A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am here to ask a question to everyone but WITHOUT JUDGMENT or PREACHING.I know affair posts get everyone very worked up. But I am not here to be crucified.Just to get help. I want to know what you think the answer is. It will help me immensely. I know none of us has a crystal ball but I am hoping to know what you think the outcome might be.If a married man has been with his mistress since June of 2013 and he says he has feelings for her, ie. cares for her deeply, to the point where he admitted the feelings scare him at times, would he find himself another mistress at any point during their relationship?I have been told by some that he will get tired of me and dump me for the next best thing.Others have said he has a good thing and knows it and will not risk that. Some say because he has bonded with me emotionally, he will not seek out someone else. Some say I could be one of many even when he insists I am the only one. Some have said that not all guys are serial cheaters and will stray. That he may have begun the affair due to emotional disconnect in his marriage and has found someone he has an emotional/physical connection with, unlike his wife of 20 plus years.I am finding it harder and harder to stay with him because of this trust issue. I live my life afraid everyday that he is going to cheat on me. Maybe not today but someday. And it is emotionally heavy on me. I constantly accuse him of cheating too. But he vehemently denies he is, has or ever will.I am not sure how to deal with this.Can anyone help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (7 April 2015):
The dynamics of Extra Marital Affairs (EMA) differ. Some men will move from woman to woman whilst other men will remain loyal to BOTH wife and mistress.Everyone's need in an EMA is different. Cheating is NEVER good but for women AND men in this situation, you wonder all sorts. Am I just a fling or more? Only the affair partner can answer that. Will he cheat on you? Maybe or maybe not.Some people assume people who have EMA's are born cheaters but this is wrong. Some people are loyal and then hit a hard patch and end up in an EMA. They may end it and vow never to be unfaithful again. Some continue to search for something the marriage is lacking. I'm sorry you're struggling to find clarity hun. You're situation isn't great but you're not here to be judged so I won't do that.Thanks for sharing with us, You're brave and we're honoured you could trust us with your question. What you need is to talk to other women in similar situations who won't judge you. I won't name any websites specifically but there are many on the internet where you can talk to women who are in EMA's. You're only human so don't feel afraid to search for more advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): My ex partner had an affair - not a mistress, but she termed herself, to me, as "the other woman". After the shock and the tears and much emailing to and fro between me and her what became very evident was that my ex, who everyone believes to be a thoroughly nice guy, had told her whopping lies and massively distorted the situation between me and him. To give you an example, we were in the process of selling both of our flats (mine was worth more than his) to buy a house together and were regularly having really great sex - and this isn't just my opinion, it's his also and he'd say it to this day. Meanwhile, he'd told her that he wanted to leave me, that we no longer had sex and that I didn't work (I did, I had a great but very demanding job) and if he tried to leave me I would take half of his flat. Of course he ommitted to tell her I owned property of my own and had only ever said to him that, if we ever did split up (which I thought was unlikely) I would NEVER look to take any of his money from him, that I had enough for myself. Obviously he never told her we had sex, let alone great sex.The reason he had an affair? Well, what became clear was that the woman had very deep issues of her own and was quite messed up - I know that a lot of men who have affairs will blame the woman and say this about her, but it just became very, very clear to me that she needed help. She'd been on anti-depressants, was coming to terms with a divorce after realising a man had married her simply to get a visa, had an alcoholic father and was really not (in her own words) very attractive. In other words, she was vulnerable and easy prey. My ex had a drink problem - a big one, but she was so used to being around drunk men that she didn't really notice - and he also was a complete and utter narcissist with NO confidence with women really. He needed an ego boost - not because anything was wrong other than that narcissists constantly need this kind of ego boost and attention - and yet he didn't have the confidence to go to a woman who would be more of a challenge. After the proverbial shit hit the fan and she contacted me to tell me she'd been having an affair with him, he broke down and realised what an absolute idiot he'd been. He realised he was with a highly attractive, intelligent, talented, patient and loving woman with a good job and her own property and who had been devoted to him for (at that time) 16 years. But in the end I dumped him. Not straight away, but after I realised what a narcissist and liar he was. So what I'm saying to you is that this man is, without doubt, a liar and a cheater. But look at yourself and why you won't allow yourself a partner who is just for you. Do you have issues like this woman did? Do you feel, underneath everything, that you don't deserve or can't get a man that's just for you alone with no wife in tow? It would seem to me that you are, for whatever reason, degrading yourself by being his mistress - and maybe part of you likes that feeling of debasement, I mean sexually for some people it's enjoyable. But it would seem like another part of you KNOWS there's something you need to face up to. Maybe it's not so much to do with whether HE will cheat on you, but whether YOU are cheating yourself because you don't have the confidence to start a relationship with a man who is not someone else's leftovers.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (3 April 2015):
Wow lady, bunny boiler much? You "are not responsible for your actions" if he "cheats"?
