A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was a virgin when I met my wife. More than that, I didn't even have another serious girlfriend before then. Meanwhile, she had a bit of an adventurous past. At the time we first dated I didn't really care. However, once we fell in love it really started to gnaw at me. It still does. She doesn't understand what the big deal is. She is not sympathetic. If anything, the way I feel turns her off. I am haunted by the demons of her past. I have tracked down some of her ex-boyfriends and sometimes I feel like doing harm to them, leaving her, and living out the rest of my life as a monk. When I told her I tracked them down she said that was scary. She doesn't really understand what it is like to be in my shoes. I feel like I have been punished by finding my soulmate on the first try and then having her turn out to be the type of slut that she was - and the worst of it is that she's now this boring, chaste, unexciting woman in bed. That makes my pain all the worse, that she was adventurous and experimental with those men and she is a cold fish with me. I feel like we are not meant to be and I am sorry I ever gave myself up to her, love or not.
View related questions:
fell in love, her ex, her past, sexual past, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Please do go ahead, leave your wife , and by all means go be a monk. At least once you are locked up in your monastery they'll keep an eye on you and you'll be out of harm's way- other people's harm.
The fact that you tracked down your wife's exes , and feel like doing harm to them, is downright scary.
The fact that you believe in chastity and premarital abstinence, and yet you went ahead and married a ( in your eyes ) slut for the sake of bringing up her past , throwing it into her face, and go bothering her exes too, is severely disquieting too.
Therapy might help, but I suspect you'd not even consider it .
So becoming a monk does not sound like a bad solution, at least you can't do any damage .
A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 I think you should divorce her, this is something that it will not leave you and will make your life miserable every single day.I agree with everyone else that tracking down her exes is not something you should be doing, but what I don't agree with them is that they are telling you that you are irrational and must get over it, that just proves how little understanding they have for you, they are ignorant at how much pain this can cause for someone, specially if they were virgins before their partners and they weren't.I'm a virgin too, and would only be with a virgin, because I know I wouldn't be able to get over it, only thinking about the possibility of ending up with someone who didn't wait hurts me, I can't even imagine how much pain it would cause to have it happening to me.That is why this people don't understand you, they most likely already lost their virginity, and probably it wasn't a big deal from the start, they can't even hope to grasp how painful it is. Tracking down her exes and thinking of your wife like a slut are very bad things, but what everyone fails to see is that is not because you are a bad person, you are just in a lot of pain, and you don't know how to deal with it.And your wife is just as ignorant ti this pain, she is not sympathetic, that just proves how different you both are, for her that will never be a bug deal and she will never see it as something to being hurt about, that is a major reason why you should end this marriage, she will never see your problem as something she can feel empathy, she will always see you as you being wrong and she being right, for her this is just foolishness in your part and thinks that you are idiotic and irrational for it, when is just different beliefs to hers, and you both are entitled to your beliefs, but sadly this beliefs clash and will make a relationship that lacks understanding.And don't listen to the guys telling you to get counseling, maybe to control your anger, but nit to get over your beliefs, who are they to say that your worries are meaningless, those are your beliefs, no one has the right to tell you that your beliefs are wrong, that's just proves my point further about that they probably didn't care about virginity in the first place, and they will not be able to understand you, And I'm not saying that their beliefs are wrong, they too have the right to differents beliefs, but they are trying to impose them on you.So all in all is better for both of you if you just end this relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Retroactive jealousy (RJ) is very common. I have been through a really bad case myself after being married 28 years. I knew my wife was wild before me. I knew about the men and some of the details. I never cared during the years while she was fullfilling her side of our love life. She went through menopause about 4 years ago. Her libido died and RJ hit me hard. I didn't do anything stupid or even mention it to her. People have to go through RJ to understand it. I couldn't control it, it controlled me. I still have it but it no longer is in charge. Time will help you. I think that had her libido not died, I would have never gone through this. I stayed because there was no guarantee it would be different with anyone else. Take one day at a time and don't be stupid. She isn't doing this to you, it is in your head only. Good luck. It can get better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You need to be rehabilitated. So she had a life before you....big deal. . You have anger, resentment built up. I would divorce you with a restraining order and move states change jobs. GET HELP for the demons that torment you
...............................
A
female
reader, javex06  +, writes (14 October 2011):
This comes close to the line of paranoia.
It's easy to say "don't let it get to you", but in truth, that's much harder.
A lesbian friend of mine went through the same thing but it took a few months worth of counselling for her to resolve the issue.
It's not that uncommon.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Join the club my friend, it's never going to leave your head either. 47 years later, I still have regrets but I wasn't 'perfect' either so think about your faults too.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
 If you feel this way about your wife. the woman you supposedly love.... you call her a slut.... you (and your wife) would probably be best served by ending the marriage.
What was in the past was not done TO YOU... it is what it is.
No I don't get retroactive Jealousy... but I can see it's very real and hurtful to you and your wife.
Therapy sounds like a good idea for you as well.
Tracking down and wanting to harm prior partners is a bit over the top and yes rather scary... and tell me after you harm them in the worst possible way what will that do for how you feel? She will still have had relations with these now grievously harmed men...
