A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I got dumped by a guy I was seeing for three months a few days ago, and I’m struggling to cope with the heartbreak. This is as much a rant as a plea for advice.I know three months isn’t that long, but it was intense relationship and we had a great time and connection together (or so I thought). This has happened to me before and I know with time it will get easier, but the difficulty i’m having this time is that not only do I have strong feelings for him but we also work together. Not in the same department (so we wouldn’t work on projects together) but on the same floor. I have to walk the same route as him to get to my office as they are right next to each other. We didn’t actually meet at work - we met on a dating app after he’d moved back from Australia and just before I started my role at the company. Coincidently he had just got a contract with them too at the same time. Its very hard to go about my day knowing that our lunch dates have now stopped and that he’s working around the corner from me every day but I can’t speak to him/message like we used to. I was nervous coming back to work after the split (as I’d booked annual leave when it happened) because I knew I’d bump into him at some point. I hoped that this would happen at least a week or so after the breakup, to give myself a bit of time to grieve, but Sod’s law he was the very first person I saw on my first day back. We ended up arriving at work at the same time. He held a door open for me, I was pleasant and exchanged very few words with him, and then quickly upped my pace to walk ahead of him while he fell back. It hurt so much not to be able to have a proper conversation with him like we used to.He’s only on a temporary contract with our employer and that will (as far as I can remember him telling me) close at the end of September. But there’s always the possibility he will be kept on longer (even though I know he doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t have other jobs lined up after so he might have to stay to get the money). The breakup was rough. Previously I thought he was the most amazing guy - thoughtful and kind, he made me laugh, he was attractive and I thought everything was hunkydory because he made an effort to see me and we did lots of things together. Everyone thought we were a couple. At one point we were seeing each other about 3-4 times a week. He set the pace and was always keen to spend time with me. He never rushed me for sex either. As a lovesick fool, I obviously got swept up in the romance, especially because I do want a boyfriend. Then 3 months in, out of nowhere, he starts becoming distant, being vague about his whereabouts when I asked him to make plans and not messaging me as much. Worst thing is that we had a date night just a few days before we split. He was friendly and chatty then but I could tell something was off, he wasn’t touchy feely like he used to be. But he was happy to stay over mine, sleep with me and kiss me goodbye in the morning. Then it all changed. He ignored my messages for a huge amount of time and he left me on read. I knew that wasn’t a good sign and it was completely out of character, so I was shocked. He was pulling away, probably hoping I’d get the hint and make me end it rather than him have to do it. But I just wanted him to be honest with me rather than cruelly ignoring me. I knew we needed to talk, so when he ignored my messages, I tried calling him, but he blatantly continued ignoring me (he would go online on WhatsApp as soon as I put the call down and never ring back). When I eventually got him on the phone after three days of trying, he was cold and unresponsive and not the person I knew. When we spoke he said he can’t see us going further and that there was no excitement. He’d also recently decided he was going to start studying to get another work qualification which could be done at whatever pace he wanted to do it and he also started playing rugby again after moving home, so he was back with ‘the lads’. I feel stupid because I encouraged him to do both, I wanted him to make more friends through rugby and help improve his future job prospects... I cared about him. But then he said he didn’t think he’d have time for me with rugby happening and him getting his qualification. It hurt so much to hear it. I didn’t understand what he meant by “no excitement”. We had sex every time we saw each other, we went out on dates, for drinks, for food, to the cinema, to the beach and funfair and I even introduced him to my friends. I was ready to have “the talk” with him to see if we were official. I thought he was happy because of the fact he wanted to see me all the time but then this 180 flip came out of nowhere. When he lived abroad he had a longterm girlfriend there, but he broke up with her a few months ago before he returned to the UK in March. Perhaps he was comparing our time together with how his last relationship was when he lived abroad - he didn’t have a career then, just an average job, and he spent his time going out drinking, going to gigs and pool parties - which was a completely different lifestyle to what it’s like when you return home. Saying there was no excitement was a massive kick in the teeth - I don’t know what he was expecting because we did so much together and He didn’t exactly suggest us doing anything that he deemed exciting either. He made me feel like the blame was all on me. Another red flag I saw a few days before this happened was that he started following another girl on Instagram and became friends with her on Facebook. It definitely wasn’t a colleague or a friend, so I thought he might have met someone else, but now I just think he went back on the dating app before we even ended things because since then, he’s had more girls start following him etc. .It kills me that he’s back on them so soon. It makes me feel like I’m not enough for him, even though I’m successful, a good person and i’d consider myself attractive. I feel like I should be getting back on dating apps too, but I also don’t think it would do me any good either as it’s still raw. It so scary having to keep putting yourself out there and go on those types of blind dates... and on the other side of things it’s hard to meet people naturally these days. I want to find someone and have a family eventually, and with me getting closer to 30, I feel like I should be on that path by now. But I never get anywhere.He never apologised to me on the phone, but later that evening he messaged me apologising for how he’d handled things and said it was because he was bad at communicating how he feels and what’s going on in his head. I acknowledged his apology and took the opportunity to civilly get things off my chest that I didn’t have the chance to do on the phone as I was in such shock. He read it and didn’t reply - other than my run in with him that’s my last conversation with him. I’m just confused with how to deal with this going forward. My friends say I’m an 11/10 and I have so much going for me, but still feel like I’m the one who has lost something, not him. I was his first dating app date and it was by far my best one - we were out until 4am partying which is unusual... I think he might be disappointed when he realises that now all dating app dates are that good. I hope he realises what he has given up. I never have luck with love. And every time it goes wrong it’s just another blow to my self esteem. I don’t know what to do or how to fix myself going forward. I just want to be happy, but this is too painful. I have had counselling previously but it doesn’t seem to help in the long run and it’s expensive. Doesn’t help that lots of my friends are settling down with their partners, yet I can never seem to keep any relationship going.
