A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i've been married for 6 years now, and it's been pretty happy up until recently.a couple of days ago, i accidentally overheard a conversation between two of my wife's friends and it was revealed that my wife had an affair with one of her coworkers.i confronted her about it and she admitted it. she says it was a one time occurrence that she did not plan on happening. the encounter happened on the job, and afterward she quit that job and has never seen the man since. she genuinely regrets the affair and wished it would have never happened. she never told me because she didn't want to hurt me.i believe she is telling the truth but that does not change the fact that she betrayed our vows. Betrayed me. i don't know what to do. i want to forgive her, but don't know if i should. i know she made a mistake, i know he regrets it but it's hard to forgive her. should i forgive her and carry on, or end the marriage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnote to editor person: you may post this version now. Just leave out this part.
"maybe you don't know your wife so well after all, she lied to you about sleeping with someone else, didn't she. ommission of the truth = lies"
i do not believe that an omission is the same as a lie. dishonesty, sure. but not an out and out lie. not telling me about the affair is different than lying about it happening.
when i confronted her about the affair, immediately she fessed up. she did not attempt to pretend it didn't happen. she immediately owned up to what happened.
when i asked her, directly, if she had ever slept with this guy more than once, or if she had ever been with any other man since i married her, she did not show the signs of lying.
please understand. i am not the only one who knows her so well. i met my wife through a friend, who has known her since they were both young children. she knows my wife even better than i do (they were even intimately involved for a brief period when they were in college.) she believes my wife is being honest about the affair. i learned long ago to trust my friend's judgment. she is the best judge of character and people i've ever met.
'your marriage counsellor advised you that your wife cheated beacuse she had a hard life. since you have decided to stay with your wife, i suggest you get rid of your counsellor. please seek another counsellors guidance. i know so many people who have had a difficult life eg. money issues, mother dying when the child was 2 years, father dying before a child birth, utter utter poverty. the list goes on. blaming your wifes hard life on her cheating on you just does not cut it. sometimes counsellors mess up situations even more with their misguided and unrealistic prognosis)'
my wife has had a far more difficult life than most people. her early life, at times, sounds like a soap opera.
at her request, i'll let my wife explain:
(This is the wife again. I'll elaborate. I need to share these things. It helps me to cope... When I was 11, I lost my mom and dad in a car accident, and wound up in the foster system, where I bounced through several homes. One of which was physically and emotionally abusive, where I got beaten just for looking at my foster-father wrong. Shortly after my parent's death, my older brother, who I idolized, od'ed on heroin and died. I was raped at knife point when I was 13. The attack left me bloody and beaten. And pregnant. I had an abortion. I couldn't deal with carrying around my rapist's child inside me. Teh thought made me want to kill myself. I was raped AGAIN at 15, under different circumstances. That attack was not quite as brutal as the first, but it was still horrible, as rape always is. I still deal with flashbacks often. I tried, and failed, to kill myself after that one, saved only by a dear and wonderful friend. I didn't find a decent, stable home until I was 15. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but it happened. And it left with me with a lot of trust, confidence and abandonment issues to this day.)
my life has been pretty shitty too, but nowhere near as bad as what she's gone through.
she's dealt with it all remarkably well, and has recovered as much as she could hope to, but she still has problems from them. the fact that she is so together and stable after all that is a testament to her strength, but it has still left her with a lot issues.
a part of her is afraid of being happy, feeling that she doesn't DESERVE happiness, and that part of her attempted to sabotage that happiness. i won't let it. WE refuse to let it.
"i said this before, you seem like a nice guy. i do not want you to be hoodwinked into falseness. don't place too much of emphasis on this counsellors explanation."
i understand your skepticism. i do. however, i personally have experience working with people who have been through similar to what my wife went through(and in some cases, even worse), and i have seen the same behavior in those cases. i started doing that after i met her, to try to understand her experiences.
in fact, when i first met my wife, i was reluctant to get involved with her because of how damaged she was. i resisted for years afterward. you just can't help who you fall in love with, though.
'sorry if i am sounding negative. perhaps blame my legal background. your wifes words sound very sincere. i think she realises that she has a good man in her life. you deserve happiness. just do not be anyones fool. good luck and take care.'
thank you. i appreciate your concern. please do try to understand, though, that i know my wife well. i know when she is lying, and i have no reason to doubt that she is being completely truthful about this.
I wish you well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): dear male anon poster: i am glad you are making progress but am confused by this:
"it's very obvious when she tries to lie ....and when i ask her if the affair happened more than once none of the tells are there."
(maybe you don't know your wife so well after all, she lied to you about sleeping with someone else, didn't she. ommission of the truth = lies)
"the marriage counselor believes this happened because of my wife's personal issues. she's had a harder life than most people, and she (the counselor) thinks that those issues that my wife is still dealing with are the reason for her behavior."
