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anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married now for 23 years. When we began dating I realized she was probably more worldly than I was used to going out with. However , I was starting to fall for her, and at 27 I wasn't meeting anyone that came close to her . She told me about her married sugardaddy of two years. And more boyfriends and notches on the bed post than she really would admit to. But to me , that was in the past. I was no angel. We did however oneday have a question and answer session when we were starting to get serious. While moving her into my apartment, I saw a photo album laying on a box and thought I'd just take a look. Inside were clippings for XXX movies at a local adult theater, along with different guys names and her rating of whatever. This had me suspicious as to what was she rating ? What other kinds of behavior did she engage in etc. The big thing that crossed my mind was whether she may have been working as a prostitue . So when I asked this she denied it . I decided to take her word for it and move on. Fast forward twenty one years later .She decides to clear her concience and tell me she worked for an escort agency. She says she thinks it was for about four to six weeks and that she thinks there were maybe four to six men. That number sounds really sugar coated to me . Turns out she was the only girl working for the owner or pimp and was screwing him too. I asked if she used protection and she replied 'they' made us wear a diaphram. Holy crap! We have two kids in college and are about to be empty nesters . She refuses to talk about it , claiming amnesia. She wasn't broke , hooked on drugs or forced into it. Claims there was no molestation by family or others . I have no answers and it's tortured me to my very soul . Two years of counseling by myself alone has achieved nothing. I really just feel like I need to know why she would have done it . Some truthfulness would go a long way . Should I just cut my losses from this stranger I call my wife ?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 December 2013):
I don't have anything to add, just wanted to say this was a really beautiful 5-star post by Code Warrior. I actually copy-pasted this post into my diary so I can read it again for inspiration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Code Warrior ! Are you sure your not really Dr. Phil messin around on here ? Lol. You are absolutely dynosupremely pretty darn cool ! I can't tell ya how much I appreciate your responses to this post. You'd be surprised how three therapists couldn't sum it up like you did. In cases like adultery and such they might have had their AH HA ! moments. But this doesn't exactly fit into your average dilema. Thats what made it hard for me to distinguish whether I was reacting rationaly or not . You just don't talk to family or friends regarding something of this nature. Not ordinarily anyway. Just my opinion. And thank you Janniepeg for your answers as well. Your thoughts pretty much echoed alot of what I had been thinking as well. Oh by the way, Serpico, I have news for you . Choosing a mate after complete facts ? Pretty hard to do a Carfax on a person . People can omit facts. If you can't trust their anwers do you hire a private detecive ? That cracked me up ! LOL . THANKS GUYS
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 You may feel that her admittance was the worst thing that happened in your life, but it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise, depending on how you look at it. She did not tell you the truth to torment you, she did it because she could not be totally open to you by hiding a part she wants to forget. She needs your help to forget it. She was sorry that she lied to you. She needs your faith also to drop the grievances together. I think the answer you are looking for is in her and she needs to know that she doesn't have to hide from judgment anymore.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2013):
 "Love is an act of giving and the act of giving is the only place love can be found." --Code Warrior
That was an amazing post by CW and I think his approach was truly inspired and inspiring. Thank you, CW, for a positive and caring approach to a difficult question. Wow. Just wow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): I think many of the Agony Aunts are trying to make this situation into something besides the obvious.
Its admirable that the OP is trying to get past this. But it must be kept in perspective that his wife is at fault for this whole situation, not him. He wants to get past it but that does not make it his responsibility to get past it. It is not a flaw or weakness if he cannot.
