A
male
age
41-50,
*ickRud2019
writes:Ever since my wife and i met she has always been a very conservative virgin girl, her choice and she was very string that it was important to her. I knew she had a BF before me but she insisted she was a virgin and it was very important to her. This has throughout our relationship, at first it was her making sure we took things slow and making sure she took each step carefully as her virginity was so so so important to her. After a while (and after we were married) it became more form me not believing her about her past BF as gaps in her stories and insistence started to appear.Now like 10 years later she was drunk and admitted to me she had sex with her bf all those years ago and has lied to me ever since. She says she is sorry for lying to me and causing so many arguments about it, but it was only with him and only while they were together as a couple. She was also open about what they did together.Last week i was cleaning in the garage and in an old box buried in the back i found some old old pics of her taken just before we got together as a couple. They were black and white pics of her on the beach, appeared naked but not showing anything. She tried telling me they were pics taken by her best friend and was def never naked just looked that way, always had clothes on. But then i saw when they were taken it was a time when her best friend was over seas. then she admitted it was taken by her ex BF like 2 years after they had broken up, and she was nearly naked for the pics - left her clothes in his car just a g string. She said nothing else happened she just wanted some nice sexy pics, there was definitely no sex that happened, not even kissing.I have looked at the pics and cannot see any hint of a g string.She says its no big deal and she is sorry and i should just get over it. But i feel like its a big deal she has been lying to me for all this time. Its not so much that she had sex, its that she lied about it so much and took it so far.Also i am not sure i buy the explanation she took those pics and nothing else happened with her EX like a few weeks before we got together.What do you guys think?Is she she right its no big deal?Do you believe her nothing happened with her EX taking those pics?
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best friend, drunk, her ex, her past, kissing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, RickRud2019 +, writes (15 September 2019):
RickRud2019 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your comments i do appreciate it.
We are starting to open a dialogue about things, and she has said to me she will try to be more open and honest.
I must admit some things she has told me are very eye opening......
Still hasn't admitted anything about the beach pics though.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 September 2019):
 A g-string isnt the definition of having clothes on, is my thought. Sounds like this insistance is more for her own sake than yours. Maybe she twisted her own memory of things because she hated herself for doing it. Like a tiny g-string would somehow save her dignity. Sounds like she is lying to herself too, if she really thinks a g-string makes a difference. It reminds me of those «virgins» who still claim they are virgins because «only the tip went in». Like that somehow means they are innocent and excuses the fact that they were naked in bed with a penis between their legs. Sorry, but «just the tip» is also sex. And «there is a g-string» is still very much naked.
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male
reader, RickRud2019 +, writes (8 September 2019):
RickRud2019 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers.....
For the readers when I say she has always insisted that is her proactively saying it. I initially assumed she had had sex with her BF and we never really talked about it. It was her that was insistent nothing happened, and when she was telling stories etc things then weren't adding up.
I also have a major problem with her still telling me she wasn't naked in the pics with him, even though we have the pics and she clearly is naked - she keeps telling me you can see a g string, when you really can't.
That's what makes me concerned that she is still lying.
You thoughts and comments are appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): How can you live with lies throughout your life?
I would want her to come clean in the first place. Its nothing wrong with a virgin or not. Just that I can't live with lies. I believe if I am lied to I will give it 100 times worse than what I receive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): You've been together ten years. Who cares what she did before she met you. Obviously she has some reason for not wanting to talk about it and frankly, she has every right to just say, mind your own business. You don't own her history so just let it go and enjoy *your* relationship with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2019): For me it would not be about the sex or the pictures or virginity, but it would be a big deal about the lies. I am very forgiving regarding most things in life but lying and deceit come into another category for me and I would just loose all my trust for that person, so would find maintaining it difficult, because they have proved that they are capable of deceit. I hope you can work things out though and find your way through it because she has made some attempt at an apology, but you may have to accept that you married a liar. One pause for thought, could your own 'ideals' about her virginity have influenced her fear of loosing you should she have said that she was not a virgin? as I notice reading between the lines that you say 'she INSISTED she was a virgin' that tells me that maybe she could have been pestered into defending herself regarding her virginity because you perceived her in a conservative way and this made her ashamed.You even describe her to us as a 'very conservative virgin girl' You either have a woman who has a double life and can lie her butt off. Or your own ideals have created this woman who could not live up to your expectations and visions.Who has been the one lying?
