A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I will try to make this as short as possible. I am 60 yrs old, live with my boyfriend (AND his grumpy Mother) for 3 yrs...who has been divorced for over 20 years, he has a 30yr old daughter who is married with kids of her own.My boyfriend has a long history of having girlfriends, while STILL having an affair with his ex wife on the side... and eventually he would go back to her after he broke it off with his girlfriends.I am the ONLY girlfriend who has lasted more than a year with him, because I just keep HANGING IN THERE, due to my age, plus I have no family who would take me in, nor a good job.He and I started out this relationship, with HIM CHEATING ON ME with his EX, 2 1/2 years ago. I even caught him spending the night over there. At the time, his daughter lived there with her family also... and he claimed that he was only there to SEE THE KIDS.His EX posts things to antagonize me on a "Social Media Site" ... and I do it too. (I'm not an angel, she irritates the heck out of me.) AND he is "Friends" with her on the Site.Everytime my boyfriend talks to his EX on the phone, he closes the conversation with "Love You" I feel that this is inappropriate. He claims that he thinks of her as "Family", and that it is NOT MY BUSINESS how he interacts with her.We live an hour away from his EX. NOW he is looking to buy a house which is 20 minutes away from her.Everytime I express my concerns, he gets infuriated and tells me that I need HELP, and that I should go to see a Councellor... because "I" have ISSUES. DO I?? I am at my wits end with this situation, but I am TRAPPED.
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Hnk  +, writes (2 June 2015):
 All the very best of luck !
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Congrats on the new job! And good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank you all once again for your advice. Your answers sound exactly what I would advice someone. I guess I posted my concern, because I needed confirmation that I was on the right track about my own thoughts on this situation. I just wanted to let you all know that I am currently looking for another place to live. And that I will not let him know where I am. I AM DONE. I also found a job as a Leasing Consultant. Whew! GOOD THING!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2015):
 I would let him move and stay where you are. I like the idea of a roommate. You have some options. can you buy a condo or something and get a roommate to help with the bills?
Since you can't change HIM do you want to change YOU?
if you let him go and don't follow him what's the worst thing that can happen?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 April 2015):
 Be proud of your ability to give good advice on this site. Life experience equips you to understand the situations others find themselves in.
Especially if been there/done that recognition kicks in.
Sometimes people can see the perfect solutions for others but be blind to the answer for their own situation.
I think though that you will distill all the good advice offered to you on the dearcupid.org site and arrive at your choice of solution/s that best meet your needs at the time.
Hope you put yourself as your number one priority and stop putting yourself last.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2015):
If you have 40K in the bank, why not look into a room mate situation? Where you rent a room instead of finding your own place (yet). Then keep looking for jobs even perhaps one you may not have considered to do - something to HELP you not dig too deep into your savings. And then you need to budget, cut all things you REALLY don't NEED right now. Go for a cheap cellphone (pay as you go instead of contract), no cable, no internet.
And GET off Facebook, it seems to do you more harm than good.
I am not sure why you are really with him. He treats you like dirt and you know it.
He seems to THRIVE on dysfunctional relationships. YOUR and the one he has with his ex. (and I'm sure other ex GF's).
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou would think that at my age, that I wouldn't need advice.
I have given advice to several people on here and outside of here. But when it comes to MYSELF and my Life... I get STUMPED sometimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU FOR THE RESPONSES!!! YOU ALL ARE GREAT! :)
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male
reader, Hnk +, writes (6 April 2015):
I think he doesn't treat you well enough and I'm supposing this is because of you thinking you got no where to go and thus keep up with him. I am afraid , once a person knows how far we can get away with something, and in this case mistreating you, it becomes a norm!I suggest you move out of his house and live on your own. 40k is a good amount especially if you are looking for a job as well.Even though it seems suggestive he wants to be closer to her house, it also might be that he likes that particular area of the city much better which happened to be closer to her as well. I dont think people are stupid enough to buy houses just to be close to an ex! Whatever maybe the reasons for him moving, I don't think you have any real position to ask him to buy somewhere else. (Unless you are splitting mortgage )I think you need to work a bit on yourself and your insecurities before you are ready to be in the dating world again!Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been looking for a job. I am doing online Resume Submissions. With my type of background, the only replies that I get are the ones that I don't want.... which are Real Estate Jobs, or Insurance Sales.... which I have done before, and they are Commission Based Only.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 April 2015):
Hi, I suspect the only reason you are still on his leash is because you are not penniless. He treats you like dirt. He is not committed to you and his mealy mouthed excuses don't hold water.Is he over his ex? Absolutely not.Does he still feel guilt about his part cheating and breaking up with his wife? You might know the answer to that from the way he interacts with his ex.I can guarantee his ex does not want to look after his mother.She's probably happy you are prepared to help take care of his mother, who I guess must be possibly around 80ish?In fact I wonder of his mother and his ex do not get on?He still keeps in touch with his ex, perhaps waiting for the day when they can resume once his mother has passed away.That he wants to move closer to his ex is probably so that he can more easily visit his ex for quick visits.After all he is getting older and long distance driving is possibly making him feel too tired.It is not as if his children are themselves toddler stage and that he needs to be closer to his ex to see his children regularly.They are now old enough to visit their fatherHe is way too close to his ex for comfort.I am greatly in favour of an Ex and their Ex getting on civilly and maintaining a polite relationship.Yet he finishes calls to her with ''love you''? Really? So he is working his magic trying to get back to her?His children may be pressuring him to return to the marriage. (Hoping age has slowed him down so he will not cheat again??)His children are wrong on that. He will cheat again.Is he likely to cheat on you and cheat on his ex if he ever moves back to living closer to his ex? I think yes, based on his past form.I suspect he