versa. These are limiting labels and you don't have to adhere to them in the slightest.
Third, I can say with certainty that you will not be alone. How can I be certain? It's simple. You need to go where people you're attracted to are. Like the woman who wants to buy a pair of shoes. If she spends all of her time fretting at the grocery store because she can't find shoes, well then, she's looking in the wrong place!
Are you political? Many times, political causes and meetings and organizations are full of the kind of people you're attracted to. I'm not talking about just the government level and U.K. politics. I'm talking about causes from animal to women's rights to any number of socio or environmental coteries.
Finally, love is where you find it. You might find someone who might not meet your entire checklist down to the letter, but the emotional and intellectual connection is so strong that you feel drawn to her anyways. That's not lowering your standards. That's simply the unpredictible and wonderful adventure of love.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Sad and lonely is a choice not a situation. Just keep looking in the right places
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (8 July 2011):
Hey OP
As the other aunts have said, you're NOT a misfit, and you should try not to worry about being a miserable old spinster because I don't believe that is going to happen.
You've already got lots of good advice here, but two things struck me so I'll add in my two pence worth.
Firstly, you say you generally have nothing in common with your own generation and don't have any friends your age. I personally think you could work on this. I know you prefer older women, but saying you have nothing in common with people your age is like saying people of a certain age-group don't have anything in common with people of another age group. I have friends of all ages, both older and younger, and we all have common interests, be it something silly like a particular tv show, certain types of music, or sport maybe. What I'm trying to say is, there are lots of things that both people your age and older people can share as an interest, and as such, I'm sure you can widen your circle of friends easily if you wanted to. I reckon once we hit our mid 20s, or beyond, it isn't so much how old we are as what sort of things we are interested in and how we behave, which doesn't necessarily depend on age.
Secondly, just a general point, when I'm depressed I find exercise enormously helpful and like to go for a run or something. I know this doesn't address your problem per se, but if you are feeling down then it's just a suggestion that I find useful for me if I want to try and pick myself up a bit.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 First off, you are not a misfit! So you're not like everyone else. So you don't fit the so-called "norm". Normal is boring! You can only be yourself, because everyone else is taken. Please remember that. :)
Second, you can't help who/what you are and are not attracted to. I'm very glad that you have standards for yourself, because as you said, so many people these days are just hopping into bed with whoever comes along, and in the long run that's anything but good for you.
I think Annalisa's advice is right on the money. Expanding your circle of friends in any way you feel comfortable would be incredibly helpful. Also, it might be a good idea to let yourself remain open to any relationship that may come along, because as was already stated, you may find someone similar to yourself, who's the same age but has a higher maturity level and "older" interests.
All of this will fall into place when you learn to accept yourself for who you are. After all, I know this is a platitude, but it's true: You'll never know real love with someone else until you learn to love and accept yourself.
masq
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Believe me there is nothing wrong with you. You are being true to yourself this does not make you shallow at all. In fact the complete opposite. So you are attracted to older woman there is nothing wrong with that at all. Whoever you are attracted to you cannot help that. So try not to let that get you down because age should not be an issue when you are both adults in a relationship. As for not having sex with someone until you love them, well again that is another great trait to have. At least you don't sleep around all the time as it would only make you feel more lonely believe me. You have great values and don't let anyone out there tell you any different. Have confidence and let it shine through. Go out and look for that perfect woman for you, am sure she is out there somewhere.
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