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age
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writes: While my bf and I were broken up, his friend (who started out as our mutual friend, whom we met through)sent me nasty texts on behalf of my bf. All 3 of us attended the same college, we both knew S (mutual friend,) but not each other until we met through S. I never bothered S with talking about the issues my bf and I were having, but I know my bf spoke to S a lot about our relationship. In fact, it seemed to be a way to almost resume their friendship from college--as they hadn't spoken or seen each other much. Anyway, when we broke up, S began texting me and calling me crazy, which I didn't appreciate....so I retaliated and next thing you know he's telling me I'm ugly and my boyfriend never really cared about me and they just make fun of me, etc...I know this sounds like middle school, but we're all actually 25 years old (believe it or not.) I was hurt, because I had always been very nice to S. We weren't really friends, more like acquaintances, but I was always very nice and helpful to him. We had a class together and he didn't buy the books, he just read mine.. and when he was having a hard time, he contacted me and asked me to pray for him, saying, "You're the only person I'd ask this of, I guess I sort of feel like He'd listen to you.." idk, I guess I just thought that he considered me a sweet, special person and a nice girl. I never thought he'd turn on me... but he did. So when my bf and I were about to reconcile, I told him I felt he should text S and tell him not to contact me and say mean things anymore. He (sort of) did what I asked...but he added in, "If you wanna stand up for me as my friend when she and I are fighting and she's saying terrible things to me, that's cool, but you can't just contact her out of no where and say nasty stuff to her..that's NOT cool." But it bothers me. First of all, it was NEVER ok for S to butt in and interject himself into our personal fight. Secondly, once my boyfriend and I were back together, I felt as though he should drop the friend. When we were dating, he told me that he and S, "used to hang out a lot in college, but for the past 3yrs have just been AIM friendly," so this is not his best friend that he grew up with and has a solid history with. This is just a regular friend who MIGHT be one of 200 ppl on your wedding guest list (if that), but certainly not your best man. And he just wants to ignore this issue. He doensn't even want to discuss it. I feel as though loyalty in a relationship is vital. In fact, everyone knows that when your friends break up with someone, you don't bash them (even behind their backs, let alone to their face,) bc if your friend rekindles the romance, you've lost a friend.)I feel like my bf is being disrespectful and disloyal to me by continuing to be on good terms with S. It won't interfere with his life, it won't take anything away from his life...S is in grad school 400 miles away and they haven't even been close recently. I know ultimatums are never healthy, but in this case I feel I never should've had to make it an ultimatum. S hurt my feelings with unprovoked and unecessary verbal attacks--my bf should be genuinely angry with him and WANT to abort the friendship...instead of cling to it stubbornly. The fact that he is even reluctant to ditch S should be reason enough for me to break up, but I gave him a second chance my LETTING him choose (not forcing him to) before I walk out of his life. He just wants to ignore the issue ...every time I bring it up, he just sayings, "i miss you come cuddle" and I won't bc I'm done with him until he drops S. I would feel like every time he is friendly with S, he is condoning what he said to me.. Meanwhile, please notice how S would never have been involved at all, if my boyfriend hadn't been supplying him with info at every turn. He supplied the ammo, while S pulled the trigger...it's bad enough he told others our personal business, and he admits that and apologized, but the only way he can make it a little better is by resolving this issue. And he won't. Am I being unreasonable? Demanding? Am I right? How can I fix this? Because I love my bf and I want to continue with our relatoinship, but I can't get beyond this. It may seem like a trivial reason to end a relationship but I can't help it...we've been on the outs for 2 weeks as a result of this. I won't see him..we've spoken on the phone a little, and he texts me..and I bring up the issue, and he skirts around it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCorrection--in my last paragraph I meant to say "While I DON'T agree with your tactics"
Also, our "mutual friend" as you put it, did not really "choose to take" my ex's side... but rather, he was only given one side..and impulsively responded to what was provided to him. During a nasty break-up and fight, in which my ex told me that he didn't "care" about me (!!!!! which would outrage any girl beyond belief,) I retaliated with viscious angry texts. I regret this and agree it was very wrong, (I said some REALLY nasty things to him...critiquing his physical appearance, etc,) things I took back and apologized for when we got back together. Anyway, so my ex showed the mutual friend this private message I sent him (that was really quite private and included some details I would have much rather stayed between us,)and the mutual friend responded by contacting me and calling me crazy. This is inappropriate on so many different levels. I mean, my ex should never have involved this friend of all friends (may I just make it ABUNDANTLY clear that they were not good friends!!!!!!!!!!! If the mutual friend hadn't known me, if my ex had been dating some other girl with no ties to him, this is NOT the friend my ex would have chosen to confide in!!!) It was clearly a manipulative move to gather more people in his corner..which is riduclous bc I wasn't playing those sort of games. I was keeping it between me and him, where it belogs. Next, it was UNBELIEVABLY immature and ridiculous for the third party to then further involve himself by interjecting himself in between my ex and I by contacting me...excuse me, it's none of your business!!!!!!!!!! So I texted my ex, "Who am I going to sit with at lucnh, you turned the whole grade against me?" Because it's really absurd and all I could think of was it's like middle school. The way I see it, those two provided the problem--starting with my ex giving out too much information...and then the friend taking it a step further to really become the token 3rd party and stick his head where it didn't belong--and I'm just responding to the problem that they created.