would like your 40,000 as the deposit on his next home.Don't do it. You need that for you, considering how much respect he offers.Do not go near Social Media. It is just a web site but often degenerates into sheer petty juvenile tit for tat rubbish.Find some hobbies. Do some volunteering (that is great experience for when you do apply for a job)If you are not currently working then spruce up your CV and start applying for jobsEmployers are not as ageist as you may believe. Where I work there is a woman 70, several 65, two men 68 and a man 73. People are fitter and more positive and they can bring a lot of experience to the job. The 20ish staff just out of University learn a lot from them as do the 30ish staff benefit from one on one mentoring by more experienced staff.And if you feel you cannot survive on your own your then explore some women's shelter. If you don't feel you need then yet I believe you may need one eventually.I think the writing is on the wall that you are his bed warmer and his potential Mom carer and you may even be his intended home deposit source for the next property he buys (closer to his ex)If he currently owes you any money then diplomatically ask for it back. Do NOT give any indication that you are leaving.Don't Nag. Just be quietly assertive and don't get into an argument.Just let him know, ''ABC, I lent you that $amount last month / week and I really need it back as I find I'm a bit short of funds this week.''If he baulks or demands to know what and why, and then tell him that you told him already, that you are short of funds this week. If he says no, then tell him how reasonable you are:''ABC I know it's horrible when we find ourselves short of money. I'm a reasonable person ABC so I'll off you instalments. So I expect $50 this Thursday and then another $50 each fortnight until the debt is clearGo on line and find out what options are available locally, and in your state, and federally for women who find themselves alone and unable to afford expensive rented apartments.Look at any shelters and support programs.You need to start getting to know how these support options work and how you can qualify to access them.But as your situation could change in a minute do NOT GIVE HIM ANY INDICATION that you are leaving him. And be very mindful that his Mom will notice and tell her son if she sees you sorting thing outI just do not see him offering you any more than you have now. I don't think he's in the right frame of mind to commit to any woman (including his ex)Three years and NO COMMITMENT? Way too long to wait.But Three years together? No wonder his Ex is threatened by your presence.Twenty years divorced? And still COMMITTED enough to his ex that he wants to move closer to her?And he has loved up calls to his ex?So SHE has not moved on and is available to him.And He has not fully moved on and is COMMITTED enough to be available to her when they want to talk.You don't need counselling. But some coaching to raise your self-esteem may help you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): Well, from one perspective, EVERYONE in the world has "issues". And it's perfectly possible for a person to even spend most of their life in counselling if they chose to. Nowadays counselling seems to be something that most people have at least at some stage in their life - it's become quite normalised, whereas 20 years ago, at least over here in the UK, it was relatively taboo.
So, I don't think it would harm you to go to see a counsellor. But it's best to go to one recommended by your doctor, rather than pay and rather than go with someone who'se practice isn't regulated in any way.
A counsellor might help you to look at your past history to figure out why and how you made the decisions that brought you into this situation in which you seem to feel quite trapped and frustrated and degraded. Probably they would go way back to see what early events might have made you feel, at a deeper level that you're not aware of - that you deserve that kind of situation.
They may also help you, after that, to find ways to make different decisions to take you forward in life. I am pretty sure that over here in the UK anyone over 60 can get free counselling due to their age - I think through Age Concern and via a GP. Possibly there's something similar where you are.
With that said, the man you are with is definitely not in a superior position just because he's suggested counselling. It's very clear he has his own issues and needs counselling himself. He is the classic commitment phobic and I doubt anything will change him at this age.
What strikes me is that you seem aware that your behaviour towards this other woman is not nice behaviour, But you still behave in that way rather than choosing another option. I think things like that happen when people really do feel trapped in a situation and start to lash out in sheer frustration. I'm sure in a different situation you are capable of being very kind and caring. But for some reason you are not putting yourself in those different circumstances, where the best parts of you would come out and you could form different kinds of caring relationships.
Whilst you stay in this man's home it's going to be virtually impossible for you to change your life and bring out your best aspects and best sides of your personality. The home that we live in is an absolutely major factor in our life and it pretty much sets the scene for how we live. I really think you need a change of scene, almost totally, from this. It's a degrading situation to be in. 40K in the bank is something to be proud of and will help to make life a little easier over the longer term. But without another form of income it's probably not going to be enough for you to buy a property of your own - could be a great deposit for a mortgage though. Do you have any skills that you could use to start up your own business? What kind of work have you done previously? And can you say a bit more about how you came to be in this situation with this man? What happened in the past, in terms of family, relationships, friendships and finance to make you move in with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe expects me to move WITH him....closer to HER
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight now, I dont have a job...but I have 40k in the bank
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Some men can only "love" when their objects of love do not demand total commitment, or as long as the love is not finite and makes them feel stuck. They love when they want to and disappear until they miss the spouse. Because they feel it's legit to pull away then come back, they brand women who do not give them this freedom as having issues. He won't ever go back fully to his wife, otherwise he would have moved back to her. Then they would have this issue all over again, which was the reason for the divorce. He just figures it's easier for him to travel 20 minutes each time. I am assuming he's selling this house then moving you there with him? Or he's just going to find some excuse to break off this relationship.
If you go to see the counsellor she would tell you to end the relationship. She would say he is in the wrong but as to where you live there has got to be other ways.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2015):
You say you are trapped, is that because you CAN'T live on your own? You have no place/income?
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