He IS cheating. On the woman he married, with you. Of course he could cheat on you too.
You have some growing up and soul searching to do. THREATENING YOUR PARTNER IS NEVER AN ACCEPTABLE THING TO DO. That is NOT the correct way to show your love to someone. What are you threatening him with? Ruining his marriage? Hes doing a fine job of that all by himself. Violence? Stalking? Seriously lady, take a good hard look at your words and let it sink in just how psychotic they sound. Not good.
What are you doing?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 April 2015):
yes he can and will replace his mistress as he feels like it, after all his mistress is disposeable and such a man doesnt have morals. I would suggest you stop wasting these precious years of your life on such a non runner and get online or out socialising to meet someone worthwhile. You are wasting time on this man for nothing. And you shouldnt be concerned about being replaced, he isnt yours to be worried about. Trust me you will regret staying with him one day
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 April 2015):
 It's just about impossible to reply to your submittal without pointing out to you, that YOU are enabling HIM to cheat on his wife... and - thereby - are subjecting yourself to the same treatment (i.e. He cheats on YOU, as well.).
You KNOW this man's character... and it's not glowing faithfulness.....
You are correct, that he quite likely has his eyes out for other conquests.... and he will take them - if he can - without regard for fidelity to you OR to his wife....
I suspect that you know the only real, true and final "solution" to how you feel... is to UNCOUPLE from this cad-of-a-man and get on with your life... believing that there really ARE "nice guys" out there..... ONE of whom will meet and fall in love with you... and be the great partner that you crave (AND, that you DESERVE!!!!!).....
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Men who cheat don't have reliable character. Whatever lies he tells his wife to keep her from divorcing him; would probably be the same mouth-load of bull manure that he would tell his mistress. Or, some variation thereof.
Guys who don't feel marriage has boundaries don't feel loyal to the women they're cheating with. In his travels, it is quite possible he may find a few strays along the way, and spend a night. Maybe a quickie with someone he picked-up in a a bar. Honestly, what's to stop him? He has no moral compass.
You say you're having trust issues? He doesn't deserve your trust. If he doesn't mind betraying the trust of the woman he vowed to be faithful to, you don't have a prayer.
If you've been around for awhile; and start growing too attached, he'll feel edgy. The threat is that you might get too possessive, and start expecting him to leave his wife. It is quite likely he will begin searching for your replacement, if you forget your place. He can leave you at the drop of a hat. You have no proof those feelings he speaks of are sincere. He can tell you anything. You're his piece on the side. Naturally he'll say he feels for you, or you'll cutoff his sex-supply.
Trust is not something you invest in a man who would rather betray his wife, than divorce her. How can you believe the words he says? He's a full-time well-experienced player, and knows exactly what to say to keep you purring like a kitten. If his feelings were so strong, why won't he leave his wife? I'm sure he has explained how complicated that is; and how much more important you are to him than she.
If you're gullible, he'll tell you whatever you want to hear, and then some. He will make you feel real important.
Then, go home to his wife. It's just more convenient to have one mistress at a time; but it's even better to trade-in for a new-model ever so often, to cover his tracks.
To keep things fresh and exciting. You don't want your affair to mirror your marriage. Long, exhausting, and boring.
If he found you, he can always find younger, prettier, sexier, and easier to manipulate. He has practiced all his skills on you. So he'll be even better at his game the next time around. For now, you're his favorite. His wife still holds the trump card. Divorce.