That being said, it was a rocky 2 year relationship and I was just looking for an excuse to back out of it. Too many problems that couldn't be fixed or overlooked...too may battle scars and gaping wounds that couldn't be mended.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha it's not that serious..I turned against you? It's an online forum, relax.
Our mutual friend turned against me due in no small part to the fact that I rejected his advances...during breaks in my relationship with the guy the OP is about, his "friend" (who he is fighting to keep,) hit on me several times...to no avail. Also, as I stated, he and I were never really friends to begin with, more like acquaintances..and I never burdened him with all the drama going on with our relationship. So he was left with one side of the story...so which one was being manipulative there? Why, my ex-bf of course.
I came on this forum to get other perspectives..and I am actually relieved to see that I'm wrong because it shwos that my ex did care about me and want to be with me, but I was just being too unreasonable and difficult to comply with. That's a relief because (the control freak that I am,) that means I was in control of the break up...if you had all told me he SHOULD have done what I wanted, or that I shouldn't even have had to ask--it should've been his automatic response, I would have been heart broken because that means that essentially, he ended the relationship, although I ultimately pulled the plug...or rather, not that he ended the situation, but that he didn't care enough to make it work.
So while I agree with your tactics, "CaringGuy," and I feel you take this board entirely too seriously and could do without the condescending tone--you gave me the answer I was looking for, along with the other lady who posted, and the guy I've been talking to via private messages.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2010):
Your own reply says it all. And doesn't it say a lot that your mutual friend chose to take your ex boyfriend's side?
Though I do have to say, you're quite smart. The way you use those manipulative techniques are very good actually. But not good enough that I can't pick them apart. In the final paragraph of your initial post, you ask -
Am I being unreasonable? Demanding?
I said you were to both - you disagreed. The post below by Birdynumnums suggests you were also wrong. So presumably you're disagreeing with her. So why ask those questions? Unless you're just looking for ammo against your boyfriend
You asked how can you fix it - then went on to say that the only way it could be fixed was if your boyfriend dumped his friend who stuck up for him - again, why ask that question?
Admit it to yourself - this is controlling.
Your boyfriend's friend stood up for him, so you want him out as a sign of obedience. Your boyfriend didn't get rid of him, so you'll get rid of your boyfriend.
But, to try to prove something to yourself, you came here
you came here looking for us to act like yes men. I didn't. So you turned against me, and tried to use subtle manipulation techniques to insult me.
So you really think I'd base research on what I saw solely on this site? Not quite. Check out Johns Hopkins Behavioural centre.
It was a good try, but your OP and two subsequent replies show just how drama queen and controlling you really are. You even think you're 'entitled' to this one thing. You're not entitled to anything since you broke up. Nothing.
That's why your boyfriend won't get rid of his friend. That's why the mutual friend turned against you, that's why you're too closed minded to see you're in the wrong.
And bad news, a lot of guys can see through this behaviour. Like I say though, you're quite smart, so I'm sure you'll find a guy who'll conform.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2010):
Your own reply says it all. And doesn't it say a lot that your mutual friend chose to take your ex boyfriend's side?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring guy--
"The path of control starts from making someone give up one thing, to making them give up ten.
And if you don't believe me, check out this site for anything to do with control. I've seen a lot of it many times before."
So..the data collected from your extensive research on this topic stemns from what you've witnessed on this site? Well then...your conclusion should be held in the highest esteem. Good work.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 In life, you have to pick your battles. In relationships, you have to let some things slide if they aren't important to you. Guys are funny about their relationships with other guys, I've always been amazed at some of the guys that sensible men hang out with; and it seems like all guys have friends like this: Total Assholes. My brother has been Best Man for his "Asshole" friend 3 times, pretty much the only time they ever see each other these days!!!