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male
reader, RickRud2019 +, writes (1 September 2019):
RickRud2019 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi EveryoneThanks so much for your answers I really appreciate it. I feel like i haven't been clear enough and some have maybe taken things a little differently than intended.I will try to clarify; - I was a virgin yes - I knew she had a BF and have always made it clear that i do not judge anything she may have done - I actually in the beginning thought she wasn't a virgin and had no problem with that. It was my wife who proactively corrected my assumption and made it very clear she was a virgin - She knows i have no problems with pictures, she has turned my requests down a couple times early in our marriage for pics because she would "never allow something like that" - Even now with the pics she says she was NOT naked and it just looks like she was, she would never be naked on a beach - Honestly there is no sign of a g string or anything, so i don't understand why she is still lying to my face - i wish there was a sign of a g string so she wouldn't be lying to me againDoes that help clarify? Does it change any of your thoughts?Do you think she is lying more about what happened with the photos?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2019): I think she lied because she thought she would lose you.The thing is this is 2019.Most people have sex by their twenties but most have it much sooner.Were you a virgin?A lot of times men expect women to be pure but the men get to sow their wild oats as much as they want.I get that the lies have destroyed your trust...that you two can work on but only if you do not judge her for her past.Her past should not matter to you at all.All that should matter is the present and the future.I actually can understand why she lied about the pictures...because you judge her on her past.I kinda feel sorry for her.She must walk on egg shells all the time because it seems like you judge her for every little thing.Can you imagine having a boyfriend when you were like thirteen and doing all kinds of stuff just because you are a kid and stupid and then getting judged for what you did as a kid twenty years later? I really can see why she lied about this because your expectations are not realistic in today's world.Forgive her and ask her to forgive you and live only in the present and future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2019): Hang on , you found pictures . I didn’t see anywhere that she said that she had sex with him . Only that he took nude pics of her . So what Are you completely honest with her ?have you told your wife ever single women yoh have looked at naked . Heck, if your like most men your probably STILL looking at thousands of naked women behind your wife’s back and not telling her , and assuming she should have no problem with it AND THATS AFTER you made a vow to forsake all others for her
I’m sorry but I fail to see why it’s any of your business who photographed your wife naked before you met or even who she had sexual with
Why is women’s sexuality under such scrutiny whilst men seemingly get free passes to do as they please and society seems to say oh ‘boys will be boys ‘ . Leave the poor woman alone or risk losing her to a man who realises this . She obviously knew you had double standards about men and women’s sexuality and was too scared to tell you and your question. Is proving it
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 August 2019):
Do I believe nothing happened when she was taking the nude shots? Yes but I believe the earth is flat so I may not be a good judge. But seriously, It was before you got together so it had nothing to do with you.
The constant lying is a different matter. She’s been lying to you every day for ten years and continues to lie. The individual lies are pretty insignificant in my mind but taken together they add up and it makes one wonder why she lied and why she keeps lying. Is she hiding something else?
The question for you is, is it worth damaging what is otherwise a good marriage, I assume it’s good over her lies and can you trust her again.
I might personally have a hard time with it but you may be different,
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male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (30 August 2019):
I mean, judging by the evidence she probably did get together with him for one last roll in the hay before meeting you.
That being said, at least it's only one guy. That's extremely rare nowadays.
Her lying to you for that long is not right, but she did tell the truth and apologize.
If you really want to get everything out of her, just sit her down and ask her to tell you about the relationship she had with this guy. But I do think that'll be just as painful for you as it is for her.
She didn't cheat on you. That's the biggest takeaway out of this ordeal. She just felt ashamed/embarrassed to admit that she had already slept with someone before meeting you.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 August 2019):
 Have you considered she may have regretted losing her virginity to this guy and, for that reason, decided to become a "born-again virgin"? Maybe she hated the experience and decided she was not ready to repeat it, hence pretending she was still a virgin and wanted to remain so for a while. Maybe it was such a traumatic experience that she wanted to block it out of her memory and pretend it never happened. Perhaps she was scared of how YOU would react if you knew the truth? Perhaps she lied about the photographs for the same reason?
A 10 year relationship should not be wiped out because one party decided not to share something which happened before the relationship started. I would suggest you ask her WHY she lied and LISTEN to her.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 August 2019):
 I do think it's a big deal. I think she and her ex had sex at the time he took the photos. She lied and made up lies that she's a virgin to cover up the lie that she's still involved with her ex when she met you. Or they had an on and off thing, and at the end she felt played and betrayed. You do not mention how or whether virginity is important to you, but I feel that the lie is more for her self and her conscience. She regretted ever meeting her ex and invented a new self, a new persona, thinking that she would forget the past. Yet she didn't want to forget that much that she kept the photos.
If you are asking if she could lie like this, what else could she lie about? Did she meet the ex more after you got married? If your marriage is still good, then why fret about it? The important thing is that while she's drunk, she talked about her ex. If the ex really belongs to the past, then why talk about him? Why regret the lying now?
It is important that the arguments you have could make or break the relationship. If either of you feel defensive that you have to protect your ego, then the relationship can't move forward. I do feel she has to empathize how you feel, that you feel like a fool. She has to swallow her pride and admit this is a big deal to you. The goal of these arguments should be about connecting at the end. They are about shedding the old layers and the façade.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 August 2019):
Well, she lied before. Im thinking how can you trust anything she says? Wether shes lying again about the pics or not doesnt matter. She already lied about who took them. She already lied for years about being a virgin. So, it would not surprise me if she is lying about many other things. Clearly she is a good liar. I would not trust her any more.
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female
reader, KeW +, writes (30 August 2019):
 Hello,
I completely understand your concern about the lying. You do focus a lot on the past - even the possibility of her ex and her was still before you got together. She perhaps lied because she felt you were "too" focused on her "virtue" and virginity. That doesn't make it right, but it does mean there's probably more to it than lying for the sake of it.
I believe that marriage counselling is the way forward to help you come to terms with her lies and what you want to do about your marriage, as well as giving her a chance to truly face and admit why she lied for so long.
Best wishes.
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