A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This might be long so ill get straight to it. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I have serious trust issues. He hasn't done anything to make me not trust him but I don't. Truth be told o trust no one. Especially men. Today we spent the day together and he got a missed call. He sad maybe it was his college so he called back. It wasnt. It was a woman. I dont know who she is and he wasnt trying to hide the convo but it gave me this horrible feeling in my stomach. At the end of the call he said i love u too to whoever it was. I was too scared to ask who it was cuz i dont want him to know the issues i have. And i was scared to hear the answer. I dont know how to get past these feelings and i dont want it to ruin what we have. He shoukdnt have to pay for others mistakes. I also have this huge fear that he will leave me for his ex (when she gets out of prison). I dont want to lose him but i dont know how to ge passed this. Also it worries me because he claims he has had the tattoo of a girls name on his ring finger since more than a couple years ago when we had very briefly dated before ( and had not seen eachother since) but it is his last exes name whom he had supposedly only dated a few weeks before she went to jail. It just doesnt add up to me. This would mean that either he dated her once before or has dated 2 woman with the same name. I dont know how to trust him. Im just terrified of getting hurt or cheated on again. Please help me. This is tearing me apart. How do i talk to him about this without seeming like im a crazy jealous psycho. I want this to work but if i cant get over this it will ruin us just like it has ruined past relationships. I really want to be able to talk to him without seeming crazy and messing this up. Thank u for ur time any advice will be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u guys for Ur advice. Let me clarify that he isn't withdrawn or anything. Even right after the call he was very affectionate. As for y I am insecure it is because of past relationships. I know he is not them. I just don't know how to separate the past from now. I'm heavily guarded. I know that the call was probably a family member but my insecurity makes me doubt it. I think what bothers me more is the tattoo thing. He supposedly had it a couple years ago when we briefly dated before (which ended due to schedule issues) but its the same name as the woman he was with prior to me, and he had told me that he only was with her a few weeks before he got arrested, and shortly after she did too. It just makes no sense to me and i dont know how to ask him about the tattoo without sounding crazy. I cant shake this fear of losing him to her when she gets out. He also has pics of her (a whole album actually) and her kids on his facebook. I have looked into getting help for my insecurities as they are deeply burned into me since childhood. In the meantime i need to know how to ask him about the tattoo and his ex without seeming crazy. Thank u again.
A
female
reader, tb0721 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I definately think its okay to casually ask who was on the phone without sound like a jealous girlfriend. I think if you just casually said who was that sounds like he would tell you especially since he didnt hide the call. Most men that cheat try to hide it and he didnt. There are many women in his life that he could love...Aunt, cousin, mom, sister, etc. Sounds like you still struggle with the past relationships that damaged your trust and as difficult as it is you need to keep each relationship separate. This doesnt mean become naive if signs are there but dont create signs that truly arent there because of your insecurities. It will only damage every relationship you attempt. I struggle with it myself as I was cheated on so I understand its much easier said than done. Maybe seeking counseling for yourself will help you get past the trust issues you struggle with but it wont happen overnight. It will be alot of work but Im sure worth it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 How long have you been together? Did he get that girls name tattoo removed?
If some random woman called a boyfriend of mine and he ended it with "I love you too" I'd hope it was his mother, because otherwise I don't see why he needs to be that close to someone else when he has a girlfriend. Next time: ASK. I think you are fair to ask who it was. If he doesn't want to answer, ok, but you can still ask him can't you? It appears that there are several little things he does that don't add up, that he's not very open about either. He didn't hide the phone call, but he didn't exactly tell you who called either... Maybe he should have? Or maybe he's one of those who say "I love you"'s in all directions to everyone and anyone?
When something bothers you I think it is better to be honest about it and ask about it rather than hide it, because eventually you'll trust him less and less, and in the end you'll be so scared and nervous you'll just end up miserable in the relationship.
There are 3 main ways to get insecure in a relationship. A) is that you came into the relationship as insecure. Have you had previous boyfriends, were you insecure with them as well? Are you an insecure person, who doubts her self worth? You said you don't trust anyone, which leads me to think this first option is true about you. You must then look into WHY you don't trust anyone. And start to work on yourself when it comes to that. Then lay a bit of trust in someone close to you and see what happens. If you have dated your boyfriend for only a couple of months he's not a person yet that you should add a lot of trust in, as you've only known him a few months. Instead, work on adding trust in someone else close to you, a good friend for example.
The two other ways to get insecure in a relationship is if B) your partner IS cheating, sneaky, lying, going behind your back etc. Or C) isn't reaffirming their love and dedication, neglects you, pulls away from you emotionally, is distant, unavailable, and doesn't put you first, despite there being no desire to cheat or betray. Just a show of disinterest from time to time is enough to make someone question what they are worth to that person.
I do wonder if your case isn't a mix of primarily A and then a bit of the others. Stories that don't add up can be innocent, but they make you uneasy, like in option C. If there's other people he puts first and you come in second row then that's option C. When he takes calls like that, and tell a stranger that he loves them, and then ignores you a bit afterwards, thats option C. Instead he could have told you right away who it was as and kissed you right away afterwards and held your hand and made you feel special (and maybe he didn't because he doesn't understand that you need reaffirmation, or he could be immature).
Personally, if someone gave me a call like that while with a boyfriend I'd understand perfectly if they wanted to know who it was, but that'd because I don't say "I love you" to each random person I meet. To me those are special words for special people. Maybe your boyfriend just doesnt think those words are as special as you do. Maybe another reason why you should talk to him about how much value he puts into those words and who he feels comfortable saying them to.
Or, finally, if you've just known him for a few months then you need to take your time and let trust come over time. You can't automatically trust everyone you meet, that'd be very naive. It's natural that you hold back until you know the person better. In the case of your boyfriend I really think you need to know him better, need to learn who he says "I love you" to, if those are special words to him or not, learn more about how he shows his dedication to you, because it could be he shows it through actions you take for granted. But these things come in time.
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