It's easier to leave a mistress, than a girlfriend or a wife. There is no real commitment. You never really had him in the first place; because another woman holds the papers that says he's her husband. She can clean him out financially. Take custody of his children, half his property, and legally compel him to pay child-support and alimony. This is compensation for all the heartbreak she suffers. You'll be left with a broken-heart, and little to show for your trouble. He'll cut his losses and move on to the next woman. He'll simply start from a clean slate. Why wouldn't he go for the next best thing? At least his wife has the law on her side.
It's of no importance whether he's a serial-cheater or not. How can you trust him not to cheat with someone else; if he's cheating with you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Hi,I think I can help.I have been in your situation, in a relation with a married man. He was in a happy marriage, never even looked at another woman until we met(he had been married for 20 years or more).We had been together for 3 years before he left his wife and kids for me. In the meantime though it was a long and very painful road leading upto...He never cheated on ME, because he was never mine. However he did sleep with his wife and like you, i did not want to believe it at the time. He was vert sneaky, manipulative and selfish. He would lie to BOTH of us, spinning whatever tails he could to get him out of the crap!He made all kinds of excuses as to why he could not leave his family, even accused me of sleeping around just so he could say that was why he would not leave.We are still together now, even after all of that and a lot more that I can't put in....why? Because i destroyed his family and he is what i deserve, i lying cheat. He is what i ruined a whole family for, and the ironic thing is, he makes me miserable. I don't trust him, I question his every move.I am not having a go at you, my story is 100% legitimate. I hope it gives you some insite, and you realise you could do more with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): And even though "technically" he is not cheating on you with his wife (coz you're the mistress,sorry, you gotta swallow the tough pills with the good times)HOW do you KNOW? How do you know what happens BEHIND closed doors?He might be lying to you right now.He STILL goes back home to HER,doesn't he?Even though he says there is "nothing" there for him?? (I gather, that's what they say to their mistresses apparently)So my question to YOU-how would YOU feel if the tables were turned?Ok,he leaves his wife for you, you start a life together, then WHAT? Wouldn't you have the gnawing doubt (always,always at the back of your head!) that such a heartless and cold man (very self-centred too-only cares about his interests! To hell with his wife's feeling or yours!),so again,how do you KNOW that such a cold man will NOT do the SAME to you one day,even if you do end up together?This is what I don't get about mistresses/cheaters-why do they think they such special snowflakes?You are helping him do it to her, another woman might help YOUR man to do the SAME to you one day. And you know what they say about karma.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2015):
 You know it's getting old when I read these affair post, where it's somehow IMPOSSIBLE for these married men to walk away from their long long term marriage, that somehow their WIFE isn't giving them what they want... Well, the CHEATING husband isn't giving the WIFE what she needs/want either.
That was not a judgement of you, but of THOSE married guys who LIE to their wives and LIE to their OW. (Other Woman).
If what he FELT for you were LOVE and so strong he ONLY wants to be with you, HE should leave his marriage. IS it FAIR to the wife to be STUCK with a man who only takes care emotionally and physically of HIMSELF? You MAY think she is happy to stay because of financial reason, but I DOUBT there are many married ladies out there who WOULD chose to stay with a cheating lying husband GIVEN the choice. Not in this day and age. This isn't the 1800's.
Will he replace you? It's possible, isn't it? If you start to make demands, such as leave your wife and BE with me. Or I WANT you for major holidays. He OBVIOUSLY has NO problems lying to his wife (whom he has shared 20 YEARS of his life with) so why do you think he wouldn't lie to you? Are you somehow better? Or does the wife somehow "deserve" to be lied to, but you don't?
What YOU are left with is a half asses relationship. What you have, is NOT a full one. IT can't be. You CAN'T HAVE him full time - you can't spend holidays with him, you can't spend time with HIS family with him. You are on the outer rim of HIS solar system.
Why ANY woman will want to WASTE her life on a half asses relationship I don't understand. I mean WHAT is the point? Why settle for someone who CAN NOT be yours? But that is your choice, your life.
