A
male
age
51-59,
*urtin and Confused
writes:My girlfriend and I mutually agreed we should take “a break”. But this is not your average “take-a-break” story. We have been seeing each other 1 year. I am 41, divorced w/2 kids and she is 38, w/1 child and she has never been married. Bottom-line is we have a great thing going. We are very happy together, and yes both of us agree on that. We rarely argue or have conflict. We compliment one another well, and have a great deal of fun an intimacy between us. It’s a great relationship, full of fun and energy. I am very close with her daughter, we do trips as a family, go to soccer games, volunteer dad stuff with her daughter, we laugh, we cuddle, talk, intimacy etc….building towards a new life together. It seems all there…. But something is not right with her right now. Here is the back story: We met in Oct. 2009 and began dating, but 4 months before that she had come out of a very passionate, fast paced 5 month relationship. She describes it as the best of everything. It was great, they were talking marriage etc…. and then one day he (Jim)) abruptly broke up with her, saying she was perfect, but he wasn’t ready and had things in his life he needed to work on. She was heart broken.Between Jun 29, 2010 when they broke up and Oct 19, 2010 when we met, she dated two guys, for about 2 months each (transitional guys I would say). She broke up with them in Nov. to be with me. We dated and gradually built something very special together (which she will admit today)Six months into our “great” relationship, I found out she had seen, and slept with “Jim” once….whom she was supposedly not talking to anymore. She said she felt awful, had never cheated on anyone before, but he showed up at the door and everything (emotions) came rushing back). She said s it meant nothing, and it only drove home the fact that she loved me. She said she had zero feelings for him now and whatever bond they had was gone. She said she wanted to be with me, but confessed that that Jim told her: “I miss you and love you and want you back….give me a few more months to fix things in my life, break up with him and come back to me” She told me it was an easy answer; no.I believed her because she is truly a high character woman. She lives a life of high integrity, she is well educated, has no history of such things not one that ever placates you. I believed her and felt that even the best people make mistakes, and we began to slowly build the trust back.Truth is, we did get the trust back and we grew closer and we have been fantastic. She never saw him again, but here is the problem that has rocked my world: I felt she was confused about something and asked her what was going on, and she admitted that although she thinks I am perfect for her there is occaisssionally this 10% of her that wonders about “Jim”, and she can’t seem to shake it.I told her that I deserved 100%, and she agreed. She was a mess, clearly feeling torn and upset. She said she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t shake her interest when she loves me so much. In our final conversation, I told her she need to take some time when she could decide she was 100%, I would be waiting. I told her didn’t want to break up, that was something she would have to decide.The next day she called and said she couldn’t be with “anyone” right now, that it wasn’t fair to me that she could only be at 90%. I agreed with that. She said she needed a “break” to figure out what is wrong with her and get the “crap: out of head. I think she is doing the right thing, and I support it., but she eluded this could be weeks or a couple of months, and as you might know I am devastated. What do I do? Am I wasting my time? Is she really in love with me and just needs to clear him form her mind? Or she never going to be over him?Open to your thoughts…..help ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): Move on. she is confused, and it seems to strained to be a healthy relationship. I know its tough to let someone go, but this woman is not the ultimate or the end all woman. She is just another person who is confuswed about what they want. Just find someone more self confident and be done with her. You have better things to do than waste your time pining over someone who doesnt know what she wants.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (16 October 2010):
My thoughts are that the both of you might be worrying too much about some confused feelings. 100% of love is a lot to give, and I'm not sure that most relationships have that. I know that my exes will always hold a special place in my heart, and I might sometimes wonder what might have been. On the other hand, I know that I'm happy where I am and wouldn't go back. I'm 90-98% sure I'm where I want to be, depending on the day. He obviously had a big impact on her, and that doesn't just die away that easily. It takes time. Especially since she did sleep with him again and he did want her back. It messes with the mind and the heart, and the heart is sometimes easily confused.
If you both feel that she really needs the time to clear her head, that's fine and go do it. But I know I wasn't fully 100% over my ex when I started dating my current bf, and slowly with time it faded away. I really don't think 10% is too much to be worried about. If all she's wondering is what could have been and she knows that ultimately she's with the right person, then it should be fine.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 First of all, you cannot break love up in percentages. From what I have read, you both gave each other "100%" of each other's love. There is just another side of her that needs to know what could have happened and you cannot blame her for that. No one can help feeling certain things, you cannot force yourself not to love someone neither can you force her love upon yourself which is what you seemed to nearly demand.
I think it was a good idea that you gave her some time to think about what it is she wanted, though I highly doubt that was needed anyway. She was completely honest with you.
I doubt she will ever completely forget him because like you said he affected her in near benevolent ways, he just was not ready. That does not mean that you two can never have a happy and fulfilling relationship together. You had one, but you let a mere thought of another man ruin it even though she was honest, even though you both loved each other deeply. So give her time but I hope you can welcome her back with open arms without feeling a jealous need to completely rid her of her thoughts about 'Jim'.
I hope that helps.
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