There is not necessarily ANYTHING about himself or his wife that he can "understand" well enough to stop being so upset. He has been dealt something that drives plenty of reasonable people into divorce court. It may do the same to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for respondind back. This is to So Very Confused, let me back up and try to clarify something. I am not a great novelist so bear with my ability to put this all into exact context. The adult theater that she was frequenting was a known hang out for hookers ,swingers and the like. NEVER did I accuse her of being a prostitue ! We had a very frank and open discussion later on in our relationship and I ASKED her if she had ever been involved in anything that might be better to let me know about now . Or something of that nature,and I obliged her to do the same with me. Put our cards on the table . Ok ? This included sex work or topless dancing. That may sound rude or whatever, but hey, it would be easier to get past those issues in the begining or just remain friends. She had pictures as well of guys I HAPPENED TO KNOW, some prominent. IT seemed a fair enough question. She straight faced denied it , and her word was good enough for me . Things still never added up but I was able to push past it for all these years. She was not trying to get back at me for some thing I have not done. She deeply regrets telling me at all. That is plainly clear. No revenge for anything was intended. She has been dealing with this since I met her . Which clearly explained the heavy drinking and self destruction path she was on . As for the facts and details of what she did regarding her escort days, she claims she has intentionaly forgotten all details , how many , etc. She once said if you have to have a number ,than fifty. Then recanted that. This is for Code Warrior , yes lies can hurt. If she had told me in the very beginning and had a logical reason for doing it, you bet your ass I would have been plenty understanding about it . We have two terriffic kids in college and have overcome more hurdles than I have time to tell. She has blossemed into a great , strong beautiful woman, and I'M proud of her. If I had to put a finger on the pulse, Yeah ,the images do beat me up a lot. Not knowing how deep the rabbit hole goes , i.e., just assume the absolute worst. And somehow get over it. And in all fairness , whether any of you are professional counselers,therapists or whatever,ask yourself this : What if the shoe were on the other foot ? Having said that, I assume all ownership of this situation. I want and need to get past this . So , I'm listening. I'll try to be clear and concise as possible, and be advised I won't be able to answer back untill later in the evening. Too many eyes. lol
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 December 2013):
I too, can't put prostituting in the "past is past" category. It takes a certain character to do it in spite of social stigma. Being a good wife and good mother did nothing to erase that form. No one just became a prostitute without knowing why, or for the fun of it. Can hypnotherapy make you not look down on someone like that? I believe it helps with anxiety, addiction but it can't make you do something you resist doing or disagree with. I think the hurt comes from marrying someone who turns out to be a stranger. If you are thinking hypnotherapy your wife should be the one to do it since she's claiming amnesia.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (3 December 2013):
I don't know what to say here other than this should be a paradigm example of why it is necessary to chose you mate predicated upon COMPLETE information.....
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 December 2013):
I also thought the story was odd. Four to six weeks, four to sex men, then they made her use a diaphragm and there was only one owner or one pimp and she was the only one working. The agency only had one girl? She's cooking up some story and see how you would fall for it. Good observation there I wouldn't say warped mind, I think it makes sense.
Can you think about after 21 years, what would make her piss you off like that?
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
 I know everyone is being kind and supportive of the OP but I gotta say in my warped mind.. this struck me as ODD:
"I saw a photo album laying on a box and thought I'd just take a look. Inside were clippings for XXX movies at a local adult theater, along with different guys names and her rating of whatever.
This had me suspicious as to what was she rating ? What other kinds of behavior did she engage in etc. The big thing that crossed my mind was whether she may have been working as a prostitue"
WHY in the world would you automatically assume she was a prostitute? A "cheap" woman of "loose morals" yeah... a "slut" yeah... but WHY would you NOT ONLY ASSUME she was a prostitute (is this a common male assumption????) you ACCUSED her of being one...
fast forward 20 + years.... and poof... she's no longer happy about something and she wants to HURT YOU badly... what better way to do it then ADMIT to something that YOU ACCUSED HER OF all those years ago...
my thought is in my warped mind that she was rating her dates or the movies or SOMETHING... but I never would have thought prostitution... and to accuse her you insulted her...
and yet you married her.... so fast forward and poof... she's pissed and now magically she was a paid escort.
you asked her if 20 years ago she "used protection" and she said "they made us wear a diaphragm"
again "they made us wear a diaphragm" does not mean "protection" and a diaphragm 20 some years ago was not the preferred method of birth control.... pills and condoms were preferred 20-25 years ago
AIDS was 1984... I know I had blood transfusions just before it was discovered that you could transmit via blood.
that was nearly 30 years ago.
something about her story is not making sense to me...