The more you accuse him, the more you will push him away.
And OP, IF he even left his wife (of 20 years) for you... DO you think you could EVER trust him? Do you think it would last? Or would he spend his time regretting leaving the wife and you regretting HIM leaving his wife....
It is possible that YOU and the WIFE are the only women in his life, and it might be so for the next 30 years. My grandmother was a "mistress" for 50 years. He offered MANY times to leave his wife for her and she refused, because ? SHE didn't WANT to BE the wife... After all... HE had cheated on the WIFE but NOT on her.... Her first husband ( my grand father) had cheated on her too - so I think her "logic" was that men would cheat on their wives... not their mistresses.
Nothing is set in stones.
My question to you though, is this, IF you CONSTANTLY live in fear that he will cheat, doesn't that make it unhealthy for YOU? I mean, DOES it make you happy to be with a guy you really can't TRUST?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 The fear is always of the future, the unknown. You think you will break apart if he replaces you, or one day stops receiving your calls. Perhaps you may feel free of the bondage, so you can find a guy who is single. Everything happens for a good reason. There are married men who remain with their mistresses for more than 10 years. It is also possible that your lover decides he wants to work things out with his wife and stop playing outside. If he's able stay "faithful" to you, he's also able to commit to his wife and stop making mistakes. Although, no one stays in a marriage without a physical and emotional connection.
If you need a certain kind of trust where the man stays with you even when things get boring, routine and comfortable, then a married man is certainly not it. At the beginning things were fresh, time stopped, passion was great and you didn't care. Now you are attached you care. So if you find it hard to stay in this and want to leave, that's great. I don't believe he is one of those serial cheaters. He's just a guy with mid life crisis and wants some ego strokes. You should leave him not because you worry he would cheat on you (although this is your main focus of not being replaced), but because you want more, you want total commitment.
The appeal of an affair is that it's taboo and sweet each time, and you want sweet and permanent, and stay in that zone forever. That's asking for having the cake and eat it too.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Yes it is always a possibility. Some men wish to stay married but like the thrill of the dessert they get on the side. The old expression "if he's cheating with you, he will cheat on you". always comes to mind. We don't know this man, I don't even know if YOU know this man really, but of course it's a possibility that he will find someone new and replace you or try to keep two of you. He'd have to have alot of energy and creativity but some men would be up for it.
You realize that he's lying and cheating on his wife, that's a given. And if he's lying to her, why wouldn't he lie to you as well? Cheaters can be very clever with the stories that they weave. You already don't trust him and keep questioning him about things. Your relationship isn't built on trust and without trust, relationships fail.
My best friend was involved with a married man for 7 years. She wasted some of the best years of her life on a man who swore to her that he loved only her and he stayed with his wife because of the kids, afraid to get a divorce because the wife would take everything...My friend bought the stories hook, line and sinker. Every time she would try to walk away there would be some kind of crisis he would have and he would plead with her to just give him a little more time.
My friend finally got smart and ended things. Two weeks later the guy was out on the town with a woman 10 years younger than my friend. He had been seeing her for 5 years....
I hope you think more of yourself that to end up like my friend...I'd say about 95% of the time men do not leave their wife for the mistress. I hope you aren't holding out for that. You deserve far better than what you are settling for. Please consider what your life will be like if you continue in this relationship. Are a few stolen moments worth all that you are missing by being with someone that sees only you and doesn't have to lie and hide to be with you??