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at work, broke up, facebook, money, self esteem, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): When you have some time, read these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-does-the-dumper-feel-after-dumping-you.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
I've been there and done that! Sweetheart, you'll be fine.
It takes time. It's a gradual process. It goes from bad to worse; then you stabilize, and you heal. I wrote the above as I went through it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2019): “It really hurts when you dress for them, stay in shape for them, cook for them, and give anything and everything in bed, for them, no matter how kinky or twisted it is, as often as they can get it up.”
This is the behaviour of a weak person. Most men worth being with expect a woman to know herself and not pander to what she thinks he wants. You’ll only attract people who enjoy power and dominance with this attitude. Grow up, get some hobbies, read some books. You’ll be more than just a sex doll then.
To the OP, honestly it sounds like this guy doesn’t want anything serious with anyone. Get back on the dating app and find a man with common interests. Even better, join clubs or online message boards that related to your favourite hobbies/pastimes and meet like minded people. Don’t give up! Confidence is the most attractive thing about a person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2019): Its difficult for you to move forward because he gave every sign that this was going to be a serious relationship and then he got cold feet and backed away.
There are many coincidental factors that would lead you to believe that this was going to be a serious or lasting relationship.
It springs to mind that he may be a narcissist.
Mainly because you ended up on 'the down side!'
E.g. youre the one who feels uncomfortable at work, wheras he feels fine.
And youre the one who is grieving his change of heart.
Narcisists tend to want to leave their 'victim' mentally paralysed while they move on.
I would try to imagine you have been dating a robot who has had his 'happy' character deleted.
He wants you to think well of him but considering he has misled you into a fast sex relationship and dropped you therby messing up your work day then I think you need to mentally readjust.
He has not been good to you.
He is draining you of your confidence and power.
He is not someone you need in your life.
Your ancestors on the other side of life are probably trying to divert him away from you because he is not worth it.
So have confidence that you have just got out of a potential disaster scene and tell yourself that this guy is not going to steal your power or squander your sex, no matter which words he uses.
He is clearly not the man you need to settle with.
It doesnt matter why.
He has changed the game play before the 3month stage.
Someone else will have the correct mindset for you.
He is open to using people and you sound too decent to allow someone to do this, so consider yourself a bit protected because the roadcrash happened only verbally and you are alive and well and here to tell the tale.
To distract from this person putting his rewiring into your mind I suggest you find out as much as you can about your ancestors, maybe back two or three generations and when you walk past this guy at work you can imagine one of your ancestors safely steering you away from him.
Be warned.
He may resent your 'free mind' and try to woo you back but hopeful you will have walked mentally away from him to the point where you can politely smile and politely reject any further effort on his part to manipulate you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2019): I do understand what you feel because I have been dumped by a string of guys who I believed truly loved me, who understood me, and who lied about wanting me in their future and wanting to father kids with me! It seems like after the newness of my pussy wears off, they gradually drift away. Either another girl is suddenly in the picture or I just get ghosted by the guy completely. It really hurts when you dress for them, stay in shape for them, cook for them, and give anything and everything in bed, for them, no matter how kinky or twisted it is, as often as they can get it up. Not to hurt you feelings but he did not truly love you if he can suddenly be too busy for you! Just go about your regular business at work. His contract is nearly up and he wants to move on! Take care of yourself Sister! There must be, a good man for us, out there!
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex  +, writes (30 August 2019):
I really empathize with you. I'm literally going through the same situation. I recently went out with a girl I had gone out with for a few months about a year ago, and back then we had connected in an intense level, just like you did with your guy. And just like your guy, she too has now started to leave my messages on read and ignore my calls. It's extremely painful. How can someone go from caring so much about you to not caring at all? But it happens.
Continue to avoid him at work, just like you have been. And the best piece of advice I can offer is that you need to cut contact with him and try your best to move on.
You will find someone else. I know it feels like that's impossible right now, and that there is too much pain involved, but trust me, it will happen. But it can't if you're still pining for him. You will close yourself off subconsciously.
And if he contacts you, remain civil, but don't acquiesce, don't be needlessly nice to him. Don't beg to go out with him.
You sound like an 11/10, so just keep that in your head. He lost you, not the other way around.
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