(your marriage counsellor advised you that your wife cheated beacuse she had a hard life. since you have decided to stay with your wife, i suggest you get rid of your counsellor. please seek another counsellors guidance. i know so many people who have had a difficult life eg. money issues, mother dying when the child was 2 years, father dying before a child birth, utter utter poverty. the list goes on. blaming your wifes hard life on her cheating on you just does not cut it. sometimes counsellors mess up situations even more with their misguided and unrealistic prognosis).
i said this before, you seem like a nice guy. i do not want you to be hoodwinked into falseness. don't place too much of emphasis on this counsellors explanation.
sorry if i am sounding negative. perhaps blame my legal background. your wifes words sound very sincere. i think she realises that she has a good man in her life. you deserve happiness. just do not be anyones fool. good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the wife. My husband asked me to say my peace. Tell my story.
I love my husband greatly. I've never had feelings for anyone else. It would not be an exaggeration to say that he saved me. I realize that I am a lucky woman, to have a kind, loving, wonderful man in my life. Which just makes me feel horrible about what I did.
The affair happened. I had sex with another man. I broke the vows we had to be faithful to each other. I realize that. And I hate myself for it. if I could take it back, i would. In a heartbeat. But, I cannot, and that is something I have to live with.
I was not thinking when it happened. The man I had the affair with, he was very much like my husband. Smart and sweet and funny. And for that one moment, I lost my head. I'd never looked at another man, even thought about, another man until that moment. The sex was great, but it lacked the passion, the fire, that I had with my husband. I allowed myself to get caught up, to momentarily forget, my promise. And it is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. It WAS a one-time thing, and it makes my stomach turn just to think about. What really bothers me is not the broken vow to be faithful, but another vow I broke. I stood before him, and promised him, vowed to him, that I would never hurt him. I did hurt him. I broke that vow, and it is that which makes me sick.
I am human. We make mistakes. I've made mine, and it was a big one. I had no right to ask my husband to forgive me, and I did not expect him to. He would have been well within his rigths to leave me. I would have understood if he did. But, he did not. I am lucky
To the anonymous female who wondered about my marriage to my husband. it IS an equal partnership. The decision to have kids was left up to me. My husband told me, before we even married, that having children did not matter to him. I made the choice not to, because I would not be a good mother. I am a damaged person, who is afraid of passing that damage on to a child, and he knows that.
I AM lucky to have him. I've known that since I first met him. Please do not judge me by one single mistake. I am trying to make it up to him somehow.
Thank you everyone. I am going to be with my husband now. Goodbye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni wanted to update this for anyone who was interested. my wife and i are doing good. we are in relationship counseling. i have not fully forgiven her for the betrayal but hopefully will do in time.
i also wanted to clarify a few things. the reason i believe that my wife is telling the truth about the affair being a one time event is because i know her. she has confidence issues due to negative experiences growing up, and she cannot lie. it's very obvious when she tries to lie (stuttering, averting her eyes, etc) and when i ask her if the affair happened more than once none of the tells are there.
the marriage counselor believes this happened because of my wife's personal issues. she's had a harder life than most people, and she (the counselor) thinks that those issues that my wife is still dealing with are the reason for her behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): well you have made your decision to stay married even though she has slept with someone else. please,si though you trusted her through all this, just make sure she doesn't do it again. "she feels guilty about any amount of dishonesty", well she didn't feel guilty when she conducted this affair. please you seem like a good man, you have even accepted that she does not want kids, you have accpeted her affair. i am hoping that she can really see and acknowledge what a good hb you have been to her.
my main concern is : you do all the things that she wants. is this a one sided marriage where she gets what she wants and you just tag along, meekly. i truly hope not.
good luck with the counselling. your wife is really lucky.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): When they make a sword and they heat it and plunge it into water to temper it (forgive me if me memory is worng this, but you get the point) and they do this hundreds of times, they never know if it will hold or shatter. If it does hold, then it becomes stronger....
I sometimes think we nee these tests to make us stronger- of course if we shatter then, maybe we were't meant to be a sword. Maybe a plough instead.
I think that you have done all the right things and i think you (plural) will get through this and maybe one day look back and grimace? (i wanted to say laugh, but that sounded wrong)
Good luck.
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am the one who posted this question originally.
i've decided to stay with my wife. in spite of what happened, we've had a good relationship, and my wife is a loving, woman. i do believe that the affair was a one-time thing. she feels guilty about any amount of dishonesty, even little white lies. the guilt of carrying on a long term affair would be too much. we are both going to get marriage counseling to deal with any residual problems.
i wanted to answer some questions and clarify a few things.
the affair happened last year, and she told her friends to seek out their advice as to whether or not to tell me about the affair. i overheard one of her friends asking the other if my wife had ever told me about it.
my wife and I do not have kids. there are complex reasons why, but she does not want them, so there are no kids to worry about there.