i just sense she's trying to hurt you badly... and succeeding very well...after 20+ years I'm sure she knows how to push your buttons perfectly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): If you want to try to make it work then I think that is very indicative of your strengths as a man. But you have to begin by accepting that it means working on yourself first. Key to this would be learning to recognise and realise the difference between your own reactions to what's come to light and what your wife did and your wife's reasons for it. They are two very different things and they are now completely confused in your own mind and this is causing you more hurt.Many people - men or women - feel that the best way to deal with a negative situation or experience is to put in place positive experiences. This is one way of 'moving on'. Too often, people cannot put in place positive things in their life because they simply don't know how to and this means that they stay stuck in their past, their old habits and this becomes very damaging to self esteem and so on. It really is a fantastic thing that you have been able to help your wife to learn how to put in place positive experiences, You have really built something special in this sense.But this has left you doubting the value of what you've built, because you see her 'method' as one that leaves you with a lot of pain and confusion - and hurt ego - and it seems like she doesn't care maybe.I'd ask you to consider that she really does care, but she has not yet built this part of your relationship with you. She may still be trying to maintain a happy front and happy home because she really does want to please you and not cause you pain. The more that you are able to separate - but not ignore - your own responses and anger and pain over what she has told you, from her actual past behaviour, the more she will start to feel safe to tentatively build this communication with you. Really you are asking her to open out and examine a very weighted issue, with no guidance or structure or safe space - psychologically I mean - for her to do this in and to do this with you. And your ego is so very hurt that the more that she cannot do this the more worthless and anxious you feel. This will just make it harder for her. I have a married male friend whose wife is angry and threatening and upset because she desparately wants a baby and the more that she pressures him the more he is disinclined to father a child - there's a similarity here in that your ego is insisting on an 'agenda' that your wife must fit into now in order to take away your pain, but the more you try to make it into an agenda the more counterproductive this will be.Take your time. Slow down instead of hurrying. Realise how anxious you've become about this and how much your existence and manlihood feel under threat. The more you tune into your own feelings without rushing to fix them the more chance you have of gaining an intelligent and mature understanding of them and the whole situation. Your response is very, very masculine and there is no way anyone here would doubt your manliness. But I'm talking about becoming a stronger, exceptionally mature and intelligently mature man. Until you become that, any decision you make in regard to your wife will be from a place of hurt and relative immaturity. In terms of your own ego and self esteem - I'm not saying destroy them or think that they are wrong, just realise they are kicking in as if you are at war or some other danger zone. Take time and don't run away from your feelings, but recognise them for what they are. Build up your own esteem in other ways - not by going to other women! - do you do exercise or have any group activities that could help here? In terms of relating to your wife - maybe read those self help books of your wife's and discuss them with her. Maybe take a more active interest in her religious views and discuss these with her. WITHOUT JUDGING HER. In terms of trying to build a communicative 'extension' to your relationship, start from the place that she seems to be starting from, start building seeing what she and you have literally got right now, in front of you and by seeing what she has in front of her. Take time to build things between you.It would be very, very easy to start making judgements because you are really hurting, but making those judgements won't help anything in the long run - you won't understand why she wasn't able to tell you before, or why she did it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): The OP's wife lied about being a prostitute. He is considering divorce. More than one Agony Aunt is saying the OP's ego is the main problem in the situation. That advice sounds absolutely ^^^^ing ridiculous when the whole thing is put back into simple terms, doesn't it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain , thank you for answering. It would take me so long to fill in alot of blanks in this saga, so Iv'e tried to touch on the main parts. As I may or may not have stated before, I knew she had been around plenty before we met . Hell, I'd been around the block several times myself.By the time you get to be in your late twenties no one is an angel anymore. I wasn,t passing judgement on her for that at all. Past is past. And I'm not hard core hating on prostitutes either. If a person had no alternative, a starving child, or forced into it , then God bless them. Now on the other hand ,laziness, or being above legitamite work, to do something like that makes my head spin. That's partly what bothers me more than anything. I can't begin to understand the mindset to meet an absolute stranger at either some motel or their house, based solely on a phone call. And then no matter what they look like , smell like , etc. allow them total access to anything on the menu. Iv'e tried to picture the scenario of the johns just being more of her past lovers. Just doesn't quite seem the same. As I said in an earlier post , I do want somehow to try and get through this . In a perfect world she would have been trying to get through this together. Instead she likes to sweep it under the rug , and I pretend like everything's normal. Does anyone know if hypnotherapy could have any benefits ? Does it work ? I'm really appreciative of your helpful advice and concerns. Again ,thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): What really amazes me is the amount of venom and hatred that people are so quick to tap into and deliver up as a form of 'answer' to someone who is obviously in pain. I am really beginning to think that this site is just a convenient place for people to hate, rather than to try to understand and have peace with one another.Your ego is severely bruised by what your wife has told you. That is very, very obvious from what you say. And I say this to point out that it is your