A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have not had sex in almost a year now and I do not know what's wrong. I try to talk to her about it but can't get any straight answers. She says she still loves me but that I should go find someone else who will not only love me but share sexual times with me. I suggested we go to see someone professional to try and find a solution but she is not interested. Any guidance on how I can solve this issue? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): No sex is a sign of no dates.
When was the last time you set aside regular dates?
Do you do it weekly, monthly.
You can not possibly expect a women or a guy - but certainly a women - without fun dates.
Okay so I guarantee if you date her every single week for at least 2 months you will find your way back to each other.
BUT - it doesn't stop there you will need to keep up the dates. Once you have both looked forward to it for a while then it will seem wonderful to be with each other.
One more tip - do not give up if it first it is hard to reconnect or find nice conversations - just keep at it and keep asking her about her self - her dreams for the future and get excited about this phase of your lives! Wow-41-40 has got to be a good age to have some time to spend with each other - How lucky is she and you!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I’m 52 and in the throes of peri-menopause and I do not think that’s what it is here either.
I think that she’s done and wants out… and that’s what she is saying.
Here’s my take… if she means just to find a lover then do so. Just be above board with everyone that you are married and not leaving your wife but need a piece on the side with permission… to me this is not cheating as everyone knows what’s going on.
IF that’s not an option, since she refuses to go for counseling or work on the problem… separation and divorce sounds like the way to go.
I’m sorry.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I don't think this is menopause either. It sounds to me as though she loves you but is no longer romantically interested in you. She may be reluctant to talk about it if she isn't planning on leaving you. She might be afraid that doing so will force major life changes she isn't ready for right now.
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A
female
reader, peacelovecandy +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I don't think it's menopause, as everyone else seems to think. It sounds like she's "fed up" with you. She may still love you, but she may not see you as attractive anymore. Unfortunately, you can't do much to help this. Break up or try to improve the marriage. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I actually don't think that leaving her would get her to change.
I do think this is a medical issue. Menopause and its ensuing havoc on hormones and desire does have treatments that can greatly help libido!
The remedy is twofold. There must be medical treatment to raise testosterone and estrogen to get the juices flowing again, and there must be counseling to help in case there are any psychological barriers as well. I'm making no judgments, but in a long marriage, sometimes deep resentments can build up. I'm not saying that this is the case, but body and soul needs treatment.
The only real crime is if she doesn't want to try. She may not be interested because of a stigma of counseling, that there's something wrong with her that she feels talking doesn't fix.
However, if it's a physiological issue, going to the doctor becomes one of fixing a problem instead of you trying to get someone from the outside to tell her to have sex with you more.
If she refuses everything, then you do have some tougher steps and decisions to make. But I hope she loves you enough to consider a medical issue and to love you enough to spend time fixing it. Go medical first, then one-two it with talking.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Assuming that she's the same age as you, it can be menopause.
Some women need to take hormonal medicine during/after their menopause. Has she seen a gynaecologist recently?
Sorry I don't mean to judge, but the way she expresses herself feels a bit disrespectful. It would be nicer if she had explained to you.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
Do you know if she is going through the menapause?
Sometimes when the hormones are playing up it can make you feel really depressed, and the last thing on your mind is sex. It dont mean she doesn't love you any less, she probably feels undesirable, If she's not maybe she is just depressed anyway? When was the last time you both went on a holiday together? some time away in a nice hot country could help with the moods, and she may feel a little more relaxed ? did this happen gradually? or all of a sudden?
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 February 2012):
Hi there. Your wife might be going through menopause or getting close to that point in her life.
Apart from the lack of sex in your marriage, do you have a pretty good relationship otherwise?
Do you talk easily to each other, and do you really listen when the other speaks?
Is your wife working at the moment?
Women's libidos can lessen with time as menopause occurs, with less energy sometimes, which doesn't help matters much either.
Also during menopause, there can be feelings of depression which are not conducive to making love.
Does your wife have any hobbies or interests?
Does she get together with her friends on a regular basis?
Sometimes over the years, there is so much focus on work and bringing up children, that women don't focus any time or importance on themselves. So with the passage of time, they start to feel something is missing from their lives.
Perhaps this is the case with your wife. She does seem a bit sad, uninspired and lost.
Do you have children at home, or are they all out of the house and independent now or married?
Is it possible that there is some "empty nest syndrome" present here, for her?
It can sometimes happen as children grow up and leave the house and there's just the two of you.
You then have to get to know each other all over again, as things have changed. You could have become two strangers to each other, without the children being there.
It's a whole different ball game.
And if that's true, there could be a giant void for her to fill.
What would be really helpful to her now, would be for her to take up some interests that she can either go somewhere to do the interest, or pursue the interest or hobby at home in her own free time.
It sounds like she is "stuck" in her life, and the lack of interest in sex seems to reflect that. In fact, she might be in a place where she seems to have little interest in anything.
It does seem like a form of depression to me, however not the type that requires medication, but one that requires that she take some physical action in her life towards making some positive changes.
She needs to find direction.
As well as finding some interests to fulfil her, exercise is great for combatting depressive thoughts and lifting the spirits, as well as raise the energy levels.
Walking is also great for the mind, and whilst walking, many ideas and thoughts come to mind. It's also an extremely peaceful activity, being with mother nature and flowers, and lots of lovely fresh air. It's invigorating!
It will relax her and help her to sleep well at night, as an added bonus. It's certainly a great stress reliever.
Perhaps you could suggest you both walk together a couple of times a week.
Then she could walk by herself on the other days.
If she's working, she could walk when she gets home, if it's not too late. Or else, if she got up an extra 30 minutes earlier each morning before work, and she could walk then.
I really believe it could help her to feel better about life generally.
And walking is great for the heart and lungs as well.
Another idea worth considering as well as hobbies, seeing friends and walking, is she could begin taking a good multi vitamin each day, which would also help her general wellbeing. They do make a difference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Leave her. I bet she would change her tune. Right now, she's in comfort.
In the end, if she is unwilling to seek counselling- there isn't much you can do.
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