I think you are being petty about this. Your boyfriend didn't put words in this guys mouth, he probably wasn't even aware that his stupid friend was doing this. All of this happened when you guys were split up to boot! You really need to try to look at this as it is water under the bridge. It happened, it's over, it's done. Your asking for him to dump his friend is like retaliatory damage control. Surely you realize that this will make YOU look smaller in all his other friends eyes as well, and they'll figure it out it was you that made him dump him.
Demanding him to do ANYTHING about this is kind of princess-like behavior; and SURELY you have got to know that the Main Reason why is doesn't want to get rid of his friend - that everyone else will think he is pussy-whipped - and he WILL appear that way to his friends. Guys like to solve things quickly and pound each other in the shoulder and then forget about it.
You Should Too.
Pick your battles. Is it worth it to lose this guy over the asshole friend? Probably not. Chances are, he and his friend are going to grow apart over time (and see him only at weddings and funerals), especially if you are a couple, and then a married couple, and then a family. Your bf probably won't want this asshole around his wife and kids. You bf will see this guy soon enough for the asshole that he is, and he'll stop calling him on his own. You can't make his decisions for him.
And yes, for the most part, you are right, you recognized him as an asshole, what he did was slimy, but we do have that 6th sense about us as women. You just need to let you bf sort out his own life - which it IS entirely right now. You'll have a bit more say when you are married; but that STILL means that you never embarrass your husband in front of his friends or colleagues if you can avoid it.
Even if the asshole friend embarrassed or hurt your feelings, he did it out of some twisted loyalty to his buddy. He might actually surprise you some day in a drunken stupor and apologize.
I really think that you should be the bigger person and take the high road on this one. Let it go. Deep cleansing breath. Not worth it. It will just reflect badly on you...
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 October 2010):
I spoke to several others on this site about this, and I knew this would be your response. This is way too controlling for any man's liking, and it is for the very best that you end it completely, because there is no way that this can be worked out. R
I absolutely agree with you 100% that you should break up, end contact and find someone else. Extremely sensible decision on your part. But be aware, very aware of what happens in future relationships. Because whether you like it or not, or agree or not.
1 - when those things were said you were NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.
2 - The path of control starts from making someone give up one thing, to making them give up ten.
And if you don't believe me, check out this site for anything to do with control. I've seen a lot of it many times before.
It is very wrong to make someone give up a loyal friend.
But, if you feel it's a deal breaker, cut contact and find someone else. That's your prerogative.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring guy-- Interesting perspective, the point about how I'm asking him to ditch the friend who stuck up for him and was there for him, etc. Didn't really think of it that way. But it doesn't change my stance. I've put myself back out on the market, bc I know I can find a guy who wouldn't respond well to someone calling his girlfriend ugly (to her face) at any stage. Your point about the fact that we were broken up as a weak one. I'm still the same person he claims to love..and it's not like it was a decade ago and before we began dating...it was after we went out (and broke up, but still the same girl he had feelings for.) As for the slippery slope theory (who will I go after next,) that's pretty ridiculous. Once is one thing..more than once is the development of a pattern. I'm entitled to this one situation, given these specific circumstances (S and I go back to the same time period as my EX-bf and he do,) I did take it more personally than if one of his friends from childhood or high school or work (one I didn't know prior,) would say or do something to upset me. Anyway, thanks for your feedback. But it's a deal breaker for me.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 October 2010):
I read this post four times to make sure I completely got it, and each time I came to the conclusion that on this occasion, you're in the wrong. I know that's not you want to hear, but there it is. This is a bit unreasonable, and it is a bit demanding.
You realize that you're basically asking your boyfriend to ditch his friend who stuck up for him? That's what you're asking.
Now I DO appreciate that he treated you badly, and I also appreciate that your boyfriend let certain things out. But all this happened while you were APART, and not together. If you'd been together, and this guy had said those things, then it would have been different. And let's be fair, your boyfriend did tell him to stop, and he has done.
But what you are asking is for him to give up someone who was there for him and stuck up for him, even if it wasn't in the right way. That has nothing to do with loyalty at all. That's to do with you. Him getting rid of a friend that was there for him is that big a deal, even if they're not best friends. Because where does it stop? If you make him get rid of one, then how long until you start to demand he gets rid of others? And don't say it won't happen, because that's how this sort of thing starts. Also, if the roles had been reversed and a friend of yours had stuck up for you and sent him messages, and really do doubt that you'd get rid of that friend to oblige your boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but this time round, I think you're in the wrong, and I think you're trying to wield a little too much control just to prove a point that doesn't need to be proved. I'd suggest that instead of worrying about this one friend who was loyal to your boyfriend, you worry about the more serious issues such as why you broke up in the first place.
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