concern for YOU, and how this affects YOU, rather than for her or what she might have gone through in the past, that is dominating everything and stopping you from moving on as a couple. I'm not saying you don't care about her, but your feelings in regard to your own ego and manliness have come to dominate the whole situation and you cannot get beyond that. You are conflicted by anger that what she has told you makes you feel far less of the man than you thought you were. You feel emasculated. Until you understand that this is what is going on now, you won't be able to move on with her. Up until this point it seems that you felt loved by your wife and were happy? But now that she has told you this you cannot overcome the damage to your own self esteem. It seems that, for you to begin to accept what she has said would mean that you are less of a man than you thought you were. You feel devalued by your connection to her. I say this to point out that, bizarre as it may seem to you, some other man who felt more confident in himself may have thought "shit, that's a shock and we need to talk about this but was she and is she now okay? If she wants to talk more about it, fine, but I'm not gonna pressure her, that must be a huge issue to have to carry around with you all your life, but we can get through this and be okay".It does seem that the timing of this - when you are about to become 'empty nesters' is also affecting you. At the age that both of you are, most people do a big 'okay, what is the next part of my life? What is the future?' thing. It's a time when many people have to come to terms with losing a lot of youth and opportunity and many become frightened of the future. Both men and women often have 'crises' at this stage in life. Often there is a trigger. In your case the trigger is your wife telling you the things that she did. These feelings are understandable. But they won't be helped by listening to vindictive people intent on hating a woman they don't know at all and intent on making you do the same. Really I'm considering just never using this site again as I'm so tired by the shallow and unthinking judgements that people make here.Men have always, always, come across as more 'self-centred' than women because they have survival and self protection hard wired into them from birth and are brought up to 'be men'. Years and years of conditioning for you to feel and prove yourself to be a complete man have kicked in. It is THIS and NOT your wife's behaviour, as such, that is now the problem. Your damaged ego is the problem, not what your wife did, as such. But you cannot see this, because your self esteem is so damaged. You held yourself in high regard as a happy and consistent man and now your self regard has failed you. What she said to you all those years ago about sex seems to have really hurt you. But, again, this is your ego kicking in. She was being honest with you and she may have said this because, for her, she really didn't care much about the sexual side of any relationship. Women are entirely, absolutely capable of having sex without making any emotional connection at all. It may be that your wife was able to have sex with other men not because she enjoyed it or wanted it, but because she had extremely low self esteem and self worth and simply agreed to things and was able to continue with them for a while because she felt nothing. It seems that it is only after the event that she has understood that she was harming herself. Many prostitutes feel this way - they get caught up in a situation of trying to please others in order to raise their self esteem and it is only much later that they understand the pattern they've gotten into.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): You know what would have been even better than her keeping quiet about this to her grave? She could have told you about this 20 years ago and not stuck you into this hopelessly painful fix in the first place!
The bottom line is that she lied and it paid off. She got what she wanted as a prostitute and she got what she wanted when she decided to lie her way into a straight life.
Did you get what you wanted out of all this? Probably not.
I vote to leave her. You have tried to fix this in every way possible and it isn't getting fixed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I said previously, I did see three different therapists for as long as my insurance would cover. For all of them , it was such a different scenario than they had experience with. I tried to find any kind of support groups that fell into this but came up empty . She went with me one time as a couple and just sat there quiet. She said she had never been so embarrassed. These days , I pretty much just keep it swallowed down and try to act like Im fine. Only because it keeps everything calm around here. It's a crappy way to co-exist with someone. I know that to bring it up would just knock the house of cards down all over again. Iv'e been considering trying hypnotherapy to either cushion this or something. I spent an entire year on prozac to no avail. Im a very positive upbeat person , and found that I would cycle into a deep gloomy depression on that stuff. I tried going the religion route for a while, as she goes regularly. That seems to be her form of counseling. It didn't work as well for me though. That's another discussion in itself. Turns out if I had been the nosy type, all I would have had to do is thumb through all of her self help books . The writing was literally on the wall. I was just respecting her privacy. However she is really devoted to her religious beliefs. She truly is a way different person than when we met twenty four years ago. I just could have done without knowing about this so late in our marriage. It wasn't like she told me because it was an issue she needed my help with. She dangled a few facts out in front of me , and then just slammed the door shut. When we did talk about it in the beginning, the answers would change like the direction of the wind. One confliction after another. And it's not like I'm some attorney giving a deposition . Just common sense crap that makes absolutely no sense at all. Oh well. Just saying, it served no purpose to tell me in this manner. It solved nothing, and created the worst kind of pain I can ever remember. To put this in context, I have been in relationships whereupon the other person is caught full blown cheating on you. As bad as that hurts , this is worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): It's possible that your wife genuinely does not understand herself why she worked as an escort and entirely possible that she cannot think of any obvious causes - such as child abuse or suchlike - that would cause her to behave like this. The 'cause' may be far less obvious and she may literally not be able to explain it to you.