I hope you will think long and hard about what advice is being given to you. Good luck in whatever you chose.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 April 2015):
 The statistics on this are confusing. Most cheaters are not serial cheaters but because serial cheaters cheat so much, most of the cheating that happens is done by serial cheaters. While there is no way for us to predict what your affair partner will do, I will second the notion that your continuous accusations are poisoning your relationship with him and soon it will die unless you find a better way to deal with your insecurities.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Thank you for your responses.Well I made it clear to him from day one that I am to be the only one (I mean besides his wife). In fact he is the one who asked us to be EXCLUSIVE only 3 weeks in. I told him if he ever wants to sleep with someone else to let me know before doing anything he might regret. I have told him time and again that he would DESTROY me if he did that to me. And to walk away from me FIRST. I give him permission. Still he insists I have an over active imagination and I make up scenarios that do not exist and that they are all irrelevant. I told him if he ever cheats and it is a matter of WHEN not IF I find out, I will not be responsible for my actions. And I won't. All bets are off when you get an overly emotional, jilted, bitter, cheated on mistress who has invested herself emotionally (and has given up so much for him - sold her soul essentially) in a man (albeit married) for 2 whole years and counting.He can be playing a very dangerous game.He knows it. As I have also made that clear.Interesting that he is taking me on a trip in a couple months. He booked it. Paid for it. The whole nine yards. And he has planned one more trip for June. So, do I rest assured?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Eh, that's the problem with beng a mistress - that's very diffocult not to have to deal with trust issues. Why ? Because a married man with a secret mistress is obviously a skilled ,consumed liar ,with also no scruples in bending the truth for his selfish ends.
He says to you that you are the only one and he never cheated on you and never will. Which has as many probabilities of being the truth as not - in fact, probably less.
Because he also has at home a wife who, suspicious or simply surprised, must have told him at some point " My, John, we never see you anymore these days ! You are always coming home late,how come ? ... " and he will have sighed , rolled hs eyes and said " Ah tell me about it. The new boss, he' s such a slavemaster. He won't be happy until he'll see us about drop dead by fatigue and overtime , all he thinks is profit . But, what can I do- it's a tough market out there ".
So, it's hard to take at face value anything a professional liar says . It's really a gamble.
He may be fibbing to his wife, but not to you.
Or, he may be playing both of you . Now, and / or in future. Who knows.
What you can be certain ,though, is that if he is not and / or will not be cheating on you , thos is not because of a voluntary committment , or moral integrity , or his personal set of values. Because he did not have trouble in betraying his wife ,once given an appealing alternative. So it's reasonable to consider ( I am not even saying " to assume ") , that, given ANOTHER appealing alternative,- this time to YOU -,... his ethics would leave
again for an extended Grand Tour.
I guess all you can do is hoping that he never meets another appealing alternative, i.e. strong enough motivation to lie to you.
Or else, you develop nerves of steel and DECIDE to make a leap of faith, and take his word as gold, on principle; and train yourself to never focus your thoughts on the possibility to be betrayed.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 April 2015):
A complex situation warrants a complex answer. But this is not one of those cases. The husband is cheating on his wife therefore his credibility will suffer before he even tries.
There have been many women like yourself on this site in the same situation. The point is that they want more but after "x" number of years they never get it. So the women turn bitter. In your situation, you are accusing him on cheating.
We give advice to better help the person, not re-assure them that their wrong actions will work out for the best. Life is not about following "what ifs" and "could've". Follow your heart but take your mind with you.
I do not think there is any way to salvage your affair. I think the stress is already taking its toll. Even if he IS cheating on you, what can you do about it? My advice would be to try to walk away from this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Hypothetical questions can be hard to answer as everyone is different. I am curious when you say you are worried about him cheating as he is already cheating - with you! When I was very young I had an affair during my marriage and left my husband for him so I have some understanding. The relationship didn't work out - mostly his choice. Perhaps he didn't trust me, who knows. I have now been married for a long time to someone else and felt no desire to cheat but I am older and wiser now. You have been conducting the affair for nearly 2 years now and he doesn't look to be in a hurry to leave his wife so the balance of probability is that he won't. I left my husband within a few weeks as I didn't want to carry on living a lie.He could keep you dangling for years. Do you want that? He says he is scared of his feelings but what he's scared of is his wife finding out and being forced to make a decision.It's your choice as to whether you continue on with the affair but don't you think you deserve better?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Your fear is very valid.
He is a liar.
He is a cheater.
by cheating on his wife and lying to his wife, a woman he has been with for over 20 years he proves to you time and time again that you can't trust him that he's able to lie and pull it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): I couldn't possibly see him getting much time to cheat when he's married AND with a mistress already.
He cheated with you... of course he could cheat with someone else. But worrying about it and being insecure about it won't stop it happening if it does. It might even push him away.
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