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (14 October 2011):
I'm not surprised she is acting "boring, chaste and unexciting" in bed. I would probably be like that if my other half were like you. To be honest I think I would probably border on being afraid of what you might do because your behaviour seems very irrational. If I thought my OH was obsessed with my past- seemingly, more concerned with what I had done in the past than our current relationship- I would probably withdraw myself because I would consider it to be a very unattractive and immature way to act. She herself has told you she thinks that tracking down her exes is scary. If someone is scared by their partner's behaviour it is unlikely to make them relaxed, uninhibited and adventurous in the bedroom.
The problem is 1) she hasn't done anything wrong 2) you knew about her past before you married her but still chose to go ahead with it and 3) you are now letting the past affect your current relationship in a very negative way.
Have you considered getting counselling for the way you feel about this. It seems like a classic case of retrospective jealousy, but it also seems serious enough to the extent that you need to get rid of these feelings sooner rather than later. Consider the help of a professional.
Incidentally, how do you know that your wife was very adventurous with past partners?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You have Retroactive jealousy. It is one of the most common themes on this website. Do a search and you will find it has been covered VERY extensively.
Be careful who you take advice from about this. There are two kinds of people, those who "get it" and those who don't. Most people who don't get it are a bad source of advice or sympathy. Their feedback usually ranges from not very useful to downright cruel.
The short answer is that you should probably break up with this woman. I don't think her sexual past makes her a bad person on principle but she is all wrong for you. It also sounds like she is not being sensitive to the fact that this is an issue for you at all.
And the fact that she was wild with other guys but only plays boring with her husband now? Inexcusable. I'm not saying a person owes their spouse anything they have ever done in the past, but what you are describing is too far. She did everything with other guys casually, married a virgin, and won't do anything interesting now? Not even some stuff, not even some of the time? That is absolutely inexcusable. She does not respect and value your happiness like she did her previous men. You deserve better.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Hi,I am about the same age as you, and I am very old school in terms of relationship. I am 38 years old, and I have been involved in two serious relationship, and had sex with only those 2 men. As far as I know, at my age, I am the only person that had 2 sexual partner her entire life. When you said monk, made me laugh, not at you, but your comment was pretty funny. I have to agree with your girlfriend, the fact that you track her old ex-boyfriends is kind of scary. Why? I know you were a virgin, and wish your girlfriend was too at the time you met her, but doesn't mean she's a slut. The first boyfriend I met, I was in my mid-twenties, and I didn't like him that much, but I felt pressure in having sex, because all my girlfriends had boyfriends, many different men, and were all having sex. I was not a slut. I regret, but I was a mistake I have to live with. I was with him six years. People meet people, fall in love, and have relationship that naturally becomes physical. Some people fall in love more easily, and more often than others. If she had sex with varies men, it's because at that time she felt they were the right guy, doesn't mean she's slut. That's how we meet the right person, trying. It takes a few mistakes until we find the one we will spend the rest of our lives with. I hope you understand that, just because you didn't meet the right girl before you met your girlfriend, or because she thinks differently than you, doesn't mean she's wrong, or that she's a slut. As a matter fact, you should be proud, confident, happy, because to her, your girlfriend, you are better that her ex-boyfriends, that's why she's with you. She loves you, and you should be happy to have a partner on life. Someone that cares for you. She's probably different now, because you are making her feel uncomfortable. Maybe, she gets angry, because she's not proud of her past, and it's not an easy subject to talk about past relationships. Sex is probably not as exciting because you are making her feel uneasy. Bottom line, you shouldn't stress about her past, because it was the past! She didn't know you, and she didn't do anything wrong to you. Enjoy life, enjoy your girlfriend, be happy, try to make the best of the relationship. It's hard to find someone that you really connect these days. Someone normal.. In this case you are wrong, and I agree with your girlfriend. I hole you stop feeling this way, don't waste time, and energy thinking this way, instead concentrate in making this relationship better. If you are food to her, appreciate her, make her happy, I am sure she will do the same to you. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Firstly, tracking down her ex's and wanting to do harm to them is not only scary, but totally unacceptable. they have done nothing to you, you were not part of her life when they were with her, and so they did nothing to you. the fact that you married her later does not give you a right to be angry over things that happened before she knew you. She is right it is scary behavior and you need to see a counselor and get therapy for this irrational behavior. Secondly, you say she is cold to you, well if you refer to her as a slut and say your tracking down people from her past and want to hurt them, no wonder she is cold to you, if it was me I would have divorced you in a second and made sure the divorce courts knew how irrational and dangerous you were acting. You are not acting like a normal rational human being. Your lucky you found your soul-mate in your first relationship, it is rare. We can not make decisions based on who we might meet in the future, only on what we know at the time, and nobody should be judging us on that. I doubt you really know what love is, because if you did you would never refer to the woman you love as a slut, or consider leaving her over things that happened before she met you. If you do love this woman, then forget about her past, and be thankful that she is in your life. To love someone is to accept them for who they are, all parts of them. Please get help because you will never find any peace or happiness thinking this way. Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, JustKalie1010 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Hmm... It is a little scary that you tracked down her exes and want to do harm to them. Her sexual past, really has nothing to do with you. The only thing tormenting you.... Is YOU. Your tormenting yourself by thinking about all of the things shes done as if it's a bad thud. Really, it's jut her business, and it was before she married you, so it had nothing to so with you, it wasn't cheating or anything. So you just need to forget her sexual past. It may seem intimidating to you, but going out of your way to track down her exes is just a little hit much. Maybe try talking to her about it again. But the best thing you can do is try really hard not to let it get to you
...............................
|