It does seem that, all that time ago, she sensed that you were the kind of man that would not use an escort. Rather than this being a reflection of your inferiority, which is what you seem to be hurt by, it is a reflection of her belief that you were and are superior to the men that she slept with for money. It seems that she chose you, above all of these other men, because she saw that you had other values. And the values seem pretty normal and healthy. She did not choose, it seems, to try to marry an exceptionally wealthy or even an abusive man or someone into sexual deviancy. So at some stage she must have understood that she wanted a life in which she felt safe, respected and able to give and receive love within a marriage and to give and receive this to and from children from that marriage.
It is possible that she is reflecting in as mature a way as she can, at this late stage. Perhaps she is only now able to do this because it really can take this long to trust someone and to begin the process of understanding, in one's own terms, one's behaviour. It may be that she buried it because she simply didn't understand it and was ashamed and frightened of losing you, rather than this being evidence that she is manipulative.
Sometimes a counsellor or a form of counselling just isn;t right for one individual - try a different one, or a different form of therapy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): If I said, "Everyone tries being a hooker at some point in their lives" it would be dismissed as a ridiculous false statement.
But when someone says, "Everyone has a past" then the same idea gets treated like a legitimate viewpoint.
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reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 Your wife sounds very kniving / manipulative. The trust is gone. It's not the fact that she used to be an escort. It's the fact that she lied about it and still continues to lie. She just dropped this bombshell on you and does not want to talk about it. Her intentions towards you are not kind and her motive for telling you now is suspect. She clearly lacks a conscience. Maybe this is why it was so easy for her to engage in such a lifestyle.
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reader, M Proops  +, writes (30 November 2013):
Well it took courage to come clean with you,she could've kept quiet.If she's benn faithful to you and you love her there's no problem."Let him who is without sin cast the first stone".
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): I agree with everything Janniepeg says.She got what she wanted for more than 20 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): We are all ultimately alone in this world because you can never truly tell who another person truly is... except if you lived together for 20 years.Is your wife, the mother of your children, the person you shared the majority of your adult life with, a hooker or your wife? What defines her more, something that happened over two decades ago or what she has meant to you in all this time?That hooker is the stranger but she died 20 years ago, from her ashes your wife was born, same as you are not the boy you once were. Every cell in her body has been replaced since then, multiple times.Is this hurt pride, she had more sex then you and was better at it OR do you really feel you don't know a person you spend so much time with?I can understand your feelings, I wouldn't know how I would deal with such a revelation. Yes, she is most likely hiding the full truth. Recently the German sex industry has been in the news and considering the number of hookers and the number of clients, simple math tells you the average hooker must have multiple customers a day. She could have been a high class escort but still, one a week sounds low.AND? Does any of this matter? This is the person you raised your children with, does any of that shared history not matter more?A person's ego is important and none of us like to be taken for a fool. But is your pride worth losing everything you have?Maybe you should seek professional counseling because talking to yourself doesn't solve anything and maybe a counselor can help you get to terms with what is really upsetting you in all this. There are no easy answers for this. So don't take the easy way out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): You shouldn't leave, because I can tell that you basically knew back then all those years ago but you decided to ignore it, so it's unfair to take it back now.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 November 2013):
People tell the truth before marriage so you can decide whether to marry them. She told you 21 years later and if she's stupid enough to think that her honesty now would yield her your forgiveness I would have to guess she told you this now because she wants out after she got what she wanted, which is 23 years of marriage and grown up children. For myself it would be easier to lie for the rest of my life than to speak the truth now when there is no more prompting and no more reminders of the past. So I don't think this is about clearing conscience more than the fact that she is tired of living a lie. I would be more interested in knowing now that she has lived a life as a wife and a mother, what more does she want now and for her future? In your case if I were you I wouldn't be able to "love" and be interested in relationships again. If divorcing means you can be closer to your friends and family then do so.
