A
male
age
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*arabacoa
writes:My wife was abusive to me and our kids for over 10 years. She did many horrendous things, including verbal abuse, lying, manipulation, and, in general, not expressing any love to me and our kids. We talked about these things over time, but she was not able to change. Our kids moved out as soon as they could, even when they were not financially ready. Some of them moved back 2 or 3 times because they needed help financially, only to move again as things went back to being abusive. I listened to their complaints and tried to solve them with my wife, but I got nowhere. This is second marriages for both of us and we had no kids together. I always believed that the problems began over 10 years ago because my wife had entered a new more demanding job, we moved into our own home, and because she had not raised her kids and they came to live with us for the first time when they were already teenagers. I finally woke up to all the crazy behavior and my enabling behavior 2 years ago. It came about because of another very manipulative actions by my wife that harmed our daughters (hers and mine). All of a sudden I realized that I had been in denial for many years. I managed to remain sane and in the marriage by resorting to escapes. Early on, it was my youngest child and a few kids that became pseudo-adopted cuz they had no father. I would take them to do charity work, to toy stores, and to playgrounds to have fun. They kept my heart singing. When they got older and wanted to do their own things, I became more involved in my sports teams, and then later in my work. I realized all of these were substitutes for what had become a very damaging home life. So, when I woke up to all this 2 years ago, I began to reexamine everything and realized that though I showed love to my wife, I really did not like or respect her... for a long time. About a year ago, we separated, though I remained in the house and lived apart from her.Well, she began therapy after blowing up and acting very aggressively. Today, I opened up a conversation with her and she appears to have gained a lot from therapy. She owns up to all the pain she delivered to all of us all those years and is trying to make herself a better person. I can see it too. The problem is that she wants for us to reconcile. We have gone out to dinner and walks a few times. I do find her much improved. But I find that I cannot imagine loving her again, or even liking her much. I feel bad about this. I had never wanted our marriage to end and she is now a better person. So, why can't I love her or even want to be with her? Why is my love for her now, apparently, lost forever? Is it that sometimes things break and can't be put back together again? Help
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male
reader, Jarabacoa +, writes (26 September 2013):
Jarabacoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Fatherly Advice and Anonymous. I am listening to my body much more now and do recognize that I have to leave entirely. I felt bad not giving her a chance to show me that she has changed. But I guess, even if she has changed, it will take a lot longer for me to get over this, if ever. Now, I have to give myself a chance to live again. All of you have been so helpful. I am very indebted to your kind voices of reason. Thank you so much... peace.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 September 2013):
 As this thread has evolved I see that my advice was wrong. I didn't realize the extent to which you were still suffering from the abuse. I'll retract my advice to move towards reconciliation and reinforce my warning about the dangers of staying in an abusive situation. Your description of your physical symptoms of stress and anxiety are the key factor.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): It sounds like you've got PTSD as is common for people who have been abused. It is critical for your own healing that you not be around the person who caused your PTSD.What concerns me is that it seems you're still living with her even though you separated a year ago? You really need to move out and make a clean break. If her presence triggers anxiety and high blood pressure then why are you having dinners and going on walks with her? its like having one foot in and one foot out and you can easily get sucked back in. She's taking advantage of this to guilt and pressure you into reconciling and to some degree it is working as you didn't feel comfortable saying no and you even feel guilty for not liking her much. So while you've done a great job ending the relationship, you are not in the clear yet because you are still very much still within her sphere of influence. From where I am sittting it appears likely you'll get sucked back in unless you move out and complete the separation. Physical distance is the most effective way to create emotional distance and safety. Don't continue a relationship that makes you physically ill.
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male
reader, Jarabacoa +, writes (24 September 2013):
Jarabacoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie and the other anonymous responders from today. You have helped me to clarify what I have been feeling. A lot of my confusion has been cleared by your very kind advice and support. The fact of the matter is that I feel a lot better away from her. It is not anything she does now, in particular, that gives me anxiety. Just being around her elevates my blood pressure and makes my heart pound. So, my body and your wise comments are telling me what I need to do. Thank you... so much!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2013):
 If it was me, I think I would move out and take some time without being around her to figure out what you need to do for YOU.
You don't owe her anything. You do OWE yourself to figure out what YOU need.
Therapy might have helped her, but backsliding is common for abusers specially if they are in the same environment - same with drug addicts who stop using.
This is a major decision and it should be yours alone. She has said she wants to work it out, so you know what she wants, all that is left is what you want.