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A
male
reader, gmoney +, writes (18 May 2009):
I dont know if you have children with her or not but if not I would say leave her because when a woman cheats it will never be the same.
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A
male
reader, Prophet7 +, writes (17 May 2009):
Follow your heart. Nobody is perfect and sometimes people make mistakes. She shouldn't have told more than one friend though. Honestly you don't know how many times she's done this to you because she was deceptive and hid the truth from you. You have a difficult decision to make and it can be pretty easy to make it. You can forgive her and try to rebuild the trust or you could move on past this alone. If you choose to stay I suggest you both see a councelor because it's going to be difficult to truely forgive her and move on together. Relationships are based on trust and respect, if those two things are present forgiveness can be added to that list. She violated your trust and disrespected your marriage by cheating. Think long and hard before making a decision. Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
Ps. She could be really sorry and is willing to be a better wife to you. This could have been a wake up call for her. You need to look for the signs that she is not being deceptive. Guard your heart until it's clear. P7
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): if you love your wife - you should forgive her anything - maybe you only think you do?
I think it was a mistake - it was a one off and you should forgive her. if you stay married for the next 50 years - what does 1 night matter?
Don't forget. Don't ever forget. it was a mistake and stupid. but a red card to her, remember it and how it challenged your love for her.
oh and you won.
star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): The lousy thing is that her friends knew about her affair, was discussing it, it was overheard by you. How many others know of this affair. You, the faithful spouse was none the wiser while she was indulging with this work colleague.
She needs to realise that she betrayed you and your family life. She broke her vows. And she hid the truth from you. Would she be as forgiving if it was you that had sex with someone else. Would she forgive you and then make your marriage work. Or would she throw this mess on your face each time.
The bottom line is she lied. Can you forgive her lies. She deliberately tried to cover up her affair. I find it strange that i only occurred one time. She will not admit to the number of times she had sex with this man. That much i can tell you. (let me add something else – it is like the number of sex partners a woman has, usually when she says just one, multiply this by 3. Learnt this from the movie American pie. So i don’t know whether it is correct).
She revealed her affair to her friends and her work colleagues. She did not tell you not because she did not want to hurt you. She was hoping to get away with the infidelity. And you not finding out . EVER. This shows that she deliberately deceived you. Her intentions may have been good but her actions speak volumes. She betrayed your trust.
Can you both get through this. Only if there is complete faithfulness and complete communication. How sure are you that she will not stray again. What did this other man give her that you did not/ what need did he fulfil that you were not? For some sex is so very intimate. So she knew she was getting intimate with someone else, in her mind she knew what was going on. At work, the flirting, the come on signs before the actual sex act. She invested time and effort with this man before she indulged in the sexual activities. These are the hard difficult questions/ things that need to be discussed with her. Are you sure this affair did not continue for a while but since he/she broke off the affair, she was then forced to seek alternative employment. Can you trust her word. Many many people that conduct affairs try to down play the importance of their affair when caught out by their partners/spouses.
I know you desperately want to forgive her and move on but you cannot, not until you have dissected her affair so that there is no other indiscretion in the future. You will be re investing in your marriage and her so be extra sure that this time there will be no unfaithfulness. I know you are trying but even if you have to take things one step at a time, do so. I am sure you have read other situations of infidelity on this website. Slowly the worms start to come out as the secrets are unravelled. Be certain that you uncover all her secrets before you commit again to her and your life together. You cannot be a doormat to her again and she cannot and should not humiliate you again. She abused you, her trusting faithful husband.
you need to do some straight talking and perhaps "rules" to abide by. a marriage counsellor may be the start too if you are going to give this marriage another shot. you also need to tell her what you expect from her, or ekse it will be over. your love for her should not overshadow her betrayal. she needs to relaise that her action (her having sex with this man) has consequences (what this would be i really do not know- only you (both) can decide this.
good luck and take care douing this painful, traumatic time . if you do have time then plse post us an update.
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A
female
reader, arie +, writes (17 May 2009):
 first of all the godly thing to do in this relationship is forgive her. but the thing is you are free to end the marriage because that is the one of the only ways that u have gods permission to end the marriage because she wasent being faithful
im my opinion
first you have to forgive her. i know that you are hurt for what she did but i believe she is truely sorry if she quit that job and dosent speak to the guy anymore. you need to put some rules down for your wife though, be the man that u are supposed to be and make her convince you that she is sorry and she will never cheat on you again because i know u do not want to end your marrige just like that because of a quick fling, but she was wrong for what she did. a six year marriage is a long time and plus you were happy so that means that your wife was doing something right, so hold on to that and just move on but make sure she is committed to being faithful this time ok.i hope u like this advice and good luck and godbless
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A
male
reader, TaoTang +, writes (17 May 2009):
 I suggest you forgive her, dont end the marriage yet, i mean she quit her job to get away from that man, you should make a compromise and rebuild eachothers trust in one another but, if she does it again than you should probally end the marriage
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