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reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (30 November 2013):
Dear OP,
I am sorry about what you're going through. I would be devastated about this, not because of the prostitution, but because she lied to you for such a long time. And because she made you move out of state without telling you why.
My advice is: Don't try to figure this out alone. If you and your wife want to stay together, she needs to help you get over this. Maybe she doesn't even know how much this is torturing you? And that you're still hurting over this?
So talk to her. Say this story has been bothering you for two years now and that your relationship and your love is at stake. Say that the counseling thing hasn't worked out for you. Insist on couple therapy, or whatever it is that you wish from her. And give her a chance to win back your trust, by asking her to be really honest. No promises you're going to stay, but you deserve the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): People marry ex sex workers all the time knowingly and live happy ever after. People stay married to workingporn star and have babies from them, and then their porn star husbands/ wives wake up in a morning and goes to work where he/ she performs and has sex in front of other people.
It's all about attitude. If you are so tragically accept your wife's past and 2 years of counseling didn't help, and her being a faithfull wife for all these years didn't help, and her raising your 2 children didn't help then leave.
We all have pasts, and we all have situations. Now looking back at all these boys and men who simply used my young body just for their orgazm first telling me a bunch of lies, I am thinking that I would rather charge them and at least would have some satisfaction from the situation. But then it would make me a prostitue. So now my past is not that terrible only because there was no money transaction involved.
Your wife did it for a bit, and though it is a flow of character for many people , it is the past, and should stay a past. I don't know why she told you that, that never did any good for anyone. Past is past, by telling you what did she accomplished?
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reader, R1 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 It's 21 years ago!!! You can't judge her for the past, everyone has a past. What is she like now? What is the marriage like? Are you happy?
You have to learn to let things go, this is your issue not hers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking time to share your thoughts. Im a very live and let live non judgemental guy quite honestly.I guess it was always a little hard always bumping into old boyfriends , aqaintances or whatever in the old days. It seemed like we couldn't go anywhere and not somebody not give her the smile. While we were still dating she wanted to know how she was in bed. I told her as far as I was concerned she was the best. You know I had to be dumb naive enough to ask the same thing back. Her answer " as good as most I guess ". My ego was crushed . Now I know where I must have been compared to . It hurts. Not to mention why she was so adamant about moving out of state. I moved our family nearly eight hundred miles away from the only friends I've ever known and my relatives. All because of her inability to be honest with me twenty three years ago. Thanks again for listening.
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reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (30 November 2013):
Its very tough, honestly I don't know what would I do if I were in your shoes,I agree totally with code warrior. You have been married for 23 years, that is a whole life together, so I guess I would stick to her if she has proven me over the last 23 years together to be a loyal, caring and faithful wife. I would go to couples councelling to try to ease up my demons from her past. Good luck in your decision. I wish you the best. Be strong.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 November 2013):
Some young women become escorts because they want to afford a luxury lifestyle quick. When they are too old for that they get married. It's very rarely because they love sex enough to make money out of it. Right now the reason is probably "being young and stupid." Having a sugar daddy is almost like prostituting so if you had accepted that, then accepting an ex escort as a wife isn't too difficult. It's very easy to call a woman slut or whore, the only differentiation of wife and whore is the invention of "true love." Some chauvinists consider their wives their own private whores.
Should you cut your losses? You are asking strangers and most of us don't have first hand experience of this. You can not will yourself to accept anything you don't want to. It's a matter of, would you be happier being single? What do you gain by the divorce? Can you live with the fact that you may never know why she did it? Do you think without her presence the questions would just stop surfacing, and the images go away forever?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): Thank her for being honest but do realize that your marriage is now over. Don't waste your time grieving and crying. If I were you I would leave, not because of the fact that she was a prostitute but because I cannot love her anymore. Two years of counselling and it doesn't help? leave now.
I know past is past. Forgive her, but for your own wellbeing, leave her.
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