I think, for me at least, I would be impossible to resume the relationship, no matter how much therapy she has gotten and how much better she is. I would wish her well, I believe in forgiveness but I don't forget. And those 10 years would constantly be looming over the relationship.
I would break free (so to speak) not try it again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Big red flag. Many abusers, once their victims develop the strength to leave, will pretend to change for the better. They can be very good at acting remorseful. They may even feel remorse but it is remorse that they are now suffering, NOT remorse for having hurt you. The fact that she is pressuring you to reconcile shows that she has not in fact owned up to what she did to you. I seriously doubt she really has changed. Or not yet at least. The true test is to see how she does in her next relationship. You do not need to be part of the experiment. Stay away from her. Its a big red flag when your abuser tells you "see I have been good for a year, therefore you should come back and resume our relationship, you know, the same relationship that destroyed you. Why wouldnt you want to restart it? It will be different this time. I promise. What, you don't trust me? How could you not? What have I ever done to break your trust?"(Other than 10 years of abuse that is)You need to stay strong and not slip back into the person who allowed himself and his kids to be abused for 10 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): First I applaud you for waking up finally and realizing that you had been enabling her and stopped doing it. I applaud you for holding her accountable and for doing what it took to save your life from further damage.I also would go so far as to say it was your actions that helped your wife to finally own up to her abusive behavior and seek professional helpmate she probably wouldn't have done that if you had stayed married to her.That said. You do NOT owe her a marriage just because she has made positive changes. That undoes the "accountability" part that she had just begun to own up to. Actions have consequences, some of which cant be undone. Feelings and emotions especially, are born from years of experiences and associations. It is asking too much for an abuse victim to feel "love " for their abused just because the abusers has made some positive change. Expecting the victim "should" want to reconcile is abuse all over again because it returns to the place of complete lack of empathy for the victim and the effects on them. Because of this I would seriously be less quick to declare she has indeed changed for the better.You can forgive her but you don't owe it to her to forgive her. Forgiveness has to happen on your own time frame not the abuser's. It can take years to forgive. That is fine. It is entirely up to you and don't let her or anyone rush you into forgiving.And even if you forgive, realize that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation and getting married again!!! Forgiveness can and is most safely done from behind a protective barrier. You cant forgive if you still feel unsafe. Again, I need to stress that asking or pressuring an abuse victim to forgive the abuser and to make themselves vulnerable to that person again, is abuse all over again. If the former abuser wants you to do this then they haven't really changed or at least not as much as you think because this shows that they still have not got any empathy for you or the damage they've done to you if they have the gall to ask or pressure you to make yourself vulnerable to them just because they've been good for a year while abusive for decades. You would be nuts to give in and reconcile. You will also find you don't have feelings towards her because it is the NORMAL and HEALTHY response to not have lovey dovetail feelings for someone who abused you. Do not let her cause you to slide back and undo all the positive work you did to finally extricate yourself from an abusive marriage. Many abusers will become abusive again after "changing " once the victim returns. She apparently still has no regard for your feelings, if she has the gall to want you to return to her after all she did. She is still unsympathetic to your feelings and focused only on hers. She is not entitled to a relationship with you. if she has truly changed she will feel ashamed to even ask you to consider reconciling. if she has truly changed that's great and you should wish her the best, but she would do best to move on and look for a relationship with a new man in her new changed self.
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reader, Jarabacoa +, writes (24 September 2013):
Jarabacoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are terrific responses and I am honored to get the attention and wisdom of so many thoughtful and kind people. We both went into therapy a few years ago because I insisted. She cut it off when the therapist, in her individual sessions, started to enter into areas she wanted to remain closed. She says she is now able to discuss these things with her new therapist. But she told me this week about a traumatic event in her teenage years that she had withheld from her therapist. I guess what it all boils down to is that my mind is now prepared to see her as changing and evolving. But my heart and intuition is very fearful and cautious. I actually developed high blood pressure and other health issues during my time with her. I was able to reduce it with plenty of meditation, yoga, better eating, and exercise... and during this year of separation from her. She still gives me some anxiety. And I am more in tune with my intuition now than before. Thank you Tisha-1. I do have work to do on myself. I have been doing that kind of work with trusted professionals and by being more introspective. I remember my son telling me that I was partly responsible for "spoiling her" he said when he was about to move out of the house. I just did not understand what he meant... I do now.And Anonymous, your story of your parents experience does sound very familiar to mine. Your metaphor of the mirror was also very insightful. I guess I still don't know if the mirror is broken beyond repair or even if it is worth keeping even though very damaged. Thank you AuntyEm. I will give it a little more time and make it my choice. One thing I have learned about this is that by being more assertive, I have given her and me a chance to be happier. She told me that it was only because of our separation that she was able and forced to do all the work she has done to find out her problems and begin working on them. Now, I have to trust my instinct again and make sure I no longer make the same mistake as in the past.. whether it means staying or leaving.Thank you all so much. I have learned a lot here and owe you all a tremendous amount of gratitude. Peace and love.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Did you ever have therapy? You chose her and lived with her for many years before becoming aware of the toxic relationship. That might suggest you have something to work on. At the very least, guilt for allowing the abuse of your children.
