A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend of 7 years has asked for sex with another woman, I kind of understand, we are both our firsts and only. We found a woman about our age for a threesome. I am 37 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and she is fit, slender, and has more sexual experience. I thought that I could go through with this, but last night after I went to sleep, my boyfriend and her continued to email each other. He emailed her things that he has never talked to me about. They have the same sexual fantasies and I feel like he's already lost interest in me and we we haven't done anything yet. Am I being paranoid? Or is this a red flag?
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am I being paranoid, sex with another, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): You should be trying to have a stable relationship with your bf since you have kids (let alone are pregnant!). Threesomes are relationship rockers-- they often break them up!
You can have threesomes, but I would say it's a lot safer to have them when all your kids are in their teens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): Eeww!! It's all very mucky. Having a threesome whilst pregnant would make my stomach turn. Don't let him talk you into it. He's walking all over you while you are at your most vunerable. I would start planning my exit if I were you. He's not going to change, he's going to get worse. Good luck.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): no no just NO
You're about to have a baby.... His request is just ridiculous!!!!
I don't even know you, but you deserve A LOT better!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): He is a creep, the whole thing is creepy. I would end the relationship now. As soon as things like this crop up you need to walk away for good. Children will make it much harder, you don't want your children growing up under his influence.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 April 2015):
i dont think you understand exactly what is wrong with all this. NONE of it is acceptable. The threesome, other woman, messaging, none of it. Shouldnt he and you be concentrating on your kids and the one to come? Why are you going along with his selfish desires?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): You don't seem to grasp the magnitude of all this. It's gone far beyond red-flags, to blazing banners waving furiously in every direction, with sirens going-off!
This man has not committed to you after seven years, and three children. He has sought your permission (he really doesn't require) to have sex with another woman. You've been invited basically to watch. He is the star of the show, she's the leading lady, and you're just an extra. I guarantee, it will not be about you.
Of course he has lost interest in you. You are just the person who keeps making him babies. While your body is changed by pregnancy and child-birth; he's searching for someone with no attachments, no responsibilities, a slender body, and no babies. Then he will dump you, runoff with another woman; and leave you a single-mother with three children to feed.
You gave him permission to look for your replacement. I'm not sure how you can would say in all seriousness, that you "understand?" My guess is, he had the girl picked out long before he asked you.
You're having his third child? He wants a threesome?
Seriously?!!
My dear, you don't have to put yourself through this.
I wish it was as simple as suggesting you pack all his stuff and put it on the porch. There are three children that are depending on the both of you. You're in your early twenties, and I can see where you're afraid he'll just up and leave; if you don't yield to his outrageous request.
I think he has already lost interest in the confinement of your common-law marriage( seven years in many states in the U.S.); and his forced family-life. This is all contrary to the alternative life-style he's asking you to allow him.
I think it might be safe to say, you're by no means paranoid; but you are too permissive.
You were given the advice to stop him. I think you'll only make a vain-attempt to stop him; but he will do whatever he pleases. Your answer should be no. That's how you feel in your heart. I am so worried how this is going to damage you psychologically, and the depression that could follow.
If he cares, ask him not to do this. I hope he won't for your sake. My greatest fear is that he's already gone too far with the chatting and flirting. He has already shown no regard for your feelings by standing up all night chatting with that woman.
Don't go through with the threesome. I don't think you'll derive much pleasure in "watching." Consider getting out of this situation. You'll have to gather the courage to leave him. You can't see that now, but I am certain that you will have no choice. From the outside looking in, I believe your relationship is already over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Everyone has different ideas about relationships and what the boundaries are. You have to determine what your boundaries are. This sounds as if it is causing you all sorts of stress and it would not be something you would willingly go into. Is that right? Are you doing it just to please him? If so, then going through with it would cause you so much upset. Be true to how you really feel about it and discuss this with him. See how he reacts.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Of course it is a red flag. What's in it for you? How much will a 3some enhance your marriage? It's rhetorical of course. You gain nothing but jeopardize your marriage because he wants your consent to have sex with some other woman, and right in front of you while using you to generate a lesbian scene for himself over which he gets off in porn. Marriage is not a porn flick, and since he does not seem to know it, please make sure that you do. Nor does it matter how many sexual fantasies they have in common because they are all just fantasies, not reality, and it is naive that you can have fantasies of lust and still keep the reality of love. In fact that is why 3somes are confined to fantasies because they are very incompatible with the reality which requires love, of which monogamy is the sacrificial expression husbands and wives pledge to one another. So find a way to put a stop to this and remove that girl from your marriage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 I love it when some men make babies they only think of his virility. They like the thought they could blow up a woman's belly. Then when it comes to responsibility, loyalty, stretch marks, quality family time, changing diapers, soothing the baby at night time. They want none of it. You may think marriage is just a piece of paper but 7 years without marriage means he feels he has the freedom to walk away. Don't give him the green light to cheat if you want to remain in this relationship.
At the beginning you may think it's exciting to entertain the thought of the taboo, doing things that normal people are afraid to do. Maybe you have bisexual tendencies, or you felt bad that you had been rejecting sex several times already. The red flag you are talking about here is that you thought it was just sex but the emailing back and forth could mean that they are also developing an emotional connection. He could be excusing himself that he didn't want to have sex with a complete stranger and wanted to develop rapport.
I think the threesome alone you could deal with. It's the fact that he's beginning to distance you. You are granting him the freedom to find a "girlfriend experience" while you are just a baby mama, as if women are just satisfied being mamas and their job is done. Tell him your needs, what he can do to make you feel secure and happy.
If he is not so concerned about your emotional being then you have to be businesslike with him. Either stick to monogamy or deal with living in a separate dumpy place while paying child support to three kids. He can't be "with" you and have other girlfriends too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Major red flag.
If he wants to have sex with another woman, are you also allowed to have sex with another man? (once you have had HIS child and your body is getting back to normal?)
To me it sounds like he wants YOUR permission to cheat and he is using the fact that you were BOTH each other's firsts and that you are pregnant as "blackmail".
YOU two have 3 children together. AND now his LIBIDO and SEXUAL fantasies are MORE important than the MOTHER of his 3 kids? IS he serious?
I would put my foot down. HE CHOSE to date you, to ONLY have sex with you so far. He could have ended it BEFORE having kids, so he could go out and sow his "wild oats"...
I agree with C. Grant (as usual) HE is telling you in NO subtle way that he isn't interested in monogamy anymore, that HIS penis is more important then you and the kids.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (3 April 2015):
 You don't sound in the least paranoid to me. He's telling you that monogamy isn't for him, and you've given him permission to go this far. Put a stop to it. I'm going to guess that you're not at the peak of your self-confidence as far as body image is concerned. Plus you're physically limited to some extent by an advanced pregnancy. Lying naked next to a "fit, slender" woman sounds like a really bad idea. Going through with this is going to harm your relationship, pure and simple.
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