A
female
age
51-59,
*itygirl222
writes:Hi,My husband has a coworker who likes to act like one of the guys. They are in sales in a construction related business. Sometimes he will "ride" with her for the day, even though it isn't required.. While I understand lots of men work with women daily this woman just seems to push my buttons. She's pushy. The very first time we met was at a bar where we were to watch a band one of his other coworkers plays in. She's runs in, plops down right next to him, begins to whisper in his ear, share her drink with him.. I didn't like it, but didn't say anything. A few days later I see her and she point blank asks me why I didn't say goodbye to her when we left. (I said goodbye to everyone at the table at the same time). I was appalled that she called me out about anything! Since then, she's tried to get him to invite her over to "hang" with us. He hasn't. While we were on vacation last summer she was picking up personal items for him (car parts). She invited him to go "Ghost hunting" with her and another female friend in an abandon building at night. He asked if I wanted to "go with them". I don't. They didn't. I dont' think they could get permission.. Anyway, it's small things that I've tried to overlook as if she's just a pushy salesperson. Until... New Years Eve..at three minutes to midnight, he gets a text from her that says "Happy New Year, my pickle"., Then one right behind it that says "Hi Sally (me), LOL".. we had a huge argument over this. I think she's inappropriate and he sees nothing wrong with it. He said everyone says that. It's like saying What's up dude.. I've never heard this "my pickle" thing before, but didn't take very kindly to it. He said it was a mass text, Liar, because did she send everyone that other text after?? She supposedly has a boyfriend. So why wasn't she with him at three minutes to midnight. So.. please tell me.. do you think I'm over reacting or is there some validity to my feelings? Is she inappropriate? Thanks!
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female
reader, citygirl222 +, writes (24 February 2012):
citygirl222 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for the advise! As a matter of fact we just had another short conversation about her again last night as she requested friend status on my Facebook page (this is only my page, my husband doesn't have one) with her and their employer .. Now, we haven't spoken of her since New Years, so it's not like I harp on this subject. He does discuss his work often and their FB page was mentioned so I told him that she had just requested this. It seemed as if he already knew this. I told him that I didn't want to friend her or his employer. That I feel that page is more for our family and close friends. He said "then don't" and that was it. So now I'm ignoring her on FB..I wonder if she complained to him already that I didn't accept. I agree with you, (youwish) that my husband doesn't encourage her or act out of place. He's home every night and we actually have a good thing goin on. It's just her.. I can see her trying even harder now if I ignore her. What is her deal?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I was thinking about this, and you may have missed a golden opportunity when she called you out on not saying goodbye.
However, I think the chance will most definitely present itself again where she will either chafe on your nerves with obvious pushiness and/or confronting you again, and you directly might be what it takes to jar her out of her obliviousness.
If you and she find yourself in a social situation where she's fawning on your husband, texting at midnight, or calling you out on being cool towards her, this time, be direct and invoke the awkward embarrassment.
Example: If she calls you out like that on not saying goodbye, or if she makes a snide comment about you being unfriendly, tell her matter-of-factly "I don't like you behaving inappropriately towards my husband, who is a married man". Then walk away because it's not a discussion.
Whether she believes she's being inappropriate or not (she'll deny it loudly of course and most likely will get pissy), she'll back *way* off. Sounds like your husband is doing nothing to encourage her, and he needs to NOT negate what you say to her when she invariably (and not in your presence) asks him if she's been acting that way. He can say anything to her except "no way! My wife is crazy!", which I think he won't say. Yes, it would be nice if he stood up and pushed her away, but you have the luxury of being direct in a way that he can't be since it's the workplace element.
Either way, message loudly received.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): I do think it's disrespectful at the very least.
But it may be this is just the type of person she is. Men and women CAN just be friends platonically you know.
But if this is bothering you that much then you need to come to some sort of agreement. Clearly cutting all contact is never going to work. They work together, they will never be able to avoid each other.
Perhaps ask that he keep any and all contact to work and work related issues. And if at a social event, try to be fun WITH him. Join in their activities and ensure his attention is focused mostly on you.
Surely you have male friends you are playful with but it isn't anything outside of that?
Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Couple Bonding
Finally, to "affair-proof" your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are. If you strengthen the bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere," says psychologist Susan Townsend.
• Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you've been thinking about, what you're feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.
• If these conversations don't come naturally, try sitting down facing each other and doing something relaxing at the same time, like having a cup of coffee or listening to music you both like.
• Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.
• Share your fondest dreams with your spouse, no matter how impossible or outlandish they might seem.
• Be honest with your spouse. Don't keep secrets from him or her.
•Regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.
http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=47
To Affair Proof and Safe Gaurd One's Marriage, there needs be rules you both live by.
Avoiding situations where emotional bonding/cheating can occur, like morning car rides would be one of them. And five out of seven days? Thats not wise at all. Thats time that away from Wife but with another woman period. CARELESS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Well, from what you said, I can get to any conclusions. She may be a devil, or she may be just teasing you, or anything else.
Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, I was a mid level manager in my company. There was this newly employed girl among my employees. She didn't know her job yet, but she tried more than her lazy coworkers, and she was very descent. Naturally, I started to mentor her and she responded well to my lessons. Later, when I was reviewing her records, I found out that she was an orphan and she was responsible for her two younger brothers. I was impressed by her character and decided to do my best for her to improve her career. I felt like a parent for her.
My wife, who worked in another department in the same company as mine, got suspicious and complained to me. I was shocked by her level of trust. I explained to her. She acted like she believed me, but she didn't. I tried to avoid the girl. She was a smart girl and guessed what had happened. She went to my wife and tried to gain her trust. My wife acted like best friends with her. But when we were alone, she asked nasty questions like if I had feelings for her or if I found her attractive!
Finally I offered the girl a chance to get another position in another department. A few months later, I resigned my job and took a lower position in another company so that I didn't have to work under my wife's suspicious eyes.
What I'm trying to say is, unnecessary suspicions are very insulting and very offending, and can ruin lives. Make sure she has evil intentions, then you have every right to take action. But not before.
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A
male
reader, Masterofpuppets +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Me, I wouldn't think it was cool if this situation was going on in my relationship. I don't know the woman but think she needs to back the f off A bit. Just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2012):
Yes, the co-worker is acting inappropriately, and if she's as you described, that would chafe me to no end.
You must make the distinction, however, between her and your husband. So far, *his* behavior has not been inappropriate. By all accounts, he is acting like a man who is "putting up" with an annoying co-worker and is squeamish to cause a big blowup at his work.
I'm being absolutely serious -- do not start fights with your husband about this woman unless HE acts inappropriately. Had he run off ghost hunting with her without telling you, that is cause for argument. He lied to you about the text because you're harping on him, and he's avoiding the friction with you just like he's trying to avoid it at work.
I won't say that you're overreacting. But you're MIS-reacting, meaning your feelings of annoyance about her are valid, but you shouldn't take it out on him. It sounds like she's as much HIS problem as she is YOUR problem. Instead of fighting him, this actually could bring the two of you closer together in commiserating and coming up with a solution to get her to back off. You can't control her behavior, and calling her out on it because she's a co-worker can have legal ramifications if she decides to be vindictive and escalates it, putting her own spin on it of course.
He shouldn't ride with her alone if it's not required. So far, he's not been inappropriate because I'm thinking that riding to jobs in construction happens, and she up to this point I could see her plopping herself into his car and him just going along with it.
So lighten up on your husband. This woman is someone he "suffers" as opposed to a temptress he's having a hard time leaving alone. That would be a different scenario.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Sharing a drink, exchange of saliva is an act of intimacy and her sitting next to him and being territorial of him; familiar even in front of you demonstrated to you her lack of respect for you and basically she pissed all over him while spitting in your face.
He allowed for that and so did you by sitting there and taking it.
She is inappropriate, possibly a sociopath that likes to target people and casue turmoil, AND your Husband is a LOUSE For allowing her behaviour when he knows she is inappropriate to downright rude to you to the point she is making it her hobby to cause contention between him and you. She's a mate poacher.
Time to tell Hubby he needs to remain LOYAL to you, complete fidelity and stop all communication with her.
NO LOVING, HONEST, RESPECTFUL MAN WOULD ALLOW ANOTHER TO MISTREAT HIS WIFE.
No excuses.
If he fails to hear you, take it to a marriage counsellor ASAP. That boy needs some common sense smacked into him STAT.
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