I think it's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want to reconcile with her, based on her toxic actions of the past. Just telling you she's better wouldn't be enough change that.
What strikes me is that she hasn't suggested you go into therapy together. It would seem to be an obvious next step, before considering reconciliation.
You write "The problem is that she wants for us to reconcile." Is that really the problem? You can simply tell her that the time has past for the reconciliation to be an option. So why is her wish for a reconciliation a problem?
I think you have some work of your own to do. I know she was a toxic person. However, you were the person who allowed her to be toxic in the family and you were the one who chose her originally…. so maybe that's the place to start.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 September 2013):
Jarabacoa,
You are not happy with the way you feel now. You are looking for help. This indicates a desire on your part to make it workout. This is the first step towards reconciliation.
Many have posted here that the relationship is so broken that it may not be fixable. I'm cautious in being optimistic. Abusive relationships are very hard to heal. Abuse can return. It's dangerous to encourage you to stay in an abusive situation. But, if that is what you want most then you should have the best advice I can give you. You can't do this yourself. It is time for you to have therapy as well. Be safe.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): This sounds so familiar. Because my parents were going through the exact same thing. My mother and father had separated for a while because of the abuse and she finally realized that she needed to change or she was going to lose everything, and she worked on it. But my father had so much anger towards her and he didn't like her after that for a long time. He waited a few months to see if her changes were honest although she assured him they were, and when he finally saw it, it took a while, it took a lot but he had to fully forgive her. After that happened they tried to work things out but it required a lot of effort and they did work it out. Every now and then my mom slips back into her old habits but my dad handles the situation different, instead of taking the abuse he tells her to straighten up or get out. But when she changed and they were trying to work it out, he said he remembered why he fell in love with her. If you get a brand new mirror, and its perfect, your favorite. and over the years you've dropped it a few times, you dented it up, and its shattered a few times so you had to glue it back together. You still see the cracks and dents but are you just going to throw your favorite mirror away ? No, that just makes it so much more special. But if its shattered to the point of no return then its possible you may have to leave it.Is your mirror shattered to the point of no returnor do you think you can glue it back together and try again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Unfortunately, you are correct that things can be so damaged that they are irreparable. I hope a lot of readers notice your post. People have a lot to learn about being abusive and manipulative within their relationships and how they treat their families.
It is a sorrowful consequence. She sought help long after doing her damage. Now comes her karma.
I do hope at least you find it in your generous soul to forgive her all the same. Staying married to her without love will not make any sense. You gave it all you had.
She has prepared herself for her next relationship. She is a reformed woman, and now has the motivation to stay on the right path. Sometimes it takes losing all for some people to learn.
Although she cannot safe her marriage, please encourage her to try to restart a new relationship with her children. It may be too late there as well; but it's worth the effort.
They are her children for life. I hope you will offer some help in bringing them together. Leave the heavy work for her.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Yes, that's exactly it. once it's lost, it's often lost for good. In your case, she had ten years to change her behavior. she took away ten whole, happy years from your life. And at that point, it's just too late to start over like nothing happened. the damage was done a long time ago. Now, you just can't go back. I understand why you feel bad, however, you need not. you need to make yourself happy and do what's best for you. Now that she has these new healthier relationship skills, she can ideally find a new partner and start over.
It's unfortunate you and your kids had to spend ten years dealing with all of that.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Yes I think it is as simple as something being broken beyond repair. Even now she has gotten therapy, it isn't a reason to assume things should go back together. You have been hurt by her and your trust in her destroyed, that is something your inner self will not allow you to forget so easy.
I say give it more time. It is NOT for her to have the privilege of saying if the relationship can start again...it's yours, so do not let her pressure you. Only you can say if things can be fixed and you need your own time and space to decide that.
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